Needy

I wrote some time ago about needing my husband and how it hurt my pride. Now I'm writing about how I need more than him. In general, I'm just needy. I have written about that before, too. It is an ongoing struggle.

I like to think of myself as self-sustaining, as the Wonder Woman who could do it all. I know I'm not her. I just don't want to admit my utter and complete weakness. In the past, I used some unhealthy coping mechanisms to mask the pain of my weakness, to actually inflict pain on myself and thereby draw away my focus from what I really craved. I don't do that anymore, and now my needs loom large. I recognize my pain not only for basic needs like food, water, and shelter, but for companionship, emotional support, self-care, and self-actualization. I can try to meet them myself, but it just doesn't work.

I carry around some guilt about having needs, about being weak. If only I was better, or could make myself better. I mean Jesus emptied himself out to meet the needs of others. (See Mark 10:45; Phil 2.) Why can't I do that? The only real need I see Jesus taking time away to meet was his spiritual need, and to meet that need, he went away to the Mount of Olives to pray. God was enough for Jesus, so I ask myself why God is not enough for me.

I talked to my husband the other day about trying to be Jesus, versus trying to be like Jesus. We should always be aspiring to be like Jesus. ("Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect," Matt 5:48). I cannot be Jesus, however. God created me as human, with physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and creative needs. While my greatest need is for salvation, the other needs I have are what make me a whole person. They are what effect my spiritual connection, as well as usefulness to others, the people to whom I am called to go amongst and make disciples (Matt 28:19). I can't very well make disciples on this earth if I am hungry and can't focus, or if I have no support and am overly emotional. I need some basic things, and some non-basic things. I am needy.

Recognizing that I am needy, quite frankly, sucks, but it also opens up new opportunities. It opens up opportunities to allow Christ's strength to be sufficient (2 Cor 12:9). It opens up opportunities to rely on the strength of the husband God gifted me. It opens up avenues for me to connect with others in the body of Christ. It hopefully grows my humility, as well as my empathy. In a lot of ways, recognizing my weakness is a spiritual discipline, one I don't like, but one I nevertheless need to grow in.