The Cool Kid

I always wanted to be that kid: the social butterfly, the one invited to all the parties, the person everyone wanted to be around, the cool kid. To an extent, I have gotten to be "that kid" a few times now. I got to be that kid when I had my first job in Arizona post-grad school. My new coworkers invited me to the bar before our training activities, and I got to go to the social events after the training. I didn't drink, but I did partake in the activities. I said it was to get to know them, and I did, but not necessarily in ways I would have liked. Overall, I still felt out of place. I found that socializing around alcohol really was not my thing.

I have gotten to be "the cool kid" several time since then: I have been invited to multiple social events, spent time in crowds of people, etc. I continue to find that I am uncomfortable. I would rather be the fly on the wall (though hopefully not a pesky one) than the social butterfly. I would rather eat dinner at home in peace that while nibbling on hors d'oeuvres and hobnobbing with "the brass." I would rather talk to my husband or a close friend than flit from group to group. I am really more of an introvert than an extrovert.

The older I get, the less I want to be "the cool kid." The older I get, the more cool I become with being me: a homebody with a few close friends, most of whom don't live near me. I skip quite a few social events. I don't stay super long at the events I do attend. I spend most of my nights at home, doing housework, talking to my husband, and then bookending the day with a crossword, snack, and cup of cocoa. For the most part, I am cool with it.

This is my life. This is my jam. I am no longer a kid, but a grown adult, and maybe, just maybe, I am finally coming into myself. Maybe, with God's help, I can continue to be cool with that.

Different: Take it Or Leave It

I went to an arcade with my husband and friends. I came home an hour later. I wanted to go. I enjoyed being there. I stayed as long as I wanted.

I felt kind of sheepish as I came home, though, embarrassed, even ashamed. They stayed out a whole lot longer than I did. They even went to a second arcade, hoping it would be less crowded and more quiet. (They report that it wasn't.) I hate being different, and that night, it stood out that I was very different. It felt bad.

My window of tolerance for social engagement, noise, and stimuli is small. Whether it is nature or nurture, it is the way I am. I can honor that and cut out of social engagements when I need to, or I can push it and grow bitter and resentful. (I know because I have tried it.) Often times when I push it, I say or do mean things as I try to recover. I decide I never want to do that kind of thing again (and often I don't). It's not positive. 

So my options are to do what I did that night: go and engage a little bit and them go home, or not go at all. I am learning to do the former, and to try to accept that I am just different in what I can handle. Maybe my tolerance will change. Maybe it won't. This is just me, and I have to take it or leave it.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Love

Things Love Does:

• Takes time off work.
• Gets up early.
• Travels long distances.
• Joins with others in preparations.
• Celebrates.
• Gives.

Ultimately, love for me condenses down to three categories: God, Others, and Self. I'd argue that all three are important. As I traveled to my cousin's wedding this weekend, I had a front row seat to see love in all three areas.

God:

• Blessed me with an easier work day Friday before I flew out.
• Provided the means (financial, energy, and otherwise) to go on this trip.
• Showed His love through the many selfless acts of love I saw: "Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us" (1 John 4:11-12).

Others:

• Sacrificed to travel with us. Originally, only my mom and I planned to go on this trip, but my dad and boyfriend decided to take time off work to accompany us. That was a sacrifice of their time and resources, as well as extra work since they had to find people to cover the tasks they left behind.

• Invited us to celebrate in their special occasions. My paternal cousin and his wife were celebrating their son's birthday this weekend, but let us join in since that was the only time we could see them. What a blessing! I haven't seen that part of the family for probably seventeen years. And their son was so adorable!
• Gave up comfort in order to provide comfort for us. We had amazing hosts who not only freed up spare rooms for us, but also talked to us, fed us, gave us directions, and even offered to iron our clothes. Wow! I was blown away by the gift of God's grace seen through them.
• Joined with us in preparations. We joined with an amazing group of people team up with my maternal aunt and uncle to prepare for their daughter's wedding. Some were family. Some were friends. Some were neighbors. My boyfriend did a ton even though he was just a guest. What gifts!
• Demonstrated Christlikeness in their relationships. My cousin and new husband had such a godly wedding ceremony. I admire them and was so blessed to celebrate in their special day! Congratulations, you two!
• Showed love in the little things. My uncle bought lunch for us. Dad got Mom coffee from Starbuck's multiple times. Mom and my boyfriend went walking with me in the airports, and in the community. Dad drove us through Chik-Fil-A when I asked for that for supper. My boyfriend checked me in for my return flight so I didn't have to get up so early. Mom took pictures (because she knows how much I like them and how much they mean to me). Wow. I am blessed!

• Loved me when I was less than lovable. Traveling and stress don't make me the nicest, most pleasant person, but the people around me were still kind and compassionate. I need to work on being more kind to them!

Myself: 

• Set limits. This one was hard for me. I am realizing more and more that I can only do so much. Loving others means I have to love myself enough to say, "No" and save my energy for what's really important. I had to do that a few times this weekend, and I didn't like it, but I needed to do it.
• Meant taking time away. Walking did that for me this weekend. I also spent a little time before bed each night by myself doing crosswords and eating my snack. I want to be able to go, go, go and be around people all the time, but the reality is that I am an introvert and need time alone to recharge. I can love others better when I take time out.

The US Constitution says men are endowed with certain inalienable rights, including life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I changed the last part to the pursuit of love for the purpose of this post, because I think we need love to experience happiness. I always thought love was a "given," but God has been showing me that love takes work. It's required opening myself up to greater vulnerability and even pain, but it's also brought more richness to life, more joy. Praise God for times like this weekend when I've seen both the beauty of love and the need to grow in it at the same time.