Real Life Marriage: Pursuing My Husband

I've been realizing something lately. I have as much responsibility to pursue my husband as he does to pursue me. Yes, I still believe in traditional complementarian gender roles. Yes, I still believe that the man should make the marriage proposal. (He does, after all, bear responsibility for the family according to God's design.) As a wife, though, part of my job as "support staff" for my husband is loving him well. Loving him well requires some pursuit.

What got me thinking along these lines? Well, a friend gifted me the Wife in Pursuit book earlier this year, and man, did it rock my world! The author, Selena Frederick, writes in that book about the wife's responsibility to initiate in areas such as words of affirmation, quality time, etc. Before God, the wife has the responsibility to add positivity to the marriage, to show love, to prioritize. These things have nothing to do with gender roles.

After one particular challenge in the book and a season of limited time with my husband, I realized something else. Sometimes my pursuit of my husband means making myself very available. I am a doer and can make myself constantly busy. My husband values me enough to not want to interrupt me, which often results in us having little quality time together. Yes, I think to myself that he could ask for time at any time, but his asking is not my responsibility. My responsibility is to take care of my responsibility. And that sometimes means pursuing my husband by literally sitting on the couch asking my husband what he wants to do, and then waiting until he decides something. This is hard for me to do and requires patience, something that's hard for me to practice. My husband is important to me, though, and when I wait on him, I show him that I value him. That is pursuit.

Marriage is not a tit-for-tat, quid-pro-quo relationship, but ironically, when I pursue my husband, it generally results in what I want and crave: more quality time and more of his attention. I guess in pursuing my husband, I show that I value these things more than I value my busyness, and I thereby encourage more of them.

Married life is not always easy. Pursuit isn't easy. Being selfless isn't easy. But it's all necessary. The hard is necessary if I want my marriage to be better. And I do. The pursuit of a better marriage is not only about me or my husband, either. It's about God's glory, and pursuit of that is a lifelong goal!

Do it to Make Him Happy.

(Woodwork by my very talented father-in-law)

I struggle with people-pleasing. You may have gathered that. I thought I had gotten better at people pleasing and then marriage. Ah, marriage. Oh, how it sanctifies.

My husband loves me. I know he does. He doesn't really have expectations of me. Oh, but I do. I want to please my husband. I have the expectation that I can do that. Sometimes I can, but more often than not, I fail. Either I fail to carry out what I want to do, or my husband fails to respond in the way that I expect him to in order to show he is pleased. I feel many emotions as a result: sadness, fear, anger, grief. Lately, though, I have been convicted about my motives. They aren't all right.

I want to please my husband because I love him. Love is a good motivation. I want to please my husband because I want him to be happy. Desiring the happiness of another is also good. The problem is that the happiness of others in not always in my control. Then there is my desire to please my husband to prove to myself that I am a "good wife," that I have value and worth, really, that I was worth marrying. Marriage is about more than worthiness, but that is a struggle that keeps coming back to bite me.

More times than I can count, I have been disappointed in the way my husband has reacted (or not reacted) to something I have done. It's not that he has done anything wrong or that he even knew I wanted a reaction. He just didn't have one. And then I realize: I'm working for the wrong approval.

The Apostle Paul wrote in Galatian 1:10, "Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ" [New International Version]. Ouch. I've been trying to please my husband without remembering to please God. Pleasing God always needs to come first.

Gretchen Rubin wrote in her book The Happiness Project about a time she tried to do everything she could to make her husband happy. In my interpretation, it made her kind of bat-crazy. In the end, she decided that the best thing she could do for her family was to be happy herself. In my case, the best I can do is do everything unto the Lord, and in return, it might make both my husband and I more happy.

So where do I need to go from here? I need to seek to do everything unto the honor and glory of God. I am doing things to make Him happy, instead of trying to gain my husband's pleasure, which  can become an idol. When I find myself wrapped up in my husband's response, or disappointed by the lack thereof, I seek to correct my focus by saying to the Lord, "I'm doing it for you. I do this for you, Lord." Seeking to do the right thing for the right reason isn't always easy. It requires some heart searching and some heart turning. But I'm doing it all for Him.

Letting Go

Fall is somewhat of a somber season for me. The length of time the sun shines shortens. The brightness of life fades. I feel tired. But instead of fighting the changes of this season, I am seeking to embrace them. And running head first into Fall means not only embracing change, but also letting things go so change can happen.

I feel like God is asking me to let go of a lot of things in this season of life: my timelines, my expectations, my hopes and dreams, my definition of what it means to live a good life. My life is not bad by any means, but it is hard. I thought I'd be married with a family of my own by this point, or at least living in my own house. I thought I'd have figured out some of the hard stuff. I thought I'd be settled into my job, have friends, by plugged in fully at church, etc. etc. I thought...but God had other plans.

I saw this quote on Instagram the other day and it really resonated with me. God has taken some things away, and allowed other things to fade, but He is still present. And if He is still present, there is beauty. 

My dad likes to say, "It is what it is." My life is what it is. My relationships are what they are. My current possessions are current, and that is all. Sure, I've let a lot go, and I'll probably have to let more go. But this is my life, and I don't want to miss it. 

So if this season both externally and internally means letting go, I'm going to look for beauty. I'm going to embrace the present and try to just be. By God's grace, I can practice stillness, wait on the Lord, and choose joy. 

Perhaps letting go will make space for God to plant new hopes and dreams and desires in my heart. Or perhaps the Lord needs to make room in my life for more of Himself. Both probably need to happen. May the beauty of the Lord shine through this season in either case.

God's Glory is Thunderous.

When I hear thunder, I don't necessarily think of God. But scripture describes God's actions, His voice, His presence as thunderous. He inspires amazement, awe, and a healthy dose of fear and reverence.

1 Samuel 7:10
While Samuel was sacrificing the burnt offering, the Philistines drew near to engage Israel in battle. But that day the Lord thundered with loud thunder against the Philistines and threw them into such a panic that they were routed before the Israelites.

2 Samuel 22:14
The Lord thundered from heaven; the voice of the Most High resounded.
Job 26:14
And these are but the outer fringe of his works; how faint the whisper we hear of him! Who then can understand the thunder of his power?

Job 36:29
Who can understand how he spreads out the clouds, how he thunders from his pavilion?

Job 37:5
God’s voice thunders in marvelous ways; he does great things beyond our understanding.

Job 40:9
Do you have an arm like God’s, and can your voice thunder like his?

Psalm 29:3
The voice of the Lord is over the waters; the God of glory thunders, the Lord thunders over the mighty waters.

Psalm 68:33
To him who rides across the highest heavens, the ancient heavens, who thunders with mighty voice.

Psalm 93:4
Mightier than the thunder of the great waters, mightier than the breakers of the sea— the Lord on high is mighty.

Psalm 104:7
But at your rebuke the waters fled, at the sound of your thunder they took to flight.

Isaiah 29:6
The Lord Almighty will come with thunder and earthquake and great noise, with windstorm and tempest and flames of a devouring fire.

Joel 3:16
The Lord will roar from Zion and thunder from Jerusalem; the earth and the heavens will tremble. But the Lord will be a refuge for his people, a stronghold for the people of Israel.

Revelation 4:5
From the throne came flashes of lightning, rumblings and peals of thunder. In front of the throne, seven lamps were blazing. These are the seven spirits of God.

Revelation 19:6
Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude, like the roar of rushing waters and like loud peals of thunder, shouting: "Hallelujah! For our Lord God Almighty reigns."