Balance

If you haven't noticed, I tend to be a kind of black-and-white, extreme, all or nothing type person. But I continue to realize that life exists in shades of gray. Maybe if I lived there a little more often, I would experience a more free, more joyful, and less stressful life. There's moral right and wrong, sure, but when it comes to other things, maybe there is more than one right way.

Maybe my bedtime can shift 15 minutes or so if that causes less stress.
Maybe it's okay if my yoga was 5 minutes instead of the 20 I desired.
Maybe I can eat breakfast in 20 minutes, even though 30 minutes feels a lot nicer.
Maybe the walk I need is however long feels good, instead of a certain number of miles or minutes.
Maybe my diet should not be low-carb, or no-carb, but some carbs.
Maybe I should use butter and margarine and canola oil and olive oil and coconut oil.
Maybe I can mix white and whole grains.
Maybe I can have caffeine sometimes, when it will serve my body well.
Maybe I need a little less pressure, not no pressure.
Maybe I can work really hard and relax really hard.
Maybe I can live "in the middle."

Life is a trip. Life is an adventure. Don't I always say that? There are definitely highs and lows in this life. The "sweet spot" is probably somewhere in between.

Sugar Free January? Absolutely Not!

Many of you know that I prefer to be a person of balance. I don't like diets or absolutes or restrictions. I prefer to be intuitive. But this January, after seeing the challenge on Pinch of Yum, I decided to go off sugar, like absolutely. I don't normally eat a lot of sugar to begin with, andnd I usually prefer to sweeten with honey or maple syrup if I can. But I'd noticed myself getting a lot more attracted to sweets, to the point that I realized I was looking to food for comfort, instead of to Jesus my Savior.

So I cut sugar out. I stopped taking chewable vitamins that contained sugar. I checked every condiment I used at home and if it had sugar, I left it off or out (think Worchestershire, sriracha, mustard, etc.) I tried to skip food I knew could have sugar when eating food at work (bread, salad dressing, etc.) I didn't eat homemade bread I made that had a little sugar for sweetener, and I certainly the cookies I made for my husband. I thought I was doing pretty good.

And then I heard on a podcast that table salt contains sugar. I panicked. What? I'd worked so hard to avoid sugar, but I hadn't avoided salt. I'd used it both in recipes and at the table. I went home and checked the label and sure enough, there is dextrose (aka sugar) in iodized table salt. Why? I googled it, and it turns out dextrose is a preservative. So I'd been eating sugar all along, albeit in small amounts.

I was tempted after gaining that knowledge to give up my sugar fast, but I'm stubborn, and I didn't. I wanted to cave again when it got to be January 31st and I made cookies for my husband. Why not indulge? It was the last day of January anyway. But I stuck to my guns. I wanted to binge eat (a negative side effect of fasting) everything sugar (chocolate, cake, cookies, etc.)on the first of February, but by God's grace, I just enjoyed some of this lemon chocolate chip cake.

So what did I learn from Sugar Free January?

-Sugar is in a lot of things.
-Living in a world of absolutes is really difficult, if not impossible. (I can only imagine what it is like for people who absolutely have to avoid certain foods due to allergies.)
-Sometimes when I want sugar, I am just hungry.
-I am capable of finding snacks that taste good or meet a need and don't contain sugar.
-Reintroducing sugar (so far) has really had no ill effects. I just feel best when I eat sugar after I have other food in my stomach (which I already know, but had reinforced by this challenge/experiment/fast).

My biggest takeaway:

Sugar isn't really as evil as some people make it out to be.

Sugar isn't the be all, end all. It's A comfort, not THE comfort. It can be an extreme, but it doesn't have to be. It's a preservative and a flavor enhancer, so it actually has uses. I won't die or even feel that bad if I eat it (or don't).

All in all, Sugar Free January was a good reminder to me to let God be God, people be people, and allow balance to fluctuate in its meaning. 

Maybe I'm stirring up a hornet's nest with saying I don't believe sugar is evil. But I don't. I believe sugar is a good gift from God that's meant to be enjoyed in moderation (1 Tim 4:4; Jam 1:17). May I partake of it as such.

Thirty-One (And a Whole Ton of Change)

If you would have told me on May 10th of last year that I'd be getting married in 13 months, I would have told you that I thought you were crazy. Well, here I am at 31, with only, Lord willing, 35 days left as a single person.

A lot can change in a year. Last year, I thought I would be single forever. I thought I would focus on my job and just enjoy life. In fact, those were my birthday goals:

So how did I do?

1) I am almost two years into my job. I am learning. I am figuring out who God made me to be as a therapist. I'm passionate about my work. I have some ideas of things I would like to learn, trainings I would like to attend, and certifications I would like to earn, but still really no idea of what the future holds as far as my counseling. God knows, though.

2) I'm working on stress management. I probably always will be. But God is helping me day by day, and I see growth in areas like my handling of the on-call phone at work and not jumping on the panic wagon when others do. I've hiked more, and done yoga for less minutes, but tried to be more diligent about prioritizing both. (For me, that looks like spending more time hiking outside, and engaging in shorter yoga sessions inside, but practicing once a week, if possible.) And some stress management, like crocheting, has pretty much gone to the wayside due to health issues and lack of time. It's okay. Life changes.

3) I'd say I've lived this year. I started being more social last year because I was desperate. And God used that desperation to make me face my fears of hanging out with and getting to know Chris more. God knows what he's doing. I've had to prioritize and re-organize life and relationships again now that we're engaged and planning a wedding, but it's good. God is good. And I'm working on enjoying and celebrating God's goodness everyday.

My top three memories were:

1) My Bahamas Cruise: It's been on my bucket list for awhile to go to the Bahamas, and having a friend reunion while doing so made it even better!

2) Butterfly Run: Having my best friend and Chris there (yes, he was there, but I didn't post pictures because we weren't officially dating at the time) made it super fun. And I got my best time yet!

3) Getting engaged: Kind of unexpected based on where I was last year this time, but kind of timely based on where Chris and I were in our relationship. I'm glad he asked when he did.

Goals for 31:

1) Learn to be a wife (because I've never been one before!)

2) Celebrate life. I've been working on this, but want to do it more, because God is always good, even in the hard. I have a feeling that part of this will be finding a better work/life balance. I like my job and feel called to it, but man, it's hard! To celebrate life, I somehow have to live out the hard at work and not let it cloud my everyday. I'm not there yet.

3) Find a new routine. (I'd say "normal," but philosophically, I don't believe that normal exists.) This kind of goes with number one, but finding and fulfilling a new role in life is different than finding a new structure. I've been on my own for most of my adult life and now it's time to merge my life and find out what life looks like for us. (And I want that routine to include celebration! See point number two.)

So here's to another year of life and whatever God has for me in it. To Him be the glory!

Shades of Gray

I'm so tired of the polarization of society. I'm so tired of hearing people labeled as saints or Satan. Seriously! Can't we see that life exists in shades of gray? People are not all good or all bad! We are all created in the image of God, and all of our hearts are deceitful (Jer 17:9).

If I channel my Brene Brown and reflect on her book Braving the Wilderness, I'd say that the root issue of this polarization of society is fear. It's easier to pigeonhole people and label them than it is to accept that people are fallible, that they might disagree with us, that we might disagree with them. It is easier to see people as stagnant than as capable of growth, because then we might have to grow. 

Truth always exists, and there is a place for confronting lies and telling things like they are. But seriously, can we not let some things go?  I'm not saying we all have to agree. I just wish we could all get along and have some grace and appreciation of one another and our differences. I wish we could be authentic and genuine with one another without fear of recoil or backlash or getting sued for goodness' sake!

As a former black-and-whiter, I still have strong beliefs and preferences, especially when it comes to my faith in Jesus for salvation. But I don't want a Bible-basher, a polarizer, a labeler, a pigeon-holer. Rather, I want to see people as the intricately wonderfully created people they are, people capable of good and evil, people capable of growth and change and redemption. 

I know who I am. I know Whose I am. I don't need to be afraid. Because of that, I'm making an effort to see people in shades of gray,and the world in shades of color, for much of the beauty of life lies there.

Healthy Looks Different on Everyone

I'm probably the healthiest I've been in years. 

That might seem like a contradictory statement given how sick I've been lately, my dystonia, and the "healthy" habits I no longer practice. I've gained weight, decreased my HIIT exercise, watched my cholesterol go up, struggled with sleep, and even given up some of my tidiness. All things I'd used to say were unhealthy. But my definition of healthy has changed. Right now for me, healthy for me means being in a good place mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. Yes, my health includes the physical part, but that's probably the least important at this point. As Rachael Hartley puts it so well, "If doing something makes you feel bad mentally, then it's not actually health, no matter how 'good' it is physically." And at this point, I want holistic health as much as anything.

So what does healthy look like for me these days? 

It looks like hiking and getting in steps instead of always trying to get more fit and toned. It looks like chilling out instead of vigorously cleaning the house. It looks like normal eating instead of meal planned or even intuitive eating, where sometimes I eat too much and sometimes I eat too little and it's okay. It looks like accepting whatever weight comes to me as I live my life. It looks like forming deeper connections with the people around me, even when it means disrupting my schedule. It looks like doing meaningful work, even if it taxes and tires me. It looks like letting God redefine my priorities. 

I've changed my definition of healthy.

So next time you go to judge healthy for yourself or someone else based on outward appearance and external facts and figures, I challenge you to look deeper. Are you mentally healthy? Are you happy? Are you doing things that matter to you? And if not, then are you really healthy?

Look at me, and you might not say I'm the healthiest I've been, but you may not know where I've come from. And God is still growing me. 

Healthy looks different on everyone. 

Saying No

Saying, "No," to things that disrupted my very structured way of life was never very hard for me. I liked the safety and control that saying, "No" gave me. I willingly turned down opportunities to get off the beaten path of life because the straight and narrow felt right (and I'm not talking morals here). But in this season of resettling, I've told myself that I need to start saying, "Yes" more. I need to start saying, "Yes," when people invite me to do things, even if it feels uncomfortable or the timing isn't "right." I need to start trying new things, things that I might not think I like. I need to be brave, take risks, sit with discomfort.

But in this season of saying, "Yes," I've realized that I still have to say, "No."  I have to say, "No" to extra work opportunities, even when they feel important. I have to say, "No," to service opportunities because they don't seem right for me.  I have to say, "No" to non-essential items on my to-do list, things that used to be important to me, like having a clean car, or trying to keep things "perfectly" organized. Sometimes I have to say, "No" to my preferred early bedtime or preparing and eating healthy food. I've certainly had to say, "No," to sitting at home on social media, which I enjoy, but really isn't that productive. Changing my, "No" to the unknown to a, "No" to the known feels unsafe and uncomfortable and scary. But it also feels right.

If life is about living, I need to to expect the unexpected, find joy in the journey, and give my scared yeses more and more often. It's kind of crazy that embracing life still means saying, "No," but hopefully those noes make room for the yeses that need to happen.

Self-Love and the Christian Faith

Some time ago, I wrote about self-care and selfishness. Since then, I've see a lot of Instagram posts and blog articles about self-love. there have been other articles about how people don't need to love themselves, but rather accept themselves and where they're at. In all this, I've started to wonder how self-love intersects with my Christian faith. I don't want to idolize myself, but I don't want to fail to care for the body God has given me either. I don't want to be a self-centered glutton, or an ascetic. What is the balance?

In a sermon on 1 John 4:7-8 this weekend, the pastor reminded us that love originates from God. Boom! All of this self-love stuff started to find its place in my heart. Love for self that comes from God and an appreciation of how fearfully and wonderfully He made me (Ps 139:14) is profitable. Love for self that comes from a desire to serve myself and ignore the needs of others is self-centered (Phil 2:3-4). Love for self that includes honoring rest and the needs of the body God gave me is beneficial because it places myself and God in the correct positions (Ps 46:10). Love for self that is for my own gain is sinful and unedifying to those around me (Ps 119:36). Failing to love either myself or others is failing to acknowledge the source of love in God.

Scripture does it again and sets my wrong heart aright. Now may the Holy Spirit help me practice love for self and others in the right fashion.

What's Helping Me Get Through

Work's a little busy. Life's a little crazy. How am I getting through? These five self-care practices help:

1) Slow breakfasts: Giving myself 45 minutes to sit and eat and scroll through my phone. Admittedly, I can get overly caught up in negative research on my phone, or fall into the comparison trap of social media, but overall, it's a good habit.

2) Sleep: I can't get enough of it, and weekend naps are key! I sometimes give up other social engagements or activities to get in my time. Sleep is just so important right now.

3) Podcasts: Filling my mind with positive thoughts helps fight the negative ones. External noise also helps quiet the internal noise. Right now, I'm a major fan of The Chasing Joy Podcast with Georgie Morley. It's positive content and helpful tips for living a life of overall wellness. Double win!

4) Eating more protein: Days are long and being hungry/having low blood sugar just isn't good. So even though I'd like to be vegetarian, I've started eating more meat. I've also started supplementing my diet with and protein powder and protein bars. Right now, I just need that little "extra."

5) Moving: I still haven't quite figured out the right rest and exercise balance, but moving feels good, especially when I sit at a desk or ride in a car all day. Sometimes movement is walking, sometimes slowly running (or trotting, as I prefer to call it), sometimes yoga, and sometimes weightlifting and/or HIIT. Movement just makes the day go better, and sometime being sore gives me something to focus on other than ruminating about the craziness of life

These are the current ways I'm practicing self-care, but what about you? What's getting you through right now?