Real Life Marriage: Just Wait...

Life continues to be hard. Maybe life is just one long, hard season. Irregardless, by God's grace, I think we are finally making progress. Progress, not perfection, but progress nonetheless.

I never thought we would get to a point where we could miscommunicate, and actually fix it. I never thought I could actually tolerate the miscommunication and not melt down, to start with. And to then be able to talk through it and maybe not agree, but be able to remain in communication, in relationship? What a gift!

I often struggle to share my heart because I perceive judgment (from my husband and well, from a lot of people). He's starting to get that, and just listens, without feedback. I would like him to engage in conversation with me, but I am also not sure I am always strong enough to withstand his differing opinions. Maybe we will get there.

I recently started to realize and really feel that my husband supports the work that I do in my job. He says he always has. I guess I just started to notice it.

I never thought these things would come. I dared not even to hope. I had just accepted that we had some big differences and needed to love one another nonetheless. It is a gift from God that we are here. If I could have only told myself, "Just wait." 

Just wait to see what God will do. Wait and be faithful. It may turn out for good. It may be the same, but just wait. God's work awaits! 

Watching and Waiting with Expectancy

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord" (New International Version, 2011, Ps 27:14).

I heard a great podcast the other day about hope. Jess Connolly (2022), the host, talked about expecting, versus expectancy. It got me thinking about waiting, and how we can wait for what we want to happen, or wait for God. There's a big difference.

When we foster expectations, we watch for certain things to happen. We're tunnel vision. We celebrate when that thing happens, or we get impatient because it isn't happening, or grief-stricken when it doesn't. We get stuck on specifics, and can often miss the forest for the trees. Expectations aren't all bad. Having specific goals helps us take action steps to get there. It's not all bad to want, watch, and wait for certain things. When those things become our everything, though, we can get greatly disappointed.

Waiting with expectancy, however, means looking for God to work. It means watching for how he might work, versus looking for something specific. It means looking up, rather than horizontally at our circumstances. It allows us to catch things that we might not otherwise see. It increases our faith, rather than our fear.

By way of personal anecdote, I remember how badly I wanted to me married post graduate school. I had watched and I had waited, and I had finally given up. I remember so badly wanting community and asking friends to pray for it. Not knowing what community would look like, and waiting on God to work, I started watching for community opportunities. I did worship team at church. I joined friends for lunch. I went to the (post)-college group. I loosened my grip on some of the tightly held beliefs I had about friendships, how to make them, and how to have them. When things started working out with my husband, it wasn't because I had waited in expectation for him. It was because God, in his mercy, had allowed me to see him moving me back in the direction of marriage, even as I no longer waited for it.

Watching and waiting with expectancy versus expectation are hard. It's difficult to let go of the specifics and look for God. It's hard to let go of what we want and accept whatever work God wants to do. Maybe God will mercifully grant our wishes. Maybe he won't. If we believe God's ways are best, though, we have to trust. We have to expect him to show up, and name it when he does. Because ultimately, we're waiting for him to return. We can have that as an expectation because the Bible says it. Other that that, we just have to wait, wait on the Lord, and let him renew our strength (Isa 40:31).

References:

Connolly, J. (2022, May 22). Hope will not put you to shame. (No. 148) [Audio podcast episode]. In Go and Tell Gals. https://www.goandtellgals.com/podcast-episodes/2022/05/26/episode-148

New International Version. (2011). BibleGateway.com. http://www.biblegateway.com/versions/New-International-Version-NIV-Bible/#booklist

What it Means to Wait

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I've endured many seasons of waiting in life, and now I feel that I am in another one: hoping and waiting and wishing for a less stressful, less busy, calmer, easier corona virus free life. I am blessed to be stressed, blessed to be stretched, blessed to have a way to keep working in all this, but I've been so tired.

A friend and I were discussing our careers the other day, about our desires to get to a place where this ministry of helping others to somehow become easier, more sustainable. But then I read in Psalm 38 about waiting. The Spirit impressed upon me that sometimes we wait because the next thing is not here yet, or because we are not ready for it. We long for the future, but yet God calls us to live right now. And then the commentary I listened to on Psalm 40 talked about waiting on God meaning also waiting on God's timing. That convicted me.

If I believe in God's sovereignty, if I believe that God is who He says He is in the Bible, I must wait. I must trust in God's timing. I must be faithful in this season, even if I long for a different one. God is teaching me. God is growing me. May I not forsake the cultivating of life here, even as I long for another one. And may I ultimately long for heaven where I will see Jesus face to face.

Timelines

Our pastor preached a sermon a few weeks ago about timelines. Really, the sermon was about Jesus and how His birth and life and death happened perfectly, maybe not according to man's timeline, but according to God's. The pastor stated, "Everything on God's timeline will come to pass," and that got me thinking.

I stress so much about the future. I worry about tomorrow, next month, and next year. It's not an admirable trait, but rather a true struggle for me. Lately, I've found myself worrying even more about things I thought I'd decided to let go, like a house. Life is pretty good, and I don't have any major worries, so my brain seems to have decided to go back to worrying about things I don't need to worry about. I'm convinced it's a tactic of Satan to steal the joy of the present moment, too. By Jesus' power, I refuse to let him do that. 

"Everything on God's timeline will come to pass."

That means:

If I'm supposed to have a house, it will happen.

If I'm supposed to get my counseling license, it will happen.

If my work schedule is supposed to stabilize, it will happen.

If I'm supposed to get married someday, it will happen.

If I'm supposed to have a family of my own, it will happen.

If I need more education, it will happen.

If I'm supposed to...it will happen.

I believe the the truth written in the Bible that says "God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable" (Rom 11:29). Therefore, I have to trust that the things on God's timeline for my life will take place, and that anything that doesn't happen wasn't supposed to happen. But I also have to acknowledge that those those things on the timeline might not happen in the order I think they should, because this life is God's, not my own.

So friends, are you waiting? Waiting for a promotion? Waiting for that job change? Waiting for a life partner? Waiting for a child? Waiting to be where you think you should be? Everything on God's timeline will happen. Believe it. Trust it. Rest in it. 

May we together live in the now and not in the not yet.

When God Tells You to Stop Praying

It's happened to me twice now. I'm fervently praying about something, banging on heaven's door, and then suddenly it's like the Spirit says, "Stop." It happened when I went to Unshaken, and it just happened again. At Unshaken, I had a strong conviction to pray about a work issue, and at some point I just felt like God said, "It's taken care of." And in the current situation, I've felt unsettled and upset and overall confused for quite some time. But then I saw this quote from TobyMac on Instagram:

God was like, "It's taken care of." And when I tried to pray, the fervor was gone. It wasn't that I didn't care, bit that I just had a sense again that I didn't need to pray about it anymore.

Answers? Nope. I still don't have them. I don't know how things will work out. But in the silence, in the waiting, I have God's peace. I trust Him. He has heard my prayers and He'll answer for His glory and good in His timing. Praise Him.

Walking Forward

I've written a lot about fear this summer. It's an emotion that keeps facing me in big and overwhelming ways. And sometimes, I just want to let it bowl me over. I want to give up, give in; sit in a puddle and cry. And yet each time I get to that place, crying, sobbing, falling on my proverbial (and sometimes literal) face before the Lord, He says to me, "Walk forward."

My life is very confusing right now. I'm enjoying my job but otherwise feel like the rest of my life is unsettled. I was convinced for a while that I was in a season of waiting, but right now, that feels like a lot of pain and struggle and sorrow, instead of eagerly anticipating what God has next for me.

But God says," Walk forward."

"Walk into what?" I ask.

"Walk forward."

"But I'm scared." I say.

"Walk forward."

"But what if?" I query.

"Walk forward."

"This could end in more sorrow." I plead.

"Walk forward." God repeats.

God's message is clear, so I guess I'm walking forward. Into what, I don't know. But I know that the direction and that it is towards Jesus. That is enough.

Waiting for What?

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

~Ecclesiastes 3:11

I've been feeling sad lately. Sad over lost expectations. Sad because I feel lonely. Sad because I don't know what is next. I was talking to my mom about how stuck I feel right now, and she told me that she doesn't believe that this season of my life is forever. I don't either, but what's next? I don't know.

I keep reading about waiting and how I need to do it. I know that waiting is a biblical virtue, but it's hard. Especially when I don't know what I'm waiting for. Am I waiting for a house? Am I waiting to get married? Am I waiting to finish my licensure credentials? To find a new community of close friends? To find the "perfect" job? (Though I like my current job). And how long will my wait last? Forever?

Spiritually speaking, I know that I am waiting for forever, for eternal life with Christ in heaven. But that doesn't necessarily make this current life any easier. When I read this verse from Ecclesiastes, though, I realized that what might make things better is focusing on the beauty now. I don't have to wait to do that. I can see God's beauty in:

His creation
The floral and fauna of the desert
The creatures that move upon the earth
My family relationships
My friends
The kids I work with
Good food
Happy memories
The people around me

These are beautiful and good things that remind me of who God is and what He is doing in the world.

Waiting is both passive and active. It's passively being still and not trying to do for myself what God wants to do for me. It's actively trusting in, looking to, and believing on God. Maybe focusing on what's beautiful now will help me began to frame this hard process of waiting not as a search for meaning, but as a practice in focusing on God who gives life meaning. Because ultimately I'm waiting for Him to do His work, now and in eternity.