LESS No

I realized somewhere along the way that I say, "No," a lot, so much so that I often mind myself saying "No" without thinking. I say, "No" to social invitations. I say, "No" to surprise plans. I say, "No" to treats people want to share. I think, "No" has become a protective reflex. "No" is a way to prevent anxiety due to changing of plans. "No" is a way to avoid that overthinking spirals in which I find myself often. "No" is a way to keep my space small, and in my control.

I do not necessarily want to live a small life, though. I want to live a wide, expansive life. I want to live with joy and whimsy, so this month, I told myself to try to say, "No" less, and "Yes" more. It kind of worked, until it didn't.

When I chose this, "less" for the month, I envisioned a month of fun and celebration. What my injury brought on was a lot of saying, "Yes," to medical appointments and, "Yes" to help doing everyday tasks (like carrying in groceries, carrying the grocery bags back out to the car, doing chores, etc.). It kind of stinks.

I did get a chance to say, "Yes" to a few fun things, though. I said, "Yes" to dinner with my husband after we got back from that fated race, even though it was late and downtown was mobbed. I said, "Yes" to establishing a morning coffee routine. [To me, caffeine is a vice, but apparently collagen might help with fracture recovery, so coffee with collagen is a frequent occurrence right now, instead of a sporadic pre-run supplement (Karaytug, 2021; Konig, 2018; Sun et al., 2025.] I said, "Yes" to my husband taking me to ride a ferris wheel for the first time. I did say, "No" to Dippin' Dots on that trip, though, which made me sad because although it did not sound good at the time, I have never had it before.

I said, "Yes" to taking on some roles I did not plan with my brother's wedding. Maybe that was me channeling big sister bossiness, but I hope my, "Yes" let them say a few more, "No's" and enjoy their special day. I said more, "No's" then I probably should have on that trip, but saying, "Yes" to every goodie that came my way (eg at the lavish rehearsal dinner) would have left me feeling ill. I guess their are some places to say, "No."

I said, "No" to sourdough during our San Francisco day, but then I got redemption when my husband asked again. (He claims he gave me some at the restaurant, but I don't think so). I didn't really want sourdough, but it was good to take a bite and remember that I like my husband's sourdough better.

My increasing number of medical appointments has forced me to say, "No" to work obligations and give up a few more of my responsibilities there. (Thankfully, my director is understanding.) While I would rather go on with life as it was, I have to step back in order to take care of myself. Needless to say, this month of less has not turned out as I hoped. 

I imagine that I will continue to need to say, "No" for the sake of my health and well-being, but even in that, there are probably rooms to say more, "Yes." Maybe I don't always want to say, "Yes" to all, things, but a few more yesses would probably benefit me. They could continue to expose me to new experiences, and bring me for joy. This month was practice in trying to stop defaulting to, "No." Maybe it could be "Let me think about it," or "Give me a minute." That would at least give me a chance at an experience versus always missing out....

References:

Karaytug, K., Arzu, U., Ergin, O. N., Bilgili, F., Unverengil, G., Bayram, S., & Sen, C. (2021). Effects of Collagen- and Arginine-Fortified Osteokine Supplementation on Fracture Healing. Cureus, 13(10), e19072. https://doi.org/10.7759/cureus.19072

König, D., Oesser, S., Scharla, S., Zdzieblik, D., & Gollhofer, A. (2018). Specific Collagen Peptides Improve Bone Mineral Density and Bone Markers in Postmenopausal Women-A Randomized Controlled Study. Nutrients, 10(1), 97. https://doi.org/10.3390/nu10010097

Sun, C., Yang, A., Teng, F., & Xia, Y. (2025). Efficacy of collagen peptide supplementation on bone and muscle health: a meta-analysis. Frontiers in nutrition, 12, 1646090. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnut.2025.1646090

Things I Love About Summer

There's the heat, and there's the season. Yes, summer is hot, but there are also so many things I love about it! In no particular order, here are a few:

1. Long days
2. Early mornings
3. Sunrises
4. The satisfaction of a good, sweaty workout
5. Cookouts
6. Corn on the cob
7. Fresh peaches
8. Fresh plums
9. Fresh strawberries
10. Ice cold drinks
11. Satisfyingly (and hydrating!) cantaloupe
12. Salty foods to replace electrolytes
13. S'mores
14. Watermelon
15. Tank tops
16. Tan lines
17. The nostalgic smell of sunscreen
18. The initially soothing warmth of the car after the frigidity of air conditioned buildings
19. The Fourth of July
20. Red, white, and blue
21. Patriotism
22. Fireworks
23. Driving home from work in daylight
24. Evening walks
25. Sunsets

Jess Connolly (2024) says to seize your season. I'm seizing summer and squeezing out its joy for all its worth!

Reference:

Connolly, J. (2024, May 26). Seize your season (No. 41). [Audio podcast episode]. In The Jess Connolly podcast. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/episode-41-seize-your-season/id1437912225?i=1000656850169

Things That Steal My Joy

We bought a new refrigerator last week. It was not really a choice. Rather, it was a necessity because our old one quit working, like completely quit working. Our food was either frozen in our newly acquired chest freezer, or in coolers with ice packs on the cold outdoor porch. Not really a way to live, at least not in the 21st century.

My husband did a lot of research on fridges. He found budget, and not so budget options. Alone, I probably would have bought the cheapest, ugliest thing and lived with it. That's really not the best option, but that's probably what I would have done. My husband, however, knows value and quality. He encourages us, where we can, to buy things with functionality. I always benefit when we do.

So back to the refrigerator, we decided to spend a little more than bottom dollar and get a nicer fridge with more features. Granted, we could not afford the fridge we really wanted, but we could afford one from the scratched and dented store that would take a little work. It took a lot of work just to acquire the fridge, and then to haul it upstairs into our condo. I felt an immediate wave of relief when we did. But then the foreboding joy started. 

After all this work, we would not want to ever move this fridge out of our condo. We had put a lot of money into it, and would put more. We would spend more time and money programming it to meet our needs. And then someday leave it? Instead of celebrating, I started prematurely grieving. Alternately, I questioned. I questioned if we really needed this fridge. I questioned if we should have gotten a cheaper one. I had a mild case of buyer's remorse, all of which stole my joy.

What I needed was to be thankful. What I needed was to be grateful. What I needed was to live in the moment, to savor the relief, to savor having a way to refrigerate food again. To celebrate modern conveniences. To rejoice over the wonderful ways God provided. To congratulate my husband on his frugal find. To dream about possibilities. It was a struggle.

Maybe it's my personality. Maybe it's life. I don't know. What I do know is that I want joy, and that I allow a lot of things to take it from me. Feelings are feelings, but I choose what to do with them. As I notice and name my joy stealers, I hope I get better at stealing the joy back. There is enough of it in this life. God has given us that. We just have to take it.

Marriage Misnomers: Holy Not Happy

 "Marriage is to make you holy, not happy." A paraphrase from Gary Thomas', I heard this time and time again leading up to marriage. I even read the book (Sacred Marriage) from which the quote was taken. But I didn't fully agree. I still don't fully agree. Marriage is hard. It has a sanctifying effect, sure, but I'm convinced it doesn't exclude happiness. Maybe I'm going out on a limb, but I'm going to say that if your marriage doesn't bring you happiness, there is a problem.

We live in the 21st century, a time and a place where we have the privilege of choosing our spouses. We choose our spouses because of attraction, because of love, because of compatibility. One of my greatest joys in life is doing life with my husband: adventuring, cooking, paying bills, even going shopping. (Yes, these same activities also bring sanctification.) I mourn for my brothers and sisters who want to experience this happiness, but have not yet been granted its gift. Marriage provides opportunities for future joy, too: in celebration, in dating, in intimacy, in laughter. The author of Proverbs realized that when he wrote, "May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth" (Proverbs 5:18, New International Version [NIV]). Is there hard stuff? Sure. But if the hard stuff eclipses happiness all the time, that might be a sign that your marriage is not in the right place.

Marriage accelerates growth. We need to weigh that fact, consider it, and take it to heart before we get married. When we get married, we need to be aware of the attacks that will come against our marriages. We need to work at at marriages lest they stagnate. We need to be holy because first and foremost, marriage honors God. But we must not forsake joy and happiness, because God is Joy. Happiness helps keep our marriages healthy, and healthy marriages image God.

Marriage is to make us not only happy, but also holy. Marriage is to make us not only holy, but also more joy-filled. Marriage can make us holy and happy. I think that's a better way to put it.

Celebration

Those that follow me on Instagram may have noticed something different about November. I posted every day. If you didn't catch the theme, the posts may have seemed random. And they were, but with intention. Using the National Day Calendar, I found something to celebrate every day. Silly at times? Yes! Needed? Yes! In this season of days without end, I needed something to mark my days. I also needed to flex my happiness muscles. 

I'm no brain scientist, but I do have a degree in behavioral health. In my personal and professional experience, I have realized that we need not only the chemicals in our brain to produce happiness (which is why I think that sometimes anti-depressants or other psychotropic drugs are needed), but also need to have the experiences that give those good brain chemicals chances to work. I was running low on at least the latter, and I needed to change that.

I had grown weary in trying to celebrate life. I would make plans to celebrate and then let them go, giving the excuse that I was too tired and weary. Celebration just seemed like a stressor. And in a way, it was. But it was a good stress, a stress I needed to feel happy.

The early days of November came with some struggle to get to my daily celebration. I just wanted to give up, but my commitment to celebrating and posting about it kept me going. (I honestly put celebration Instagram post on my daily to-do list.) Some days were a stretch. Some days, I celebrated late, but I made it through.

Do I feel happier? No, not necessarily, but I know I gave myself a chance. I also gave myself a task to work at and complete. That alone helped my brain at least a little. Will I continue? Maybe. Maybe not. What I do know is that I need to keep working at celebration, as it does not always come easily or naturally. And does anything good come steadily and easily? I'm beginning to wonder if it does. Maybe work is part of the process of celebration.

Make Your Own Happiness.

I made my own birthday cake this year. I wasn't sure how or if we would get to celebrate my birthday, and I wanted to do something. I felt a little selfish cooking for just myself, but knew I'd be happier for it. I think sometimes life is like that. We want people to make happiness for us, but sometimes we need to make our own.

My birthday came at an odd time this year. It was in the middle of a pandemic. It was in the middle of a work week. It was in the middle of college finals week. We'd planned to go see my parents the weekend prior, but didn't know if we could. I could let my birthday pass and be grumpy and mourn, or I could take the initiative and make my own celebration. That's what I did. In the end, I actually got to see my family to celebrate, and my mom made me a big cake. My mini celebration made room for a larger celebration with others.

Sometimes we need to take ourselves out for coffee. Sometimes we need to plan our own dates. Sometimes we need to make our own cakes. Sometimes we need to initiate our own celebrations of life. Sometimes we need to make our own happiness.

Making our own happiness prepares us to celebrate with others. Making our own happiness gets our brains ready to receive joy. I'm not saying be selfish. Still care for others. Still serve and give selflessly, but don't wait for permission to take care of yourself and live. Putting in a little time for personal celebration may make room for more, or at least make you a more pleasant person to be around. (In full disclosure, I ended up freezing the cake I made and brought it out later to celebrate my husband.)

So here's to celebration. Here's to happiness. Here's to a little self-care, a little more self-love, and celebrating with those we love when we can. May the world be better for it.

The Power of the "&"

I am a counselor. But I am a young one, and an inexperienced one at that. And that's why I appreciate supervision, and supervisors, the older, wiser women who watch what I do and point out how I can do it better. Lately, my supervisors have pointed out how often I use the word, "But."

"Yes, but."
"But have you thought of."
"But you're making progress.":

"But is a dismissive word," they say. And as I've listened, I've realized they're right. But leaves room for only one option. And many, many things in life co-exist. Like joy and grief, like happiness and sorrow, like hard and good. The more and more I think about it, the more I realize the power of the "and."

My own life presently is full of ands. The goodness of marriage and the pain of its growth. The fulfillment of my work and the sorrow it brings. The excitement of what's ahead and the sadness of what I will leave. The pleasantness of friends and the way they call me out on my weaknesses and failings. The gracious salvation of Jesus and the conviction of the Holy Spirit. The joy of this present world, and yet intense longing for the one to come.

There's power in the and, friends. There is power in letting seeming opposites co-exist. Difficulty comes with the "but," because it leaves no space for all the complexities that are life.

So here's to the "&", and using it more, in work, life, and beyond!

Enjoying Instead of Expecting

I had a little bit of a crash and burn birthday the first year I was home. I had big expectations for the day, not necessarily in terms of gifts and celebrations, but in terms of what I wanted to do.

But then I got a little cold. My parents ran late. The restaurant I wanted to go to had a long wait. My blood sugar got low and I got hangry/chicken little syndrome. I demanded that my parents take me home, and I didn't eat anything but a quesadilla and carrot sticks for dinner. (This isn't great, I know, but the truth.) Eventually we rescheduled the dinner date and celebrated, but the whole thing kind of put a damper on my birthday.

You would think I learned from that experience, but this year, I felt expectations rising again. I didn't want a big celebration for my birthday. (In fact, I told my parents that.) But I specific ideas of how I wanted things to go.

And the Spirit convicted me. I had all these expectations. I was falling prey to fear. I was getting anxious and irritable and overall not nice. I felt the Spirit say to me, "Stop expecting. Starting enjoying."

That really loosened my grip on things. By God's grace, I was able to let go a little and go with the flow. And the day really went well, which was a blessing. But maybe the greatest gift was being able to relax, and live, and enjoy instead of expecting. God is good.

When Times are Good...

Life is a swirl of excitement right now. There's a new niece, and wedding planning, and friend visits, and spring, beautiful spring! I want to celebrate it all and live out this season of celebration, but honestly, there's still fear. 

Fear of not having enough time to invest with all the people I love
Fear of missing out on one thing or another
Fear of the other shoe dropping and this facade of happiness crumbling
Fear of sickness
Fear of conflict
Fear of fear

And all the fear eats at my joy.

"When times are good, be happy," King Solomon wrote (Ecc 7:14a, New International Version). That's the sentiment that keeps coming back to me. So I'm trying. Trying to live in the moment. Trying to wring every drop of joy out of this season. These times are a blessing, for God has blessed me.

With family I love
With a fiance I love
With a beautiful new niece who's growing by the day
With warmer weather
And sunshine-y days
And hiking
And living 
And planning
And breathing
And being

WITH BEING A BELOVED CHILD OF GOD!

Hard times will come. That's what the latter part of the verse says. But God has made the happy times as well as the hard. I want and need to celebrate both.

Flip The Script

Prepare for the worst

Hope for the best

Won't you steady my heart

For whatever comes next?

~King and Country, "Need You More"

I generally consider myself an optimist, a person who looks at the bright side of things, a person who sees the glass as half full, who always holds hope. I've been convicted lately, however, that I might not be as optimistic as I think. When times are good, I'm wondering when they'll be bad. When relationships are healthy, I'm afraid to give thanks, for fear that this will lead to a prideful fall and rupture. When I have ample financial resources, I act as a miser, for fear that one day the money won't be there. When I have time off work, I let myself get overwhelmed with home details, or fear of going back to work. When days are sunny, I wonder when the rain will come. I find that I have a tendency to label life as hard, instead of seeing it as good. In so doing, I miss the joy of the moment, and I can end up sabotaging myself.

Now that I've realized what I'm doing, I'm trying, by the Holy Spirit's power, to view life as more of a privilege than a struggle. I'm trying to be present in the now instead of looking so muhc into the future. I'm trying to give thanks instead of worrying. Life is good. God has blessed me. Sure, there are hard parts of living, but that's not the substance of life. There is so much worth celebrating. So many good things worth recognizing and further pouring into.

Let's flip the script, shall we? Instead of looking for dysfunction, let's look for function. Instead of living with foreboding joy* about the future, let's celebrate the now. Let's rejoice and give thanks, for when we have God, we always have good.

*Credit for this term goes to Brene Brown and her books.

God-Things and Dreams

The short version: Chris asked me to marry him. I said, "Yes."

The long version: 

God-Things and Dreams

My sweet Nana went to be with Jesus May 17, 2015. When she went, she willed her heirloom diamond to me. I was kind of mad about it at the time. I had just turned 27 and saw no hopes of every getting married. I even angrily told my parents to give the ring to my cousin, but they didn't. They kept it because they believe in God-things.

Fast forward to June 10, 2018 and my dear friend's wedding. For the first time probably ever, I came away from a wedding with the simultaneously sinking, yet buoyant feeling that marriage would be good for me. It might even out some of my idiosyncracies, provide support, grant companionship, and ultimately make me into more of who God wanted me to be. I didn't exactly have prospects or even a promise, but I somehow felt that I was next. That feeling wasn't because the bridal bouquet fell at my feet (which it did, because my friend and I, the last single ones in our college friend group, refused to catch it) or because I was technically "next" on the getting married list which we made in probably 2009 or 2010 (which I was). I just had a feeling.

My friend group is super faithful to pray for one another, so before we packed up and left the wedding, we stood in a circle and prayed. I asked my friends to pray community for me, something I felt desperately lacking in my new state of Arizona. Little did I know what God would do.

I came home that weekend to only having my parents for a few days. I knew they had to leave at the end of the week and that felt lonely to me. But I prayerfully approached the week and knew somehow I'd made it through. God has gotten me through before, and I knew he would again.

That week, I got an e-mail about a College and Career group event in downtown Prescott. It sounded fun and I had been trying to get more involved with the group, so I decided to go. And since I was the one of the oldest ones at our church and wanted to find more community, I e-mailed Chris. I thought he was an interesting person, but I honestly wasn't trying to make the first move. He just happened to be the only person my age I had contact information for and I felt very strongly that I should talk to him about going, so I did.

I had a lot of fun that night. I didn't realize until afterward that Chris and I were the only ones our age there, and that I was the only unmarried girl there. Whoops! Chris walked me to my car afterward (because I was parked far away in the dark, and that's the kind of guy he is). We stood on the sidewalk and talked for what seemed like forever, and then I left and went home to my empty house.

Chris and I hung out a lot that summer, and last fall, we started dating. There are a lot of God-details in that story, but I'll leave them out for now.

God Thing #1 (that I can bear witness to, because I see God's fingerprints all over this)

March 4, 2019: I told Chris that I was talking time off work March 11th. He'd already told me he wanted to do something together after church March 10th, but that wasn't the reason for my vacation request. I just needed time off. God knew, and he was preparing the way.

God Thing #2 

March 7, 2019: I was at the mall for work. Chris was in the jeweler's at the mall looking at rings. I was headed right for the jeweler's, but he saw me and quickly hid. I never saw him there. I actually didn't seem him until he was walking out. I wondered what he was up to, but was too busy to give it much thought.

God Thing #3

More March 7, 2019: Chris saw my car at my work and asked to go over and talk to my parents, assuming I'd be gone. Good thing I worked late that day! I'd actually seen his car at church next door and planned to go talk to him, but when I didn't see him, I went to the grocery store instead, something I don't usually do. That gave Chris more margin.

Chris asked my parents' permission to marry me, and when they gave it, he asked what kind of ring my mom thought I'd want. Mom gave him Nana's ring. Chris was surprised, because he didn't know it existed. (I mean, what kind of girl tells her boyfriend, "Hey, if you ever think of marrying me, I've already got a ring!" And we very specifically had set a dating boundary that we weren't talking about us getting married until that was the plan. So we'd talked about God and the meaning of marriage and our values and lots of other important things, but not about us getting married.) 

God Thing #4, a bunch of God-things wrapped up in one

March 10, 2019, The Proposal: The day dawned bright and clear, nicer than it's been in awhile, especially after our 27 inches of snow near the end of February. It got colder and windier as the day went on, but it was still decent weather wise.

Chris took me to hike Trail 28 on Mingus Mountain, the trail we hiked the day we decided to start dating. We hiked up the trail instead of down and back up, like we did the first time. Chris told me at the top that he thought he'd pushed a little too hard. I told him that he should have told me to stop. He said he was fine. I shrugged, not fully believing him, but not knowing what else to do. We rested a few minutes and headed back down. He'd told me he wanted to stop at the rock outcropping where we stopped the first time. We did. We took a few pictures and when he sat down on the rock outcropping, I went and joined him.

"So, I'm kind of glad we got to hike this trail again, like we did that first day. And I'm glad we had that conversation afterward." He said.

I laughed. "Yeah, I'm glad we had that conversation, too, or we wouldn't be here."

I could tell he was getting sentimental, but I didn't know what to do, so I just stared across the valley at the scenery.

"So I don't know how to do this, because I've never done it before," he said, "But will you marry me?" As he asked the question, he pulled out a box from his pocket and opened it to show me a ring. 

I'd kind of wondered if he might propose that day, but I didn't want to be presumptuous. I'd prayed to just enjoy the day (because it was a dating anniversary for us) and see what happened. I'd prayed and planned my response, too, however, because that's the kind of person I am.

"It would be a privilege to marry you," I said. "So yes."

I picked up the ring and looked at it. I was pretty sure it was Nana's, but needed to see. Chris told me that we could go to the jeweler Monday to get it "fixed" or reset. Good thing I had Monday off!

We talked, took more pictures, and then headed back down the trail. Good thing we were headed down, because that meant we could talk while we walked. We decided at the car to go to Wal-Mart and get rubber rings to wear while we waited for my ring to get remade. Chris asked if he could wear a ring, too. I said, "Why not?" We're both committed to this process of marriage at this point, so I don't see why he can't have a symbol of that process, too.

God Thing #5

Later that day: We went home to my house and told my parents the news. Mom told me that she'd secretly been praying that I wouldn't move out until I got married. She apologized that the house I was buying fell through, saying it was her fault. I told her not to worry about it. That house wouldn't have been good for me anyway.

Chris and I were debating dates, but worried about what people would think of our timeline. The people we value most told us to make our engagement short. We didn't expect that, but took it as confirmation from the Lord. I don't do things lightly, but when I do act, I tend to do it quickly and jump in with both feet. Here we go....

Dreams

Since I was a little girl, I dreamed of being proposed to at a high point on a hike. I'd heard a similar story from friends of the family and always had that stuck in my head. I'd always wanted to date and fall in love with just one guy. And I'd always wanted a summer/sunshine-y wedding, but didn't think it would happen. Now it is. God is such a good God.

Life's an adventure. I said that when I moved to Arizona, and I had no clue at the time that I'd fall in love and get married here. But that's the way God works sometimes: unexpectedly, silently, and then larger than life. I'm thankful for where I am, for where we are, and looking forward with hope to what God has next for us. May He get the glory in and through it all.

"Not to us, Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness."

~Psalm 115:1, New International Version

The Difference Between Happiness and Joy

Happiness and joy. Joy and happiness. I always wrestle with these two. Happiness is fleeting. Joy endures. Happiness is more of an emotion. Joy is more of a state of being, a choice. I always say I want joy, but that reality is that I want happiness, too. At times I've felt a little more happiness, I've felt almost guilty, like I should have joy instead. But what's really the difference between happiness and joy?

As I've thought about joy and happiness more lately, I've thought about how joy really can't exist without some pain. I don't really have to choose joy when I'm feeling happy. Happiness is just a pure feeling of exhilaration, bliss, contentment. Joy, on the other hand, exists because something has been hard. It's the sunshine from beyond the shadow, the belief that there is beauty in the pain, finding purpose in the waiting. Joy hopes. Joy has faith. Joy is strength. Happiness just is.

Happiness isn't bad, I've realized. It is a gift I need to recognize and appreciate, without feeling guilty for it. Happiness is like an adrenaline shot that brings attention to our joy and re-infuses it with energy. It has a purpose, and it's a good one.

So this year, let us hold joy and happiness in the same hand, and let us pursue both. May we not shun sorrow, for it promotes growth, a greater sense of joy, and perhaps a greater enjoyment of our purely happy moments. May we see life in its entirety, happiness, joy, and sorrow, as a gift, because that is what life is.

Repressed Feelings

I work with children in the behavioral health field. Something we talk about time and time again are seasons and how they affect kids. We often find that kids get dysregulated around certain times of year, not because of the times of year specifically, but because of the things associated with those times of year. Guess what? Adults are the same way!

I've had several times recently where I've found myself unknowingly upset about something. I've despaired about a move, even though it was exciting. I've been sad around a holiday, even though there is no sadness this year. I've felt trapped by weather, even though I'm not actually trapped. In each case, the emotions I felt were associated not with the actual events or seasons, but were brought up by associations with previous events and seasons. I've had moves that were traumatic. I've had sad holidays. I've been trapped by snow, tornadoes, and other tumultuous weather. The brain is a powerful machine, and the external stimuli associated with current events are bringing up unpleasant feelings associated with past events.

Why do I share all this? Because I think a lot of us have feelings that upset us. We judge ourselves for the feelings without realizing where they might be coming from. We think we should be past the past and we give ourselves no grace to feel the way we do. And in so doing, we miss the change to reprocess times and seasons of our lives so that they might become good again.

So in this new year, if you have some unpleasant feelings, I encourage you to acknowledge them, to sit with them, and to see if you can find out where they come from. If you can, process those feelings. Let yourself feel them. And then resolve to redeem the current seasons and events. And if you don't know where the feelings come from, still let yourself feel them. Let yourself grieve. And then move on. This is the way to authentic living, to living in the moment, to feeling the joy, even if there is some associated pain.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Love

Things Love Does:

• Takes time off work.
• Gets up early.
• Travels long distances.
• Joins with others in preparations.
• Celebrates.
• Gives.

Ultimately, love for me condenses down to three categories: God, Others, and Self. I'd argue that all three are important. As I traveled to my cousin's wedding this weekend, I had a front row seat to see love in all three areas.

God:

• Blessed me with an easier work day Friday before I flew out.
• Provided the means (financial, energy, and otherwise) to go on this trip.
• Showed His love through the many selfless acts of love I saw: "Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us" (1 John 4:11-12).

Others:

• Sacrificed to travel with us. Originally, only my mom and I planned to go on this trip, but my dad and boyfriend decided to take time off work to accompany us. That was a sacrifice of their time and resources, as well as extra work since they had to find people to cover the tasks they left behind.

• Invited us to celebrate in their special occasions. My paternal cousin and his wife were celebrating their son's birthday this weekend, but let us join in since that was the only time we could see them. What a blessing! I haven't seen that part of the family for probably seventeen years. And their son was so adorable!
• Gave up comfort in order to provide comfort for us. We had amazing hosts who not only freed up spare rooms for us, but also talked to us, fed us, gave us directions, and even offered to iron our clothes. Wow! I was blown away by the gift of God's grace seen through them.
• Joined with us in preparations. We joined with an amazing group of people team up with my maternal aunt and uncle to prepare for their daughter's wedding. Some were family. Some were friends. Some were neighbors. My boyfriend did a ton even though he was just a guest. What gifts!
• Demonstrated Christlikeness in their relationships. My cousin and new husband had such a godly wedding ceremony. I admire them and was so blessed to celebrate in their special day! Congratulations, you two!
• Showed love in the little things. My uncle bought lunch for us. Dad got Mom coffee from Starbuck's multiple times. Mom and my boyfriend went walking with me in the airports, and in the community. Dad drove us through Chik-Fil-A when I asked for that for supper. My boyfriend checked me in for my return flight so I didn't have to get up so early. Mom took pictures (because she knows how much I like them and how much they mean to me). Wow. I am blessed!

• Loved me when I was less than lovable. Traveling and stress don't make me the nicest, most pleasant person, but the people around me were still kind and compassionate. I need to work on being more kind to them!

Myself: 

• Set limits. This one was hard for me. I am realizing more and more that I can only do so much. Loving others means I have to love myself enough to say, "No" and save my energy for what's really important. I had to do that a few times this weekend, and I didn't like it, but I needed to do it.
• Meant taking time away. Walking did that for me this weekend. I also spent a little time before bed each night by myself doing crosswords and eating my snack. I want to be able to go, go, go and be around people all the time, but the reality is that I am an introvert and need time alone to recharge. I can love others better when I take time out.

The US Constitution says men are endowed with certain inalienable rights, including life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I changed the last part to the pursuit of love for the purpose of this post, because I think we need love to experience happiness. I always thought love was a "given," but God has been showing me that love takes work. It's required opening myself up to greater vulnerability and even pain, but it's also brought more richness to life, more joy. Praise God for times like this weekend when I've seen both the beauty of love and the need to grow in it at the same time.

Focal Dystonia: What Helps

I've written several times here about my focal dystonia. It's been a long journey, and one I am beginning to realize will never be over, save the Lord miraculously healing me. To be honest, the condition seems to be worsening again, but after working for nearly a year to build back the muscle lost to atrophy from getting botox, I'm focusing on finding any way I can to avoid that again.

What I've Tried:

• Avoiding crochet: I tried this for a year, thinking if I gave the repetitive motion a break, maybe my hand would get better. It didn't.
• A low-salt diet: I thought that lower salt might reduce inflammation, but it didn't seem to help, and I like my salt! So I went back to trying to eat moderately and not avoidantly.
• Botox: I already mentioned this, but it caused major atrophy of my arm and extreme weakness that I am still trying to overcome. The doctor said that botox will always cause atrophy, but that the last amount I received was enough for someone with an arm the size of my leg. Go figure!

What's Helped:

• Using an ergonomic crochet hook: This has allowed me to enjoy crocheting again. I still cannot crochet as long or as often as I like, but at least I can do something. The "fatter" handle makes the hook easier to grasp and helps reduce the dystonic clenching that happens.
• Physical therapy: This helped me recognize how the dystonia was affecting my whole body. It has helped me work on my posture and make other corrections to prevent and treat the neck and shoulder pain that come from the dsytonic contractions. It also gave me a home strengthening routine that has helped me rebuild my muscle. I'm on round three of the eight week program and have gained about three quarters of an inch of muscle back in my right forearm, which tells you how much I'd lost.
• Occupational therapy: This added to my physical therapy routine and gave me some ideas about the process behind the dsytonia. My therapist also recommended some special writing implements and other assistive devices for use when my hand is bothering me. One is the Pen-Again, which is an alternate grip pen that again reduces the clenching action I have with the dystonia.
• Oval-8 finger splints: The occupational therapist recommended these, and I think they help sometimes. They are supposed to stop hyperextension, but the therapist said they also might add sensory input. Whatever. If I'm having a hard day typing, I try them. They at least look cool (or so my kids say!)
• Changing my routine: The truth is, my life isn't the same as before dystonia, which means I have to do things differently. This means I don't play piano as much, or much at all. I use my left hand more. I have to remember to hold onto things strongly with my right hand. I use a stand-up desk at work to relieve shoulder tension. I try to break up typing into shorter periods. I stretch a lot.
• Acceptance: The mental aspect of dystonia is part of the struggle. I fought my diagnosis and its permanency for quite some time. I wanted to find an answer, a solution, but there isn't one right now. So I am trying to accept my condition and give thanks to God for what I can do. And little things like painting my nails helps me remember to do that.

Dsytonia is not a condition I would wish on anybody, but it's my reality, and by God's grace, I'm learning to cope with it.

Fear...Is it a Good Thing?

Fear can be limiting, and that's how its affected my life. It's been paralyzing, preventing me from really living, from really enjoying life. It's kept me scared, quiet, withdrawn, and afraid. It's backed me into corners where I've been disconnected from friends, family, and even my truest self. 

I've written a lot about fear this past year because I've felt it a lot. Fear is a plague, or at least that's how I've labeled it in my life. But I started thinking recently that maybe I've been viewing fear wrongly. Maybe fear isn't such a bad thing.

As I've started to face my fears, I've realized that most of my fears mask anxiety. Most of the time when I feel fear it's because I'm about to do something really brave. I'm about to tell others what I think or feel, take a stand, or otherwise venture outside my comfort zone. I'm about do something I know I need to do, but don't know the results of. I am vulnerable, exposed. And it feels scary.

The unknown is frightening and there does need to be some preparation and planning for it. I do need to count costs of the risks I am going to take. But the unknown is also exciting, full of possibility; open-ended, reason for hope.

So maybe fear is a good thing, because it helps me count what it costs to really live. It helps me consider if the risk I'm going to take is really worth it. If the thought or feeling or stand is important enough to risk criticism or hurt or rejection. If the possibility of a glorious ending is worth the risk of a terrible disaster.

I don't think I'll ever see the end of fear in my life, but I think I need to keep embracing it. I need to keep facing it, and walking forward. And maybe more than even accepting it, I need to start getting excited about it. Because fear and facing it has led to lots of good things in my life, and I believe it can lead to more. Sure, there will be hurt and heartbreak along the way. But if that's the cost of the good, of really living and enjoying life, isn't it worth it?

The Co-Existence of Joy and Grief

A lot of good things are happening in my life right now, like really good things. Things I've hoped for, prayed for, and wanted for ages. Things worth celebrating. 

Although I feel a great deal of joy, I've also feel quite a bit of sadness, however. And I don't like it. But the more I think about it, the more I think it's appropriate. Because I think growth into the person God wants me to be involves grief. Grieving my old life and looking forward to the new. Giving up good things in favor of better things. Mourning the comfortable known of the past, and moving into the discomfort of the unknown future. 

I keep waiting for a day where I feel joy exclusive of sadness, but I don't think that's an attainable goal. Rather, I think that joy coexists with grief.  With each season of life comes an accompanying sorrow:

With the joy of adulthood comes the passing of childhood.
With the joy of a steady work comes the loss of flexible time.
With the joy of moving to be close to family comes the loss of those who were like family.
With the joy of marriage comes the surrender of one's individuality.
With the joy of parenting comes the pain of childbirth.
With the joy of a child's growth comes the sorrow of lost innocence.
With the joy of retirement comes the pain of finding a new identity.
With the joy of a loved one's home going to heaven comes the pain of their earthly absence.

Joy and grief. Grief and joy. We wouldn't appreciate what we have so much if it didn't come with some pain.

As we anticipate the coming of a new year, may we all embrace the joys of life along with the grief. May we all believe that grief and joy can co-exist, because if we don't, we may miss out on enjoying the joys of life all together.

Timelines

Our pastor preached a sermon a few weeks ago about timelines. Really, the sermon was about Jesus and how His birth and life and death happened perfectly, maybe not according to man's timeline, but according to God's. The pastor stated, "Everything on God's timeline will come to pass," and that got me thinking.

I stress so much about the future. I worry about tomorrow, next month, and next year. It's not an admirable trait, but rather a true struggle for me. Lately, I've found myself worrying even more about things I thought I'd decided to let go, like a house. Life is pretty good, and I don't have any major worries, so my brain seems to have decided to go back to worrying about things I don't need to worry about. I'm convinced it's a tactic of Satan to steal the joy of the present moment, too. By Jesus' power, I refuse to let him do that. 

"Everything on God's timeline will come to pass."

That means:

If I'm supposed to have a house, it will happen.

If I'm supposed to get my counseling license, it will happen.

If my work schedule is supposed to stabilize, it will happen.

If I'm supposed to get married someday, it will happen.

If I'm supposed to have a family of my own, it will happen.

If I need more education, it will happen.

If I'm supposed to...it will happen.

I believe the the truth written in the Bible that says "God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable" (Rom 11:29). Therefore, I have to trust that the things on God's timeline for my life will take place, and that anything that doesn't happen wasn't supposed to happen. But I also have to acknowledge that those those things on the timeline might not happen in the order I think they should, because this life is God's, not my own.

So friends, are you waiting? Waiting for a promotion? Waiting for that job change? Waiting for a life partner? Waiting for a child? Waiting to be where you think you should be? Everything on God's timeline will happen. Believe it. Trust it. Rest in it. 

May we together live in the now and not in the not yet.

Little Things

Acts of service and words of affirmation are my love languages. Or at least that's what the test said. But I've also realized that there are a lot of little things that matter to me, make me feel loved, and bring me joy. Some are about people doing things for me, and some are just about enjoying life. In no particular order of importance, here are a few of those:

Like handwritten notes

And apples

And unloaded dishwashers.

Like candles

And dark cocoa powder

And sturdy spoons

And sunshine.

Like coupon cutting 

And warm cups of tea

And soft blankets.

Like shining stars in the black night sky

And flashes of insight

And hugs from friends.

God is good. Life is good.

If I just appreciate the little things. When I appreciate the little things.