Underneath the Couch

We had to move our couches this weekend. Pushing them to the side exposed big, nasty piles of dust and debris, along with a few "lost" items. Quite frankly, I felt embarrassed. I pride myself on keeping a clean house (which might be part of the problem), and this made me feel like a failure. Indeed, yes, if a perfectly clean house is the goal, I had failed. Failure left me feeling icky.

As I reasoned with myself, though, I reasoned that it is unwise to move the couches every week to clean under them. It is unwise for physical reasons, and for time reasons. I am not really strong enough to move couches, so I could get injured, and it doesn't make sense to spend the time it would take every week. Not moving the couches, though, leaves me needing to reckon with the mess.

I reckon that the mess reminds me that I am not perfect. The mess reminds me that something good enough has to be good enough. The mess reminds me that everyone has stuff they cover up. Sometimes it's good to look under the couch. Sometimes it's not.

Looking under the couch might look like getting real and vulnerable with friends or family about struggles. That happened in conjunction with the couch moving. I was at a near breaking point and had to talk to my mom about it. When she and my dad came down to help, she also saw the mess under the couches. Life is like that sometimes. It exposes our stuff. 

There are times are not good to look under a couch, too. Times I need to run out the door. Times when moments are limited. Times I need to invest in friends and family rather than navel-gazing. Times when my ego-strength is not strong enough to endure more introspection. Times that just aren't "right."

In my home and in my life, there were always be stuff "under the couch." It takes wisdom to know when to look and when not to look. It takes trust in God's sovereignty to deal with the stuff that emerges when I am not looking. May God grant both, as I am sure I will have many more opportunities in this life to see what's "underneath the couch."

Lessons Learned in Three Years of Home Ownership

Three years of home ownership! Let's just say I've learned a few things:

1. Have an emergency fund.

2. Catching a hot water heater leak early is good. Paying for repairs for the neighbor's is bad.

3. Have an emergency fund. 

4. It's often cheaper to buy new than renew. (And tearing apart a stackable washing machine is a mess!)

5. Have an emergency fund.

6. Replacing an air conditioner is expensive.

7. Have an emergency fund.

--

In all seriousness, I am so thankful for our home and still glad to be here, but man, owning a home and paying for its repairs and upkeep is expensive. Have an emergency fund. That's my advice. And make it bigger than you think you need. That's my advice after three years of home ownership. Hopefully I will have some better advice to offer after the next three years. We will see....

Five.

Five years ago, I moved back to Arizona.

Four years ago, I started a job that would allow me to work towards professional licensure.

Three years ago, I bought an almost-new car. I also started hanging out with the guy who would become my husband.

Two years ago, I got married, bought a house, hiked the Grand Canyon, visited Washington, started another new job, and joined a church.

This year, by God's grace, I got my professional counseling license, started small group at church, finally took a vacation, and celebrated two years of marriage.

I took a leap of faith when I moved back. I had not idea what the future would hold. God did. "He knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold" (Job 23:10, New International Version). I feel grateful and look forward to seeing God work as we continue to live in Arizona.

The Condo that Could

We'd talked about moving, but weren't sure about a date. "Let's just look at condos," my husband said. So just like that, after we flew in from our trip to Arkansas, we looked at condos. We looked at several. The ones we'd had our eyes on were...terrible. But there was a new one that was nice. It already had offers on it, though.

"Let me just call to see what the offers are," our realtor said. "You could always make a backup."

My husband and I sat down with the information we had over lunch, I mean, linner, or lupper. All I'd had to eat that day was a Clif bar and an apple, and it was way past lunch time. My husband figured the new condo was the best one and wanted to offer on it. It admittedly wasn't my favorite, but why not? It could work. And it had the most to offer besides the actual dwelling space: a good location, access to the light rail, newer appliances, etc. And it had three offers already. It was doubtful they'd take ours.

So, in a hunger-crazed haze, I signed paperwork to bid. I didn't even look at the closing date. I just signed. And on Monday of that week, I came home to the news, "They accepted our offer."

"What?" I replied. 

"Yes, they accepted our offer. We're moving." He said.

I panicked. I tried to digest the news. I had signed the paperwork to try to buy this condo. I had agreed that it might be good for us to move. But I didn't realize it would be so soon.

And then came the fear. Fear the inspection would fail. Fear the loan wouldn't get approved. Fear the cost would be too great. Fear. Fear. Fear. My husband had faith; I struggled, to say the least. But the condo went through. We closed, despite having to go back to the table to adjust our offer after the appraisal, despite needs for extra income verification, despite two rounds of hours-long paperwork signing. We moved November 23rd.

The longer I live in the condo, the more I realize what a blessing it is, and how like it is to the house that wasn't. The light from the windows, the nice gray walls, the (faux) wood floors, the two bathrooms I wanted. The white kitchen, the porches. The house isn't perfect, but it's ours. The condo that could is becoming our home. We are so grateful to God.

The House That Wasn't

I'd offered on several houses, a lot of houses. Some owners didn't accept my offers. Some houses went to bidding wars. And some houses were sold by time time my realtor and I submitted our paperwork. I'd offered on this house and been declined, too. But then the owners came back. 

"Do you want the house?" They asked through my realtor.

"Well, yes." I replied.

"The other buys were nickel- and dime-ing us," I heard. "So you can have it."

So I started the process. I sent my $1,000 escrow money. I ordered the home inspection. I investigated home warranties and chose one. I went over what the house needed (because it did need some work) and lined up repairmen. We ordered the appraisal. It came back. I made Pinterest boards of what I planned to do with each house and each room. My best friend diagrammed the house and made plans to fly out and help me decorate. I got a roommate. Everything was going swimmingly...until it wasn't. 

On final walk through, mere days before the purchase, my dad crawled under the house one more time "just to make sure" and found water, like lots of water. Monsoon season (aka heavy rains) had just started, and apparently the rain was running under the house instead of around it. I didn't panic just yet, though. I started investigating. But as I investigated, my heart sank. I found out that not only was the runoff an issue, but the whole slope of the land. A repair would mean removing the landscaping in the front and back yards, removing the front and back porches, readjusting the lay of the land, re-landscaping, putting the porches back on, and then fixing the house foundation issues. Oh man!

A real estate investor friend of ours looked at the house and he said he wouldn't buy it if he was me. And he had experience with flipping houses. I was a first time homebuyer, with barely enough money to put for a down payment, and very little time to fix up a house. So I let the house go. I told my roommate, "No."

I was discouraged, distraught, even. I wanted this so bad. And it seemed God had opened all the doors only to slam them in my face. I didn't understand, and perhaps I never fully will.

As the years past that failed home purchase have passed, though, God has in His grace revealed some reasons why that sale didn't go through:

• I needed more time with my family to repair and heal some relationships.
• My job turned out to be way harder and way more time consuming than I expected, and I honestly needed my mom to feed me a lot of nights. Living at home allowed her to do that.
• My mom prayed that I wouldn't move out until I got married. (Thankfully she kept that prayer to herself until I got engaged.)
• My prospective roommate decided to follow the Lord to a different country, and without her help, mortgage payments would have been difficult.
• Living at home allowed me to save more money for a potential future home purchase.
• Not owning a home made it easier to marry and move in with my husband (in that order!) and consider what God had for us versus for me.

God knows what He's doing, friends. Following the Lord is hard, and it often doesn't make sense. But God is good, and His plans work out for our good, even if it does not feel good in the moment, or maybe on this earth. My dream house wasn't. That was hard. But it allowed God to bring to fruition some other dreams, dreams I'd buried or even let go unrecognized. To Him be the glory.

God-Things and Dreams

The short version: Chris asked me to marry him. I said, "Yes."

The long version: 

God-Things and Dreams

My sweet Nana went to be with Jesus May 17, 2015. When she went, she willed her heirloom diamond to me. I was kind of mad about it at the time. I had just turned 27 and saw no hopes of every getting married. I even angrily told my parents to give the ring to my cousin, but they didn't. They kept it because they believe in God-things.

Fast forward to June 10, 2018 and my dear friend's wedding. For the first time probably ever, I came away from a wedding with the simultaneously sinking, yet buoyant feeling that marriage would be good for me. It might even out some of my idiosyncracies, provide support, grant companionship, and ultimately make me into more of who God wanted me to be. I didn't exactly have prospects or even a promise, but I somehow felt that I was next. That feeling wasn't because the bridal bouquet fell at my feet (which it did, because my friend and I, the last single ones in our college friend group, refused to catch it) or because I was technically "next" on the getting married list which we made in probably 2009 or 2010 (which I was). I just had a feeling.

My friend group is super faithful to pray for one another, so before we packed up and left the wedding, we stood in a circle and prayed. I asked my friends to pray community for me, something I felt desperately lacking in my new state of Arizona. Little did I know what God would do.

I came home that weekend to only having my parents for a few days. I knew they had to leave at the end of the week and that felt lonely to me. But I prayerfully approached the week and knew somehow I'd made it through. God has gotten me through before, and I knew he would again.

That week, I got an e-mail about a College and Career group event in downtown Prescott. It sounded fun and I had been trying to get more involved with the group, so I decided to go. And since I was the one of the oldest ones at our church and wanted to find more community, I e-mailed Chris. I thought he was an interesting person, but I honestly wasn't trying to make the first move. He just happened to be the only person my age I had contact information for and I felt very strongly that I should talk to him about going, so I did.

I had a lot of fun that night. I didn't realize until afterward that Chris and I were the only ones our age there, and that I was the only unmarried girl there. Whoops! Chris walked me to my car afterward (because I was parked far away in the dark, and that's the kind of guy he is). We stood on the sidewalk and talked for what seemed like forever, and then I left and went home to my empty house.

Chris and I hung out a lot that summer, and last fall, we started dating. There are a lot of God-details in that story, but I'll leave them out for now.

God Thing #1 (that I can bear witness to, because I see God's fingerprints all over this)

March 4, 2019: I told Chris that I was talking time off work March 11th. He'd already told me he wanted to do something together after church March 10th, but that wasn't the reason for my vacation request. I just needed time off. God knew, and he was preparing the way.

God Thing #2 

March 7, 2019: I was at the mall for work. Chris was in the jeweler's at the mall looking at rings. I was headed right for the jeweler's, but he saw me and quickly hid. I never saw him there. I actually didn't seem him until he was walking out. I wondered what he was up to, but was too busy to give it much thought.

God Thing #3

More March 7, 2019: Chris saw my car at my work and asked to go over and talk to my parents, assuming I'd be gone. Good thing I worked late that day! I'd actually seen his car at church next door and planned to go talk to him, but when I didn't see him, I went to the grocery store instead, something I don't usually do. That gave Chris more margin.

Chris asked my parents' permission to marry me, and when they gave it, he asked what kind of ring my mom thought I'd want. Mom gave him Nana's ring. Chris was surprised, because he didn't know it existed. (I mean, what kind of girl tells her boyfriend, "Hey, if you ever think of marrying me, I've already got a ring!" And we very specifically had set a dating boundary that we weren't talking about us getting married until that was the plan. So we'd talked about God and the meaning of marriage and our values and lots of other important things, but not about us getting married.) 

God Thing #4, a bunch of God-things wrapped up in one

March 10, 2019, The Proposal: The day dawned bright and clear, nicer than it's been in awhile, especially after our 27 inches of snow near the end of February. It got colder and windier as the day went on, but it was still decent weather wise.

Chris took me to hike Trail 28 on Mingus Mountain, the trail we hiked the day we decided to start dating. We hiked up the trail instead of down and back up, like we did the first time. Chris told me at the top that he thought he'd pushed a little too hard. I told him that he should have told me to stop. He said he was fine. I shrugged, not fully believing him, but not knowing what else to do. We rested a few minutes and headed back down. He'd told me he wanted to stop at the rock outcropping where we stopped the first time. We did. We took a few pictures and when he sat down on the rock outcropping, I went and joined him.

"So, I'm kind of glad we got to hike this trail again, like we did that first day. And I'm glad we had that conversation afterward." He said.

I laughed. "Yeah, I'm glad we had that conversation, too, or we wouldn't be here."

I could tell he was getting sentimental, but I didn't know what to do, so I just stared across the valley at the scenery.

"So I don't know how to do this, because I've never done it before," he said, "But will you marry me?" As he asked the question, he pulled out a box from his pocket and opened it to show me a ring. 

I'd kind of wondered if he might propose that day, but I didn't want to be presumptuous. I'd prayed to just enjoy the day (because it was a dating anniversary for us) and see what happened. I'd prayed and planned my response, too, however, because that's the kind of person I am.

"It would be a privilege to marry you," I said. "So yes."

I picked up the ring and looked at it. I was pretty sure it was Nana's, but needed to see. Chris told me that we could go to the jeweler Monday to get it "fixed" or reset. Good thing I had Monday off!

We talked, took more pictures, and then headed back down the trail. Good thing we were headed down, because that meant we could talk while we walked. We decided at the car to go to Wal-Mart and get rubber rings to wear while we waited for my ring to get remade. Chris asked if he could wear a ring, too. I said, "Why not?" We're both committed to this process of marriage at this point, so I don't see why he can't have a symbol of that process, too.

God Thing #5

Later that day: We went home to my house and told my parents the news. Mom told me that she'd secretly been praying that I wouldn't move out until I got married. She apologized that the house I was buying fell through, saying it was her fault. I told her not to worry about it. That house wouldn't have been good for me anyway.

Chris and I were debating dates, but worried about what people would think of our timeline. The people we value most told us to make our engagement short. We didn't expect that, but took it as confirmation from the Lord. I don't do things lightly, but when I do act, I tend to do it quickly and jump in with both feet. Here we go....

Dreams

Since I was a little girl, I dreamed of being proposed to at a high point on a hike. I'd heard a similar story from friends of the family and always had that stuck in my head. I'd always wanted to date and fall in love with just one guy. And I'd always wanted a summer/sunshine-y wedding, but didn't think it would happen. Now it is. God is such a good God.

Life's an adventure. I said that when I moved to Arizona, and I had no clue at the time that I'd fall in love and get married here. But that's the way God works sometimes: unexpectedly, silently, and then larger than life. I'm thankful for where I am, for where we are, and looking forward with hope to what God has next for us. May He get the glory in and through it all.

"Not to us, Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness."

~Psalm 115:1, New International Version

Timelines

Our pastor preached a sermon a few weeks ago about timelines. Really, the sermon was about Jesus and how His birth and life and death happened perfectly, maybe not according to man's timeline, but according to God's. The pastor stated, "Everything on God's timeline will come to pass," and that got me thinking.

I stress so much about the future. I worry about tomorrow, next month, and next year. It's not an admirable trait, but rather a true struggle for me. Lately, I've found myself worrying even more about things I thought I'd decided to let go, like a house. Life is pretty good, and I don't have any major worries, so my brain seems to have decided to go back to worrying about things I don't need to worry about. I'm convinced it's a tactic of Satan to steal the joy of the present moment, too. By Jesus' power, I refuse to let him do that. 

"Everything on God's timeline will come to pass."

That means:

If I'm supposed to have a house, it will happen.

If I'm supposed to get my counseling license, it will happen.

If my work schedule is supposed to stabilize, it will happen.

If I'm supposed to get married someday, it will happen.

If I'm supposed to have a family of my own, it will happen.

If I need more education, it will happen.

If I'm supposed to...it will happen.

I believe the the truth written in the Bible that says "God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable" (Rom 11:29). Therefore, I have to trust that the things on God's timeline for my life will take place, and that anything that doesn't happen wasn't supposed to happen. But I also have to acknowledge that those those things on the timeline might not happen in the order I think they should, because this life is God's, not my own.

So friends, are you waiting? Waiting for a promotion? Waiting for that job change? Waiting for a life partner? Waiting for a child? Waiting to be where you think you should be? Everything on God's timeline will happen. Believe it. Trust it. Rest in it. 

May we together live in the now and not in the not yet.

A Good Place

I encounter a lot of people who think I'm behind on life. They think that by 30, I should have a house, a husband, a settled job, and kids. And let's be honest, sometimes I think I should have those things, too. That makes me feel discontent. But when I really stop to consider all the factors of my life, I'm thankful for where I am.

I'm thankful that I don't have a house because I'm more free to move about and continue to consider where God wants me to be.

I'm thankful I'm not married yet because I've had time to figure out who I am in Christ and what kind of person God might use to further form me more into Christ's image.

I'm thankful for the job I have because it is stretching and growing me in ways the "perfect" job wouldn't.

I'm thankful I don't have kids because my childlessness gives me time and energy to love on other people's kids.

And I don't think it's too late for some of the things that I want to still come to fruition if they are God's will. I'm not giving up on my dreams of one day having a house, a husband, my full counseling license, and maybe some kids of my own. Rather I'm seeking the Lord and working towards those goals in my own ways. I'm trying not to give into societal expectations that I "should" be at a different place at the same time. As Jennifer Rollin so aptly puts it, "Life is not a race....Wherever you are in your journey is perfectly okay." 

There are lots of hard parts of life, but I want learn to be present and content. Because wherever I am is a good place for me if it's God's place for me.

Incomplete

If one more person tells me to get a boyfriend, I think I will scream. Since turning 30, I've gotten more comments and questions about why I don't have kids and why I don't have a husband than ever before. And those comments have come from everyone from a five year-old kid to the oldest coworker I have. People, these things aren't necessarily in my control!

It's been a hard season of life and I can't deny that there are times that it seems like having a house, a husband, and 2.5 kids might make things easier. They would at least make me a "typical American." But I know in my heart that a house, husband, and kids cannot and will not complete me. I am incomplete on my own, but I find completion in Christ, and in Him alone. It is He who has begun a good work in me and will carry it on to the finish line of my life (Phil 1:6). 

If one day God sees fit to bless me with a house and a home and family, great! Finding my completeness in the Lord will help me with those relationships. But if I remain as I am, single and even living in my parents' house, Christ is enough. I am complete because Christ indwells my heart through the Holy Spirit, and He is enough.

So if you're thinking of giving me (or any of my other single friends) advice about life, please consider ways to push me towards Jesus instead. Please don't comment on my relationship status, or where I live, or on what I don't have. I don't need reminders of what I'm not. What I need are reminders of my worth in Christ and the complete riches I have in Him. God is my beginning and my end, and my identity comes from Him.

Discontent

So much in my life is going right. I've made it a year at my job. My parents bought me a new phone for my birthday. I recently got a new car. I just went on a beautiful vacation. And yet I'm still discontent.

I keep thinking that at some point all the pieces of my life will fall into place. That I'll find a home of my own. That I'll make friends. That I'll get married. That my job will be less stressful. That I'll feel settled and at rest. The more I go on with life though, the more I realize that I'll never quite get there.

This world and its imperfections are supposed to make me long for heaven. I need to be thankful and grateful for the good things here on earth, yes, but I need to accept that this dwelling place will never satisfy. The settledness I lack here reminds me that I need to look to Jesus to meet my needs and provide an eternal home. 

So here's to living with my discontent, for accepting it and integrating it into my life and allowing it to push me towards Jesus. I am weak, but he is strong (2 Cor 12:10).

Settling

My brother gave me a beautiful wood-wick candle for Christmas. I was saving it for my own home, so I put it away in a cabinet. But since buying and inhabiting my own home seems like a far off dream at this point, I decided to open it and light it. As the candle set there on the corner crackling and burning, I thought, “I've decided to live here. I'm settling."

I'm settling on quite a few things in life right now because I refuse to settle on other things for the long term. I'm settling on living at home with my parents because I refuse to settle on buying a sub-par house, or buying a home that exceeds my budget. I'm settling on being single because I refuse to settle on less than God's best in marriage. I'm settling on suboptimal hand performance because I refuse to settle for more botox. I'm settling on staying in Arizona because I refuse to settle and believe that I've done all I can here.

Life is about decisions, and I've got to settle one way or another. So I'm settling on living out my life right here and right now, rather than reaching for things that aren't good for me.