We've been married for 20 months now. Sometimes it feels like a day. Sometimes it feels like a life-time. I love my husband, but even after all this time, sometimes I feel like I don't know him. Like really don't know him. But then I realize that he might feel the same way. I'm not the woman he married all those months ago. I'm a pretty different woman from that person who stood in front of 200 people and kissed him to become his missus.
I had gotten to what I thought was a place of security before I got married. I had read Braving the Wilderness and embraced "wholehearted living" and all that. I had accepted that I might be single forever and started to find my niche in life. I had reconciled some old wounds with family and redeemed some memories. I felt confident. Maybe that's part of what attracted by husband to me. I don't know. What I do know is that marriage has re-exposed a lot of my old insecurities. Instead of confident, I often feel weak and vulnerable. I engage in some less than stellar behaviors. My husband may wonder what has gotten into me. He never says anything, though. He just supports me as a I seek to become a better woman, a better wife.
I had a different job when we got married. I had worked there awhile and sort of knew the swing of things. Then we moved. While I stayed in the same profession, I had to take on a new job and learn new ways. I have been at my current job for over a year, but still don't have things down. Although my priority is home, my work/life balance leaves something to be desired. I have always struggled, but now more than ever. I am not the working wife I want to be.
When we got married, I had a little more time than I had now, and perhaps a little more motivation because being a wife was new. I cooked several nights a week. I did most of the chores. I enjoyed it. Now, I often feel overwhelmed by what it takes to keep our house going. I cry more than I would like. I want to be a good homemaker. That hasn't changed. My capacities and abilities have, however. I have to ask for and accept more help. I am not the woman my husband married. It is humbling.
I like to have fun. I liked to celebrate. That doesn't change, but when I am stressed, my will to carry out my desires flags and fails. I need more time to rest. All but the bare minimum goes out the window. COVID plus the recent pace of life have created lots of stress, and I have morphed into a more rigid, less fun person, at least for the time being. I schedule more, plan more, and do less. It is just the way things are.
I could go on and on about changes in me since I married. Some are positive. Many reflect areas of struggle that still need work. That's real life, real life that marriage has changed. The process is sanctifying. The process is life-altering. I'm not who I was. I never will be. My husband is not who he was either. As Richard Needham says, "You don't marry one person; you marry three: the person you think they are, the person they are, and the person they are going to become as the result of being." We are both in the process of becoming. When we got married, we joined to form one new entity. I am now and forever a wife. He is now and forever a husband. We are different. We should be different. And since we are, we must now focus on getting to know each other all over again. It's a process. A process of which I hope we never tire.
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