Real Life Marriage: Behind Every Standing Woman

"Behind every good man is a good woman," or so the saying goes. Maybe, but I am here to say that I think behind every standing woman, there is someone propping them up. For me, that is my husband.

These past few months have been quite the roller coaster, physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually. Pain limited my capabilities and capacities. I grieved lost opportunities, as well as the (hopefully temporary) loss of my sport. I had many, many days, where I just wanted to throw in the towel, quit my physical therapy program, and either sit in a heap and cry, or just go out for a long, long, run knowing I'd break myself again.

Thankfully, my husband talked me out of all of my extreme ideas. I did cry, but he also took me to places like the rose garden and the Mogollon Rim to get my mind of what I couldn't do and onto what I could. He told me he still found me beautiful on days when my clothes didn't fit like they used to and I just felt awful in my body. He reminded me that I had hired experts to help them, and I needed to follow their advice.

It hasn't just been through this injury that my husband has supported me, though. I have an emotionally and mentally taxing job, and he's the one putting dinner on the table most nights. He's often getting our groceries when I feel too spent to retrieve them. He's the one telling me my value after I've been chewed out or berated by yet another person who is dsyregulated. He's the one giving me an out if/when I need to take a break from this line of work.

Women tend me to more emotional than men, and hi, I am that woman. I need my husband's steadiness to keep me grounded. I need his savings on days when the waves of life threaten to undo me. Behind this standing woman is one very strong man. I wouldn't be who I am today without him, and after this summer especially, I'm not sure I'd be standing without him. 

Real Life Marriage: What If?

"What if we met sooner?" I grew up hearing my dad ask my mom this question. After my husband and I got married, we started asking it, too.

"What if we had met in high school?" Would we have liked each other? "What if we met in our twenties?" Would it have worked?

Then there are the other, "What if's?" "What if my husband had gone to college in Washington?" Would he have ever moved back to Arizona? "What if I had stayed in Arkansas?" Would we have ever met?

We could, "What if?" all day long, but I am convinced that everything happened as it should. I was very caught up with myself in high school, and was definitely not emotionally, mentally, or spiritually healthy enough to get into a serious relationship. Saving faith in Jesus was a must-have for me, and my husband did not find that until later in life (but before we met, because we met at church!) My husband was not ready to go to college right after high school, and learned a lot of other skills by going straight into the workforce. I wanted and needed to move back to Arizona for some healing in my family relationships, things that needed to heal so I could be in a better position to get married. "Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end," the author of Ecclesiastes writes (New Living Bible, 2015, Ecclesiastes 3:11). I could not agree more.

I really and truly believe that God brought my husband I together at the right time. We had pretty much stopped looking for people to date, after all. But God knew. He was preparing us. He was ordered all our steps aright. We trust Him to continue to work, even as we walk forward together into a life full of future, "What if's?"

Reference:

New Living Bible. (2015). Bible gateway. https://www.biblegateway.com/versions/New-Living-Translation-NLT-Bible/

Real Life Marriage: We Are Family!

I looked at the name scrawled in black sharpie against the cooler sitting in my parents' garage and thought, "Who is that?" And then I realized, "Oh yeah, that's their last name, my OLD last name." Somewhere between getting married and year six or seven, I actually started seeing myself titled by my married name, and somehow, that made my maiden name seem foreign.

I chose to take my husband's last name when we got married. It is not something all women do, and honestly, it was a bit of a pain. My name change required not only a Social Security alteration, but also a change to my professional licensure (which might have been just as much or more of a pain). Changing was name symbolized new life, however, and that is what I saw myself beginning when I got married, so I made the outward change.

It is not that the name change suddenly made me only a part of my husband's families. I think I am still getting to know them and learning my place in them. It is just that somehow, over the course of marriage, my husband has become my family. He is my home. Thought we are very different, we belong together, and I just cannot see it any other way.

Some people see family as a mom, dad, kids, and relatives. For my husband and I, it is just the two of us, but we are family, nonetheless. We are bonded, a unit, and by God's grace, may man not turn it asunder (King James Version 1987, Matthew 19:6).

Reference:

King James Bible. (1987). Bible gateway. https://www.biblegateway.com/versions/King-James-Version-KJV-Bible/

Real Life Marriage: Home

I have had a lot of homes. Having moved many times as a child, I gave the title "home" to numerous structures and dwelling places spread out over multiple states. I called the duplex where my husband I lived when we first got married, "home." Our condo became the first home we purchased together, and after nearly a decade in Arizona, this state feels like home. But home has other definitions, too.

When my parents moved to Texas, part of my heart's home moved with them. Home to me means comfort and security and safety. I know that I need to ultimately find those in the Lord, but there is something about the familiar of home that brings that early sense of knowing and being known: our couch, our shower, our sheets and towels, our comfortable, well worn bed. Every home has its quirks, but when it is your home, you know them, and sometimes the quirks become almost endearing.

There is something about marriage, about a spouse, that becomes a home, too. That has happened for me over the past seven years as my husband has become not only my friend, partner, and lover; but also my confidant, adventure partner, and general holder-upper.

My husband is my person. He has quirks, sure, but I probably have more. I am far from truly knowing him, but there is a comfort, a familiarity, a trustworthiness, a security that I have with him and not with anyone else. I think it's supposed to be this way. We're in life together. Through marriage, God made us need each other. He made us better together. He enabled us to build a home together.

I'm not alone in coming to see home as with my husband. Shauna Niequist (2020) writes of her husband Aaron, “Wherever we are in the world, when I’m with you, I’m home.” I couldn't say it better. For now, Arizona is our home, but someday, it might not be, and that's okay. Sure, parts of my heart are in other places, as long as my people are in other places, but the biggest piece of my heart is always with my husband. He is home.

Reference:

Niequist, S. (2020, August 25). 19 years. In our vows, 19 years ago, I said to Aaron, “Wherever we are in the world, when I’m. [Image attached] [Status update]. Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/sniequist/posts/3830985810251906/

Real Life Marriage: Far From Perfect

Seven. The number of perfection. That's how many years we've been married, but let me tell you, our marriage is far from perfect. We still miscommunicate on an almost daily basis. We hurt each other's feelings. We don't understand each other. We frustrate one another. But by God's grace, we're growing.

We're growing in communication. We're understanding each other maybe just a bit better. We're missing each other in smaller ways, instead of in bigger ways. We're working as a team a little more smoothly. We're recovering from our mishaps a little bit faster.

We worked as a team this past month when my brother got married. I was the impromptu wedding coordinator, and my husband didn't miss a step. I'm not always the best at asking for what I need, but this time, when He asked, I told him. He didn't complain or hem and haw. He just did it. He stepped in where he could and out where he couldn't. I had to believe that our marriage was strong enough to withstand any miscommunications that might be had, as my focus was to bless my brother and sister-in-law on their special day. My husband understood the mission.

Seven years ago, this would not have happened. We didn't understand each other well enough. He didn't know my family well enough. I didn't know him well enough, nor he me. I probably didn't trust him like I should, and I am not sure he knew how to help me like I needed. This time, by God's grace, we were on the same page, and on the same team.

The wedding went off with a few minor mishaps, and left behind our marriage intact, and me more grateful for it. Our marriage is far from perfect, but some days, like this one, when things click, I'm many times reminded that marriage is a gift, when it works, and when we are working at making it work, too.

Real Life Marriage: Telling My Husband What to Do

My husband asked me for a list of things to do. I had tried giving him lists before and they hadn't worked, but he asked for one this time, so I gave it to him. To my surprise, he actually completed it. And then he asked for another list the next day.

Lists are my thing. I like them...for me. It kind of stinks to have to give my husband a list of things to do, though. There is something within me that resists giving him lists because I feel like a school mistress giving her pupils homework. But hey, if this works, and this is what it looks like to share the household load, so be it.

The only other alternatives to giving my husband a list of things to do are to do all the things myself (which results in me either feeling bitter, or melting down, often both) or expect him to remember the things to do and constantly nag him (also ineffective). My husband tells me that if I give him a list of things to do, maybe he will eventually learn the daily tasks. Maybe, maybe not, but it's worth a shot.

We've been at this sharing household duties thing for a while now, and I must say, we are still pretty bad at it. I do not communicate as much as I should. I don't communicate as clearly as I should. I still make way too many decisions on my own, and I would still like my husband to initiate more tasks himself. But a few things are going better, so maybe the lists have helped.

Real Life Marriage: The Remodel

It all started with a leaky shower, a problem my husband thought he could fix (and probably could have had our house not been so old and that faucet probably been original). The attempt at fixing made the problem worse, and before long, each time we turned the faucet on and off, we feared the pipes might explode. We cordoned off the bathroom, and after Thanksgiving, my husband started to tear apart the bathroom, piece, by piece, by piece: the mirror, the vanity, the towel rack, the toilet, the walls, the floor, and lately, that blasted shower.

My husband anticipated a finish date of Christmas, and then New Year's, and then Valentine's Day. And then I said my birthday (in May). He kept running into snags, and he was attempting to do all the work after his "real work" (as in, his paying job). It would save us a lot of money this way, but did take all the more longer.

The floor required weeks of work just to level it. We needed to borrow our brother-in-law's truck to haul out the old debris. My husband needed to wait for a friend's help to load sheetrock (because I was working and also not strong enough to help). His uncle had to come help with some other things.

Our living room went from a comfortable sitting space, to a storage space, to an absolute disaster. My husband left his nightly routine of relaxing after work and going for evening runs to using most of his leisure time (and even taking time off work whenever he could) to toil away at the project. To help, I tried to do a little extra around the house and hold together my sanity. Mess is not my preference, and when my home is dirty and cluttered, it is hard for me to cope.

Date days turned into Home Depot runs. Evening conversations turned into budget meetings and design reviews. (My husband has an eye for design and space, so I really did little more than give my approval for his choices.) We were together on this project, but also not together.

When the end of the project seemed indefinite, and I had the post-marathon crazies (ahem crappies), I started decluttering. I am not sure if it is was my season of life or the utter mess, but it seemed like something I could do to control the situation.

In the end, the project miraculously finished faster than I expected. (Isn't at the end of things that the finish line feels so impossibly far away?) The bathroom is beautiful. The living room, laundry space, and our overall home are getting cleaner, and we are working on the clutter.

We survived the remodel, and though our interactions with each other did look different in this season, praise the Lord that our foundation held fast: "The Lord is [our] rock and [our] fortress and [our] deliverer, [our] God, [our] rock, in whom [we] take refuge, [our] shield, and the horn of [our] salvation, [our] stronghold" (English Standard Version, 2019, Psalm 18:2).

(Before and after photos by my husband)

Reference:

English Standard Version. (2019). Bible Gateway. https://www.biblegateway.com/versions/English-Standard-Version-ESV-Bible/#copy

Real Life Marriage: Holy Not Happy (A Reprise)

When I first got married, I really railed against the idea that marriage is "to make you holy not happy"  (a paraphrase from Gary Thomas' (2015) book Sacred Marriage). It was really that word "not" that I railed against. Marriage was making me happy, and I wanted to enjoy it. I still do. Marriage is a gift from God, one I do not want to take for granted. Six plus years into marriage, though, I think I am starting to get it.

I love my husband. Really, I do! He is a gift. He is smart, kind, caring, compassionate, helpful, wise, and so much more-AND-we are very different. Six years in, those differences seem to be becoming more, not less pronounced. Or maybe they are just becoming more apparent as we experience more of life together. If marriage was all about happiness, I would argue that we would be out. Marriage is a lot more about sanctification, or at least overtly choosing that path.

Being married to a very different person forces me to confront my selfishness over and over again. If I am honest, most of the time I just want to make choices that benefit myself. I want to eat what and where I want to eat. I want to do chores on my schedule. I want to watch movies I like. I want to spend money on things for me. Sometimes I want to make choices that benefit and bless my husband, but most often, I don't. Marriage makes that very apparent. Marriage show me how much I need to grow.

I have plenty of happy times with my husband. We enjoy adventuring together. We travel. We play games. In this season, though, my need to grow is apparent. I have always needed the Lord's sanctifying work, but now more than ever, I see it. Marriage is an instrument God is using in my life. Man, it can be rough. Man it can be painful. Since marriage is God's will for me, though, I would not have it any other way. I need to be more holy and when God in His grace allowed me to get married, this was part of His plan.

Reference:

Thomas, G. (2015). Sacred marriage: What if God designed marriage to make us holy rather than to make us happy? Zondervan.

Real Life Marriage: Unexpected Blessings

My husband said for a long time that we needed to find a hobby to do together. I wasn't hip on the hobbies he suggested, and he wasn't interested in mine either, at least then. And then suddenly, this past fall, he started running with me. 

In all the years we spent together, we have run three 5Ks: one while we were dating, one the year we got married, and one we put on for ourselves during COVID. In the last three months of 205, however, we went to four different running events: OhSo2Sole, the Night Run, the Foster 5K, and a turkey trot. We ran the Night Run entirely together as a dating anniversary activity, and we finished the Foster 5K together. Yes, I invited my husband to these events, but he came, willingly. He went on to recently run a 5K all by himself

Of all the things I have prayed for in our marriage, this is not one of them (or at least a current prayer request). Before I met my husband, I think I thought it would be ideal if my future husband was a runner, but I was not set on it. Throughout most of our marriage, running has been my thing. My husband has supported me, and it has been good. Slowly over these past few months, however, running has become more of our thing. What a blessing!

I have prayed for many things in marriage. I have labored and strived and stressed. Most of them have not come to fruition during my periods of striving. If at all, they have come when I have given up, when I have decided to pray for my husband's character, instead of for something to change in him, or in our marriage. I think that is the way God works sometimes. God wants to change me when I pray, not just give my what I ask for.

God is not a vending machine. He is the source of "every good and perfect gift, however" (English Standard Version, 2019, James 1:17). He is the author of every blessing. Sometimes those gifts just do not come when or how I expect. Will future hard times come in our marriage? Certainly. Will I labor in prayer for things I want in our marriage, rather than what God wants? I am a sinner, so I probably will, but I hope I also grow in my joy in the Lord, in acceptance, and in contentment. 

God has given us marriage. He has given us for now, a shared hobby, and I am sure he will give us other unexpected blessings in the future. We just need to be open to receive them.I hope I also grow in looking for and seeing God's blessings, whatever they may be. To God be the glory!

Reference:

English Standard Version. (2019). Bible Gateway. https://www.biblegateway.com/versions/English-Standard-Version-ESV-Bible/#copy

Real Life Marriage: The Infinity Loop

We had just come off my husband finishing his degree when I decided to run a marathon. Really, I had been thinking about it for a while, and with the miles I had under me, I wanted to try it. For the first time in our marriage, it also felt safe to try. It felt like if I fell or floundered, my husband would be there to catch me.

I really struggled for a while when my husband was in school. Well, we both did. He had his nose to the grindstone with work and school, and I had mine stuck deep into keeping up the house and keeping up with my own work. It felt like there was no margin, and really, there wasn't.

Now that he's out of school, I've been chasing some other big dreams. He's been so supportive. Just the other day, I proposed a new running dream. I don't know if it will happen or not, but I felt comfortable voicing it. He didn't bat an eye. He just let me talk. What a gift!

I think marriage should be like that. I support his dreams. He supports mine. Rather than tit-for-tat, it's a give and take with infinite flow between the two. Yes, there are hurts, habits, and hang-ups along the way, but ultimately our support for one another is there, just like Christ's is for us. To Him be the glory forever, amen!

Real Life Marriage: Trying to Balance It All

I have been trying for a long time to figure out how to balance it all: his needs, my needs, our needs as a couple, our marriage. For the first part of our marriage, I leaned into trying to serve my husband and be everything to him. That kind of backfired, as I found myself basing my self-worth on whether or not I pleased my husband, dangerous for him, and for me. 

I experienced a strong recoil reaction and started to be more of a loner in our marriage. I was not trying to be selfish, per se, but rather trying to find myself as a married woman. I am sure I was selfish on many occasions in this pursuit.

It is really hard to find balance in marriage, to value my husband, to value myself, and to value us. As Jennie Lusko writes in her devotional with her husband, The Marriage Devotional, this balance "is not about disregarding your own thoughts, hopes, and dreams. It is elevating the person in your life to honor them, think well of them, and life them up. It's not diminishing you or tearing both them and yourself down....It's being able to life up someone else without pouring contempt on yourself or thinking of yourself as less-than" (p. 311). Tricky.

I don't think we balance it all well a lot of the time, most of the time, but by God's grace, sometimes we get it right. I think our fall trip to Utah was one of those times. We spent time together. We spent time apart. We both chased some of our goals. I came away feeling full, of love for my husband, love for God, and appreciation for my life. 

Will these times happen often? Maybe. I certainly pray for more of them. In the meantime, I am appreciating this one, treasuring it in my heart, and allowing God to remind me that all things, even seemingly impossible things, are possible in and through Him. To Him be the glory, amen!

Reference:

Lusko, L., & Lusko, J. (2022). The marriage devotional: 52 days to strengthen the soul of your marriage. W Publishing Group.

Real Life Marriage: More is More

During premarital counseling, our pastor provided us with this chart. To do hard things, he said, your marriage has to be in a good place. I took a picture of that chart, and to this day, have kept it on my phone.

I think there is sometimes a misconception in the church that we should be able to do everything in the power of God. It's hard? Push through? Limited resources? Push through? Marriage in a rough place? Just trust in God and He'll get you through. True, and not, at the same time.

As we have faced struggles in our lives, things that take the life out of us, I have found that we need more and more investment into our relationship. The same goes with service to others. The more we serve others, the more time we need to invest into us to keep our marriage solvent. It is counterintuitive in a way, that more is more, but it also makes sense. If we invest more, we can give more.

I will be honest and say that I tend towards stinginess, even in my marriage. I want more of my husband and struggle to share. At the same time, when the Holy Spirit convicts me, I am trying to choose to let myself, and us, be stretched for God's glory and the good of others. I find it easier to stretch, though, when our marriage is in a happy and full place.

So here's to more investment, more energy, my time, more love, so that we can give God's love away to others. We will never be able to fill ourselves on our own. Even that requires the power of God, but by God's grace, may we do it.

Real Life Marriage: I Want You to Have Nice Things!

I balked when my husband wanted to buy me a Mac laptop. He had already bought me a (cheaper) Dell laptop, but when the screen broke within a year, he insisted on buying me a higher quality product. I don't like spending lots of money. I don't like spending lots of money on me. Though I am high maintenance emotionally, I think I pride myself on being lower maintenance when it comes to things, or at least I thought I was.

My husband insisted on buying the Mac laptop, and inside of fighting him, I decided to submit and let him do it. I had a sense that if I fought him, I'd end up continually frustrated with my broken Dell (which would adversely affect him), or inevitably end up with another device that would last a short amount of time and then check out on us.

Many years past that point, I am really thankful he bought me the Mac. I have taken it on trips. I have used it for hours without power. I have watched videos and uploaded tons of photos. I took it on our cruise. It has held up. I am so thankful!

I rarely get a chance to buy nice things for my husband, but I have been asking him for a while if I could help him buy some better running shoes. Several years into my shoe journey, I have found that shoes make a big difference, and I wanted my husband to experience the difference, too! While he did not exactly let me pick out his new shoes, he did end up settling on a brand and model that I have and enjoy, and that made me very happy! As he received his shoes and started asking me questions about them, I felt joy swell inside me. And I thought, I think I am starting to get it. When you love someone, you want them to have nice things!

Nice things are not always feasible. There are many things I would like to buy my husband that do not fit into the budget. When we get the opportunity to help each other have nice things though, there is a lot of joy in that. Maybe rejoicing in nice shoes is a sign of getting older, but hey, it is love in all its glory, and I will take it!

Real Life Marriage: We Stress Each Other Out!

"Who in your life causes you the most stress? What do they do that causes it?" The couples connection questions asked. I tried to caveat my answers. I tried to add nuance. Nevertheless, my answer remained: my husband. He is the person I care most about in the world. He is the one person from I really cannot separate myself. Boundaries be had or not, he stresses me out!

I wondered what my husband would say when he answered the questions. Honestly, waiting for him to answer made me a little nervous. Eventually, he gave me a smirk and I was pretty sure I knew his answer.

"Me?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied. And he nuanced his answer a little bit too. "I think anybody who is married would answer the same way," he said (or something like that).

I know I am a lot to put up with. I am my own ball of stress and nerves, and I know that affects my husband. I don't try to be a pain in the neck, but I am. At times, I am not sure I am worth it, but at this point, my husband is committed, and he is a man of his word.

I was honestly somewhat relieved by his answer, though. The fact that I stress him out shows that he does care about me. The fact that he is not bothered by that fact is reassuring. I think I do stress him out, but on my side, it is more me stressing about him that is the stressor. My husband is low needs, and he would like me to do less (and tells me as much), but that is hard for me. I do care about his health and well-being and happiness, and I monitor it more than I do for anyone else. He is part of me. If we go with the biblical definition of one flesh, he is me. I want to take care of him. I want to take care of us. I want to take care of me.

So there you have it. My husband and I are each other's greatest stressors. I'm not proud of the sin that causes me to stress my husband, but I am thankful that he accepts that responsibility. On my side, I am thankful that I get to have a husband to be a stressor. Marriage is not a gift everyone gets. So, good or bad, for better or for worse, here's to stress, and to maybe learning to stress less as God grows and matures us in our marriage.

Real Life Marriage: Acceptance

I’ve had some frustrations with my husband lately, well not just lately, but throughout our marriage. But you know what I’ve realized? I’m not perfect either. As much as I want him to grow and change, maybe I need to grow and change just as much or more. And maybe we both just need to accept the fact that we are radically different in some ways.

There are so many good things about my husband! He is kind. He is generous. He is caring. He is a good problem-solver. Who am I to harp on what I want him to change? And if he was able to change those things, would he still be the man I love? If he valued cleanliness and home and communication and emotions at the levels I did, he probably would have not have the brain space for the things that make him tick. And maybe asking for him to change in these ways is really asking for the impossible. Maybe I just need to buck up and do the things that I keep wanting him to do. They are my priorities, after all.

After six years, perhaps I am coming to a place of more settledness. I love my husband. I really do. Life with him is a gift from God! Sure, things are not perfect, but they won't ever be. We need to change and learn and grow to avoid stagnation, but part of that growing might be in acceptance. It might be in accepting that we really are different, and though we may grow together, we will not grow into each other. We are, after all, different people.

So here's to year seven of our lives together, not a year or perfection, but a year of further acceptance, further growth, and perhaps even some changes. May God be glorified in us, and in our marriage. In Jesus' name, Amen!

Real Life Marriage: Asking Instead of Assuming.

"I was doing this for you," He said. 

"And I thought we were doing this for you," I replied.

And there we stood at an impasse on the corner of the street, on a windy day in San Francisco.

I had asked to come to California to run a race, this is true. I thought that morning when I asked what he wanted to do for the day, though, that we could do something for him. He was insistent that this trip was for me, though so he had planned the day around what he thought I wanted to do.

The problem was that neither of us had asked what the other wanted. We thought we knew. He thought that I wanted to go to San Francisco. I thought he knew that I wanted him to take the day for himself. Our hearts were good, but our communication was not.

I am thankful that God blessed with me a husband who wants to do nice things for me. I hope that sometimes I can do nice things for him. In order for these nice things to happen, though, we have to communicate. We have the realize that we are not the other person, and instead of assuming, we have to ask what the other person wants. Yes, it is arduous. Yes, it is sometimes not fun, but it leads to more success in the end.

Thankfully, by talking out our missteps, we were able to salvage our San Francisco trip. We ordered a Waymo. We saw some sights. We ate sourdough at the famous Boudin Bakery. We took some pictures at Fisherman's Wharf. We went back to our hotel. 

Was it a perfect day? No. Was it a learning day? Yes. By God's grace, for our good, and to His glory, may we continue to do so. In Jesus' name, amen!

Real Life Marriage: Sibling Spats

Thankfully, my husband and I do not really fight. At least, praise the Lord, we do not engage in the kind of knock-down, drag-out, call-each-other-names conflict I would deem a fight. Still, we have conflict, and the longer we have been married, the more of it we seem to have. We (I) get irritated over little things. We bicker. We cannot see eye to eye. Why? Shouldn't we be growing together, instead of acting like an adversarial set of siblings?

I feel silly likening our conflict to that of siblings, but in a conversation with my husband about feeling safe in marriage, he used the same analogy. "You can't just get rid of your sibling," he said. "It's safe, so you fight."

That really struck me. I think part of the reason we have so many spats right now is because we feel safe. We feel comfortable expressing all of who we are, and sometimes that means strong preferences. While we should not use safety in marriage as an excuse for unkindness, there is also room for all of us, and all of our (mostly my) big emotions. As much as I hate our spats, maybe they are a sign of growth.

We grow when we learn more about each other. We grow when we learn to communicate better. We grow when we understand better how to honor one another's preferences and needs. Sometimes spats are part of that.

Do I treat my husband solely as a sibling? No. He is my lover, friend, wise counselor, person who knows me best, etc. Framing our spats in terms of the safety of relationship, however, is helpful. Safety in our relationship is crucial to our covenant, and to our growth within it.

May we spat well. May we spat better. May God continually grow our marriage so that it more and more images Him and his great, unceasing, unchanging love for us. To Him be the glory. Amen!

Real Life Marriage: The Sacredness of Firsts

I expected to kiss when I got engaged. I saw value in making a kiss meaningful, but I had no intention of saving my first kiss until marriage, that is until my boyfriend, now husband, told me that was his intention. Since I also held to the value of the man being the leader in the relationship, I went with it.

A dear friend asked me sometime around our engagement if I thought that marriage would be overwhelming. She expressed concern after hearing how little (physical or otherwise) my fiance and I shared. (In addition to sharing little physical intimacy, I held to strong beliefs about not sharing details of my finances before marriage, for example.) I told her that I was, and I wasn't. I saw marriage as a commitment, and I figured that might be the safest place to expose some of that stuff. It was, and it wasn't.

Because of my strong boundaries, marriage brought with it a lot of firsts: first kiss, first intimacy, first sharing of finances, first house buying etc. Some of that was challenging. I had to faith the truth, and untruth of some of my assumptions. Some things required some figuring out. Still, by God's grace, I don't regret those decisions. There is a sacredness about having all of those things with my husband. There is a bonding factor that engaging in those firsts with him brought to our marriage. Now, when I look back on the firsts, I see him. I see us. There is no comparison. There is no, "That other guy." There is only us.

I am not here to impose my values on others, but I would like to commend saving "firsts" for marriage, not in an ascetic "I kissed dating goodbye," way, or a legalistic, "we can't." Rather, out of respect and reverence for marriage and the sacredness of that covenant, I suggest waiting for things. Firsts are special. They only came once. One-hundred percent, waiting it is worth it, because the sacredness of the future marriage is worth it!

Real Life Marriage: It Isn't (Always) About the Romance.

I am most often the one pushing for dates in our marriage. I like the adventure. I like the romance. I like spending time outside the house, focused on enjoying life with my husband instead of getting distracted by all the trappings of life. Recently, however, I had one of the best days with my husband, and pretty much all we did was sit at home. Why was it such a good day? Because as time has passed our love has become not just a romantic love, but a companionate one, too.

Before we got married, dating did bring on all the butterflies and zings and pleasant feelings. It was exhilarating to spend time with someone I liked, and then loved so much. We did not share a life or home together, so every moment we got to spend together felt special and sparkling. Then we got married. Sharing life together was awesome. Everything was new. We still dated (well at least until COVID hit and shut the world down). I still got the flutters, at least sometimes.

I still get the heart pitter-patters sometimes when I see my husband, but more often, it's like my heart swells with love. He is my person, and I am his. It's not that we are the best of friends. (I still argue that it is beneficial to have other friends.) It's that we are committed. It's that we share so much of life together. It's that our life is together.

My husband says he doesn't need dates so much anymore. He just wants to spend time with me. I push back on that (and I still probably will, at least sometimes), but maybe I am starting to get it. There is something to just being able to relax and be in one another's presence. The best part of that day was not the meals we ate together or the new movie we viewed. Rather, at least for me, it was laying on his shoulder and looking at the city website to get updates on the projects near our house. Romantic? Maybe not. Indicative of the safety and life we have built with one another? Absolutely!

I am not arguing that we should throw away romance, or stop dating. I plan to do neither. Rather, I hope that I can keep growing in my appreciation for these moments of "ordinary" life. Really, they are not ordinary. They are gifts from God, because I had gotten to a point where I thought I would always be alone in life, and God, in his grace granted me this love, this forever romance.

Real Life Marriage: Conflict is Good.

We came up against the same old wall yet again. I felt stressed and was trying to control things. My husband was asking to help and I wouldn't let him. "Trust me," he said. "You'll never learn to trust me if you don't ever let me try." I had to admit that he had a point, yet I was still unwilling to cede, so we came to a stalemate in our discussion.

That conflict felt yucky. I wanted to resolve it, but I could not do so with any integrity or peace of mind. I wished that I trusted my husband more. I wished that I could be more chill and relaxed, but I wasn't, or at least in this setting at this time. Thankfully, by God's grace, we somehow came to a truce later in the day. It was not easy nor comfortable, though, and I still felt distant from my husband through much of the day. Eventually I apologized for my role in the conflict, as in my opinion, my lack of trust had caused it.

"You didn't cause the conflict," my husband said, "and conflict isn't bad. Conflict helps us grow."

"Yes, but it doesn't feel good," I replied.

"But growth is good," he said.

I couldn't disagree. Conflict feels awful to me. I hate the discord it causes within myself. I hate the distance it causes between my husband and I. I hate the prideful, sinful, mean words that can come out of my mouth during it. Ultimately, though, conflict in and of itself is not always bad. It is just due to differences. In this case, some of my sin was involved, but sometimes conflict in marriage is just about doing things differently, not right or wrong, but differently.

I am not sure that I am quite to the level of maturity that my husband is in believing that conflict is good. I can see that growth is good, however, and for that reason, I can work to correct my perception of conflict. While I still don't like conflict, God can use it for the growth of our marriage, and that is good, because He is good. May He continue to use conflict to mold us more into His image, for our good and His glory.