Real Life Marriage: My Identity is In Him

(Photo by Arris Affairs)

I really want to please my husband. I believe that part of my role as a wife is to serve and support my husband. But I have realized something else. My identity does not belong to my husband, that is, my husband is not the source of my identity. And when I act like he is, things get all mixed up.

When my sole identity depends on pleasing my husband, I always feel like a failure. I can never figure out exactly what he likes or dislikes, and therefore I can never precisely cater to all of his preferences. His preferences can also change from day to day (because he is human!), meaning there is no formula for success. There is only really a formula for failure.

Similarly, if I wrap my identity up in trying to like the things my husband likes, I become dissatisfied with my own life. I am very different than my husband. That's part of the reason he married me. (I think!) I can learn to enjoy activities because my husband takes delight in them, but if I try to force myself take on his identity and his precise preferences, I will find myself very unhappy.

My husband is good, very good at most everything he does. If I compare myself to him, and base my identity on how I measure up, I can become despondent, because in almost every area, my husband is more talented than I am. (He disagrees, but he is really, super smart.)

If I wrap my identity up in my husband, I try to do everything myself. I am very unwilling to ask for or accept help. That is a also recipe for failure (been there, done that)!

So where is my identity? 

In God. 
Through the Indwelling Holy Spirit.
With Christ. 

I can't please my husband. I'm not him, and he's not me. Therefore, he's not the source of my identity. My identity is in Christ, and in Him alone. This is where a healthy marriage starts.