In Defense of the Traditional Female Gender Role

If you would have told me I'd be saying this a few years ago, I would have said, "No way." If you would have told me I'd be married even a few years ago, I would have said, "Nah." But things change. People change. And so while what I'm about to write may shock a few people, it's a result of the above mentioned ability to change. And this is it: Maybe a woman's place really is at home.

I always railed against the idea of the domestic housewife. I wanted to do more. Be more. I felt that being "just" a housewife was menial, demeaning. I subscribed to the biblical idea of complimentarian gender roles, in that I needed to submit to men in leadership, and a husband if I ever had one, but thought I could do that and be an aspiring career woman. Well that changed.

I returned to my full-time (plus!) job just two weeks after my husband and I got married. I attempted to keep the same pace and focus, but things just weren't the same. I wanted to work, wanted to help, but also wanted to be home to care for my husband. I felt very guilty when I got home after him or had to have him make dinner because I was late. He was totally willing to help cook when he could, but I felt that as a wife, cooking was my job.

I had career aspirations, things I wanted to do and accomplish. I still have them, kind of. I have things I want to do and explore. I like learning. All pales in comparison to wanting to be a good wife, though. Career takes at least second place, if not third or fourth or lower.

My husband has taken on some of the household chores as we've been married longer. He says it's only fair if he has time and I'm working full-time. That makes sense, but marriage isn't all about fairness. I know that household chores aren't my husband's favorite. It blesses him if I do them. I want to bless him.

The more I talk to wives and moms, the more I find women in the same situation as me. They find that they cannot work full-time and keep up with their house and family as they want, so they work part-time. One woman told me that she lost all career motivation when she got married and subsequently became a mom. She might still work, but she is not as interested in the prospects. Several of the bloggers I follow had dramatic career changes after marriage and child bearing. It's a trend.

Marriage changes things. Marriage changed (and is changing!) me. I like working. I think I might be bored if I stayed at home all day and didn't see an outside soul. But I don't think work is what I was created to do as a wife. Home is where my heart is. Even if/when I am working that is my place, and that is where my greatest focus lies.

Our Marriage Exists to Make Disciples.

If I had a dollar for every time my husband and/or I have been asked if we plan to have kids, we'd be rich. I got a little offended at the questions at first, but I am coming to accept and even expect them. As my husband pointed out, most people are just innocently curious. Others really care about us and our plans and want to pray for us. We appreciate that. And as I read recently, maybe I need to develop a thicker skin and better boundaries around conversation.

For the record, I don't plan to discuss family planning in this post. What I do plan to discuss is the purpose of our marriage: to make disciples. My husband and I discussed this long before we got married, and our stance hasn't changed. As believers in Jesus Christ for salvation, we are called to fulfill The Great Commission: "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit "(Matt 28:19, New International Version). We were called to fulfill this mission before we got married, and by God's grace and the Holy Spirit's power, we were. He worked at a church and with kids in church ministry. I worked in a professional vocation that caused me to interact with kids and families in a way that pointed them to the eternal hope of Jesus, even if I could not say His name. Marriage just added another avenue by which to disciple. (See Francis Chan's book You and Me, Forever for a more thorough discussion of this topic.)

Having biological kids is not always an option. Some people are called to foster and/or adopt. Some people love other people's kids as godparents. Some people work in vocational mystery with kids. We don't want to pin down or forecast what God has for us. But what we do want to do is keep making disciples. We want to keep speaking the name of Jesus where we are able to do so. We want to keep supporting missions and mission work in word, action, and deed. We want to keep engaging in conversations about faith, both with loved ones, and with people God brings to us, or sends us out to. We want to be faithful and good stewards of what God has given us.

Marriage exists because God ordained it. Marriage exists to model Christ and the church. To demean marriage to simply an avenue by which to propagate the earth is to make marriage small. We have a larger view:

Our marriage exists to make disciples, but grace, through faith in Christ Jesus, by the power of the Holy Spirit. 

That's the drop dead goal, folks. By God's grace, may we walk in it.

We're Always Getting There.

Three years ago. Three years ago today, I took this picture of this important piece of paper lying on the worn dashmat of my 1998 Saturn. After five years of graduate school and months and months of study, I had finally passed the National Counseling Exam. It was something I never thought I could do, or at least doubted I could do without God's strength and guidance and wisdom. And I'd done it. Praise Him!

I thought that passing that counseling exam would lead me to my preferred profession. But in reality, I'd already taken another job, and it wasn't counseling. I worked at that job for a year, and then went back to my core desire to help others and took a job in behavioral health. I thought that job would be something different than it was, or is, because I'm still at that job. And I like my job. I'm thankful for my job. But it definitely isn't the one I expected to have when I walked across the stage with my graduate degree in marriage and family therapy in 2015.

Life isn't what we think it is. Somehow, we think we'll someday arrive, but we don't. We don't ever quite find our perfect job. We don't ever quite reach our financial goals. We don't ever quite figure out who or what or where we want to be when we "grow up." My husband and I were just having that conversation with teens at our church, and we're both in our thirties.

No. We never quite arrive. We're always getting there. But I think that's God's way of reminding us that He's in control, that He's God, that we always need to be humble and willing to grow. Because growth is part of the journey, and in this life, the journey isn't over until we see Jesus. As believers in Christ, we should always be working toward getting there.

A Good Place

I encounter a lot of people who think I'm behind on life. They think that by 30, I should have a house, a husband, a settled job, and kids. And let's be honest, sometimes I think I should have those things, too. That makes me feel discontent. But when I really stop to consider all the factors of my life, I'm thankful for where I am.

I'm thankful that I don't have a house because I'm more free to move about and continue to consider where God wants me to be.

I'm thankful I'm not married yet because I've had time to figure out who I am in Christ and what kind of person God might use to further form me more into Christ's image.

I'm thankful for the job I have because it is stretching and growing me in ways the "perfect" job wouldn't.

I'm thankful I don't have kids because my childlessness gives me time and energy to love on other people's kids.

And I don't think it's too late for some of the things that I want to still come to fruition if they are God's will. I'm not giving up on my dreams of one day having a house, a husband, my full counseling license, and maybe some kids of my own. Rather I'm seeking the Lord and working towards those goals in my own ways. I'm trying not to give into societal expectations that I "should" be at a different place at the same time. As Jennifer Rollin so aptly puts it, "Life is not a race....Wherever you are in your journey is perfectly okay." 

There are lots of hard parts of life, but I want learn to be present and content. Because wherever I am is a good place for me if it's God's place for me.

It is What It Is.

"It is what it is." My dad said this to us all the time my siblings and I were growing up, and honestly, it annoyed me. It seemed dismissive of the situations at hand, as well as unrecognizing of my feelings. But as I've gotten older, I've realized the truth in Dad's mantra. And I've kind of taken it on as my own.

Someone said something I don't understand. I can overanalyze it, or take it at face value. It is what it is.

People have opinions about my relationships and what they think they should be. I can try to justify my actions and comply with expectations, or let the issue go. It is what it is.

My plans for the day got hijacked. I can stress and fret, or just run with what the day throws at me. It is what it is.

I haven't trained enough for my 5K, so my time will be slow. I can chastise myself, or just go and enjoy it. It is what it is.

I should (fill in the blank), but I didn't or I  can't. I can strive and strain or accept. It is what it is.

I want (fill in the blank), but I don't have it. I can wallow in discontent, or just be where I am. It is what it is.

This is my life, people. It isn't perfect, and I certainly struggle in it, but it is what it is. This is where God has placed me for this time and season, and He is here. HE IS.

Who Is My Neighbor?

We had a compelling sermon this past week at church. I came away with the question, "Who is my neighbor?" It's a question that's been rattling around in my head for quite some time. I read Bob Goff's book, Everybody Always this summer. And I recently finished Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist. Neither book was entirely about neighbors, but they both referenced love and loving the people around us.

My job is to serve people, and I love it and am thankful for it. It is a privilege to walk with and encourage people in their journeys of life, particularly in the hard times. But I've been realizing that my service during the day can come at a cost to my family and friends during the rest of my life. The work I do always comes at a cost to those around me, because it is emotionally taxing and draining. But sometimes work comes at too much of a cost, where I'm putting work before family and friends.

The question, "Who is my neighbor?" for me, therefore, has become less about the general "who" and more about the specific "who." Shauna Niequist writes about the "home team," and encourages readers to really hone in on who that is. Bob Goff writes times and times again about not trying to be Jesus. Jesus is the Savior and Healer and Redeemer, and I'm not it! I'm realizing that part of my issue with work is that I'm trying to do too much, playing medic for the away team while my home team suffers. I need to do the work I'm called to do, but I also need to make time and space for the direct people in my life, the people who are behind and before me in the work I do. Because if I lose my home team, I've got nothing.

So who is my neighbor? Every human being that God has created is my neighbor! But there are some specific neighbors, my family and my close friends, that God calls me to serve in specific ways, and I need to find time and space to do it. By God's grace, may I never step over the bleeding neighbor at my doorstep to be a "savior" to the neighbor far away.

Discontent

So much in my life is going right. I've made it a year at my job. My parents bought me a new phone for my birthday. I recently got a new car. I just went on a beautiful vacation. And yet I'm still discontent.

I keep thinking that at some point all the pieces of my life will fall into place. That I'll find a home of my own. That I'll make friends. That I'll get married. That my job will be less stressful. That I'll feel settled and at rest. The more I go on with life though, the more I realize that I'll never quite get there.

This world and its imperfections are supposed to make me long for heaven. I need to be thankful and grateful for the good things here on earth, yes, but I need to accept that this dwelling place will never satisfy. The settledness I lack here reminds me that I need to look to Jesus to meet my needs and provide an eternal home. 

So here's to living with my discontent, for accepting it and integrating it into my life and allowing it to push me towards Jesus. I am weak, but he is strong (2 Cor 12:10).

I Care About Kids...

...but I'm not a mom.

Let me explain. I work with kids. I am growing to love it. Kids matter. The kids I work with are "my kids" even if I have not birthed them. But that doesn't make me a mom.

I have been repeatedly asked if I am a mother this past year. The lady at the pottery shop asked me if I planned to have another child when I was out with my "kids." (I had to clarify that I was not their mother.) The librarian asked me if I had kids when I was perusing the children's section looking for a book. (Nope! My life just revolves around kids and I needed a resource.) The lady in the church bathroom told me that I'd have beautiful kids after I'd responded to her other questions that I didn't have kids and needed a husband before I would. The woman in the pew next to me asked about my interest in marriage and told me I was cute and she hoped I'd find someone. (I assume she hopes I'll have kids, too.) The nail salon owner asked me if I had kids when I was there before Mother's Day to purchase a gift certificate for a friend's birthday. (When I said, "No," he clarified that I look like I'm 19. Thanks, but I'm not.) One kiddo recently asked if I wanted kids. They reported that I'd be a good mom because I'm nice and say, "Please use the magic word." Maybe all the time I spend with kids is beginning to give me a persona.

I'm not a mom, and I'm not sure I can be a mom and do the work I do. I might want to be an adoptive mom someday, but that's another topic for another day. For now, know I care about kids, but that I cannot replace their mothers. Moms have a special and unique role, and that isn't my my place . My role is to help, and encourage, and support. My role is to help children and families become more whole.

I care about kids, and I don't have to be a mom to do it.

*I'm linking up with Amanda at Running with Spoons for this Thinking Out Loud post. 

The Big 3-0!

Well, it's May 5 again and the date of my "big" birthday. Am I finally an adult now? No one really believes that I'm 30, but whatever. My birth certificate proves I am.

And now, on to the year in review.

My three favorites from the year:

1) My new job: Hard as it is, I'm finally doing what I trained to do. Lord, help me do my job with grace and strength!

(No, I don't play in the sand every day, but I do engage in sand tray sometimes. This was a tray I created in supervision.)

2) Traveling! Yes, I actually left the state to this year, three times in fact! First, I went to Kansas for my cousin's wedding. Then I visited littlest brother in Wisconsin, and more recently I went to Texas to run the Fresh 15 5K with my brother and sister-in-law.

3) King and Country: Maybe it wasn't the best concert experience ever, but I did it and checked another item off my bucket list.

My Goals for Year 29:

How'd I do? Ehh. I'm working on it, I guess. I have been trying to cook more. I've discovered that I really want chocolate most mornings at breakfast, so I've been having it, usually in the form of chocolate oatmeal or hot chocolate. I stopped being so vegetarian and started eating more meat because it just worked better for me. I'm eating what sounds good even when it sounds ridiculous, like the other night when I had chicken salad and green peas for a bedtime snack. Food isn't the end all, be all, but it's nice when it is satisfying.

My sleep got a little better, as I focused on it more all the times I was sick. But recently it's been not so great. I wonder if the changing of seasons has something to do with it, seeing that I'm waking up at 4 am again.

I've played around with exercise a little bit. I've taken a few more days off due to tiredness and sickness. I got a FitBit watch and am trying to move more during the work day. I'd like to be stronger and healthier, but this is the body I've got, so I need to be grateful for what I can do and not lament what I can't. And I still need to learn to listen to my body more.

My Goals for Year 30:

I'm working on my #bucketlistproject. Those are my specific goals for 2018. In the next year of life, I guess I'd say that I more globally want to:

1) Get better at my job. I need to attend trainings and apply what I learn. That's often a challenge in the fast-paced, ever-changing work world, but it's possible.

2) Stress less. I stress a lot. I really need to get better at managing my own stress so that I can achieve goals one and three.

3) Live life. I'm bad about letting stress and tiredness steal my joy. I need to let those things go and live as much as I can. Certain things are out of my control, like getting married or finding a house I can afford. But I can live in the moment, enjoy what I have, and keep reaching out to find new experiences and relationships.

And that's a wrap. Any comments or suggestions about my goals? What goals did you, or do you have for year 30? Please share in the comments section.

I Don't Want to BE the Best, Just DO My Best.

Back in December, I read a post in The Joy Squad Facebook group about finding joy in work. I didn't think too much of it. Sure, I was tired and frustrated about how much I was working, but I'm an achiever, and honestly, I took some pride in how much I was working and how efficient I was being. And then the flu (or a flu-like virus) hit. I ached, ran a fever, had a terrible runny nose, and went to the doctor twice. I was out of work for a almost a week (but thankfully some of the days fell on scheduled vacation/holidays, so I only had to take two days off). I've been lacking in energy since, and thinking more about one particular comment on that post.

A lot of women replied to the post last December, but one response stuck out to me.  That woman wrote, "Now I am back at a corporate job and want nothing more than to break the culture of martyrdom and the glorification of busyness." Those words have resonated with me as I've returned to work. In the past, I've found identity in matryrdom and busyness, but now I find myself thinking differently. I find myself thinking, "I want to do my job and go home" instead of, "What's the most I can work today?" I've been thinking, "I want to meet my efficiency goals," rather than, "I want to exceed my goals this week." I've been thinking about how I want to identify myself as a human, and not as a workaholic.

My mom picks Bible verses to pray for us each year, and for me this year, she chose 1 Peter 4:10. It reads, "Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms"  (New International Version). This verse really applies to my current outlook on work. I want to do my job and I want to do a good job, because that is what God has called me to do. Sure, I feel a little guilty when I come home early and don't get into overtime, but overtime is not my best work. My best work is when I allow God to fill me up, pour out, and then leave work and go home and get refilled.

Overtime is a part of my job, to be sure, but I want to stop pursuing it. I want to stop looking at our efficiency reports each week and feeling guilty because I'm not leading the pack. Constantly trying to BE the best is exhausting, and at some point will lead to me DOING work that is less than my best. So me new motto is to stop trying to BE the best and start DOING my best. May God give me strength.

I'm linking up with Amanda at Running with Spoons for this Thinking Out Loud post.

Train Wreck

So I, the college guidance coordinator, became a PE teacher today. The PE teacher planned to be absent and asked if I could take her classes hiking. "Sure," I said. I led a hiking club in the fall and had accompanied her on hikes before. It didn't seem like it should be that hard.

I dressed in my PE teacher best (e.g. dry-wick tee, yoga pants, and hiking boots) and set out from home early this morning. I felt pretty confident until I realized that the eighth hour teacher didn't know she was supposed to hike with me. (We need two adults to safely hike the trails located around our school.) I sent her an e-mail, but wasn't able to resolve the issue before my first hike. The first hike went okay, but came in very close to our time limits.

After the first hike, I needed to resolve the eighth hour issue and eat breakfast. The eighth hour teacher wasn't dressed for hiking, so she decided to do dodge ball with the students, which was actually a blessing, as it meant I could have an hour off.

On my way to lunch duty, I talked to the fifth hour teacher who was to accompany me. He didn't know about hiking either, but agreed to come. At lunch, the seventh hour teacher told me he didn't know about hiking either. He still said he'd help.

I felt pretty exhausted after that second hike. (Each hike was two miles round-trip, partly uphill, and the second hike was from 11:45-12:35.) The group of students was large. We almost ran late. Then, when I got back to my desk, I had multiple e-mails awaiting me in my inbox, a phone call to return, and lunch to eat, all in 50 minutes. A student needed to talk to me. I had text messages buzzing into my phone. Information overload. But I got it all done.

My legs burned that third time up the hill, but I made it, grateful that the eighth period teacher didn't need me to hike with her. The group of students was smaller and more manageable. We got back early. My boss thanked me for my help. So I guess maybe it wasn't a train wreck after all.

Moral of the story? Sometimes we talk ourselves into problems being bigger than they are. Sometimes changes of plans don't really make that big of a difference. Sometimes (probably most of the time), I can accomplish more than I think if I just take things one at a time.

Are you facing a situation that seems like a train wreck? Is life giving you more than you can bear? Don't dismiss the hard feelings, but do realize that it's easy to get sucked into the, "I can't" cycle. Take one thing at a time and see what God will do.

Doors: The Story of My Job

I submitted all my other applications first and wavered about the one. Little brother said, "You should apply for every job you can in the area you want to be, though." So I applied for the job: a college guidance coordinator position at a local charter high school. I felt qualified for this job because of my previous experience working in university financial aid, but this guidance job did not require a masters degree or facilitate professional licensing for counseling. I wondered if taking this job would be forsaking the calling I felt towards counseling, and I prayed that God would shut the door if so.

I got an e-mail from a recruiter for the school the next day asking for a phone interview. We talked that very afternoon. She told me that there were several people who had already interviewed for the job, but she would forward my information to the supervisor for the position, and I might hear back next week. I prayed that God would close the door and not allow me to get an interview if he did not want me to have the job.

Meanwhile, I got another e-mail about another application I submitted, this one for an actual counseling job. I wavered about the nature of the work, but scheduled an interview anyway. I needed a job.

I missed the first call from the school job supervisor. When I returned the call, I got voicemail. "This is a dead end, I thought." But then I got a call back, after 5 pm.

"Can you come in at 1 pm tomorrow?"

"Sure."

I got to the interview a little early and got left by the receptionist out in the hallway. I tried to smile at everyone who passed. I made small talk with a guy who couldn't get into his office due to carpet cleaning: "Well that inhibits the work you want to do, doesn't it?" I said.

Then the supervisor came out and told me to go into her office. The guy to whom I had spoken earlier introduced himself as the Director of Academic Programs. Oops! We started talking. Then the supervisor returned. The Director and Supervisor asked for copies of my resume, of which I providentially had two. We talked for 30 minutes and they asked if I could go to training the next day if I got hired. I quickly ran through my schedule in my head and calculated that I could if I canceled my other interview. "Yes," was my answer.

"We'll get back to you today," they said.

And I left. As I left, I prayed, "God, if they offer me this job, I think I'll take it. If you don't want me to take it, don't let them call me."

I got a call on my way home, a mere 15 minutes after I interviewed. Ironically, this was also the day that a third agency, with whom I had scheduled an interview months ago, told me they had no open positions. The door that had remained open for so long, shut firmly. I had hardly approached the door of this second job, and God swung this door I had not known wide open. I briefly conferenced with my family when I arrived home, and with no red flags, I accepted the college guidance position, canceled my other interview, and packed for training the next day.

That, friends, is the story of how I got my job, of doors closing and opening, and of a God who has a greater view of my life than I myself do. I've got a lot to learn, but thanks be to God, I've got a job.