I wrote a few months ago about the rejection of children's church service and the pain of growing. And now here I am again. I don't know if children's ministry is not for me, or if this is just not the season. But for now, after receiving a, "Yes" to service from the church, the answer to my availability is, "No."
I wanted to justify myself today when I asked to be taken off the church ministry schedule. I wanted to give a reason for my request that would make sense. But I realized that the children's minister didn't need my explanation. She needed honesty and forthrightness and that was all.
But I didn't fully understand my own decision. I couldn't figure out why I felt so terrible and ashamed of myself for "resigning." God graciously brought me into the book Uninvited by Lysa Tykeurst this afternoon, however, and specifically to these sentences:
"This rejection doesn't mean I'm [whatever negative label or shame-filled feeling you are having], it makes this [opportunity] [person] [desire] a wrong fit for me right now. Instead of letting the feelings label me, I'm going to focus on God and His promises for good things." (p. 132).
All of a sudden, I had this realization that the shame I feel is a product of rejection, not the rejection of the church, but rejection that stems from perfectionism. The perfectionist side of me says that I have to be all things to all people. The perfectionist side of me asks why I can work with kids at my job five days a week and not add on a day of service at church. The perfectionist side of me condemns me for my lack of endless energy. The perfectionist side of me creates guilt and shame when I rest.
But guess what? I'm human. I'm not the Energizer Bunny. I can't be perfect, and I need to be honest about that, instead of ashamed of it. This is the real me, the me who needs to say, "No," right now. The me who needs to do less in order to focus on GOD, and what He sets before me to do. The me I need to learn to accept, instead of reject.
This is raw. This is real. This is hard. But this is authentic living.
Wow. As your former partner in Children's Min (for how many years??), I know your heart is there. ;) (Love you!) But it's totally ok to say no and realize our limits. I am literally exactly in your shoes with this. I just turned down a request to teach middle school Sunday School twice a month. Twice. a. month. You would think that wouldn't be so bad. But the thought of it made my stomach churn. I barely got out of bed this morning. How can I commit to something that would require so much energy? The answer was that I couldn't. And that sucks. Because Middle School kids are my jam. But I know it's what's right--right now at least. I hope I can serve in something as equally awesome later--when I am able to commit my entire self to it (heart, energy, and time!). When I can, I know God will bring the ministry to me that is in his perfect will. :) Keep being authentic, friend. We need more of it.
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