In Defense of the Traditional Female Gender Role

If you would have told me I'd be saying this a few years ago, I would have said, "No way." If you would have told me I'd be married even a few years ago, I would have said, "Nah." But things change. People change. And so while what I'm about to write may shock a few people, it's a result of the above mentioned ability to change. And this is it: Maybe a woman's place really is at home.

I always railed against the idea of the domestic housewife. I wanted to do more. Be more. I felt that being "just" a housewife was menial, demeaning. I subscribed to the biblical idea of complimentarian gender roles, in that I needed to submit to men in leadership, and a husband if I ever had one, but thought I could do that and be an aspiring career woman. Well that changed.

I returned to my full-time (plus!) job just two weeks after my husband and I got married. I attempted to keep the same pace and focus, but things just weren't the same. I wanted to work, wanted to help, but also wanted to be home to care for my husband. I felt very guilty when I got home after him or had to have him make dinner because I was late. He was totally willing to help cook when he could, but I felt that as a wife, cooking was my job.

I had career aspirations, things I wanted to do and accomplish. I still have them, kind of. I have things I want to do and explore. I like learning. All pales in comparison to wanting to be a good wife, though. Career takes at least second place, if not third or fourth or lower.

My husband has taken on some of the household chores as we've been married longer. He says it's only fair if he has time and I'm working full-time. That makes sense, but marriage isn't all about fairness. I know that household chores aren't my husband's favorite. It blesses him if I do them. I want to bless him.

The more I talk to wives and moms, the more I find women in the same situation as me. They find that they cannot work full-time and keep up with their house and family as they want, so they work part-time. One woman told me that she lost all career motivation when she got married and subsequently became a mom. She might still work, but she is not as interested in the prospects. Several of the bloggers I follow had dramatic career changes after marriage and child bearing. It's a trend.

Marriage changes things. Marriage changed (and is changing!) me. I like working. I think I might be bored if I stayed at home all day and didn't see an outside soul. But I don't think work is what I was created to do as a wife. Home is where my heart is. Even if/when I am working that is my place, and that is where my greatest focus lies.

Identity Change

If I am honest, I have always held some criticism of women who only wanted to be wives and mothers. My own mother was a stay-at-home mom, but she was also a skilled nurse before answering the calling to motherhood. I went to college wanting a family, but set on the idea that I was not there to get an Mrs. degree, but a degree so that I could work and make a difference in the world. And get that degree I did, plus another one, all before I got married, and really before I had decided that I wouldn't get married.

Around age 30, I had pretty much settled on being a career woman, caring for myself and the families of others, instead of having a family of my own. Then my husband came along. After we started dating and got engaged, I still planned to be a career woman. I didn't see work changing that much. But slowly, subtly, it did, maybe not the actual work or my desire to do it, but my focus and my priorities. Suddenly, my husband became my first priority, with work and everything related to it paling in comparison. I felt it was my duty to be home to clean and do the laundry. I wanted to arrive home in time to decompress and make dinner and be present before he came home from work. I wanted to be less harried and more focused.

My job and my career haven't changed. I still work full-time, and am gone more than 40 hours a week due to my commute. But my perspective has changed. My perspective on my job is that I work to have an income, pay bills, and provide for what my job needs to provide for. My goal is to go to work, do a good job, and come home, hopefully with a little left to give. I haven't been great at this, but I am working on it. I still care about people. I still desire to help and serve others and their families, but my primary focus is helping and serving my husband. He is my one and only.

My shift in priorities requires more boundaries and less flexibility when it comes to work. It requires me to continue to surrender my vision of a career path and let my husband and God lead the way. It requires me to find my identity in Christ and in who I am coupled with my husband  (since Scripture says that married people are one flesh). God led me to my career. God led me to marriage. I'm not sure exactly where the two callings converge, but I do know they've resulted in, and are continuing to cause an identity change. May I walk in that change. May I watch. May I wait. May I be faithful as I continue to become who God is shaping me to be.

What it Means to Wait

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I've endured many seasons of waiting in life, and now I feel that I am in another one: hoping and waiting and wishing for a less stressful, less busy, calmer, easier corona virus free life. I am blessed to be stressed, blessed to be stretched, blessed to have a way to keep working in all this, but I've been so tired.

A friend and I were discussing our careers the other day, about our desires to get to a place where this ministry of helping others to somehow become easier, more sustainable. But then I read in Psalm 38 about waiting. The Spirit impressed upon me that sometimes we wait because the next thing is not here yet, or because we are not ready for it. We long for the future, but yet God calls us to live right now. And then the commentary I listened to on Psalm 40 talked about waiting on God meaning also waiting on God's timing. That convicted me.

If I believe in God's sovereignty, if I believe that God is who He says He is in the Bible, I must wait. I must trust in God's timing. I must be faithful in this season, even if I long for a different one. God is teaching me. God is growing me. May I not forsake the cultivating of life here, even as I long for another one. And may I ultimately long for heaven where I will see Jesus face to face.

I Care About Kids...

...but I'm not a mom.

Let me explain. I work with kids. I am growing to love it. Kids matter. The kids I work with are "my kids" even if I have not birthed them. But that doesn't make me a mom.

I have been repeatedly asked if I am a mother this past year. The lady at the pottery shop asked me if I planned to have another child when I was out with my "kids." (I had to clarify that I was not their mother.) The librarian asked me if I had kids when I was perusing the children's section looking for a book. (Nope! My life just revolves around kids and I needed a resource.) The lady in the church bathroom told me that I'd have beautiful kids after I'd responded to her other questions that I didn't have kids and needed a husband before I would. The woman in the pew next to me asked about my interest in marriage and told me I was cute and she hoped I'd find someone. (I assume she hopes I'll have kids, too.) The nail salon owner asked me if I had kids when I was there before Mother's Day to purchase a gift certificate for a friend's birthday. (When I said, "No," he clarified that I look like I'm 19. Thanks, but I'm not.) One kiddo recently asked if I wanted kids. They reported that I'd be a good mom because I'm nice and say, "Please use the magic word." Maybe all the time I spend with kids is beginning to give me a persona.

I'm not a mom, and I'm not sure I can be a mom and do the work I do. I might want to be an adoptive mom someday, but that's another topic for another day. For now, know I care about kids, but that I cannot replace their mothers. Moms have a special and unique role, and that isn't my my place . My role is to help, and encourage, and support. My role is to help children and families become more whole.

I care about kids, and I don't have to be a mom to do it.

*I'm linking up with Amanda at Running with Spoons for this Thinking Out Loud post.