Saying Goodbye to My "Running Body"

It's been six weeks, and I haven't run, even a step. My body knows it. My body shows it. While I wasn't on this running journey to alter my body, I was enjoying the changes it affected. I like seeing bigger leg muscles when I squatted. I liked what I thought were my strong calves. I was lifting heavier dumbbells than I ever had in my life. I felt tight and fit and strong, and then I had to stop running.

My ability to exercise at all decreased greatly when I got injured. Thankfully, I could still move a little bit, but even then, it was minuscule compared to what I was doing before. My body hurt. I couldn't squat down. Even sitting caused discomfort. I felt very old and debilitated. 

In addition to my body changing what it could do, it also started changing physically. Energy surplus is needed to heal bone, and in eating to create that, I started gaining (and am still gaining) weight. With lowering my exercise, that weight has not really gone to muscle. It is going to my love handles, and belly, and thighs. For the time being, I have stopped wearing all fitted pants and resorted to wearing drawstring jeans, dresses, stretchy bike shorts, and leggings only. I considered buying new clothes, but decided to forgo that expense until my body decides to settle, and that might be a while, as part of healing the metabolic injury that we believe might have caused my injury is maintaining a continued energy surplus.

As my pain has decreased, I have thankfully been able to be more active, but not in the usual ways. I can lift weights, but only really for arm and core work. I can do pull-ups, but with less reps, as my strength-gains had not kept up with my weight gain. I can do cardio, but only on an uphill treadmill, or via the recumbent bike, a machine at which I am notoriously weak. My body is not capable of what it once was.

Whether it is fat gain, muscle gain, or both, my shirts have also gotten tighter, particularly my tank tops. While I have always wanted to grow my arms and look stronger, this change has also seemed hard. Not only are my pants tight, but my shirts, too? Great. I might just need a whole new wardrobe, tops and bottoms by the time this is done!

I eagerly await the day when I might get cleared to try to run again, but in the meantime, I am grieving my running body. Even if I get to run again in the future, it won't be in the same way. I will have to go more slowly and incorporate more cross training. I will need to spend more time doing strengthening exercises to build my bone, to hopefully keep this type of injury from happening again in the future. If/when I get to return to my sport, it will be with a new body, and then that body will also morph and shift and change. 

While I'd rather not have these body changes*, my choices are to fight them, or to work at accepting them. My old running body is gone, and that has to be okay because though I didn't realize it at the time, the old running body I had wasn't sustainable. So I'm moving forward and saying goodbye. Running or not, there is a new model of this body coming, and I want to be here for it.

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*Body changes are uncomfortable. Maybe as a smaller sized person, I shouldn't talk about mine, but they are part of life, for everyone, so I think maybe I should. Saying goodbye to our past selves is hard, but it is really the only way forward. And the only way to say goodbye is to grieve what was, and to make room for what is yet to come. 

Dad, Friend to Anyone and Everyone

"C'mon, kids." Dad would say. "We're going to go visit some people." 

We would sigh, roll our eyes, and load up in our van. We knew what we were in for: a day full of sitting in other people's houses, listening to adults talk, while we kids sat and tried to be polite, (or not). We'd go from house to house this way, sometimes all day, not really playing, but just sitting. (This was unless Mom intervened, and for one summer, she couldn't, because she was at the hospital, working to renew her nursing license). I didn't understand the significance of those visits then, but now I do. My dad literally had enough friends to visit them for hours on end, without running out of things to talk about, or more people to see.

My dad has always been that way: a friend to anyone and everyone. My mom talks often about how my dad would pick people up to give them rides when he worked second or night-shift in downtown Charlotte, North Carolina. That was not the safest part of town, but Dad had a heart to help people, and help people, he did.

Mom also talks about Dad's coworkers, people who would not step into our home, but would join my dad at the pond or the lake for fishing. While those people did not feel at ease in our home, they felt comfortable with Dad, because Dad was a friend to anyone and everyone.

Dad made lots of friends when he ran his bulk water delivery business. He even made some four-legged ones and carried treats for them inside the cab of his semi. After he sold his business, he went to work for some of his well-drilling friends. I am sure he would have found a job with other friends, if not those ones.

Friends came out of the woodwork from anywhere and everywhere when Dad had open heart surgery three years ago. Those people supported him and my mom in all sorts of ways. Dad had loved them through some dark times, and they loved them through his.

Go for a walk with Dad through his new neighborhood, and you'll find him receiving coffee from one man, petting the next neighbor's horses, and saying hello to the neighborhood donkey. Dad made friends with one neighbor and helped him with a mechanic project. Dad gets eggs from another neighbor for whom he did some side jobs. Dad has already joined the local tractor club (and he got into tractors because of one of the Arizona friends he made). Occasionally, Dad gets the outdoor cat to come around. 

When we visited last summer, my husband got the, "We're going to visit some people" tour. (Thankfully, my husband was mature enough not to sigh, and to rather go along and enjoy the experience.) Dad went around the neighborhood, seeing whose garage doors were open so that he could say, "Hi," introduce his son-in-law and chit-chat.

Dad's ability to make friends probably comes from his mother, of whom it was said could "evangelize a brick wall" because she was kind and friendly. Dad carries on that legacy. More than that, Dad carries around the message of Jesus (Matthew 11:19, Luke 7:34), who was a friend to all kinds of people: rich and poor; sinner and saved. Dad doesn't care about status or stature. He cares about people. He knows who he is in Jesus, and he's not afraid to be that person with everyone.

I can see now why Dad loved those visiting days we had as a kid. He is an extrovert and gets his energy from people. As an introvert, I am not the same, but I can now appreciate my dad for who he is, and those visiting days for what they were. Dad possesses the ability to be friends with anyone and everyone, and that is admirable, and to be praised.

Thanks, Dad, for being a living legacy. I love you. Happy Father's Day!

What We Cooked and Ate (Week 24)

This Week's Eats:

Apple cider chicken bowls (The Real Food Dietitians) with baked sweet potato halves (Valerie's Kitchen

Baked sourdough doughnuts (The Pantry Mama)

Mississippi chicken casserole (365 Days of Slow + Pressure Cooking)

Reese's chia pudding (Healthy Kitchen)

Spinach eggs Florentine pizza (Budget Bytes)

Sourdough banana fritter muffins (The Pantry Mama)

Sourdough chocolate cupcakes (The Pantry Mama)

Noteworthy Repeats:

Big-batch Instant Pot white beans (Epicurious)

Cottage cheese egg bake (The Real Food Dietitians)

Shredded chicken (365 Days of Crockpot)

White chicken chili (Real Food Dietitians)

Freezer Pull-Outs:

Five-minute chicken gravy (Fixed on Fresh)

Seeded PB oat energy balls (The Dietitian Runner)

Sourdough bread

Sourdough gravy (The Pantry Mama)

Thin and crispy pizza crust (Budget Bytes)

Afghan 92

I tell myself to work on only one afghan at a time, but I run into reason after reason to start several. Case in point: this was a second afghan that I started because I got the wrong color of pink to continue on the first afghan I started. This afghan, with its alternating half double crochet pattern turned out to be pretty easy and mindless, so I decided to finish it first, and I like the way it turned out! It is not quite the 40 x 40 inch size I wanted, but when are my blankets ever the size I expect? It is about time for a pink blanket, too (though as circumstances would have it, I need boy baby blankets right now). Here are the details for the blanket:

Hook: Size I placed into a Boye ergonomic crochet hook handle

Yarn: Super Saver Jumbo skein of petal pink from Red Heart

Pattern: Cozy textured throw (Stitchberry)

I chained 141.

Finished size: 38 x 38 inches (approximating 30 x 35 stroller size)

What We Cooked and Ate (Week 23)

This Week's Eats

Chicken piccata (Tastes Better from Scratch)

Sourdough banana waffles (The Pantry Mama)

Sourdough brown butter banana bread (Amelia Writes)

Sourdough granola muffins (The Pantry Mama)

Sourdough gravy (The Pantry Mama)

White chicken chili (Real Food Dietitians)

Yogurt bowls (Eat the Gains)

Noteworthy Repeats:

Big-batch Instant Pot white beans (Epicurious)

Cottage cheese egg bake (The Real Food Dietitians)

Shredded chicken (365 Days of Crockpot)

Sourdough granola (The Pantry Mama)

Freezer Pull-Outs:

Lots of pieces of those famous pancakes we had a few weekends ago

Flu season casserole (365 Days of Crockpot)

No knead pan pizza (Budget Bytes) 

Seeded PB oat energy balls (The Dietitian Runner)

Sourdough bread

Pumpkin spice sourdough discard oatmeal bake (Acts of Sourdough)

Thin and crispy pizza (Budget Bytes)

Real Life Marriage: Far From Perfect

Seven. The number of perfection. That's how many years we've been married, but let me tell you, our marriage is far from perfect. We still miscommunicate on an almost daily basis. We hurt each other's feelings. We don't understand each other. We frustrate one another. But by God's grace, we're growing.

We're growing in communication. We're understanding each other maybe just a bit better. We're missing each other in smaller ways, instead of in bigger ways. We're working as a team a little more smoothly. We're recovering from our mishaps a little bit faster.

We worked as a team this past month when my brother got married. I was the impromptu wedding coordinator, and my husband didn't miss a step. I'm not always the best at asking for what I need, but this time, when He asked, I told him. He didn't complain or hem and haw. He just did it. He stepped in where he could and out where he couldn't. I had to believe that our marriage was strong enough to withstand any miscommunications that might be had, as my focus was to bless my brother and sister-in-law on their special day. My husband understood the mission.

Seven years ago, this would not have happened. We didn't understand each other well enough. He didn't know my family well enough. I didn't know him well enough, nor he me. I probably didn't trust him like I should, and I am not sure he knew how to help me like I needed. This time, by God's grace, we were on the same page, and on the same team.

The wedding went off with a few minor mishaps, and left behind our marriage intact, and me more grateful for it. Our marriage is far from perfect, but some days, like this one, when things click, I'm many times reminded that marriage is a gift, when it works, and when we are working at making it work, too.

What We Cooked and Ate (Week 22)

 

This Week's Eats:

Breakfast ratatouille (Meal Prep in an Instant)

High protein spinach feta breakfast casserole (Low Carb Love)

Lamb and feta meatballs with tomato sauce (The Instant Pot Electric Pressure Cooker Cookbook)

Sourdough biscuits (The Pantry Mama)

Sourdough granola (The Pantry Mama)

Whole wheat sourdough pancakes with banana and oats (The Pantry Mama)

Noteworthy Repeats:

Big-batch Instant Pot white beans (Epicurious)

Cottage cheese egg bake (The Real Food Dietitians)

Shredded chicken (365 Days of Crockpot)

Freezer Pull-Outs:

Lots of pieces of those famous pancakes we had last weekend

No knead pan pizza (Budget Bytes) 

Seeded PB oat energy balls (The Dietitian Runner)

Sourdough bread

Thin and crispy pizza (Budget Bytes)