Why I Sometimes Choose to Do Hard Things

I have to do hard things, like things I am not good at. Sometimes they're just a flop. Sometimes I fail, like really fail.  Sometimes I surprise myself and actually succeed. But I have to do them. Why? In short, It's good for me.

I always need to be learning and growing and progressing. (If I don't, I'm stagnant.) Hard things require me to risk a little, to reach further. I'm not saying that I try to be a pro. I'm just trying to grow.

I need fun in my life. I need to play. I need to be silly, to be an amateur. Life is so serious. There are plenty of hard, hard things that I don't choose. Choosing a few hard things...for fun is a good reminder that hard things are not all bad.

I am also a terrible perfectionist. Try as I might to grow out of it, it always crops up its ugly head. Trying hard things, and failing, forces me to practice my coping skills. It forces me to accept the imperfections. Sometimes my trying really yields an okay result, but I am not satisfied. I have to learn to live with this reality. There is room for self-critique, and growth, but sometimes, I just need to accept things.

So when it comes to hard things, what kind of things am I talking about? Here's a short list of some hard things that I choose to do for my own good (or at least most of the time, for my own good):

• Training for and running races
• The monthly baking challenge from Sally's Baking Recipes
• Weekly Yogi See Yogi Do Crew poses
• Writing (e.g. this blog)

I am not really good at any of these things. In fact, all of them expose my imperfections. All of them grow me, too though (at least right now). I get some joy out of these hard things. When I nail them (or get close-remember, there isn't perfect), I am ecstatic. And hopefully, the world gets something out of watching me, and God gets the glory for that. After all, Christ chose to do the hardest thing, die on the cross for the sins of the world, out of love. That's a kind of love worth emulating, worth choosing, but SO hard!

Make Your Own Happiness.

I made my own birthday cake this year. I wasn't sure how or if we would get to celebrate my birthday, and I wanted to do something. I felt a little selfish cooking for just myself, but knew I'd be happier for it. I think sometimes life is like that. We want people to make happiness for us, but sometimes we need to make our own.

My birthday came at an odd time this year. It was in the middle of a pandemic. It was in the middle of a work week. It was in the middle of college finals week. We'd planned to go see my parents the weekend prior, but didn't know if we could. I could let my birthday pass and be grumpy and mourn, or I could take the initiative and make my own celebration. That's what I did. In the end, I actually got to see my family to celebrate, and my mom made me a big cake. My mini celebration made room for a larger celebration with others.

Sometimes we need to take ourselves out for coffee. Sometimes we need to plan our own dates. Sometimes we need to make our own cakes. Sometimes we need to initiate our own celebrations of life. Sometimes we need to make our own happiness.

Making our own happiness prepares us to celebrate with others. Making our own happiness gets our brains ready to receive joy. I'm not saying be selfish. Still care for others. Still serve and give selflessly, but don't wait for permission to take care of yourself and live. Putting in a little time for personal celebration may make room for more, or at least make you a more pleasant person to be around. (In full disclosure, I ended up freezing the cake I made and brought it out later to celebrate my husband.)

So here's to celebration. Here's to happiness. Here's to a little self-care, a little more self-love, and celebrating with those we love when we can. May the world be better for it.

Trusting God, Trusting Others, Trusting Myself

I struggle with trusting God. And I struggle with trusting others. I struggle to trust people when they say they're willing to do something for me. I struggle to trust others when they says I'm really not bothering him or being a burden. I think I struggle to take what other people say at basic face value. And I struggle to trust myself. I think it's all related.

I struggle to trust God and let Him have control. I struggle to trust and believe and act on the truth that God is good. So I don't always believe that people are good. I don't trust my own feelings, or my own body, or the Holy Spirit insight God has given me. So I push and wrestle and struggle and flail. And it's not great...at all, for my faith, or my relationships, or my health.

So I'm working on trusting God, trusting others, trusting myself. I know I won't ever arrive at complete trust, but I need to work on growing it. Because trust is bedrock for everything that's good in life, and solace in everything that's not. 

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Love

Things Love Does:

• Takes time off work.
• Gets up early.
• Travels long distances.
• Joins with others in preparations.
• Celebrates.
• Gives.

Ultimately, love for me condenses down to three categories: God, Others, and Self. I'd argue that all three are important. As I traveled to my cousin's wedding this weekend, I had a front row seat to see love in all three areas.

God:

• Blessed me with an easier work day Friday before I flew out.
• Provided the means (financial, energy, and otherwise) to go on this trip.
• Showed His love through the many selfless acts of love I saw: "Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us" (1 John 4:11-12).

Others:

• Sacrificed to travel with us. Originally, only my mom and I planned to go on this trip, but my dad and boyfriend decided to take time off work to accompany us. That was a sacrifice of their time and resources, as well as extra work since they had to find people to cover the tasks they left behind.

• Invited us to celebrate in their special occasions. My paternal cousin and his wife were celebrating their son's birthday this weekend, but let us join in since that was the only time we could see them. What a blessing! I haven't seen that part of the family for probably seventeen years. And their son was so adorable!
• Gave up comfort in order to provide comfort for us. We had amazing hosts who not only freed up spare rooms for us, but also talked to us, fed us, gave us directions, and even offered to iron our clothes. Wow! I was blown away by the gift of God's grace seen through them.
• Joined with us in preparations. We joined with an amazing group of people team up with my maternal aunt and uncle to prepare for their daughter's wedding. Some were family. Some were friends. Some were neighbors. My boyfriend did a ton even though he was just a guest. What gifts!
• Demonstrated Christlikeness in their relationships. My cousin and new husband had such a godly wedding ceremony. I admire them and was so blessed to celebrate in their special day! Congratulations, you two!
• Showed love in the little things. My uncle bought lunch for us. Dad got Mom coffee from Starbuck's multiple times. Mom and my boyfriend went walking with me in the airports, and in the community. Dad drove us through Chik-Fil-A when I asked for that for supper. My boyfriend checked me in for my return flight so I didn't have to get up so early. Mom took pictures (because she knows how much I like them and how much they mean to me). Wow. I am blessed!

• Loved me when I was less than lovable. Traveling and stress don't make me the nicest, most pleasant person, but the people around me were still kind and compassionate. I need to work on being more kind to them!

Myself: 

• Set limits. This one was hard for me. I am realizing more and more that I can only do so much. Loving others means I have to love myself enough to say, "No" and save my energy for what's really important. I had to do that a few times this weekend, and I didn't like it, but I needed to do it.
• Meant taking time away. Walking did that for me this weekend. I also spent a little time before bed each night by myself doing crosswords and eating my snack. I want to be able to go, go, go and be around people all the time, but the reality is that I am an introvert and need time alone to recharge. I can love others better when I take time out.

The US Constitution says men are endowed with certain inalienable rights, including life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I changed the last part to the pursuit of love for the purpose of this post, because I think we need love to experience happiness. I always thought love was a "given," but God has been showing me that love takes work. It's required opening myself up to greater vulnerability and even pain, but it's also brought more richness to life, more joy. Praise God for times like this weekend when I've seen both the beauty of love and the need to grow in it at the same time.

Life Lately

Where did the first month of 2019 go? January is gone. That's for sure. I didn't blog (or at least make blog posts) for a month. It was weird, but it was good for me. Here's a little recap on life in case you're interested.

The Why:

I blog I find writing cathartic. I also blog because I like to share, and I hope that others will find what God is teaching me helpful in their own lives. But in December, Facebook blacklisted my blog for violating “community standards.” I tried to figure out what was wrong and fix it, to no avail. Facebook then proceeded to delete every blog post I had on My Arizona Adventure page. I debated starting a new blog to change my URL, but I'm not sure it's worth it. Facebook might red flag that URL, too, for all I know.

I decided to pray about my blog for the month of January and resume posting then. (So here I am.) I want people to be able to read, but ultimately I've had to realize that Facebook is not the most important part of writing. I guess people will have to follow my blog or subscribe or just check in to see what I write. Maybe Facebook will get fixed. Maybe it won't. I guess in the end, I just hope people read. That's ultimately up to the Lord, though.

Priorities:

David Allen says, “You can do anything, but not everything.” I'm realizing this in a big way. I want to do a lot of things, but I really only have emotional energy for a very few of them. To be honest, work takes a big portion of my energy, and I try to save the little bit of life I have is left for people I love. It's a balancing act, and one I have not mastered. I've found that when I push myself physically, I get sick, too. I'm trying to avoid that. So most days I exercise, eat, work, sleep, and review social media (my “downtime”). That's about it. I'm not necessarily proud the time I spend on social media, but it's an out, and it's working for me right now, so it is what it is.

Lessons:

Emotional: I feel a little more stable than I have for awhile. (Thank you, Lord!) I've realized, though, that I might be one of those “highly sensitive people.” My emotions come in waves. These waves or emotion are overwhelming and intense. If I acknowledge the feelings, experience them, and speak about them with people I love, I can recover fairly quickly. If I stuff the emotions, or discount them, I'm in trouble. Thankfully, I have people in my life who know and understand me and love me through the storms.

Spiritual: Fear is a good teacher. I wrote a whole post about this that I'll share later, but as waves of fear have struck me over and over again, I've realized that I'm learning from fear. Fear shows me what's important to me. I can let fear steal my joy, or let it signal the significance of what's just happened. Fear also forces me to go to the Lord with my feelings, and to restate my trust and my belief in His sovereignty. I'm not in control. He is. Fear reminds me.

National Wear Red Day 2/1/19

Mental: I don't want to wish my life away, but I do need things to celebrate. I've been reviewing the National Day Calendar and trying to engage in celebrating at least one holiday a week. Most of the holidays are silly, but I enjoy them, and I look forward to them. It's the little things sometimes.

Physical: I did the Self New Year's Challenge. It wasn't bad. It wasn't great. It made me practice focus and self discipline. I also discovered the circuit timer. I'm hoping to switch most of my exercise to race training, but my knee has been hurting somewhat, and I know I'll need time to focus on longer runs and nutrition if I want to run more, so we'll see.

Love:

Paleo slow-cooked Italian pot roast on peasant bread with a side of honey glazed carrots and green beans 

I got to cook for family and friends a few more times this month. Cooking is a form of creativity and self-care for me. It's also a source of new sensory stimuli. Besides cooking, I went to a wedding and on a quick trip to Las Vegas (to see people, not attractions, because let's be clear, I don't gamble, smoke, drink, or generally subscribe to any of the other components of Las Vegas culture). That's about it. I need to focus on planning some longer trips (cue need for brain power), because my vacation time at work is amassing quickly, and I don't want to lose it. Love is holistic: God, others, and me. All three areas need work.

New Disciplines:

I tried to go on a partial spending fast for the month of January. I also tried to prune my closet by forcing myself to wear different clothes every single day (at least a new shirt every day). I mostly succeeded. Perhaps I'll write more about these two experiences later.

That's a wrap.

That's January for now.

• Any thoughts, questions, or comments?
• For those of you who read my blog, is there a good way (other than Facebook) to notify you when I post?
• What kind of posts do you enjoy reading? What should I write about more?

Please reply via comment, or via direct contact (since most of you regular readers have my info).

I Can't Do This.

I work in the helping profession. You'd think I'd know how to love people. Nope! God has been impressing on me lately the fact that I don't really know how to love people, or at least love them well.

The problem, you see, is that I've been trying to love people out of my own power. I've been trying to love people because I'm a good person, because loving is what I'm supposed to do. And it's not working. In and of myself, I don't have enough love for the world. I don't have enough love for myself for crying out loud! And that's where the problem lies. 

I read a quote on Pinterest recently that said "Embracing God's love is the key to loving others." As much as I preach self care and self compassion and self love, I often lack it for myself. That's because I'm not resting in God's love and in who He says I am. I am out being busy, trying to do the right things, trying to earn God's favor, trying to justify Jesus saving me, even if I know that's impossible. I've got it all backwards.

I can't love on my own. I can't live on my own. I can only love and live because the Holy Spirit of Christ indwells me with the love of the Father. I have zero power. God has absolute power.

Perhaps I've been so tired lately because I've been trying to regenerate myself, to do in my own mind and heart and soul what only Christ can do. I've been focusing on doing love instead of being filled with Love. It's not working.

God, let me find myself in your love. You love me perfectly and completely. You gave your only Son for me! Fill the empty vessel of this life you created in me with your love. Let your love in me flow out to others for your honor and glory. I can't do this. You can.

I'm SO Tired...

I'm SO tired. 

How do I know? Besides physical symptoms of yawning and general malaise, there are some other common markers for me:

• It takes more time to get out of bed in the morning.
• I cease reading my Bible on a regular basis.
• My runs are slower.
• I spend WAY too much time on social media.
• I look to food for comfort and emotionally eat.
• I don't go to bed on time, often due to the two aforementioned issues.
• I'm cranky and irritable.
• I lack creativity.

I can be angry with myself about these things, or I can give myself grace. I can recognize my signs of tiredness and start thanking my brain and body for them. Now's not the time for shame or blame or guilt. Now's the time for addressing the issue.

Self-Love and the Christian Faith

Some time ago, I wrote about self-care and selfishness. Since then, I've see a lot of Instagram posts and blog articles about self-love. there have been other articles about how people don't need to love themselves, but rather accept themselves and where they're at. In all this, I've started to wonder how self-love intersects with my Christian faith. I don't want to idolize myself, but I don't want to fail to care for the body God has given me either. I don't want to be a self-centered glutton, or an ascetic. What is the balance?

In a sermon on 1 John 4:7-8 this weekend, the pastor reminded us that love originates from God. Boom! All of this self-love stuff started to find its place in my heart. Love for self that comes from God and an appreciation of how fearfully and wonderfully He made me (Ps 139:14) is profitable. Love for self that comes from a desire to serve myself and ignore the needs of others is self-centered (Phil 2:3-4). Love for self that includes honoring rest and the needs of the body God gave me is beneficial because it places myself and God in the correct positions (Ps 46:10). Love for self that is for my own gain is sinful and unedifying to those around me (Ps 119:36). Failing to love either myself or others is failing to acknowledge the source of love in God.

Scripture does it again and sets my wrong heart aright. Now may the Holy Spirit help me practice love for self and others in the right fashion.

I'll Let My Body Decide.

This is the thought I had as I laid down for a nap a week ago. I had debated this event all day in my head and couldn't decide whether or not to go. So I went to bed and decided to see if my body woke me up in time. It did, but my decision to not attend the event anyway is besides the point of this post.

The point of this post is my realization that I fail to listen to my body too much of the time. I write a lot about intuition, but it is something that still needs a lot of work in my life. There are definitely some times that I just have to push through, but sometimes I just can't, and I need to learn to be okay with that. And sometimes I need to tune out the noise around me and tune into my body. 

For example, instead of listening to the media noises that I should choose "healthy" desserts, maybe I should "give in" to my body's craving for Dairy Queen and go get a blizzard. Maybe I should ignore the societal "expectation" that I should wear jeans every day and wear the more comfortable yoga pants I own. Or maybe I should resist the pressure to overeat sugar at the holiday party and go home and have a healthy dinner because that is what will make me feel healthiest. Maybe I should press pause on the project I "should" have gotten done today and just go to bed because my body and brain are tired. There are times and places for limits and accountability and boundaries, but God made my body smart. I need to listen to it more.

What about you? Are there areas where you need to tune out, and tune in? Please share below.