The Cool Kid

I always wanted to be that kid: the social butterfly, the one invited to all the parties, the person everyone wanted to be around, the cool kid. To an extent, I have gotten to be "that kid" a few times now. I got to be that kid when I had my first job in Arizona post-grad school. My new coworkers invited me to the bar before our training activities, and I got to go to the social events after the training. I didn't drink, but I did partake in the activities. I said it was to get to know them, and I did, but not necessarily in ways I would have liked. Overall, I still felt out of place. I found that socializing around alcohol really was not my thing.

I have gotten to be "the cool kid" several time since then: I have been invited to multiple social events, spent time in crowds of people, etc. I continue to find that I am uncomfortable. I would rather be the fly on the wall (though hopefully not a pesky one) than the social butterfly. I would rather eat dinner at home in peace that while nibbling on hors d'oeuvres and hobnobbing with "the brass." I would rather talk to my husband or a close friend than flit from group to group. I am really more of an introvert than an extrovert.

The older I get, the less I want to be "the cool kid." The older I get, the more cool I become with being me: a homebody with a few close friends, most of whom don't live near me. I skip quite a few social events. I don't stay super long at the events I do attend. I spend most of my nights at home, doing housework, talking to my husband, and then bookending the day with a crossword, snack, and cup of cocoa. For the most part, I am cool with it.

This is my life. This is my jam. I am no longer a kid, but a grown adult, and maybe, just maybe, I am finally coming into myself. Maybe, with God's help, I can continue to be cool with that.

Balance

If you haven't noticed, I tend to be a kind of black-and-white, extreme, all or nothing type person. But I continue to realize that life exists in shades of gray. Maybe if I lived there a little more often, I would experience a more free, more joyful, and less stressful life. There's moral right and wrong, sure, but when it comes to other things, maybe there is more than one right way.

Maybe my bedtime can shift 15 minutes or so if that causes less stress.
Maybe it's okay if my yoga was 5 minutes instead of the 20 I desired.
Maybe I can eat breakfast in 20 minutes, even though 30 minutes feels a lot nicer.
Maybe the walk I need is however long feels good, instead of a certain number of miles or minutes.
Maybe my diet should not be low-carb, or no-carb, but some carbs.
Maybe I should use butter and margarine and canola oil and olive oil and coconut oil.
Maybe I can mix white and whole grains.
Maybe I can have caffeine sometimes, when it will serve my body well.
Maybe I need a little less pressure, not no pressure.
Maybe I can work really hard and relax really hard.
Maybe I can live "in the middle."

Life is a trip. Life is an adventure. Don't I always say that? There are definitely highs and lows in this life. The "sweet spot" is probably somewhere in between.

Becoming New: Marriage is a Remaking.

When I started feeling like God might want me to get married, I knew he had some rough edges to sand off. I knew I was stubborn and stupid and prideful and would need to change some of the ways I lived life. But man, marriage has been a lot more refining than mere sanding. It's like I'm on the pottery wheel, spinning at breakneck speed life, all the while being scraped and molded and formed into something something completely new.

Everything about marriage seems new. I'm forming new habits. I'm giving up old ones. I'm developing new allegiances. I'm dropping old ties. Things that used to matter don't matter so much, and things that used not to matter, matter. I'm tired and stressed and stretched and pressed. I don't always feel like I know myself, and the shape of what I'm turning into is unknown. Quite frankly, I often feel uncomfortable.

This is the process I committed to, however. This is what I promised to endure when I said, "For better or for worse...until death do us part." God knew what I needed. God knows the shape of what I will become.

Marriage is the making of a new family. It's two becoming one. It is also one becoming new, however. It's a reshaping of who I am, a re-becoming of the person God created me to be.

Refining? Yes. Remodeling? Yes. Marriage is all of these things. But ultimately marriage is a remaking, a remaking of everything about me. And that's okay. It's even good. Because the Potter on the wheel is in control, and His vision for my life is far beyond anything I could ever want or ask or imagine. To Him be the glory!

Too Much

I can be a bit of a firecracker sometimes. I'm an oldest child. I have a Type A personality. I'm stubborn and hard-headed. And I have a lot of strong preferences.

Sometimes I worry that my personality is too much. I think I should be more soft and demure. More docile or tame and less opinionated. But then I realize that I really can't be. I have a fiesty nature. That's just who I am, and to change that would be to change the person God made me to be.

There is certainly a time and place for being polite and respectful, for withholding. I never want to purposefully offend people with my personality. And I don't want to camp on my opinions and preferences to the point that I'm ridiculously inflexible. I don't want to be rude or prideful or selfish. But I don't want to be fake, either.

More and more, God is revealing to me who I am and what I am about. That allows me to be more assertive in expressing my preferences, more firm with my boundaries, and more sure with my "Yes" or "No." And in a lot of ways, that is freeing.

So if I've offended you in something I've done, please tell me and let's talk about it. Maybe I need to change, or learn to be more soft in my authenticity. But if my personality offends you because it's too much, maybe we need to have a surface level, respectfully tolerant relationship and let the rest go.

And on the flip side, if I invest in you, know I'm trying, by God's grace, to living an authentic life. I'm quirky and weird and full of it sometimes, but that's me. What you see is what you get, and if I share with you, it's honest, and intentionally real. I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. Too much? Maybe. But this is the too much God has given me. And He's in control.

I'm Tired of Living Scared.

I am the oldest child in my family. I have a type A personality. I am competitive. I like to plan. I like to be in control of my life. I always try to keep myself safe. I'm not knocking my personality, but I'm realizing that it has kept me from really living life.

I started the #bucketlistproject this year to try to force myself to get out of my comfort zone, to do things I've always wanted to do, but haven't. So far, I've gotten through all but about six of my thirty items. But I must confess that each time, I've wanted to back out. I haven't wanted to take the trip, stay up late, feel tired, take risks, or experience pain. I still feel anxious about the routines I have to sacrifice and change to accomplish the rest of my bucket list. But you know what? I'm tired of living scared.

I'm tired of being scared to miss a workout for fear that I'll lose endurance and mobility and not be able to do what I want to do in the future.

I'm tired of not eating new or "unhealthy" foods for fear of getting sick or feel unwell.

I'm tired of skipping out on fun events because I fear disrupting my sleep schedule.

I'm tired of not asking questions because I fear people's responses.

I'm tired of hiding my true self because I fear how others will receive me.

I'm tired of missing out on life.

The ironic thing about living scared is that it hasn't really made me any safer. I've still had injuries and illness and accidents and relationship struggles. I keep a "perfect" schedule and still struggle to sleep. And no matter what I've done, I've never really been in control.

In the Old Testament, God said to the leader Joshua, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" (Josh 1:9, New International Version). I'm not about to go off make rash decisions or take unneeded risks, but since God is with me, I think I've decided that I'd rather live than stay safe. I'm 30 and I only have so many years on this earth. I might as well live and see where life takes me instead of staying stuck in fear.

I'm tired of living scared. I'm ready to live free.

Easy Chocolate Baked Oatmeal

A few Saturdays ago, I found myself in need of a creative outlet. It had been an exhausting week and my brain just needed to make something new. (I read this week that the best self-care tasks for my personality type, ISFJ, are simple tasks that provide sensory input. Hello, cooking!) I wanted to recreate my favorite chocolate applesauce stove-top oatmeal in baked form, but couldn't quite find a recipe. So I adapted this one from The Conscientious Eater.

These oats were soft, fluffy, and popped right out of the greased pan. If you're looking for a make-ahead or on-the-go breakfast, this might be it!

Ingredients:

1 c. quick oats
2 T cocoa
1 T ground flax meal
1/4 t baking powder
1/8 t salt
1/2 c unsweetened applesauce
1/4 c milk of choice (I used Almond Breeze's almond coconut blend)

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Grease a small loaf pan. (I used coconut oil.)
3. Stir together dry ingredients, and then add wet.
4. Pour mixed ingredients into the loaf pan and smooth with the back of the spoon.
5. Bake for twenty minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the middle of the loaf comes out clean.