Real Life Marriage: I'm Abdicating.

It is no secret that I have struggled with my role as as working wife for quite some time. That struggle is not over. As my husband continues to explore his career options, I continue to wrestle with my role, at least for now, as the primary financial provider for our home. I continue to struggle with overwhelm, and let's be honest, bitterness and resentment at all I have to do. I just cannot continue to keep up with commuting to a full time job that quite honestly, taxes me quite a lot, and running the house like a full time housewife. Something has got to give.

I used to believe that a good godly wife did all the household things as part of her support of her husband. Life is forcing me to reconsider. What does it really mean to support my husband and be his helpmate? Is it me doing it all (at least in terms of house stuff)? Or is it me letting some of those things go so that I can be more emotionally and mentally present? Probably a bit of both.

In an attempt to better evaluate our household tasks and roles, we bought the Fair Play (2020) cards many women rave about. I read the Fair Play book, and while I thought it contained some valuable content, also knew, and know, that marriage is not all about fairness and equality. It is also about sacrifice and humility. The author does recognize this, at least to some extent, however, because in the card deck instructions, she writes that dealing the cards is not a 50-50 split, but about what feels fair. That still leaves a bit to be desired in terms of my definition of biblical marriage, though.

Before we attempted to "re-deal" our cards, I dealt them according to how I see our current tasks. I was surprised to find that my husband actually had 14 cards. That was over half of the 23 I held, and in my pride, I thought I was the one doing most of the tasks, and thereby holding the household together! We agreed that we shared about 12 of the cards, which in Rodsky's system, is not ideal, but is the way it has worked out for us. In looking at the piles, know what I realized? That although I really only hold about half of the cards, I attempt to manage and monitor them all. It is exhausting.

We determined our "daily grind" (regular routine) cards a few weekends ago and I agreed to try giving some of my cards to my husband. I am also working with him to find ways that he can fully conceive, plan, and execute his tasks so that I can let go of monitoring them. Basically, I agreed to abdicate my role as be-all, do-all in our home. Who was I kidding when I thought I could play that role? Obviously, I have been failing. Although we have not found our groove yet, at least we are talking more about household tasks and what it means to live in godly partnership in our marriage. 

Did the Fair Play cards fix everything? No. Only God can perfectly heal, redeem, and restore. We certainly need His wisdom in this process (and always!) Abdicating my attempts to be a super power (God) in our household is necessary to receive that wisdom, though. May God grant me humility to continue doing so.

References: 

Rodsky, E. (2020). The fair play deck: A couple's conversation deck for prioritizing what's important. Clarkson Potter.

Rodsky, E. (2021). Fair play: A game-changing solution for when you have too much to do (and more life to live). Penguin Publishing Group.