Real Life Marriage: My Identity is In Him

(Photo by Arris Affairs)

I really want to please my husband. I believe that part of my role as a wife is to serve and support my husband. But I have realized something else. My identity does not belong to my husband, that is, my husband is not the source of my identity. And when I act like he is, things get all mixed up.

When my sole identity depends on pleasing my husband, I always feel like a failure. I can never figure out exactly what he likes or dislikes, and therefore I can never precisely cater to all of his preferences. His preferences can also change from day to day (because he is human!), meaning there is no formula for success. There is only really a formula for failure.

Similarly, if I wrap my identity up in trying to like the things my husband likes, I become dissatisfied with my own life. I am very different than my husband. That's part of the reason he married me. (I think!) I can learn to enjoy activities because my husband takes delight in them, but if I try to force myself take on his identity and his precise preferences, I will find myself very unhappy.

My husband is good, very good at most everything he does. If I compare myself to him, and base my identity on how I measure up, I can become despondent, because in almost every area, my husband is more talented than I am. (He disagrees, but he is really, super smart.)

If I wrap my identity up in my husband, I try to do everything myself. I am very unwilling to ask for or accept help. That is a also recipe for failure (been there, done that)!

So where is my identity? 

In God. 
Through the Indwelling Holy Spirit.
With Christ. 

I can't please my husband. I'm not him, and he's not me. Therefore, he's not the source of my identity. My identity is in Christ, and in Him alone. This is where a healthy marriage starts.

Things I'd Like to Lose To Live a Healthier Life

'Tis the season to diet. Okay, so we're past the New Year and into February, but I still hear diet talk everywhere:

• "I can't have that. I'm on X diet." 
• "X pounds lost. X to go." 
• "I've gotta lose weight before X event."

You know what I want to say? Food is just one part of life! Okay, yeah, some people want to lose weight and I don't want to shame them about that, but for me, there are a whole lot of things I'd like to lose other than weight:

1. Anger at myself and others for misdeeds done, because we could all use a little more love and grace.
2. Unforgiveness, because it does more harm to me than it does to my offenders.
3. Comparison, because I'll never be as good as them, and they'll never be like me. We're our own people, unique and beautiful in our own ways.
4. Shame. There's a fine line between guilt that motivates me to change my behavior and shame that backs me into a corner and prevents me from making connections. (See Brene Brown's book.) I don't want to live there.
5. Rules and expectations about what I should do, whether it comes to food, exercise, social interactions, or something else. Most of these areas are value-neutral, so I'd like to lose the rules and enjoy life instead of trying to fit my life into one little box.

Excuse me if I'm being presumptious, but if I could lose the weight of these five things, I think I'd be a whole lot healthier than I would be on any one diet.

What about you, friends? What would you like to lose to become a healthier version of you? (And please don't say pounds. That's clearly not the point of this post.) Please share in the comments section.

I'm linking up with Amanda at Running with Spoons for this Thinking Out Loud post.

*This post was inspired by "The Numbers That Count" by Rachael Hartley.