Narratives. The stories we tell ourselves that may or may not be true, but that influence the way we think. For example, I struggle with feelings of worthiness. The narratives attached to my labeling of myself as "unworthy" are layered. Growing up, I believed that my parents wanted me to be different. That wasn't exactly true, but what stuck with me is that I wasn't good enough. My narrative of long-term singleness is another narrative that spoke into this lie. I felt not good enough to be chosen. Unworthy of love. My husband chose me and I chose him. I thought that would fix my narrative, but somehow it didn't. I feel unworthy in my marriage, like I can’t do enough, be enough, earn enough to deserve my husband’s undying love and favor. I question (internally and externally) if he settled. He tells me he didn't, but I struggle to fully believe him. Sometimes I consciously and subconsciously create scenarios that contribute to my narrative, putting people in positions where they are destined to fail. At it's core, I have shame issues. That narrative overshadows my actions many times, but the thing is, I can fight against the narrative. I can work to write a new narrative.
It takes effort to argue against a long ingrained narrative, but I can choose to do it. I can combat thoughts of unworthiness by remembering times when loved ones have told me I am worthy and cared for. I can practice vulnerability and share with loved ones when I am struggling and need them to help me right my thoughts. I can look for exceptions to my old narrative and write them in a journal for future reference. Perhaps most powerfully, I can go to the enduring Word of God, the Bible, reading and memorizing who God says I am: loved, beloved, delighted in, worth sending Jesus to die for; accepted. I can engage myself in His narrative.
Part of God's narrative for me is hard, though. I am a sinner. Unworthiness is part of that narrative. On my own, I am not good enough. I can never be, good enough. That's the way it's supposed to be, because I’m supposed to find my identity, my worth, my purpose, and my value in Jesus Christ. Only Jesus has enough good things to satisfy my debt of sin, justify me, and make me worthy. When I understand that narrative, I can start to correct my narrative of shame. I can allow God to have His way with me and even allow Him to write my narrative. I know that His narrative will be a true story, one I don't need to combat, but rather one that I can embrace and live out.
