I Need Him.

I remember the moment clearly: standing at the edge of my kitchen, mop in hand, tears rolling down my face. Swish, swish, swish went the mop back and forth as I pondered. I had recently recovered from what seemed to me to be a life-threatening bout with the stomach flu. And as I stood there, alone in my house, mopping my floor, I realized something: I was alone, and I would always be alone. I lived away from my family. I had lost all prospects and hope of marriage. I had my housemates, but not for long, and certainly not forever. I was alone. Utterly alone. And one day, I might get sick again and have no one to call other than emergency medical services. And that really scared me.

Fast forward to now. I am not alone. God graciously gifted me with a husband whom I love and adore. I feel that I have come to need him, and though I longed to not feel alone, sometimes I hate my neediness. I always pictured myself as a strong, independent woman. As a wife, I want to be the, strong, stalwart woman who supports her man in everything and always gives all that she can. That just isn't me. I am weak. I am emotional. I hunger for connection. I need my husband.

I both preach and struggle with the idea of team in marriage. Don't get me wrong. I want to be part of the team. I just don't want to need the team, to have to depend on the team. But I do. I need my husband to help talk through theological issues with me. I need the logical balance he provides. I need his electrical knowledge to deal with house issues. I need him to unscrew hard-to-open jars. I need his affection and pursuit and care. I'm just not me without him.

Interdependence should be part of marriage. I know that. I just didn't expect it to hurt so much. I didn't expect how hard and humbling recognizing my own needs would be. But this is part of the sanctification process in marriage. This is what God has given me. My ultimate need is for Him, I must accept, and even embrace this journey of marriage, needy as it may expose me to be.

Narratives

Narratives. The stories we tell ourselves that may or may not be true, but that influence the way we think. For example, I struggle with feelings of worthiness. The narratives attached to my labeling of myself as "unworthy" are layered. Growing up, I believed that my parents wanted me to be different. That wasn't exactly true, but what stuck with me is that I wasn't good enough. My narrative of long-term singleness is another narrative that spoke into this lie. I felt not good enough to be chosen. Unworthy of love. My husband chose me and I chose him. I thought that would fix my narrative, but somehow it didn't. I feel unworthy in my marriage, like I can’t do enough, be enough, earn enough to deserve my husband’s undying love and favor. I question (internally and externally) if he settled. He tells me he didn't, but I struggle to fully believe him. Sometimes I consciously and subconsciously create scenarios that contribute to my narrative, putting people in positions where they are destined to fail. At it's core, I have shame issues. That narrative overshadows my actions many times, but the thing is, I can fight against the narrative. I can work to write a new narrative.

It takes effort to argue against a long ingrained narrative, but I can choose to do it. I can combat thoughts of unworthiness by remembering times when loved ones have told me I am worthy and cared for. I can practice vulnerability and share with loved ones when I am struggling and need them to help me right my thoughts. I can look for exceptions to my old narrative and write them in a journal for future reference. Perhaps most powerfully, I can go to the enduring Word of God, the Bible, reading and memorizing who God says I am: loved, beloved, delighted in, worth sending Jesus to die for; accepted. I can engage myself in His narrative.

Part of God's narrative for me is hard, though. I am a sinner. Unworthiness is part of that narrative. On my own, I am not good enough. I can never be, good enough. That's the way it's supposed to be, because I’m supposed to find my identity, my worth, my purpose, and my value in Jesus Christ. Only Jesus has enough good things to satisfy my debt of sin, justify me, and make me worthy. When I understand that narrative, I can start to correct my narrative of shame. I can allow God to have His way with me and even allow Him to write my narrative. I know that His narrative will be a true story, one I don't need to combat, but rather one that I can embrace and live out.

Identity Change

If I am honest, I have always held some criticism of women who only wanted to be wives and mothers. My own mother was a stay-at-home mom, but she was also a skilled nurse before answering the calling to motherhood. I went to college wanting a family, but set on the idea that I was not there to get an Mrs. degree, but a degree so that I could work and make a difference in the world. And get that degree I did, plus another one, all before I got married, and really before I had decided that I wouldn't get married.

Around age 30, I had pretty much settled on being a career woman, caring for myself and the families of others, instead of having a family of my own. Then my husband came along. After we started dating and got engaged, I still planned to be a career woman. I didn't see work changing that much. But slowly, subtly, it did, maybe not the actual work or my desire to do it, but my focus and my priorities. Suddenly, my husband became my first priority, with work and everything related to it paling in comparison. I felt it was my duty to be home to clean and do the laundry. I wanted to arrive home in time to decompress and make dinner and be present before he came home from work. I wanted to be less harried and more focused.

My job and my career haven't changed. I still work full-time, and am gone more than 40 hours a week due to my commute. But my perspective has changed. My perspective on my job is that I work to have an income, pay bills, and provide for what my job needs to provide for. My goal is to go to work, do a good job, and come home, hopefully with a little left to give. I haven't been great at this, but I am working on it. I still care about people. I still desire to help and serve others and their families, but my primary focus is helping and serving my husband. He is my one and only.

My shift in priorities requires more boundaries and less flexibility when it comes to work. It requires me to continue to surrender my vision of a career path and let my husband and God lead the way. It requires me to find my identity in Christ and in who I am coupled with my husband  (since Scripture says that married people are one flesh). God led me to my career. God led me to marriage. I'm not sure exactly where the two callings converge, but I do know they've resulted in, and are continuing to cause an identity change. May I walk in that change. May I watch. May I wait. May I be faithful as I continue to become who God is shaping me to be.

I AM

Do you ever think about the way you talk about yourself?

I am tired.

I am lonely.

I am scared.

--

I am confident.

I am able.

I am energized.

--

I am unable.

I am [my diagnosis].

I am what they say.

--

I am supported.

I am loved.

I am in community.

--

Which words give you energy? Which words sap your strength? Which words cause you to reach out to others? Which words lead you to self-pity? Worth thinking about....

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On the flip side, have you ever studied how God talks about Himself?

"I am the bread of life" (John 6:48)

"I am the light of the world" (John 8:12).

"I am the gate for the sheep" (John 10:7).

"I am the good shepherd" (John 10:11).

"I am the resurrection and the life" (John 11:25).

"I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me" (John 14:6).

"I am the vine; you are the branches" (John 15:5).

"I am the Living One; I was dead, and now look, I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hades" (Revelation 1:18).

"I am making everything new" (Revelation 21:5).

"I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End" (Revelation 22:13).

"I am coming soon" (Revelation 22:20)

--

Jesus also says things like, "I am thirsty" (John 19:28). Most of the time, though, when He said, "I am," He was talking about His enduring character, His enduring nature as God. He talked in present tense, about who He was, about what he could do. Could we learn from this? What we are is because of what the eternal I AM made us. What we can do, what I am is because of I AM.

--

If He is the bread, I am energized.

If He is the light, I am light.

If He is the gate, I am on a path.

If He is the Shepherd, I am directed.

If He is the resurrection, I am eternal.

If He is the truth, I am true.

If He is the vine, I am able in His strength.

If He is the life, I am living.

If He is Creator, I am creative.

If He is eternal, I have purpose.

If He is coming soon, I am living with hope.

--

I AM because of I AM!

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*This post was inspired by Ashley LeMieux's "I Am" podcast.

Real Life Marriage: This is Us.

Photo by Sharon Lane

Nothing really prepared me for marriage. Not seeing my friends get married. Not getting a front row seat to my parents' marriage. Not reading books. Not all my graduate studies. Not really anything. Without a doubt, marriage has been the steepest learning curve I've ever experienced.

I never expected the loss I'd feel. I never expected the identity struggles. I never expected the feelings of powerlessness and loss of control. I never expected things to be so hard, so growing, so shaping, and so revealing of my own struggles all at once. I never expected how unfair things would feel. I never expected to see how my sickness and selfishness and sin could so profoundly affect another person. I never expected the spiritual opposition. I just didn't know what I was getting into.

People say that the "honeymoon" wears off after the first months of marriage. At this year point, I think I can say this is true. There isn't any less love, but there is a whole lot more real life. Real life where we try to figure out what budgeting, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, chores, and look like for two. Real life where we have very different ideas and have to come to terms with compromise, or giving in/giving up. Real life where we realize we both assume a lot, and assume wrongly too much of the time. Real life where we recognize major communication barriers and don't know how to fix them other than to give it time.  Real life marriage where things are just messy. Real life where we need a lot of grace. Real life where two formerly very independent people are trying to from one identity. This is us.

Marriage is not easy, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Our marriage is a covenant, which means we have many more years to figure out what "us" really means. To God be the glory.

Real Life Marriage: My Identity is In Him

(Photo by Arris Affairs)

I really want to please my husband. I believe that part of my role as a wife is to serve and support my husband. But I have realized something else. My identity does not belong to my husband, that is, my husband is not the source of my identity. And when I act like he is, things get all mixed up.

When my sole identity depends on pleasing my husband, I always feel like a failure. I can never figure out exactly what he likes or dislikes, and therefore I can never precisely cater to all of his preferences. His preferences can also change from day to day (because he is human!), meaning there is no formula for success. There is only really a formula for failure.

Similarly, if I wrap my identity up in trying to like the things my husband likes, I become dissatisfied with my own life. I am very different than my husband. That's part of the reason he married me. (I think!) I can learn to enjoy activities because my husband takes delight in them, but if I try to force myself take on his identity and his precise preferences, I will find myself very unhappy.

My husband is good, very good at most everything he does. If I compare myself to him, and base my identity on how I measure up, I can become despondent, because in almost every area, my husband is more talented than I am. (He disagrees, but he is really, super smart.)

If I wrap my identity up in my husband, I try to do everything myself. I am very unwilling to ask for or accept help. That is a also recipe for failure (been there, done that)!

So where is my identity? 

In God. 
Through the Indwelling Holy Spirit.
With Christ. 

I can't please my husband. I'm not him, and he's not me. Therefore, he's not the source of my identity. My identity is in Christ, and in Him alone. This is where a healthy marriage starts.

"Good Enough" and the Golden Rule

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I always took this verse to mean that I needed to serve others more than myself. In my younger days, I would sometimes take it to an extreme of being a martyr or an ascetic. I sometimes thought I should be less feeling and more of a doormat for people.

As I've grown in my faith and in my work as a counselor, however, I've realized that the way I feel about myself affects how I treat others. When I feel less than, not good enough, or down, I am less likely to see the needs of others. I feel less love in my heart. I am more irritable and easily angered. I am susceptible to anxiety. I perceive the actions of others toward me as more negative. I tend to be unforgiving and bitter.

Conversely, when I know who I am in Christ, when I accept my identity as a beloved child of God for whom Christ died, I have more love in my heart for others. I forgive more easily. I am happier and more able to spread joy. I can serve better.

I'm not promoting self-aggrandizing pride or narcissism or egoism, but I am challenging myself to consider where I'm at when I don't like how I'm interacting with others. Often, I need to examine my heart to see what's internally wrong and resulting in externally wrong actions. I need to ask Christ to ground my heart and cleanse me of my sin. I need to ask for Holy Spirit power to forgive myself. I need to feel God's love so I can give it to others.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." 

For me, that means treating myself with the care that Christ does, so that I can then go out into the world and treat others as close to how Christ would treat them as I can. I'm a perfectionist, but certainly not perfect, after all. This is why the way I treat myself needs to be grounded in my God-given identity, not in how "good enough" I feel on any given day.

Shades of Gray

I'm so tired of the polarization of society. I'm so tired of hearing people labeled as saints or Satan. Seriously! Can't we see that life exists in shades of gray? People are not all good or all bad! We are all created in the image of God, and all of our hearts are deceitful (Jer 17:9).

If I channel my Brene Brown and reflect on her book Braving the Wilderness, I'd say that the root issue of this polarization of society is fear. It's easier to pigeonhole people and label them than it is to accept that people are fallible, that they might disagree with us, that we might disagree with them. It is easier to see people as stagnant than as capable of growth, because then we might have to grow. 

Truth always exists, and there is a place for confronting lies and telling things like they are. But seriously, can we not let some things go?  I'm not saying we all have to agree. I just wish we could all get along and have some grace and appreciation of one another and our differences. I wish we could be authentic and genuine with one another without fear of recoil or backlash or getting sued for goodness' sake!

As a former black-and-whiter, I still have strong beliefs and preferences, especially when it comes to my faith in Jesus for salvation. But I don't want a Bible-basher, a polarizer, a labeler, a pigeon-holer. Rather, I want to see people as the intricately wonderfully created people they are, people capable of good and evil, people capable of growth and change and redemption. 

I know who I am. I know Whose I am. I don't need to be afraid. Because of that, I'm making an effort to see people in shades of gray,and the world in shades of color, for much of the beauty of life lies there.