Real Life Marriage: Far From Perfect

Seven. The number of perfection. That's how many years we've been married, but let me tell you, our marriage is far from perfect. We still miscommunicate on an almost daily basis. We hurt each other's feelings. We don't understand each other. We frustrate one another. But by God's grace, we're growing.

We're growing in communication. We're understanding each other maybe just a bit better. We're missing each other in smaller ways, instead of in bigger ways. We're working as a team a little more smoothly. We're recovering from our mishaps a little bit faster.

We worked as a team this past month when my brother got married. I was the impromptu wedding coordinator, and my husband didn't miss a step. I'm not always the best at asking for what I need, but this time, when He asked, I told him. He didn't complain or hem and haw. He just did it. He stepped in where he could and out where he couldn't. I had to believe that our marriage was strong enough to withstand any miscommunications that might be had, as my focus was to bless my brother and sister-in-law on their special day. My husband understood the mission.

Seven years ago, this would not have happened. We didn't understand each other well enough. He didn't know my family well enough. I didn't know him well enough, nor he me. I probably didn't trust him like I should, and I am not sure he knew how to help me like I needed. This time, by God's grace, we were on the same page, and on the same team.

The wedding went off with a few minor mishaps, and left behind our marriage intact, and me more grateful for it. Our marriage is far from perfect, but some days, like this one, when things click, I'm many times reminded that marriage is a gift, when it works, and when we are working at making it work, too.

Real Life Marriage: Unexpected Blessings

My husband said for a long time that we needed to find a hobby to do together. I wasn't hip on the hobbies he suggested, and he wasn't interested in mine either, at least then. And then suddenly, this past fall, he started running with me. 

In all the years we spent together, we have run three 5Ks: one while we were dating, one the year we got married, and one we put on for ourselves during COVID. In the last three months of 205, however, we went to four different running events: OhSo2Sole, the Night Run, the Foster 5K, and a turkey trot. We ran the Night Run entirely together as a dating anniversary activity, and we finished the Foster 5K together. Yes, I invited my husband to these events, but he came, willingly. He went on to recently run a 5K all by himself

Of all the things I have prayed for in our marriage, this is not one of them (or at least a current prayer request). Before I met my husband, I think I thought it would be ideal if my future husband was a runner, but I was not set on it. Throughout most of our marriage, running has been my thing. My husband has supported me, and it has been good. Slowly over these past few months, however, running has become more of our thing. What a blessing!

I have prayed for many things in marriage. I have labored and strived and stressed. Most of them have not come to fruition during my periods of striving. If at all, they have come when I have given up, when I have decided to pray for my husband's character, instead of for something to change in him, or in our marriage. I think that is the way God works sometimes. God wants to change me when I pray, not just give my what I ask for.

God is not a vending machine. He is the source of "every good and perfect gift, however" (English Standard Version, 2019, James 1:17). He is the author of every blessing. Sometimes those gifts just do not come when or how I expect. Will future hard times come in our marriage? Certainly. Will I labor in prayer for things I want in our marriage, rather than what God wants? I am a sinner, so I probably will, but I hope I also grow in my joy in the Lord, in acceptance, and in contentment. 

God has given us marriage. He has given us for now, a shared hobby, and I am sure he will give us other unexpected blessings in the future. We just need to be open to receive them.I hope I also grow in looking for and seeing God's blessings, whatever they may be. To God be the glory!

Reference:

English Standard Version. (2019). Bible Gateway. https://www.biblegateway.com/versions/English-Standard-Version-ESV-Bible/#copy

Real Life Marriage: More is More

During premarital counseling, our pastor provided us with this chart. To do hard things, he said, your marriage has to be in a good place. I took a picture of that chart, and to this day, have kept it on my phone.

I think there is sometimes a misconception in the church that we should be able to do everything in the power of God. It's hard? Push through? Limited resources? Push through? Marriage in a rough place? Just trust in God and He'll get you through. True, and not, at the same time.

As we have faced struggles in our lives, things that take the life out of us, I have found that we need more and more investment into our relationship. The same goes with service to others. The more we serve others, the more time we need to invest into us to keep our marriage solvent. It is counterintuitive in a way, that more is more, but it also makes sense. If we invest more, we can give more.

I will be honest and say that I tend towards stinginess, even in my marriage. I want more of my husband and struggle to share. At the same time, when the Holy Spirit convicts me, I am trying to choose to let myself, and us, be stretched for God's glory and the good of others. I find it easier to stretch, though, when our marriage is in a happy and full place.

So here's to more investment, more energy, my time, more love, so that we can give God's love away to others. We will never be able to fill ourselves on our own. Even that requires the power of God, but by God's grace, may we do it.

Real Life Marriage: I Want You to Have Nice Things!

I balked when my husband wanted to buy me a Mac laptop. He had already bought me a (cheaper) Dell laptop, but when the screen broke within a year, he insisted on buying me a higher quality product. I don't like spending lots of money. I don't like spending lots of money on me. Though I am high maintenance emotionally, I think I pride myself on being lower maintenance when it comes to things, or at least I thought I was.

My husband insisted on buying the Mac laptop, and inside of fighting him, I decided to submit and let him do it. I had a sense that if I fought him, I'd end up continually frustrated with my broken Dell (which would adversely affect him), or inevitably end up with another device that would last a short amount of time and then check out on us.

Many years past that point, I am really thankful he bought me the Mac. I have taken it on trips. I have used it for hours without power. I have watched videos and uploaded tons of photos. I took it on our cruise. It has held up. I am so thankful!

I rarely get a chance to buy nice things for my husband, but I have been asking him for a while if I could help him buy some better running shoes. Several years into my shoe journey, I have found that shoes make a big difference, and I wanted my husband to experience the difference, too! While he did not exactly let me pick out his new shoes, he did end up settling on a brand and model that I have and enjoy, and that made me very happy! As he received his shoes and started asking me questions about them, I felt joy swell inside me. And I thought, I think I am starting to get it. When you love someone, you want them to have nice things!

Nice things are not always feasible. There are many things I would like to buy my husband that do not fit into the budget. When we get the opportunity to help each other have nice things though, there is a lot of joy in that. Maybe rejoicing in nice shoes is a sign of getting older, but hey, it is love in all its glory, and I will take it!

Real Life Marriage: We Stress Each Other Out!

"Who in your life causes you the most stress? What do they do that causes it?" The couples connection questions asked. I tried to caveat my answers. I tried to add nuance. Nevertheless, my answer remained: my husband. He is the person I care most about in the world. He is the one person from I really cannot separate myself. Boundaries be had or not, he stresses me out!

I wondered what my husband would say when he answered the questions. Honestly, waiting for him to answer made me a little nervous. Eventually, he gave me a smirk and I was pretty sure I knew his answer.

"Me?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied. And he nuanced his answer a little bit too. "I think anybody who is married would answer the same way," he said (or something like that).

I know I am a lot to put up with. I am my own ball of stress and nerves, and I know that affects my husband. I don't try to be a pain in the neck, but I am. At times, I am not sure I am worth it, but at this point, my husband is committed, and he is a man of his word.

I was honestly somewhat relieved by his answer, though. The fact that I stress him out shows that he does care about me. The fact that he is not bothered by that fact is reassuring. I think I do stress him out, but on my side, it is more me stressing about him that is the stressor. My husband is low needs, and he would like me to do less (and tells me as much), but that is hard for me. I do care about his health and well-being and happiness, and I monitor it more than I do for anyone else. He is part of me. If we go with the biblical definition of one flesh, he is me. I want to take care of him. I want to take care of us. I want to take care of me.

So there you have it. My husband and I are each other's greatest stressors. I'm not proud of the sin that causes me to stress my husband, but I am thankful that he accepts that responsibility. On my side, I am thankful that I get to have a husband to be a stressor. Marriage is not a gift everyone gets. So, good or bad, for better or for worse, here's to stress, and to maybe learning to stress less as God grows and matures us in our marriage.

Real Life Marriage: Acceptance

I’ve had some frustrations with my husband lately, well not just lately, but throughout our marriage. But you know what I’ve realized? I’m not perfect either. As much as I want him to grow and change, maybe I need to grow and change just as much or more. And maybe we both just need to accept the fact that we are radically different in some ways.

There are so many good things about my husband! He is kind. He is generous. He is caring. He is a good problem-solver. Who am I to harp on what I want him to change? And if he was able to change those things, would he still be the man I love? If he valued cleanliness and home and communication and emotions at the levels I did, he probably would have not have the brain space for the things that make him tick. And maybe asking for him to change in these ways is really asking for the impossible. Maybe I just need to buck up and do the things that I keep wanting him to do. They are my priorities, after all.

After six years, perhaps I am coming to a place of more settledness. I love my husband. I really do. Life with him is a gift from God! Sure, things are not perfect, but they won't ever be. We need to change and learn and grow to avoid stagnation, but part of that growing might be in acceptance. It might be in accepting that we really are different, and though we may grow together, we will not grow into each other. We are, after all, different people.

So here's to year seven of our lives together, not a year or perfection, but a year of further acceptance, further growth, and perhaps even some changes. May God be glorified in us, and in our marriage. In Jesus' name, Amen!

Real Life Marriage: The Honeymoon Year (Six Years In)

We finally had our honeymoon year...well, kind of. When we got married, we planned to change nothing for a year, so as to establish ourselves and give our marriage a good foundation. Instead, within six months of getting married, we bought a condo, quit our jobs, and moved to a new city. My husband started back to school for his four year degree (that spoiler alert, took five), and we lived that nose-to-the-grindstone life for most of our early marriage. Now at year six, it feels like we have finally hit our sweet spot.

This past year was not all sweet, however, and certainly not without change. It took a while for my husband to get moved to full-time employment. My parents moved out of state. We lost loved ones. The first six months of our first year sans school were hard. We navigated chores; social, political, and work obligations, and more. We didn't get to travel much. We missed our friends and family. I, at least, felt very disconnected and a bit of despair. I was not ready to give up. (I can't, after all, both because we have a covenant marriage, and because I believe in sticking things out.) I was not, however, sure if, or when, things would get better.

Somehow, though, in the spring of this year, the state of our marriage started to improve. I don't know if it was speaking up about how I felt, prioritizing date time, or the long road trips we took together, or what, but the past few months have been sweet, not perfect, but sweet.

We have dreamed. We have talked. We have traveled. We have eaten a lot of good food. God has been gracious to help us navigate and resolve conflicts more quickly. I don't think I have spiraled too far or for too long (as I have been want to do in the past). Praise the Lord, our relationship has been more good than not.

We still have our disputes, and many a thing to figure out. I continue to discover over and over again how very different my husband and I are. Change will certainly come, but we trust in the God who changes not to lead us. We thank God that, at least for a little while, we got to experience the extra-sweetness of a year together without change, and we look forward to many more years together, Lord willing.

Real Life Marriage: Asking Instead of Assuming.

"I was doing this for you," He said. 

"And I thought we were doing this for you," I replied.

And there we stood at an impasse on the corner of the street, on a windy day in San Francisco.

I had asked to come to California to run a race, this is true. I thought that morning when I asked what he wanted to do for the day, though, that we could do something for him. He was insistent that this trip was for me, though so he had planned the day around what he thought I wanted to do.

The problem was that neither of us had asked what the other wanted. We thought we knew. He thought that I wanted to go to San Francisco. I thought he knew that I wanted him to take the day for himself. Our hearts were good, but our communication was not.

I am thankful that God blessed with me a husband who wants to do nice things for me. I hope that sometimes I can do nice things for him. In order for these nice things to happen, though, we have to communicate. We have the realize that we are not the other person, and instead of assuming, we have to ask what the other person wants. Yes, it is arduous. Yes, it is sometimes not fun, but it leads to more success in the end.

Thankfully, by talking out our missteps, we were able to salvage our San Francisco trip. We ordered a Waymo. We saw some sights. We ate sourdough at the famous Boudin Bakery. We took some pictures at Fisherman's Wharf. We went back to our hotel. 

Was it a perfect day? No. Was it a learning day? Yes. By God's grace, for our good, and to His glory, may we continue to do so. In Jesus' name, amen!

Real Life Marriage: It Isn't (Always) About the Romance.

I am most often the one pushing for dates in our marriage. I like the adventure. I like the romance. I like spending time outside the house, focused on enjoying life with my husband instead of getting distracted by all the trappings of life. Recently, however, I had one of the best days with my husband, and pretty much all we did was sit at home. Why was it such a good day? Because as time has passed our love has become not just a romantic love, but a companionate one, too.

Before we got married, dating did bring on all the butterflies and zings and pleasant feelings. It was exhilarating to spend time with someone I liked, and then loved so much. We did not share a life or home together, so every moment we got to spend together felt special and sparkling. Then we got married. Sharing life together was awesome. Everything was new. We still dated (well at least until COVID hit and shut the world down). I still got the flutters, at least sometimes.

I still get the heart pitter-patters sometimes when I see my husband, but more often, it's like my heart swells with love. He is my person, and I am his. It's not that we are the best of friends. (I still argue that it is beneficial to have other friends.) It's that we are committed. It's that we share so much of life together. It's that our life is together.

My husband says he doesn't need dates so much anymore. He just wants to spend time with me. I push back on that (and I still probably will, at least sometimes), but maybe I am starting to get it. There is something to just being able to relax and be in one another's presence. The best part of that day was not the meals we ate together or the new movie we viewed. Rather, at least for me, it was laying on his shoulder and looking at the city website to get updates on the projects near our house. Romantic? Maybe not. Indicative of the safety and life we have built with one another? Absolutely!

I am not arguing that we should throw away romance, or stop dating. I plan to do neither. Rather, I hope that I can keep growing in my appreciation for these moments of "ordinary" life. Really, they are not ordinary. They are gifts from God, because I had gotten to a point where I thought I would always be alone in life, and God, in his grace granted me this love, this forever romance.

Real Life Marriage: Conflict is Good.

We came up against the same old wall yet again. I felt stressed and was trying to control things. My husband was asking to help and I wouldn't let him. "Trust me," he said. "You'll never learn to trust me if you don't ever let me try." I had to admit that he had a point, yet I was still unwilling to cede, so we came to a stalemate in our discussion.

That conflict felt yucky. I wanted to resolve it, but I could not do so with any integrity or peace of mind. I wished that I trusted my husband more. I wished that I could be more chill and relaxed, but I wasn't, or at least in this setting at this time. Thankfully, by God's grace, we somehow came to a truce later in the day. It was not easy nor comfortable, though, and I still felt distant from my husband through much of the day. Eventually I apologized for my role in the conflict, as in my opinion, my lack of trust had caused it.

"You didn't cause the conflict," my husband said, "and conflict isn't bad. Conflict helps us grow."

"Yes, but it doesn't feel good," I replied.

"But growth is good," he said.

I couldn't disagree. Conflict feels awful to me. I hate the discord it causes within myself. I hate the distance it causes between my husband and I. I hate the prideful, sinful, mean words that can come out of my mouth during it. Ultimately, though, conflict in and of itself is not always bad. It is just due to differences. In this case, some of my sin was involved, but sometimes conflict in marriage is just about doing things differently, not right or wrong, but differently.

I am not sure that I am quite to the level of maturity that my husband is in believing that conflict is good. I can see that growth is good, however, and for that reason, I can work to correct my perception of conflict. While I still don't like conflict, God can use it for the growth of our marriage, and that is good, because He is good. May He continue to use conflict to mold us more into His image, for our good and His glory.

Real Life Marriage: Making a Life for Ourselves

"It's become a tradition for you two," my mom texted me after I sent her photos of our town's Christmas tree lighting.

And I thought to myself, "Yes, yes, it has. Somehow, someway, by God's grace, we are making a life for ourselves."

We have been married for five years, but it seems like just now that some of "us" is setting in. Maybe that is due to the milestone year. Maybe it's due to my husband finishing his education. Maybe it's due to being in the same place for a longer time. All I know is that I like it. And yes, yes, I do also like traditions.

We did not have traditions when we got married. Well, we had individual traditions, but not joint ones. We had to make those. We also did not have very much of a sense of us. In our community, and in our church, there was my husband, and there was me (or my parents, as most people knew them better than they knew me). Being known individually was great for our solo friendships, but not so great for us. We moved here as "us," and for the most part, that is how people know us.

We have to continually work to cultivate our mutual identity. Traditions like attending the town Christmas tree lighting do that. Doing things together does that. Reviewing past milestones (as we do when we hang our yearly ornaments on the tree) does that. Dreaming for the future does that. I pray that we can continue not only our traditions, but all the others things that make us, "us." This is us, and we want to stay us because we committed to that end in our vows.

40 Years of Faithfulness

My parents celebrate 40 years of marriage today. What faithfulness! What commitment! Praise be to God! In honor of this occasion, here are 40 gifts that my parents' marriage has given to me:

1. Teaching me about Jesus
2. The practice of scripture recitation
3. Demonstrating the importance of Bible reading
4. Frequently incorporation of prayer
5. A valuation of missions work
6. Appreciation of home-cooked meals (Yes, even Dad's breakfast special of refrigerator biscuits, bacon, egg, and cheese counts because he made it at home!)
7. Provision of a stable home life, something a lot of children rarely have these days.
8. Two caregivers when I was sick
9. The benefits of two protectors
10. A real-life definition of a biblical marriage
11. A balance of male and female input in my life
12. Showing me what a godly husband should be
13. Giving me an example of a godly wife
14. Providing not one, but two prayer warriors
15. Showing me two different cultures
16. Modeling what it looks like to grow together over the years
17. Vetted marriage resources
18. The sharing of personal marriage advice
19. Words of wisdom
20. Gentle rebuke and correction
21. Laughter
22. Love
23. The conviction divorce was not an option in a godly marriage
24. Never discussing divorce in front of me
25. Persistance
26. A strong work ethic
27. A stubborn will to succeed (those sometimes it does bite me)
28. Love of the outdoors
29. Timeless music
30. Hymn playing and singing
31. Thriftiness
32. A desire to do things myself when and where I can
33. Siblings
34. A routine of churchgoing
35. The tradition of Saturday morning pancakes
36. Many great family recipes
37. Great books
38. Creativity
39. Play
40. Enjoyment of family games (Skip-Bo, Othello, Rook, Monopoly, etc.)

Thank you, Mom and Dad for your commitment to Jesus, and to each other. Happy anniversary!

Real Life Marriage: Standing on My Own Two Feet

Six years ago, I was walking up a trail with a guy I did not know what to do with. I had reached the point that it was either get serious, or get out. I knew my heart was in way over my head, and I honestly did not know what to do about it. I'd talked and tried to express myself to the extent that I felt right, consulted friends, and prayed a lot. Nothing was moving, and I needed to let God move. Here I am today, walking the path of married life with that same guy, realizing that God has moved, a lot, and not in ways I exactly expected.

I started marriage thinking I could be a perfect wife. Even if that was not what I was thinking exactly, my actions showed that I believed I could do more than I could. Five years plus of marriage later, and God has humbled me again and again. I have a lot of pride and selfishness and rough edges that need sanding away. Marriage has been doing that for me, but often in ways that require some painful and abrasive interactions with my husband.

I started down the counseling path for myself again last fall. Life had been too much, and we decided we had to make room in our schedule and budget for me to start processing some stuff. As with all things, the drivers for me to return to counseling turned out not to the main topics I have addressed in counseling. Instead, I have been working a lot of my own self-regulation, on my own self-management, and my own self-care.

I started working a few hours less each week about a month ago, after one two many melt-downs led my husband to give me an ultimatum. It was true that I was releasing the stress of life at home, and I needed a better way. That little bit of margin has helped immensely, and I am grateful!

I started a more intensive race training plan late this summer. It forced me to stand up for myself in my own home, to say when I needed to eat, go to bed, etc. I had always expressed those things, but sometimes let them slide in the interest of trying to serve my husband (and also because of my own laziness and procrastination). The immensity of my physical needs during this training cycle has forced me to tend to myself. 

In summary, this past year has forced me to realize anew that self-care really is my responsibility. Even though I am married, I have to stand on my own two feet. Interdependence is one thing, but leaning heavily on my husband to know my needs, tend to me needs, or "fix me" does not work. Rather, it trips him up. I, in turn, become hindrance, rather than a helper.

This work of finding my way, of differentiating myself from my spouse, has been hard. I am sure it is not over yet, as Lord willing, we still have a long road of life ahead of us. I am sure there will be some hikes and climbs, as well as some descents back into the valley. While I hope that I can refer to my husband as a rich resource with which God has blessed me, I hope that I can also carry with me this ability to be independent. Ultimately, may my independence strengthen our interdependence, because two people people standing on their own two feet get a lot farther than two people with their feet tied together trying to run a three-legged race.

Real Life Marriage: Identity Shift

We've been married over five years now, and as the seasons shift, I am also sensing a shift in our identity as a couple. Our last close family members (my parents) left the state. We are starting to recover from our four year (plus!) grind to get my husband to graduation. We've been working at more fairly dividing our household chores for several months. And it feels like we are shifting to more of an us, not a mini his parents or my parents, but an us.

As much as I admire and respect my parents and their marriage, my husband and I are different, and we do things differently. We aren't going off the rails morally or ethically, but we communicate differently than my parents do. We divide household responsibilities differently. We practice our values differently. Sometimes we vote differently. It's us, versus a mirror image of the family in which I grew up. Honestly, that has taken some getting used to. It's probably taken some getting used to for my husband, too, as our relationship also differs from those of his parents.

Our identity is different from the culture around us. I do see my husband as the leader or our home and submit to his leadership, but we each submit to each other, too. This often results in us responding to questions of us individually, "Let me ask [spouse name]" and get back to you. We share a joint bank account. We don't count tit for tat. We are an "us," even as many couples we know live more independently, than corporately.

There is an "us" factor of the two of us being family, too. We don't have kids or pets, but we are a family. We have sometimes very separate interests, but still enjoy spending time together. We are a family. We live out our callings somewhat differently than others, with my job being at a ministry, for example, which results in us not serving in places like church. This is what it means to be us at this stage

I've heard people say before that what is most important is to get your horizontal orientation right, that is, prioritizing relationship to God above all else. By God's grace, Christ is the center of our marriage. He always will be, and in pursuing Him, we grow closer together. Horizontally, though, our marriage might not align with others. It might stick out instead of blending in. I am learning to be okay with that, because it is our marriage, not anyone else's. Not my parents', not our friends', not our churches. It is our marriage, created by God, founded in God, and lived out by us. That's our steadfast identity, one I hope that will stand amidst the shifting sands of life.

Why We Chose to Cruise

If you are not into travel, please feel free to skip the next few blog posts, as they will be recaps of our recent Boston-Bermuda-Bar Harbor Cruise. I write to remember our time, and hopefully, to share with others who might be entertained and/or informed by our experience.

We chose to cruise for our vacation this year because we had some big things to celebrate: my husband's graduation and our five year anniversary. We decided we wanted to visit Bermuda on a whim, but after researching costs, were not sure we could swing it:

Flights: $500-1,000 each

Air BnB: $500 plus a night just for a room

Food: $8 for eggs, $10 for bread, $11.50/liter for gas

Enter cruising. Don't get me wrong. There was still an expense (especially with fees tacked on after the initial fares), but that expense, with airfare and all food included, was less than the nightly Air BnB fee. In addition, our package included airport transfer, shows on the ship, and extras like daily housekeeping service with fresh towels every time we asked. The life of luxury? Pretty close.

Cruising was also the right decision for us because we were in a season of life that did not allow for a lot of extra time. Booking a cruise took the planning mostly out of things. The cruise line booked our airfare (not at convenient times however-both of our flights were overnight), airport transfer, and our entire itinerary. All we had to do was pack our stuff, get to the airport, board the boat and decide if we wanted to do more. (We did choose to splurge on a few excursions.) This worked well for us.

Choosing to cruise was good for our marriage because we could spend 100% of the time we wanted to, together. No cooking. No washing dishes. No even having to make choices about where to eat or how much we could spend. (Well, we did have a few options for places to eat on the cruise so we had some minor discussions about food, but not many.) This reduced opportunities for conflict and just allowed us to enjoy time together. We needed that at this point in our lives.

What did we do on our cruise? Keep an eye on the blog to find out!

Real Life Marriage: We are Very Different People.

Five years. How? The years have gone by fast, and slow. Though I feel more comfortable and more secure in our marriage than ever before, I have also grown acutely aware of how very different my husband and I are, but maybe that is just part of the healthy differentiation process of marriage.

What is differentiation? Dr. Ellyn Bader (2021) defines differentiation as "the active, ongoing process of [recognizing] self...clarifying boundaries, and managing the anxiety that comes from risking either greater intimacy or potential separation." She goes on to say:

It’s about: Looking within and getting clear on what you think, what you feel & what you want/desire

Holding steady while you communicate this to your partner

Managing your own anxiety in the face of your partner being different from you &/or wanting/desiring something different than you do.

I've gone through a lot of all of the above in the last five years. My husband and I are very similar a the core. We share the same faith. We hold similar political views. We even value some of the same things. How we go about life, though, is very, very different.

I am a person of habit and routine. My habits and routines kind of drive him nuts. He does not like feeling boxed in. I value the concrete and literal. He likes the abstract and prefers to dream. I read to escape. He embarks on big, complex problem-solving projects to escape. 

I rise early to accomplish my tasks. He stays up late (even though school no longer requires him to do so). I prefer to work and then play. He plays and works when he feels like it, as long as the job gets done. If I don't eat regularly, it's bad, bad news. He forgets to eat and does not overtly suffer when he does. 

I struggle with certain political practices, and he is okay with them as long as the job of governance gets done. We belong to different political parties. We don't always vote at the same time, or for the same people.

I take things very, very personally. He can let things roll of his back. I experience big emotions and need to set big boundaries around them to protect myself. He suffers silently until his emotions are through.

It is hard for me to dream, and value my dreams as much as his, but they are just as valuable. I am trying to learn what it means to be a biblically submissive wive, and "the weaker vessel" while also being just as valuable in our relationship (1 Peter 3:7, New International Version). I haven't figured it out yet.

We like doing things together, and we like doing things separately. That has been hard for me to stomach. I think that I should always be available to be with him (even when I don't want to), but it is actually healthier when we each do a bit, or a lot of our own things. 

My husband is a lot stronger than me, physically, even though I am the one of us with a more regular workout routine. My husband is a lot better than me, mentally, at problem-solving, which is a good thing, because I tend to cave in times of chaos. My husband can bear a lot more than me, emotionally, which is good, because my window of tolerance, no matter how much I try to grow it, is small. 

I am better at organization. I keep track of things on the calendar. I make the grocery orders and do our meal plans. I schedule most of our healthcare appointments. My gifts are not showy or special. They just get the job done. 

I have always said that I wouldn't to be married to myself, because there is no way that the world needs more of me and my craziness. I say that, and I also struggle with how different my husband and I are. His differences grow me, but that process is also painful. It stretches me in ways I do not want to be stretched. It rubs off my rough edges. It requires me to tolerate ambiguity and anxiety and discomfort. It requires me to become more sure of myself and my God, and to stand on my own feet.

Marriage. It's not for the faint of heart. It's for God's glory and our good. I think differences and differentiation are part of that. If we weren't very different people, well, God would accomplish his purposes for marriage another way. For us, as for me and my household, learning to navigate our differences is part of how we are learning to better serve the Lord.

References:

Bader, E. (2021, November 3). What is differentiation? Vivian Baruch. https://vivianbaruch.com/what-is-differentiation/

New International Version. (2011). Bible Gateway. https://www.biblegateway.com/versions/New-International-Version-NIV-Bible/

Real Life Marriage: We Believed He Could, and He Did!

Five years ago, we were one month from our wedding. Today, we are six days past his graduation. Yes, graduation! We talked about the idea of him going back to school on our honeymoon. It was his idea first, and I seconded it. I wanted to give him every opportunity I'd had (and I'd gone to college and graduate school). I wanted him to have career opportunities. I wanted him to explore his interests. I loved him!

While we intended to change nothing our first year of marriage, we changed almost everything to pursue that dream. We quit our jobs and got new ones. We moved out of our first place and bought a condo. We moved to a new church and started making new friends. We learned to use public transit and navigate the city.

The four year journey to a bachelor's degree was anything but what we thought. In the end, it took four and a half years as he started working not just part-time, but 30 hours or more a week, all while taking full-time classes. We endured the COVID years and getting COVID, years of tiredness, at times living like roommates, and plenty of conflict. We experiences injuries and sadly, injured one another with some of our words and deeds. We scrimped and saved and sometimes indulged just to escape the grind. We almost missed graduation ceremonies because our heads were so far under the water that we didn't know the right date and time. But we did it. He did it!

He graduated. He has a job. I have a job. We are still married. By God's grace and provision, we managed for him to graduate college debt free. Hallelujah!

I am grateful. We are grateful. This journey has not just been about me, or him, or us. It's been about all our families, our community, our village. We all saw in Him the potential to get this done. We believed in him, and he did it. Praise Jesus!

Real Life Marriage: The Business of Marriage

Dating is fun, and then comes marriage. Marriage is fun, too, but there's a lot of business, especially when life gets busy. Problem solving as a couple is great, but when it becomes the norm, it becomes a problem. In those times, it is easy to lose the fun, to lose the enjoyment. We've been there/are there much of the time. We have to work to get out of the cycle. 

"I just want to enjoy being married," I said to my husband the other day. I prefaced my statement with telling my husband that I still loved him, still liked him. I was just tired of our nose to the grindstone rhythm and wanted out. I wanted to enjoy him, to enjoy our life together. We didn't have much time, but we made some. 

What did we do? Last month, we spent a morning hiking. We talked about world events and philosophies of life, just like we used to do when we were dating--no business. We dreamed of the future together, something we did not do until after we got engaged. We just left business off the table. We went out to brunch and talked some more. We ran errands, but not the daily life kind of errands, the random, "I need..." kind of errands we enjoyed together while dating. We played a game. We made enjoying each other an item of business, and it benefitted us.

Sure, there isn't always time for day dates. Yes, going out to eat takes money. We don't always have either. We are learning, the hard way, to prioritize time for each other, however. All the lovey-dovey feelings we had as a dating couple may have come naturally, but our marriage is about committed love, and that takes effort. Maybe someday the time for enjoying each other will come easier, but for now, carving out time for it is an item of business, because staying married is our business, for God's glory and our good.

Real Life Marriage: When Opposites Attract

I did a lot of research when I was dating my husband. Yes, I am that person. I wanted to see how our personalities aligned, when we should cross certain milestones in our relationship (like saying the, "L" word), etc. I also did some straight up search of public legal records, but I will save that story for another time. Anyway, what I found in all my research was that my husband's and I's personality types were not really a good match. I thought about it and prayed about it, and I reasoned that if God brought us together, He would make things work out, and He did, and He is.

I am more of a concrete person (a judger on the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator). My husband is more of a dreamer (a perceiver on the Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator). This serves us well when we need to plan things. He dreams up the idea. I work with him on the details of the steps we need to get there. Together, we can succeed.

Sometimes, though, our differences bite us in the behind. He dreams, and I cannot see a way to achieve the dream. In wrestling with the abstract, I throw out all the reasons I am not sure something can work and bring him down like a lead balloon. This discourages him and can cause him to not want to share his dreams with me. This cycle drives us apart, rather than bringing us together. It can also pit us against each other and make us each other's worst enemy rather than best ally.

The other night, though, we had a beautiful moment that made me thank God he made our opposite personalities attract. I have been struggling with something for a long time, needing an out, yet not seeing a way out. "What if..." my husband asked. He was just throwing out an idea, but suddenly, I had my out. I had a dream, that even if not realized, made me feel like I had a choice. I suddenly felt lighter, more hopeful, and more positive about the future. What a gift! What a gift it was to have a husband who could dream when I could not.

Yes, opposites do attract. There is a certain allure about someone who is different. I certainly would not want to marry myself! Differences can detract too, though. They can cause conflict. I hope I remember next time I experience conflict caused by personality differences, that these differences are a gift, a gift I need, and a gift that can bless me far beyond my wildest dreams. God knew what he was doing. God knows what He is doing. Glory be to God!

Real Life Marriage: Weekend Warrior Dating

My husband and I mostly dated on the weekends. We both had crazy busy jobs, and the only time we could reliably carve out was Friday/Saturday, so that was the time we spent. When we decided we wanted to get married, I looked forward to sharing a home and hopefully, more life together with him. Little did I know how God would use our dating style to prepare us for our next season.

Shortly after we got married, we decided for my husband to go back to school. He expressed interest. I supported him, and away we went! Then the hours got long and arduous. (He also worked part-time.) I also worked long hours, so we saw each other briefly in the morning, and briefly at night. Weekends were our only periods of quality time. 

We let weekends go for a while. Then, during COVID, I decided to prioritize date night, even if only at home. It helped, some. We had to actually focus on each other, and that was good.

Now, we are in yet another intense season as my husband has stepped up his work while finishing up his classes. While I am thankful that we do share a home together, and thus a little more time together than when we were dating, we are still weekend warriors. We text when we can during our work days, and we chat a little in the evenings. Other than that, weekends are our time, and we have learned to protect them as such. If we go out with individual friends, we try to do that apart from weekend time. If we have guests, we try to make them couple or family guests. We endeavor to be intentional.

I try to plan a date activity every weekend. It sometimes is not much, but it is something. Gary Thomas (2023) talked about using 100% of what is left in a summer podcast. That is what we are doing with our weekend warrior dating. Would we like to spend more time together during the week? Yes, but it is not our reality, so we do the best with what we had.

Our dating experience was good (or at least I think so). Our marriage is a blessing, too. Our time together might not look like what we expected, but we are together, and that is what we value.

Reference.

Smalley, G., Smalley, E., & Fuller, J. (Hosts). (2023, June 8). Giving 100% of what you have left. [Audio podcast episode]. In Focus on the Family marriage podcast. Focus on the Family. https://podcasts.focusonthefamily.com/show/focus-on-marriage-podcast/giving-100-of-what-you-have-left/