Maybe I've Been Wrong....

I can be pretty harsh in assessing judgments and motives. If I listen, the Holy Spirit usually leads me to tune in and re-evaluate, but my first instinct is often to think the worst. And so it has been for me with gifts much of my life. I like gifts, don't get me wrong, but I have sometimes seen big gifts as trying to win affection or favor. Maybe I've been wrong. Maybe they're just expressing love in their love language, because gift-giving is a way to show love. What if I took it as that?

I started thinking this way after a big gift from my husband. It was a very, very nice gift, and it still left me feeling unsettled. I could not quite discern why. I know I felt unworthy. I know I didn't like the price tag of the gift (which I saw, because we share a budget). I worried that I would somehow break the gift. But there was somehow more. But then that old stuff came up: judgments of people, past experiences where someone gave big gifts, when I really needed something more intangible: connection, affirmation, time, etc. But then I had to remind myself that my husband is not them. He loves me well and he only buys me big gifts when we can afford them. He buys me nice things because he wants me to have them and believes they will be useful. He gives me big gifts because he loves me. His love in other ways is not lacking, either.

I may also struggle with because big gifts are not my love language. Big gifts were few and far between in my growing up life, and as a saver, it's hard for me to spend a lot of money all at once. And I would rather be served or have little gifts a lot of the time. Service is my own giving love language. But we're all different. What if a person can love well and give gifts? Shouldn't that be okay? Shouldn't I let them? Shouldn't I affirm them and thank them? I'm afraid I've been wrong about a lot of gifts and gift-giving. It's not the gift, but the heart that matters. May God, in His grace, allow me to look for that.

Happy Heart's Day!

I have never been much for celebrating Valentine's Day. I haven't liked what it's stood for, and I hate the commercialism of it. But in this current season of life, I am up for celebrating anything and everything, even silly holidays. Since today is a work day, I took to celebrating Valentine's Day with my love on Saturday, our date day. I themed the day with hearts, but with a twist, in that each time I gave my husband something heart-shaped, I tried to tell him something I appreciated about him. I almost forgot with the first one, though!

I started that day with a heart-shaped Hershey's chocolate chip caramel Kreme doughnut. (Thank you, Krispy Kreme for the Valentine's Day theme!) I had some heart shaped Cheerios on hand as a back-up, less sugary breakfast.

I attempted to make pizza with heart shapes for dinner (pan pepperoni pizza for him and thin crust radish pizza for me).

We did some date night questions from our heart jar.

Then we made a Valentine's Day cookie house (since we never got around to a gingerbread house this Christmas).

All in all, a fun day, and a day worth celebrating. I guess not every day can be that way, but maybe we can find ways to celebrate a little every day? Especially with/for those we love?

Real Life Marriage: Service, Sacrifice, Submission

I believe I am called to three things as a wife: service, sacrifice, and submission. None come easy. I am learning that fulfilling these callings also looks different than I expected.

Service: God created Eve as Adam's helpmate (Gen 2:18). Therefore, I believe I am to be my husband's helper, or as I affectionately call it, "support staff." But serving does not always look like I expect. True service and help looks like seeking out my husband's needs and serving in ways that benefit him, not me. Maybe that means not doing the dishes because he wants to do them to have a break from his work. Maybe that looks like getting his favorite takeout instead of making dinner for us myself. Maybe that means the menial rather than the magical. I can serve how I want to be served all day long, but that's not what marriage is about. Marriage is about self-giving love, which means putting my husband's needs first.

Sacrifice: I thought I was sacrificially loving my husband through my service until I realized that my serving often doesn't cost me anything. Service is my giving love language, but sacrifice is not just giving, but giving until it hurts, until I have actually lost something. True sacrifice can look like quitting chores early in favor of quality time, even if it means I have more to do the next day and that stresses me out. True sacrifice can look like going out of the way to go to a store that has my husband's favorite product, even if there are few other reasons for me to visit that store. True sacrifice can look like giving up my plans in favor of his. True sacrifice can look like putting two slices of cheese on his sandwich even when I want to ration to reduce grocery trips. True sacrifice means surrendering what I want in favor of what he wants.

Submission: "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord" (Eph 5:22). I never thought that obeying this command would be easy, but I never thought it would be so hard. My husband is the leader of our home, and his word rules. But sometimes his word looks like him asking for my feedback and me needing to practice vulnerability in order to give it. Sometimes submitting looks like making a decision when my husband asks me to do so. Sometimes submitting means practicing patience to wait for my husband to make the decision. Sometimes submitting means abandoning an issue all together because it's not one my husband wants to keep on the table. I want my husband to be a strong leader, and I pray that I empower him to be so with my actions. I am learning, however, that submission is also an action and requires actual work on my part.

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Am I a good wife? Do I fulfill what I believe are God's callings for me in my marriage? No and no. But I am learning and trying. May I grow more and more into my role and its associated actions with time, and as the Holy Spirit does His work. To God be the glory.

When Your Love Languages Differ

Love languages are something I am constantly learning. Living with my parents taught me to look for differences in love languages and cater accordingly. Marriage is providing a new learning arena, teaching me that love languages differ not only in type, but also in expression. Admittedly, my husband and I have distinct differences in our preferred love language. Quality time is right near the top for both of us, however. I thought this would make sharing love easier. Nope! While we both value quality time, what quality time means looks different for each of us.

For my husband, as with many men, quality time means side-by-side. That means that eating meals together, watching shows, sitting at our computers is quality time. These types of activities don't make me feel loved, however. When I want quality time, I want connection, engagement, processing. I want to be able to share my heart and have my husband respond in part. But do I tell him that? No. I badger, nag, try to force him to engage in quality time the way I prefer. I continually and repeatedly tell him that I need time. He gets befuddled, saying we've had time.  It's a vicious cycle. 

I listened to a podcast recently about sticking together when the world falls apart. If the world we're living in isn't falling apart, I don't know what is. And my husband and I have committed to staying together through it. So we have to figure out this love language issue. The speakers in that podcast talked about meeting their spouses where they were, serving their spouses according to the spouse's needs, not their own. That is hard for me. When I am low, when I feel empty, quality time without interaction is one of the hardest things for me to give. I can serve. I can give gifts. I can encourage. But I struggle to sit. To be. To give presence. But what if that is what my husband needs? Do I love him enough to give it?

The speakers in that podcast also talked about the power of the check-in, of coming to their spouse with a stated need, and the other person making time to process that need. A simple concept, but hard to carry out. Something I am guilty of failing at, both in the asking and the receiving.

I've written about love languages before, but here I am again. Why? Because I am still learning. And perhaps you are, too. My husband and I have mismatched expressions of our love language, but we love each other. So we're communicating. Realizing that our love languages and our expressions of love differ. Practicing speaking each other's love languages, even if we don't get them right. Isn't that the key to language learning? Practice doesn't make perfect, but it does make better. And better is what we're after. Better. Together. Forever.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Love

Things Love Does:

• Takes time off work.
• Gets up early.
• Travels long distances.
• Joins with others in preparations.
• Celebrates.
• Gives.

Ultimately, love for me condenses down to three categories: God, Others, and Self. I'd argue that all three are important. As I traveled to my cousin's wedding this weekend, I had a front row seat to see love in all three areas.

God:

• Blessed me with an easier work day Friday before I flew out.
• Provided the means (financial, energy, and otherwise) to go on this trip.
• Showed His love through the many selfless acts of love I saw: "Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us" (1 John 4:11-12).

Others:

• Sacrificed to travel with us. Originally, only my mom and I planned to go on this trip, but my dad and boyfriend decided to take time off work to accompany us. That was a sacrifice of their time and resources, as well as extra work since they had to find people to cover the tasks they left behind.

• Invited us to celebrate in their special occasions. My paternal cousin and his wife were celebrating their son's birthday this weekend, but let us join in since that was the only time we could see them. What a blessing! I haven't seen that part of the family for probably seventeen years. And their son was so adorable!
• Gave up comfort in order to provide comfort for us. We had amazing hosts who not only freed up spare rooms for us, but also talked to us, fed us, gave us directions, and even offered to iron our clothes. Wow! I was blown away by the gift of God's grace seen through them.
• Joined with us in preparations. We joined with an amazing group of people team up with my maternal aunt and uncle to prepare for their daughter's wedding. Some were family. Some were friends. Some were neighbors. My boyfriend did a ton even though he was just a guest. What gifts!
• Demonstrated Christlikeness in their relationships. My cousin and new husband had such a godly wedding ceremony. I admire them and was so blessed to celebrate in their special day! Congratulations, you two!
• Showed love in the little things. My uncle bought lunch for us. Dad got Mom coffee from Starbuck's multiple times. Mom and my boyfriend went walking with me in the airports, and in the community. Dad drove us through Chik-Fil-A when I asked for that for supper. My boyfriend checked me in for my return flight so I didn't have to get up so early. Mom took pictures (because she knows how much I like them and how much they mean to me). Wow. I am blessed!

• Loved me when I was less than lovable. Traveling and stress don't make me the nicest, most pleasant person, but the people around me were still kind and compassionate. I need to work on being more kind to them!

Myself: 

• Set limits. This one was hard for me. I am realizing more and more that I can only do so much. Loving others means I have to love myself enough to say, "No" and save my energy for what's really important. I had to do that a few times this weekend, and I didn't like it, but I needed to do it.
• Meant taking time away. Walking did that for me this weekend. I also spent a little time before bed each night by myself doing crosswords and eating my snack. I want to be able to go, go, go and be around people all the time, but the reality is that I am an introvert and need time alone to recharge. I can love others better when I take time out.

The US Constitution says men are endowed with certain inalienable rights, including life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I changed the last part to the pursuit of love for the purpose of this post, because I think we need love to experience happiness. I always thought love was a "given," but God has been showing me that love takes work. It's required opening myself up to greater vulnerability and even pain, but it's also brought more richness to life, more joy. Praise God for times like this weekend when I've seen both the beauty of love and the need to grow in it at the same time.

Men Matter: My Message for Valentine's Day

The suited man held a bouquet of red roses behind his back. That was the photo on the cover of the advertisement. That was all. The photo could have been worse. There are a lot more sordid depictions of Valentine's Day, but the photo still upset me. Call me overly sensitive about things, but I didn't like the ideals the ad promoted.

What is so wrong about a man hiding flowers behind his back? Well nothing. Except that it is an incomplete picture. Valentine's Day isn't supposed to be just about men giving women flowers. It's supposed to be about love, and love requires action. So a true picture should show the man with the flowers and the woman with, I don't know, a pie? And love is not all about gifts or food, either. It's about selflessness and sacrifice and speaking love in a language that the person understands. (See The Five Love Languages.) Love is mutual.

I also believe that society demeans men overall. Why are we reducing men to machines that can only deliver flowers, or that need to deliver flowers or other pleasantries on Valentine's Day to show love? Still other popular advertisements debase men to the status of purely physical creatures that go after women because they have tacos in their purse, or are wearing a certain perfume. Really? 

I have a lot of good men in my life, men who yes, sometimes, give me flowers, but who also love me in a lot of other really important ways. They encourage me. They pray for me. They compliment me. They help me calm down when I'm anxious. They change the oil in my car. They fix flat tires. They recognize when something is important to me and support me in doing it. And maybe that's why I'm so sensitive to the way that culture depicts men.

Men matter. I could go into why they matter not just to me, but to the health of society overall, but that is a topic for another post. For now, I'd like to express gratitude to all the great guys in my life, and encourage you to do the same. Let's start building up those around us and loving them well, because that's biblical and godly, and what we need to do if we want healthy, strong relationships.

Little Things

Acts of service and words of affirmation are my love languages. Or at least that's what the test said. But I've also realized that there are a lot of little things that matter to me, make me feel loved, and bring me joy. Some are about people doing things for me, and some are just about enjoying life. In no particular order of importance, here are a few of those:

Like handwritten notes

And apples

And unloaded dishwashers.

Like candles

And dark cocoa powder

And sturdy spoons

And sunshine.

Like coupon cutting 

And warm cups of tea

And soft blankets.

Like shining stars in the black night sky

And flashes of insight

And hugs from friends.

God is good. Life is good.

If I just appreciate the little things. When I appreciate the little things.

Why Communication Matters in Relationships

I asked my parents to take the Love Languages test earlier this year. Yes, I'm a nerd like that. But we'd had some conflicts and I wanted to know how to love them better. I figured the results of this test might help.

The results of the test weren't too surprising, but they were informative. And as I've reflected more on what I learned, I've realized that a key source of contention in my family relationships can be how we show love. Quality time is high for my parents, but low for me. Where I want to do acts of service to tell them how much they mean to me, they want me to spend time with them. When I rebuff their attempts to give me quality time, I hurt their feelings. When they don't recognize my acts of service or receive my words of praise, I feel in the wrong. But the issue really isn't about me. The issue is about mismatched love languages.

So how am I working to rectify this situation? Communication. I'm asking my parents what is important to them. Time is limited and I can't do everything with them, so I need to talk to them to learn what quality time looks like to them. And when they tell me something matters (or doesn't), I have to take what they say at face value and not over analyze. Then I have to give time to them to do the things they tell me matter. Similarly, I have to use communication to tell them when I appreciate what they do for me, or that their words of affirmation really encouraged me. They're working to tell me how I can benefit them with an act of service, and I'm working to receive their quality time. It's a give and take process.

Relationships are messy and hard, especially because people are so different. But that's a beauty of love, that we get to work on ourselves as part of our commitments to care for others who are unlike us. We grow as a result.

I sure don't have the love languages thing figured out, but I'm trying. And I'm learning that communication is key.

I Can't Do This.

I work in the helping profession. You'd think I'd know how to love people. Nope! God has been impressing on me lately the fact that I don't really know how to love people, or at least love them well.

The problem, you see, is that I've been trying to love people out of my own power. I've been trying to love people because I'm a good person, because loving is what I'm supposed to do. And it's not working. In and of myself, I don't have enough love for the world. I don't have enough love for myself for crying out loud! And that's where the problem lies. 

I read a quote on Pinterest recently that said "Embracing God's love is the key to loving others." As much as I preach self care and self compassion and self love, I often lack it for myself. That's because I'm not resting in God's love and in who He says I am. I am out being busy, trying to do the right things, trying to earn God's favor, trying to justify Jesus saving me, even if I know that's impossible. I've got it all backwards.

I can't love on my own. I can't live on my own. I can only love and live because the Holy Spirit of Christ indwells me with the love of the Father. I have zero power. God has absolute power.

Perhaps I've been so tired lately because I've been trying to regenerate myself, to do in my own mind and heart and soul what only Christ can do. I've been focusing on doing love instead of being filled with Love. It's not working.

God, let me find myself in your love. You love me perfectly and completely. You gave your only Son for me! Fill the empty vessel of this life you created in me with your love. Let your love in me flow out to others for your honor and glory. I can't do this. You can.

Acts of Service for Mom

A co-worker made the comment the other day that her husband picks up a lot of slack for her. I don't have a husband, so my parents do that for me. My dad does a lot of stuff for me with my car. My mom takes care of things around the house. I try to help when I can, but I don't do it often enough.

Taking Mom on the home tour was my gift to her for Mother's Day, but I still wanted to do more. I honestly wanted to take the easy route and buy her something, but gifts are not her love language. She told me that her love language is acts of service, and I have been trying to remember that. She has tons of stuff to do just like I do, so while she was out on Saturday, I tried to do a little bit extra.

I made her a carrot cake.

I sliced the bread and made carrot sticks and Gatorade for Dad's lunches

I crafted her a card.

(I saw this idea on Pinterest. The inside says "...They hold everything together."

I did the dishes.

I wrapped her gifts.

I'm not sharing these things to make myself look good, but rather to issue a challenge to others to find little ways to appreciate moms and other special people. Mom does way more for me on a daily basis than I could every repay, but I hope these things helped her and made her special day a little bit easier and show her I love her.

Happy Mother's Day to my mom and all the other moms out there!

Friends, what are you most thankful about your mom? Have you taken the Five Love Languages test, and how do you give and receive love? Feel free to share in the comments section.