35.

Thirty-five and old enough to be president (not on my bucket list)! Oh my. Part one of my goal last year was to savor life a little more. I think I did. 

Over the past year, I enjoyed some really special times with friends and family. My husband and I got in our staycation. I got promoted at work. I fit in some fun cooking projects. We got a new home air conditioner and a new car, and renovated our kitchen. God blessed me with a really good season running. I tried to savor those races and really be present, soaking up the joys after the races via wearing my race year, looking, and relooking at photos, etc. I was able to keep crocheting, and even fit in some projects other than afghans. It has been a good year, really it has.

I have also been angry, though. Angry at life. Angry about life. Angry at people, unfortunately a lot at my husband, who has not done anything wrong, but too often bears the brunt of my frustration. My life is good AND I want a different life. I want a slower life. An easier life. I want this hard season to be over.

Anger says that things aren't right, and they aren't. We live in a sin-stained world. A lot of things did go wrong. My body doesn't like the stress I am under. Fair.

The second part of my goal last year was to let Jesus be enough. Given my struggles with anger, I am not sure I have. If He was enough, I should be able to accept my current life circumstances. I should be able to hold hard and hope at the same times. I do not think I am there yet.

So maybe my goal for next year needs to be acceptance. I hesitate to even name that goal, as I know I will be tried and tested. Life will probably try and test me anyway. So here's to that goal: Accepting that hard is part of life, and being alive in year 35!

When the Right Thing to Do is Let Go

We had a little miscommunication, not really a spat, just something that I thought one way about and he thought the other. I woke up scared. I woke up hurt. To be honest, I woke up angry, scheming about ways I could make him feel the same hurt I felt. Was it right? No, but that's the honest truth.

God had already convicted me that I needed to show grace. Intentioned or not, the way not win my husband back was not to mete out judgment, yet that was what I wanted to do. I read about not judging in my Bible reading, but still, I seethed. I had a long talk with God on my run that morning. I told him I didn't want to show grace, that I might now how, but not have the want. And he told me again and again, I just had to do it.

Somehow, by God's grace (and maybe because the long run sapped up a lot of my energy), I managed to keep my mouth shut. I briefly told my husband how I felt, and then tried to continue to keep my mouth shut. I wanted to bring up the issue so, so many times, but for what? To rub it is his face? To get resolution? I knew that was not going to happen. We just saw the situation different ways.

So I just kept going. I did my morning activities. I engaged in our weekly life conversation. I asked him to go on a date with me, just as I had planned to do before this whole thing. It felt like I was shoving something under the rug, but it felt like the right thing to do, so I did it.

Somewhere in the shopping and the lunching and the rest of the day, I realized that we were carrying on like normal. As the day neared its end, he asked to watch a movie with me, something I enjoy doing, but hadn't even considered. And as the day ended, I savored it. It had been a really lovely day.

As I went to bed, I heard the still small voice say, "Letting go let you have this day. Holding on would have done nothing."

Not all conflicts can be let go. Some situations require discussion and resolution. Sometimes, though, I just have to let go. I have to choose not to let a conflict ruin a day. I did, and it was a beautiful day, a glorious day. Praise God for that!

Real Life Marriage: Anger

(Photo by Roberta Pommert)

I have never considered myself an angry person, at least not a regularly angry person. Until this second year of marriage. And man, I have been angry. Not the yelling, throwing things, cursing kind of angry, but the quiet, brooding, cry-my-eyes-out, "I'm so frustrated, I can't stand it," kind of anger. I find myself wanting to express anger towards my husband more often than not, but each time, the Spirit convicts me that I am not really angry at him. No, I am angry about other things. 

I am angry about unmet expectations. I had expectations that marriage would give my husband and I more time to spend together. I had expectations we'd still go on dates and have fun. We do have fun, but many of our meals these days turn into business meetings. We spend the time we're not at work doing chores around the house. Planning date nights is work. I don't want it to be this way. 

I am angry at myself. I thought I would have energy to work and do all the things a "good" wife should. Work alone exhausts me.  I expected I would have more tolerance for little irritations. No. My tolerance is low. I want to fix bad days for my husband and make him feel better when he is sick. I can't. My inability to help makes me angry, too. No, I'm not angry at at my husband. I'm angry at life. And if I am angry at life, I am angry at God. Dangerous territory.

I got really angry the other night because I did all of my husband and I's chores and had time to make dinner. I was so proud of myself and hoped we could at least spend a little bit of time after dinner: talking or watching our favorite show or something. My husband had to work late, though, so I ate dinner alone. He had more work after he got home, so we only talked enough to get him dinner and back on his computer. I recognized that the situation wasn't his fault, but I still felt so upset. I was quiet. Then I brooded. Then I got sad. In the end, I realized that my anger was trying to tell me something. My anger was trying to tell me how much I cared.

The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. I am not indifferent towards my husband! I love him very much. I want to spend time with him. I want our marriage to be what God intends in to be, to reflect Christ and the church. And it's so stinking hard. That's why I get angry. Because it shouldn't be this way. And that feeling is accurate. We were designed for perfection, for perfect unity with God and with each other. Righteous anger shows me that that unity doesn't exist, at least not here and now on this earth. 

I get angry. I'll probably keep getting angry. But I hope the Holy Spirit will keep convicting me. I hope God will keep using marriage to hone me more and more into his image. Instead of getting angry at my husband, myself, or others, I hope I get angry at sin. I hope I get angry at my selfishness. I hope I get angry at my pride. I hope I pray for my heart, for my husband's heart, for our marriage. I hope I confess and repent and turn from sin more and more to Jesus. He got angry, too, but he had righteous anger. That's the kind of anger I want.

I'm SO Tired...

I'm SO tired. 

How do I know? Besides physical symptoms of yawning and general malaise, there are some other common markers for me:

• It takes more time to get out of bed in the morning.
• I cease reading my Bible on a regular basis.
• My runs are slower.
• I spend WAY too much time on social media.
• I look to food for comfort and emotionally eat.
• I don't go to bed on time, often due to the two aforementioned issues.
• I'm cranky and irritable.
• I lack creativity.

I can be angry with myself about these things, or I can give myself grace. I can recognize my signs of tiredness and start thanking my brain and body for them. Now's not the time for shame or blame or guilt. Now's the time for addressing the issue.

Things I'd Like to Lose To Live a Healthier Life

'Tis the season to diet. Okay, so we're past the New Year and into February, but I still hear diet talk everywhere:

• "I can't have that. I'm on X diet." 
• "X pounds lost. X to go." 
• "I've gotta lose weight before X event."

You know what I want to say? Food is just one part of life! Okay, yeah, some people want to lose weight and I don't want to shame them about that, but for me, there are a whole lot of things I'd like to lose other than weight:

1. Anger at myself and others for misdeeds done, because we could all use a little more love and grace.
2. Unforgiveness, because it does more harm to me than it does to my offenders.
3. Comparison, because I'll never be as good as them, and they'll never be like me. We're our own people, unique and beautiful in our own ways.
4. Shame. There's a fine line between guilt that motivates me to change my behavior and shame that backs me into a corner and prevents me from making connections. (See Brene Brown's book.) I don't want to live there.
5. Rules and expectations about what I should do, whether it comes to food, exercise, social interactions, or something else. Most of these areas are value-neutral, so I'd like to lose the rules and enjoy life instead of trying to fit my life into one little box.

Excuse me if I'm being presumptious, but if I could lose the weight of these five things, I think I'd be a whole lot healthier than I would be on any one diet.

What about you, friends? What would you like to lose to become a healthier version of you? (And please don't say pounds. That's clearly not the point of this post.) Please share in the comments section.

I'm linking up with Amanda at Running with Spoons for this Thinking Out Loud post.

*This post was inspired by "The Numbers That Count" by Rachael Hartley.