LESS Fear

Whew. It has been a long last few months. My injury accelerated the downward spiral, but let's be honest, the downward slide started long before that. Thankfully, here at the end of this month, it seems like things have started to turn a corner.

While I don't remember exactly how I got to my word for this month, I do know that I needed it. I have been living in so much fear: fear of pain, fear of re-injury, fear of my body changing during my healing, fear of never being able to run again, fear of never feeling happy, fear of the future, fear of the next shoe dropping, etc. It was not doing me any good. 

The Bible has a lot to say about fear. Specifically, it says not to fear men, or people, or things, but to fear God. During this month, I chose to meditate five minutes each day on one verse about fear. I am sure that I only scratched the surface of what the Bible has to teach about fear, but here are a few things I learned:

• I don't need to fear. If God is for me, who can be against me? (Isaiah 41:10; Romans 8:31)
• God is the only one I should fear, because he has power over life, sin, and death (Deuteronomy 10:12; Psalm 112:1, 7; Ecclesiastes 3:14; Isaiah 35:4; 1 Corinthians 15:55-56; Hebrews 2:14-15)
• My fear of God should bring Him praise (Proverbs 31:30).
• God redeems. Therefore I should not fear the past. While I may have consequences for sins and misdeeds, God is with me. He is my strength (Isaiah 55:4; Phil 4:13). 
• My fear of God should cause me to obey Him and walk in His ways (Deuteronomy 6:2, 13, 24; Deuteronomy 8:6, Deuteronomy 10:20; Deuteronomy 13:4; Lamentations 3:57)
• I am not a slave to fear or sin. I am a daughter of God! (Romans 8:15)
• Nothing separates me from God’s love. Separation from God would be something to fear! Why fear tomorrow when I know that because of saving faith in Jesus, I’ll be with Him forever? (Romans 8:38)

While it was probably not something I needed to do, I also made a "Fear Not!" board on Pinterest to collect quotes. I journaled one a day. Initially, I thought I would write creatively and make this a calligraphy project. More days than not, I ended up squeezing in my journaling at the end of the evening, copying what I saw in the Pinterest pin more than anything else. While not as helpful as the Bible verse meditation, this was a fun quest and did help my mindset.

After a very rough week and a tough day on Thursday, July 17th, with the approval of my PT and a commitment to face fear, I ran again for the first time. It was scary, but I didn't want to live in fear of what would happen. Thankfully, I ran with very little to no pain. Sure, I only ran 30 seconds for four intervals, but it was something! I still have a long ways to go in my recovery, but Lord willing, with God's help, I will keep going, looking forward to seeing what God will do, living more and more in fear of him alone.

At Least I Tried...

I hate failure. Really, I do. It really stinks! It feeds my personal feelings of failure and inadequacy. But you know what else feeds those same feelings? Failing to try. I never know the potential joys of success when I don't try.

So here's to continuing to try new things this year. Trying and failing, probably a lot. Congratulating myself for trying. Feelings the grief when I fail. Learning where I can, and moving on. Having a few unexpected successes along the way. 

In the end, I think I would rather say, "At least I tried..." than "I wish I would have." Trying is a practice in future focused hope. Wishing is a past-focused regret. I'd rather regret that I tried than regret that I never tried, at least that's what I'm trying to tell myself right now.

(The above whole wheat bread is a result of one of my tries so far this year. It actually rose despite being 100% whole wheat flour. Praise Jesus for Sally's Baking Addiction recipe testing that results in unexpected success for strugglers like me!)

What is My Life?

I faced fear a lot in 2020. First it was fear of dying from COVID. Then it was fear of spreading COVID to others. Then it was fear of quarantine of its consequences. I had fears of the judgments of others. I had FEAR. And it was becoming an idol. 

My family and I have not experienced COVID yet that we know of. We did face multiple exposures and one quarantine, however. One exposure came right before Thanksgiving for my husband. He wasn't concerned, but did act responsibly, immediately ceasing contact with the public and getting tested right away. He got a negative test result, but we weren't sure if that would hold. I agonized over what to do about plans to see family (e.g. my parents) for Thanksgiving. We had already decided to go small, but should we cancel all together. My parents insisted on coming to see us. My husband said we couldn't tell them what to do. I wasn't so sure, but as I walked that morning before they arrived, the verses below came to mind:

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes" (James 4:14, New International Version).

"Everything that does not come from faith is sin" (Romans 14:23b).

I had to ask myself what my life meant to me. I felt convicted that I needed to ask the Holy Spirit to show me if I was acting out of faith, or out of fear. I had to confess that it was the latter, and that I was focusing on the value of my life, wanting to escape unpleasant emotions rather than seeking God as God and honoring others above myself.

My husband has been following COVID mask requirements and praise the Lord, did not get COVID from his exposure. We were careful, but my parents still came for Thanksgiving and we enjoyed some sweet time together. We would have liked to see other family members and/or have a larger gathering, but we gave thanks for what God allowed and protected.

After Thanksgiving, my 90 year-old granddad declared that he wanted to see family and come visit for Christmas. This seemed risky given his age and the need to travel by plane. He acknowledged the risk, but declared it worth it. He dutifully wore his mask and followed all precautions, while we continued to mostly self-isolate apart from engaging in work and other essential activities. In the end, we were able to join together for a very special time of celebrating the coming of Christ to earth.

As of the date of publishing this article, my family and I are still healthy. We do not take this for granted or believe it is because we are more special. We are trying to seek God's wisdom and follow guidelines, while simultaneously living faith. Because what are our lives worth without faith?

I write this post not to suggest breaking COVID restrictions. I write not to criticize those who are more or less careful than my family and I have been. I write to suggest that we add to the current conversation about disease transmission the matter of perspective and the worth of life. My parents recognized the risk of seeing us at Thanksgiving, but valued family life above their fear of the virus. (From the news articles, it seems other families felt similarly.) My granddad acknowledged the risks of traveling to see us, but believed that this was the right decision and walked out on faith. Granddad considered the value of his life and the lives of others and acted accordingly. Am I doing similarly>

What is my life? My life is a creation of God's to be used by God's. That means I need to live in line with God's values. That means both submitting to governing authorities (Rom 13)and walking by faith (2 Cor 5:7). This is difficult to do in the midst of a pandemic, but it is what I am called to do. May God be glorified as we seek to continue to walk in the light of His life.

Marriage Misnomers: Love is Blind.

"Love is blind," the old saying goes. But is it? People warned me against blind love when I was dating, saying I wanted to see the person for who they were, faults, flaws and all before marriage. That way I'd know what I was getting into. The intoxicating effects of love could have a "rose-colored glasses" effect, people said, so "Wise up; see things clearly," they advised. I thought I did that. I saw my husband as he was. I accepted him. What I didn't see was me.

I brought plenty of my own baggage to marriage: my fears, my perfectionism, my white-knuckle grip on my routine. I expected these things to continue to plague me. What I didn't expect was how they would affect my relationship with my husband. My husband is more of a laid-back, easy-going, lighthearted person. Very little troubles him deeply. I, on the other hand, am troubled by much, and often. I knew my husband was different when we were dating. I appreciated it even. I didn't expect (or want) him to change. I didn't know, however, how hard it would be for me to have my own weaknesses exposed in marriage. I was blind to myself.

I was blind to how deeply entrenched my own negative beliefs about myself and the world were. I was blind to my selfishness and self-centeredness. I was blind to how my need to control could drive my husband and I apart. I was blind to my deep-seeded self love. I didn't realize how hard it would be to selflessly love another. I truly didn't see.

Over one year into marriage, I'm here to tell you that love is blind, but not in the way society suggests. Love and its accompanying cascade of feel good hormones, does make you blind, blind to yourself. Love makes you think your own flaws will go away. Love makes you think you can be selfless without it costing too much. Love builds you up and makes you think you have superhuman power to do anything and everything. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. True love, the kind of self-giving love that makes marriage work, is very, very hard. So hard that it requires superhuman power. 

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters" (1 John 3:16, New International Version [NIV]). That is not a blind love. That is an eyes-wide open, eyes fixed only Jesus kind of love. That is a self-sacrificing, self-abasing, deal with the log in your eye and not the speck in theirs kind of love. That is an all-seeing love, not a blind love, and the only kind of love that will last eternally. May God give us eyes to see.

A Little More Dangerous

We were talking about the re-opening of society after the COVID-19 outbreak, my supervisor and I. We discussed various safety precautions and the physical, spiritual, mental, and social implications of enforcing them. "Maybe life is just going to be a little more dangerous," He said. That comment struck me.

"Maybe life is just going to be a little more dangerous." Maybe we will be more worried that we will get sick after going out in public. Maybe there will be more risk to life. But hasn't there always been risk? Traffic accidents take lives every day. Natural disasters steal lives. Crime steals lives. Genetic disorders and cancer and old age steal lives. And yet we still go on living.

I am not saying we should disregard safety precautions. I'm not encouraging you to disregard orders from the governing authorities. I am saying that life has always been inherently finite, because it has a beginning and an end. Life has always been inherently dangerous, because all life ends in death. So maybe as we go back to living (outside our homes at least), what we we need is not greater fear, but rather greater appreciation. Maybe we need to value full shelves at the grocery stores. Maybe we need to value our commute time to and from the office. Maybe we need to value time with friends and family more. Maybe we should take a few risks. Maybe life is just going to be a little more dangerous.

I don't know what valuing life looks like for you, but I encourage you to explore it. Danger doesn't keep us from living. It might make us need to be more contemplative about the way we live, however. Maybe this pandemic is just what we need to motivate us to cultivate more thoughtful, more intentional lives.

September Deja Vu

September has been bringing up a lot of feelings for me. When I look back, I think that September was when I really started falling for him. If you know much of our story, you know that we had a little bit of an atypical dating relationship and really didn't officially date that long before we got engaged and married. But we were friends last September and definitely talking a lot. I am sure I liked him then, but I was afraid, very afraid. I was afraid of my feelings. I was afraid that I would misstep and lose the tenuous friendship that I had with him. I was afraid that whatever happened would be very hard.

September was hard. It was good, but hard. He came hiking with me on Labor Day. (No, I didn't admit that he was with me when I posted about my hike.) He came with me to a coworker's music event. I introduced him as a friend. 

I felt very caught about his' birthday. I valued him and wanted to celebrate him, but didn't know what I could do without crossing the "friend" line. He ended up inviting a bunch of friends, including me, over for dinner, and we ate and played games and had a great time. But I was utterly convinced that there was no way he had any feelings for me other than friendship, so when it was time to leave, it was time to leave, and I said goodbye and walked out to my car, figuring it would soon be time to say goodbye to even other friendship. (I strongly believed that guys and girls could not be friends long term if they had hopes of ever getting married. Because in my opinion, strong opposite sex friendships can harm a marriage relationship.) But then he walked out with me and said we should go hiking again. I told him of my plans to go hiking that Saturday. Guess what? He came. It was a fun hike, a good hike, but there again were those confusing, hard-to-deal with feelings.

Other things happened in September-more conversations, maybe other get-togethers. I don't totally remember. What I do remember very vividly are the feelings. Looking back to then and seeing where I am now, I feel pretty incredulous at where God has us today: definitely committed, very much in love, and married almost three months.

Why do I share all this? To say that facing hard feelings will end up with fairy tale results? No. Although God did bless us by working out our love story, that is not everyone's story. Many people feel for people and it doesn't work out. Many people have hard feelings and fears period, and sometimes those fears materialize. 

No. I share all this because I think it's important to recognize our feelings. It's important to face hard feelings, especially when they make us afraid. Because when we pull back, we miss opportunities to live and learn and love and grow.

September is a reminder for me of the past, of where I've been, and a marker for where I am now. September is a reminder that God can do a lot in a short amount of time. September is a reminder that fears can reveal to us what's important, and what's worth fighting for.

Do I have September deja vu? Yes. But it's a good thing.

Three.

Three years. I've made it three years, y'all. Three years of readjustment and learning and growing and more fully discovering who God made me to be. (Read my year two recap here.)

If you'd told me last year that I'd be celebrating July 4th and my Arizona anniversary as a married woman, I would have told you you were crazy. My husband and I had just started talking at this time last year, and I was so uncertain and...scared. And here we are a year later. And I've now got a lot go a lot more learning and growing to do as a wife.

Shortly before I moved to Arizona, my then boss quoted 2 Corinthians 5:7 to me, "For we live by faith, not by sight." I believed that truth then, as I said I was jumping off a cliff moving to Arizona with only my family and my church to fall back on: no real friends, no real community, no house. I moved back and in a year, the house I wanted to buy fell through. I changed jobs. Our church went through a season of struggle. And then last year, I got so desperate for community that I started facing my fears and reaching out. And God brought me my husband, who quite frankly wasn't who I was looking for, but a blessing nonetheless.

Over the past year, I've worked more than ever, hopefully grown in my profession, and learned more about living and stressing less. (But I have a long way to go. Ask my husband!)

God brought me back to Arizona for a reason, for many reasons, I believe, and I probably don't know all of them. But for now, I'll praise him for these that He's allowed me to see:

1) To help those struggling.
2) To reconnect and redeem some family relationships.
3) To help me face my fears and become more myself.
4) To grow.
5) To get married.

God is good. Life can be hard and life is full of change. But God is good.

How (Not) To Train for a Terrain Race

My husband signed up for another 5K right after we ran The Butterfly Run. I initially passed, one because I'm a fair weather runner, meaning I like running, and not obstacles; and two because I wasn't sure where our relationship was going and didn't want to sign up for something over six months away. (Read, I was afraid).

But when January came around and registration was "free," and he and I were getting more serious about our relationship, I signed up for the Terrain Race. (Registration isn't really free because you have to pay for "insurance" and make a required donation and a few other things. So it evens out to the $25-$35 cost of most other runs I've done.)

I trained for Pat's Run. I trained for the 10K. I kind of intended to train for this race (e.g. do more strength), but I didn't. And then I got sick. I walked Sunday, and Monday, didn't even work a full day Tuesday and only walked for work and went for a two miles snail's pace stroll Thursday and Friday. So I wasn't ready.

I made a list of things that needed to happen for me to run.

Thankfully, most of these did, and we went.

The race was in Flagstaff, Arizona at about 7,000 feet. We weren't really sure what to expect, so we overly prepared with sunscreen and throw away shoes and towels and new sets of clothes. But when we saw people coming out of the race (since heats were already running before we got there), we thought we wouldn't need all that. So we sunscreened, emptied a backpack of all but our phones, keys, and water, checked the bag, and got ready to run.

The race was supposed to be 5K, but we got an e-mail Friday saying they had to extend the course. I wondered if I'd make it, but prayed about it and said I'd try.

The first part of the course was uphill. And the first part of the course was long, with few obstacles other than carrying a sandbag around a small circle.

But then the course got a little rocky and hilly. There were some beautiful views, but 1) I didn't have my phone to take pictures, and 2) I really didn't get to enjoy them because I had to carefully watch my feet.

(Parking lot view)

Most of the obstacles came about 1/2 to 3/4 through the course. There was the log pulling, the tire pulling and dragging, the tire flipping, log jumps, and then the culvert crawl. That's what got me muddy! You had to wade into muddy water about waist deep and crawl through a plastic culvert about 1/4 full of water. I managed to crouch through it since I decided to wear my watch and didn't want to get it wet.

(Our friends had their phones and took this picture.)

There were then more log jumps and crawling under a rope net. (Thankfully people held it up over me and I didn't get too scraped up. This is also when I realized there was a reason people pinned their race bibs to their backs. I lost a safety pin on mine and had to repin it with another that tried to come off.) There were more log jumps, some six foot walls to climb over (thankfully there were steps to help boost oneself over), carrying a weighted bucket around a little moat with water in it, and at least three upper body strength exercises (monkey bars, a trapeze like thing, a rope climb, and a Tarzan rope swing). I touched all of these, but then passed by (one, because I have very little upper body strength, and two, because my grip strength is shot due to my focal dystonia and I don't want to do any further harm to my hand or arm).

The last part of the race was supposed to be a tenth of a mile. I'm sure it wasn't. There weren't any obstacles there, but then we came to this:

It was probably a 16 foot plus canvas net to crawl over. (The finish line was on the other side.) It was a bit shaky, but I actually liked this kind of obstacle. I might have been afraid, but there was a terrified kid at the top, so I gave him a hand so he could get down to his mom, and after that, I wasn't afraid. The finish line was right on the other side. (My stopwatch said my time was 1:05. People running with me said they clocked the course at 5.3 miles. No 5K for us!)

We I got separated, so I guzzled some water while I waited for him. Then we went and tried to wash the mud off our hands and got our bag. We ran into some friends and took some photos and chatted with them. And then we headed home.

The drive back on I-17 is really gorgeous. I haven't been to Flagstaff in awhile and really enjoyed the scenery. (He drove so I could take pictures.)

We got back at 2 pm and I sat down and had some food and a lot of water (one 16 oz glass and another 16 oz bottle with a Nuun electrolyte tablet). 

I thought I had plenty of energy, but then I kind of crashed. So I showered and laid down for a power nap. 

(I really had to scrub to get all the mud off so I could be clean to take a nap.)

Moral to the story: I didn't really train for this race. I didn't fully do it since I couldn't complete some obstacles. But I'm thankful, and grateful, and honestly praying I stay well after all the energy I exerted.

To God be the glory!

Trusting Jesus More

"Trust and obey, for there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey."

~John H. Sammis, "Trust and Obey"

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

~Proverbs 3:5-6, New International Version

"'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His Word. Just to rest upon His promise, just to know, 'Thus saith the Lord!'"

~William J. Kirkpatrick, "'Tis So Sweet To Trust in Jesus"

My closest friends and family know that I've had a saying, "There's always a reason to trust Jesus" for quite some time. And man is that ever true! I think I'm dealing with fear and coping well with life, and then around the corner comes another area where I need to trust Jesus. And I don't like it.

Work stress, and life busyness, and engagement, and wedding planning all at once have recently brought to light many areas where I need to trust. I wonder, "When will the struggle to trust be over?" But then I remember that life is a gift, that struggles are gifts, for struggles cause us to fall upon the grace of Jesus.

"Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him! How I've proved Him o'er and o'er. Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!

Oh, for grace to trust Him more!"

~William J. Kirkpatrick, "'Tis So Sweet To Trust in Jesus"

May Jesus be glorified as I, a fallen human, learn to trust Him more.

When Times are Good...

Life is a swirl of excitement right now. There's a new niece, and wedding planning, and friend visits, and spring, beautiful spring! I want to celebrate it all and live out this season of celebration, but honestly, there's still fear. 

Fear of not having enough time to invest with all the people I love
Fear of missing out on one thing or another
Fear of the other shoe dropping and this facade of happiness crumbling
Fear of sickness
Fear of conflict
Fear of fear

And all the fear eats at my joy.

"When times are good, be happy," King Solomon wrote (Ecc 7:14a, New International Version). That's the sentiment that keeps coming back to me. So I'm trying. Trying to live in the moment. Trying to wring every drop of joy out of this season. These times are a blessing, for God has blessed me.

With family I love
With a fiance I love
With a beautiful new niece who's growing by the day
With warmer weather
And sunshine-y days
And hiking
And living 
And planning
And breathing
And being

WITH BEING A BELOVED CHILD OF GOD!

Hard times will come. That's what the latter part of the verse says. But God has made the happy times as well as the hard. I want and need to celebrate both.

Flip The Script

Prepare for the worst

Hope for the best

Won't you steady my heart

For whatever comes next?

~King and Country, "Need You More"

I generally consider myself an optimist, a person who looks at the bright side of things, a person who sees the glass as half full, who always holds hope. I've been convicted lately, however, that I might not be as optimistic as I think. When times are good, I'm wondering when they'll be bad. When relationships are healthy, I'm afraid to give thanks, for fear that this will lead to a prideful fall and rupture. When I have ample financial resources, I act as a miser, for fear that one day the money won't be there. When I have time off work, I let myself get overwhelmed with home details, or fear of going back to work. When days are sunny, I wonder when the rain will come. I find that I have a tendency to label life as hard, instead of seeing it as good. In so doing, I miss the joy of the moment, and I can end up sabotaging myself.

Now that I've realized what I'm doing, I'm trying, by the Holy Spirit's power, to view life as more of a privilege than a struggle. I'm trying to be present in the now instead of looking so muhc into the future. I'm trying to give thanks instead of worrying. Life is good. God has blessed me. Sure, there are hard parts of living, but that's not the substance of life. There is so much worth celebrating. So many good things worth recognizing and further pouring into.

Let's flip the script, shall we? Instead of looking for dysfunction, let's look for function. Instead of living with foreboding joy* about the future, let's celebrate the now. Let's rejoice and give thanks, for when we have God, we always have good.

*Credit for this term goes to Brene Brown and her books.

Fear...Is it a Good Thing?

Fear can be limiting, and that's how its affected my life. It's been paralyzing, preventing me from really living, from really enjoying life. It's kept me scared, quiet, withdrawn, and afraid. It's backed me into corners where I've been disconnected from friends, family, and even my truest self. 

I've written a lot about fear this past year because I've felt it a lot. Fear is a plague, or at least that's how I've labeled it in my life. But I started thinking recently that maybe I've been viewing fear wrongly. Maybe fear isn't such a bad thing.

As I've started to face my fears, I've realized that most of my fears mask anxiety. Most of the time when I feel fear it's because I'm about to do something really brave. I'm about to tell others what I think or feel, take a stand, or otherwise venture outside my comfort zone. I'm about do something I know I need to do, but don't know the results of. I am vulnerable, exposed. And it feels scary.

The unknown is frightening and there does need to be some preparation and planning for it. I do need to count costs of the risks I am going to take. But the unknown is also exciting, full of possibility; open-ended, reason for hope.

So maybe fear is a good thing, because it helps me count what it costs to really live. It helps me consider if the risk I'm going to take is really worth it. If the thought or feeling or stand is important enough to risk criticism or hurt or rejection. If the possibility of a glorious ending is worth the risk of a terrible disaster.

I don't think I'll ever see the end of fear in my life, but I think I need to keep embracing it. I need to keep facing it, and walking forward. And maybe more than even accepting it, I need to start getting excited about it. Because fear and facing it has led to lots of good things in my life, and I believe it can lead to more. Sure, there will be hurt and heartbreak along the way. But if that's the cost of the good, of really living and enjoying life, isn't it worth it?

What Cutting My Hair Taught Me About Belonging to Myself

I liked my long hair, but I also felt ready for a change and chopping off my hair seemed like a change I should make. For months, I pinned images of my preferred styles and asked the opinions of others. I decided to make the cut for my 30th birthday, but then I chickened out. I couldn't find a salon that had openings. I feared I would look like a boy. I worried what people would think.I knew my dad liked my long hair. I worried I would dislike myself if I cut my hair. I was distinctly afraid. So I didn't cut my hair.

I did a lot of thinking and soul-searching when I was on my cruise this summer. (I was also reading Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown during this time.) I remember the moment when I looked into the mirror and thought, "You know what? This is my wilderness. I need to belong to myself and care less about what other people think and more about my acceptance of myself." I decided then and there that I would cut my hair when I got home, if I could find a salon that would do it.

A few weeks and phone calls later, I chopped 10 inches off my hair. The experience was terrifying, and liberating. I didn't realize my worst fears. I actually liked my new hair cut. My dad approved. Many other people complimented me. Though the compliments bolstered my self esteem, people noticing me so much actually made me feel uncomfortable. But I survived. And I learned something about belonging to myself as a result.

Three haircuts later, I chopped my hair again yesterday. I like my hair short, but I wanted a different style. I asked my boyfriend if he cared what I did to my hair (because I felt it was respectful to do so), and when he said he didn't, I went for the new cut. I figured I could always grow my hair out if I didn't like it. That thought was a huge realization for me, and a symptom of growth. I realized that I am not my hair, and that my hair cut doesn't change who I am. I was belonging to myself!

I have a really good hairstylist and I like my new hair cut. I'm grateful The fact that my fears were minimal and that I could go into this knowing I wouldn't change, though, was an even greater blessing. Who would have known that cutting my hair would teach me so much! Praise the Lord.

Shades of Gray

I'm so tired of the polarization of society. I'm so tired of hearing people labeled as saints or Satan. Seriously! Can't we see that life exists in shades of gray? People are not all good or all bad! We are all created in the image of God, and all of our hearts are deceitful (Jer 17:9).

If I channel my Brene Brown and reflect on her book Braving the Wilderness, I'd say that the root issue of this polarization of society is fear. It's easier to pigeonhole people and label them than it is to accept that people are fallible, that they might disagree with us, that we might disagree with them. It is easier to see people as stagnant than as capable of growth, because then we might have to grow. 

Truth always exists, and there is a place for confronting lies and telling things like they are. But seriously, can we not let some things go?  I'm not saying we all have to agree. I just wish we could all get along and have some grace and appreciation of one another and our differences. I wish we could be authentic and genuine with one another without fear of recoil or backlash or getting sued for goodness' sake!

As a former black-and-whiter, I still have strong beliefs and preferences, especially when it comes to my faith in Jesus for salvation. But I don't want a Bible-basher, a polarizer, a labeler, a pigeon-holer. Rather, I want to see people as the intricately wonderfully created people they are, people capable of good and evil, people capable of growth and change and redemption. 

I know who I am. I know Whose I am. I don't need to be afraid. Because of that, I'm making an effort to see people in shades of gray,and the world in shades of color, for much of the beauty of life lies there.

Ugly.

I generally try to present my best self on social media. I prefer pictures where my hair looks at least half done, makeup covers my blemishes, and I'm smiling. But that's not real life, friends. Some days, plenty of days, I barely comb my hair, have a face covered in acne, and am still wearing PJs or workout clothes by midday. I wouldn't say those things make me ugly, though. What makes me ugly is my heart.

People often think I'm a "nice girl" or a "goody two shoe" because I'm a rule follower. But guess what? My heart can be evil and wicked. I envy. I wish harm to people. I gripe. I moan. I discourage. I don't pray. I grasp for control. I worry. I curse. People don't always know all this, because these things generally happen inside me, but these sins are ugly. And often I act ugly. I have a short temper. I get easily irritated. I speak unkindly. I'm pessimistic. I'm not  or good company.

Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (New International Version) That is certainly true of my heart without Jesus. It is only because of Jesus and the redeeming work of the Holy Spirit that there is anything good in me. It is only because of being in Christ that I am metamorphosing into a new creation (2 Cor 5:17). 

I do want to be beautiful. Let's be honest, I want to be beautiful on the outside, but I recognize that is only superficial. What the Spirit within me desires is that I cultivate inner beauty, because that is what lasts. And so in a spiritual sense, I also want to be beautiful, to have a "gentle and quiet spirit" instead of worry and envy and discontent, to be brave and "not give way to fear" (1 Pet 3:4, 6). Because as I do these things, the ugliness of my heart fades, allowing the beauty of the Spirit to shine. And that is true beauty, a kind of beauty that lasts!

Saying No

Saying, "No," to things that disrupted my very structured way of life was never very hard for me. I liked the safety and control that saying, "No" gave me. I willingly turned down opportunities to get off the beaten path of life because the straight and narrow felt right (and I'm not talking morals here). But in this season of resettling, I've told myself that I need to start saying, "Yes" more. I need to start saying, "Yes," when people invite me to do things, even if it feels uncomfortable or the timing isn't "right." I need to start trying new things, things that I might not think I like. I need to be brave, take risks, sit with discomfort.

But in this season of saying, "Yes," I've realized that I still have to say, "No."  I have to say, "No" to extra work opportunities, even when they feel important. I have to say, "No," to service opportunities because they don't seem right for me.  I have to say, "No" to non-essential items on my to-do list, things that used to be important to me, like having a clean car, or trying to keep things "perfectly" organized. Sometimes I have to say, "No" to my preferred early bedtime or preparing and eating healthy food. I've certainly had to say, "No," to sitting at home on social media, which I enjoy, but really isn't that productive. Changing my, "No" to the unknown to a, "No" to the known feels unsafe and uncomfortable and scary. But it also feels right.

If life is about living, I need to to expect the unexpected, find joy in the journey, and give my scared yeses more and more often. It's kind of crazy that embracing life still means saying, "No," but hopefully those noes make room for the yeses that need to happen.

Wise Words

I have a tendency to freak out about things. I over think. I over react. I get all in a tizzy when I don't need to. During one such episode earlier this year, my dear best friend texted me these wise words:

"There are no promises. There is no guarantee. Everything is terrifying, and there is only Jesus."

She couldn't have said anything more apt. There truly are no promises in this world. There are only the truths of the living Bible. There are no guarantees, only the reality that God is holy and that His definition of good will eventually win out. This world and its troubles are frightening. I truly don't know what will happen today, or tomorrow, or in the future. I only know that the end of my story is eternity in heaven won by Jesus' sacrificial death on the cross for my sins.

As I've faced fear after fear lately, and walked with my family and friends as they've faced their own fears, I've continually repeated my friend's words, "Everything is terrifying, and there is only Jesus." I don't enjoy facing fear, but realizing that fear is part of life and that my Savior is my only certainty is life-giving. The way I live my life is a choice, and I choose Jesus.

Walking Forward

I've written a lot about fear this summer. It's an emotion that keeps facing me in big and overwhelming ways. And sometimes, I just want to let it bowl me over. I want to give up, give in; sit in a puddle and cry. And yet each time I get to that place, crying, sobbing, falling on my proverbial (and sometimes literal) face before the Lord, He says to me, "Walk forward."

My life is very confusing right now. I'm enjoying my job but otherwise feel like the rest of my life is unsettled. I was convinced for a while that I was in a season of waiting, but right now, that feels like a lot of pain and struggle and sorrow, instead of eagerly anticipating what God has next for me.

But God says," Walk forward."

"Walk into what?" I ask.

"Walk forward."

"But I'm scared." I say.

"Walk forward."

"But what if?" I query.

"Walk forward."

"This could end in more sorrow." I plead.

"Walk forward." God repeats.

God's message is clear, so I guess I'm walking forward. Into what, I don't know. But I know that the direction and that it is towards Jesus. That is enough.

Fight Songs for Facing Fear

Some time ago, I posted some of the songs for motivation. I'm still listening to those songs, but I have a few new favorites, so I thought I'd share:

"All In" by Matthew West

"The Breakup Song" by Francesca Batistelli

"Fear, He is a Liar" by Zach Williams

"Fearless" by Jasmine Murray

"Ready to Be Myself" by David Dunn

Yes, most of these songs have to do with fear. It's a real thing and something I'm battling on a daily basis. It must be a common enemy of others, too, if there are so many songs coming out about it. So, in retrospect, I should probably call this list my "fear fight song" list.

I'm Tired of Living Scared.

I am the oldest child in my family. I have a type A personality. I am competitive. I like to plan. I like to be in control of my life. I always try to keep myself safe. I'm not knocking my personality, but I'm realizing that it has kept me from really living life.

I started the #bucketlistproject this year to try to force myself to get out of my comfort zone, to do things I've always wanted to do, but haven't. So far, I've gotten through all but about six of my thirty items. But I must confess that each time, I've wanted to back out. I haven't wanted to take the trip, stay up late, feel tired, take risks, or experience pain. I still feel anxious about the routines I have to sacrifice and change to accomplish the rest of my bucket list. But you know what? I'm tired of living scared.

I'm tired of being scared to miss a workout for fear that I'll lose endurance and mobility and not be able to do what I want to do in the future.

I'm tired of not eating new or "unhealthy" foods for fear of getting sick or feel unwell.

I'm tired of skipping out on fun events because I fear disrupting my sleep schedule.

I'm tired of not asking questions because I fear people's responses.

I'm tired of hiding my true self because I fear how others will receive me.

I'm tired of missing out on life.

The ironic thing about living scared is that it hasn't really made me any safer. I've still had injuries and illness and accidents and relationship struggles. I keep a "perfect" schedule and still struggle to sleep. And no matter what I've done, I've never really been in control.

In the Old Testament, God said to the leader Joshua, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go" (Josh 1:9, New International Version). I'm not about to go off make rash decisions or take unneeded risks, but since God is with me, I think I've decided that I'd rather live than stay safe. I'm 30 and I only have so many years on this earth. I might as well live and see where life takes me instead of staying stuck in fear.

I'm tired of living scared. I'm ready to live free.