Maybe We Should Pray...

Maybe you've seen the memes. There have been quite a lot of them going around about Astronomer CEO the JumboTron at a ColdPlay concert caught Astronomer CEO Andy Byron in a compromising situation with his HR chief (Levy, 2025). As my husband wisely pointed out: You cannot expect to keep a relationship private when you take it to the public arena. Or as my parents taught me growing up: "Be sure your sins will find you out." At some point sooner or later, a person continuing in a pattern of sin will be found out. It was true for OJ Simpson, who was never found guilty of murder, but still ended up back in jail for another crime (Seeman, 2024). It is true for Ruth Chepngetich whose marathon record seemed too good to be true, and probably was, now that she has tested positive for a banned substance. And it's true for us (Grez, 2025). No pattern of sin will permanently go uncovered, or unpunished.

Scholars debate whether or not John 8:1-11 should be in the Bible. It is probably a true story, but not canonical (Jenkins, n.d.) Still, it has lessons to teach us, particularly verse 7 "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her" (English Standard Version, 2016). I need to judge sin as sin, but I also need to realize that the same sin lives in me. Perhaps before judging others and making fun of them, I need to ask the Spirit to judge my own heart.

After discussing the Astronomer situation with my husband I felt conviction that I needed to pray for that man, too. Yes, he sinned. Yes, he got found out. But he has a wife and a family and friends and relatives. This is not a one shot take-down. This is a family that is going to struggle and suffer: a family that needs salvation and redemption. Then there is the woman and her friends and family. They all need Jesus. We all need Jesus.

Come at me if you want for maybe being too soft on sin, but you know what? God has been gracious with and merciful towards me. Jesus saved me from my sin and continues to cover the sins I continue to commit, sometimes because I want to, and sometimes because they come out of my innate sin nature. When I see things like the Astronomer CEO scandal, I want the Spirit to convict me to search my own heart, to confess and pray against sin, and then to pray for and against the sin of others, as well as for their redemption. It's easy to judge, but maybe we should pray instead of doing the modern version of casting stones and making memes.

References:

English Standard Version. (2019). Bible Gateway. https://www.biblegateway.com/versions/English-Standard-Version-ESV-Bible/#copy

Grez, M. (2025, July 18). Women’s marathon world record-holder Ruth Chepngetich provisionally suspended after testing positive for banned substance

CNN. https://www.cnn.com/2025/07/18/sport/ruth-chepngetich-suspension-banned-substance-spt

Jenkins, C. (n.d.). Why we are not preaching on the woman caught in adultery. Christ Community. https://cckc.church/can-i-trust-that-the-bible-has-been-accurately-preserved/

Levy, A. (2025, July 18).  Astronomer CEO Andy Byron placed on leave after viral Coldplay kiss cam video. CNBC. https://www.cnbc.com/2025/07/18/astronomer-andy-byron-coldplay-kiss-cam.html

Seeman, M. (2024, April 11). After 'trial of the century,' OJ Simpson spent prison time, rest of life in Las Vegas. 24 News. https://nbc24.com/news/nation-world/after-trial-of-century-oj-simpson-spent-prison-time-rest-of-life-in-nevada-death-cancer-las-vegas-robbery-case-lovelock-prison-parole-probation-bruce-fromong-alfred-beardsley

Self-Control and Self-Care: Not Mutually Exclusive

I have heard several things about how self-control is punitive and that what we need instead is self-care. I don't think self-control and self-care have to be mutually exclusive, though. Sometimes I think that we have to practice self-control (a fruit of the Spirit) to have appropriate self-care. Maybe the issue lies within definition of the terms.

What is self-control? According to the Bible, it is part of the fruit of the Spirit, demonstration that the Holy Spirit lives within a person and controls the person (Gal 5:23). The Greek Word here refers to mastery of desires and passions, that is, saying , "No" to the wrong, and "Yes" to the right. (Blue Letter Bible, n.d.). Psychology defines self-control simply as "the ability to manage one's impulses, emotions, and behaviors to achieve long-term goals" (Psychology Today Staff, n.d.). There is less moral distinction here, stating that self-control just helps a person make choices that benefit him or her long-term. Either way, self-control requires decision and action.

What is self-care? The Bible does not reference self-care specifically. It does encourage believers to care for self and others, though (Faith Filled Food for Moms, n.d.). Self-care is more of a mental health term defined as "the practice of individuals looking after their own health using the knowledge and information available to them" (Global Self-Care Federation, 2023). In this way, self-care is self-tending.

The Interrelationship. The definitions of self-control and self-care overlap in the area of decision making. Some bloggers, podcasters, and writers disagree, though. Paige Schmidt (2017) does not say that the two are mutually exclusive, but portrays self-control in a pejorative sense, saying that "Self-care refuels you and gives you MORE energy and self-control drains you and takes AWAY your energy." Be the Change (2021) says something similar. Using self-control to do things that are not beneficial is negative for one's health. But using self-control to practice good things (eg sleep hygiene, good nutrition, etc.) might be necessary for self-care.

If we define self-control negatively, as in forcing oneself to do something the person does not want to do, that might not benefit the person's mental health. As Kris (n.d.) says, "When we force our bodies into a state that is unnatural and potentially even detrimental...our body [and I might add, soul and spirit] will retaliate." If self-control is done positively, as in saying, "No" to behaviors that drain the person, and "Yes" to filling and energizing behaviors, the two might go together. As Mistie (2017) writes in Simply Convivial, sometimes we need discipline, to "replace [old habits with new, better habits, and] redirect our minds to right ruts rather than bad ones." That self-discipline might include the decision-making of self-control.

Not Mutually Exclusive. Fueled by Holy Spirit wisdom, I believe that self-control and self-care go together. In fact, I think they need to go together. We need wisdom to practice appropriate self-control in ways that help, rather than hurt. We need wisdom to care of ourselves appropriately, in ways that equip us to live healthy lives rather than enable us to continue in unhealthy habits. Self-control and self-care. Let's pursue them both for the good of ourselves and the glory of God.

References:

Blue Letter Bible. (n.d.). Lexicon :: Strong's G1466 - egkrateia. https://www.blueletterbible.org/lexicon/g1466/esv/mgnt/0-1/

Faith Filled Food for Moms. (n.d.). 22 awesome scriptures for practicing self-care -- Free printable. https://www.faithfilledfoodformoms.com/22-awesome-scriptures-to-know-for-practicing-self-care/

Global Self-Care Federation. (2023). What is self-care? https://www.selfcarefederation.org/what-is-self-care

Kris. (n.d.). Choosing self care over self control. Healthy Mama Kris. https://healthymamakris.com/choosing-self-care-over-self-control/

Mistie. (2017, December 13). Simple Convivial. Repent. Rejoice. Repeat. https://simplyconvivial.com/2017/self-control-self-care/

Psychology Today Staff. (n.d.). Self-control. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/self-control

Schmidt, P. (2017, April 19). The difference between self-care and self-control. Live Brightly. https://www.paigeschmidt.com/the-difference-between-self-care-and-self-control/

Real Life Marriage: I Wanted to Give Up

I wanted to give up. I think many married people get to that point, but I didn't think I would. But there I was, sitting at the stoplight thinking that I was ready. I wouldn't fully give up, of course. I had a covenant marriage. I couldn't get out, but I might just stop fighting for my marriage. It was hard. It had been hard. Nothing seemed to be working. I might just give up.

It had been a long, hard season. We could not seem to communicate without conflict. I took what he said wrong. He got frustrated. We failed at resolutions. We were not very unified. I was hurt, wounded. I had been hurt too many times, I reasoned, to keep trying. I would just do my wifely duties, be a servant, but not really be in it. Maybe that would be easier. Relating, working at things was just too hard.

But as I sat there at that stoplight, I heard the Father whisper, "But I don't give up on you." And it dawned on me then that no, I couldn't give up. Marriage is supposed to image Christ and the church, and if God didn't give up on me, I couldn't give up either.

When I went home that night, things were not miraculously different, but my heart was different. God had humbled me, cajoled me, reminded me of truth. I had to act on that truth, or disobey. It's been over a year since that revelation and things are not perfect, but praise the Lord, they are oh, so much better.

Funny how mindset changes things, because I am not sure how much I consciously changed, other than my attitude, but slowly, things in our marriage changed. I am not sure if we did things differently, or my heart was just soft enough for God to move and mold. Whichever the case, I am thankful. Thankful that God did not, and does not give up. Thankful that God's strength is always great enough to help me persevere. Thankful that what doesn't break you makes you stronger. To God be the glory. Amen!

What I Can Change

There's a lot of things in life I would like to change right now. Most of these things I can't change. My husband likes to say that he can't change the situation, but he can change his attitude about it. I'm not even sure I can do that. I have a lot of emotions, and too often, they can get the best of me. I have realized one thing I can change, though. I can change the direction of my thoughts.

When there are things I would like to change, I usually ruminate on them. I think about how unfair it is that the things won't change. Or I dream of what life might look like if the things do change. Or I blame someone (or myself) for the situation. None of these trains of thought are helpful. They just entrench my sadness and anger and anxiety. The emotions overwhelm me and can lead me to states of near (or actual) panic.

As I have learned more about attachment, I have realized that God is the only true security I have in this life. He is my refuge (Psalm 16:1). I can rely on Him no matter how life or life's situations change. Therefore, I have been seeking to direct my thoughts towards Him. When things come up that I would like to change, things I would like to be different, I am choosing to think about God fulfills my longings for security. I am endeavoring to meditate on God as my perfect helper, God as my peace, God as the one who always approves of me (because of Jesus!). Ultimately, nothing I can do in this life really matters. Jesus changed the world, and thinking of Him matters, and helps my life matter.

Directing my thoughts towards God and His attributes does not change situations. It does not change my emotions. I still feel them, all of them. Thinking of God and His perfection, though, disrupts my negative thought spiral. It keeps my brain out of panic mode because I am reminded of my eternal safety in Christ. It helps me look less towards people to meet my needs and more towards God.

Have I perfectly initiated this change of thought pattern? No, but it's a change that I know I can make with the Holy Spirit's help. I've tried a lot of quick fixes before. This one, I hope is permanent, because it directs me to the One who cannot change. Secure in Him, I pray I weather changes better, however and whenever they may come in this life.

Convicted...By a Mug!

I have a mug that reads, "Trust the process." The other morning, it convicted me. Yes, the mug, I mean God, by way of my "Trust the Process" mug, or maybe I should say mugs, plural, because I used it in conjunction with my "Mrs." mug. I felt the Spirit's nudge asking me, "Do you 'trust the process' for marriage? Do you trust God's process for marriage?" I want to be a good wife. I want to be a godly wife. I want to be those things now, and I am not. That's because marriage is a process.

Marriage is a process of getting to know each other. Marriage is a process of learning one another's likes and dislikes. Marriage is a continual process of figuring out how to communicate in clear and kind ways. Marriage is navigating the ups and downs of life, loving one another all the while. Marriage is learning (and accepting) family backgrounds. Marriage is explaining and exploring values. Marriage is laying down pride and becoming selfless. None of these things happen overnight.

Marriage is a process, God's process, and ultimately one of sanctification. Does God need marriage to sanctify people? No. He can do it by his very Spirit. For me, though, in my season and in my lot in life, marriage is one of the ways that God is conforming me into his image. May I accept this process. May I be patient in it. May I trust it. Ultimately, may I trust the originator of this process, for only He can continue to perfect it in me. 

Real Life Marriage: Where is My Sin?

I got really super frustrated about something the other night. I knew that it did not matter in the sense of eternity (in fact, I had just listened to a podcast about priorities in light of eternity), but I was still really irritated. So I started asking, "Where is my sin?" "Where is my sin?" At first, I could not figure it out. I felt like the matter at hand was a matter of preference, a matter of comfort. I needed and wanted it, but it was not necessary, so why could I not let it go? As I continued to think and ponder, I realized the issue at hand was that I was feeling unsafe in my circumstances. An issue? Yes. But the sin associated? Looking to people, places, and things instead of God for comfort. That was a bigger issue.

In the course of my marriage thus far, I have realized time and time again that I can seek comfort in my husband instead of in God. My husband is a tremendous gift and a source of comfort, but when I make him the source of comfort, I place him in the role of God, which is not his place. Then, when my husband does not do all that I expect him, too. I get really upset, sad, and angry. I need to rely on God first, and then as God directs, allow my husband to give some comfort.

There is a place for sharing with my husband my needs for comfort and safety. Before God, he has some responsibility to caring for me. Assessing how well he is doing, though, is not my primary job. When I find myself feeling uncomfortable or unsafe, my job is to ask, "Where is my sin?" I need to ask the Holy Spirit to convict me of what I am idolizing and confess and repent. Might my husband have sin? Yes, but dealing with his sin is not my job. My job is dealing with my sin. May the Spirit help me do it.

Walk in Obedience.

No lie. Life has been hard lately. First it was the move and a new job and all those stressors. Then it was the pandemic and the shutdowns, and then more shutdowns; fears and worries and lack of fellowship, new mandates. Now there's the ongoing stress of not knowing what is to come, coupled with the residual effects of angst not fully processed. I am tired. I question how to be faithful, how to go on. Don't get me wrong. I want to be faithful, but it's just so hard sometimes.

I define faithfulness for myself as genuineness, staying true to who I am, staying true to the Lord, staying committed to my husband, exercising caution and care, staying in my lane, and ultimately, just being responsible with the things put in front of me. But that's part of the hard. The responsibilities I have right seem so many and weigh heavily on me. I often don't feel like I know where to turn or what to do next. I heard a podcast recently about faithfulness, though. The speakers defined faithfulness as "an outcome of obedience." What if faithfulness is a lot simpler than I've been thinking? What if faithfulness means one thing instead of many things? What if I can just obey God and everything else will follow? Decisions in life might be a whole lot easier!

But how do I obey God? Is that nebulous, too? Well, God gave me His word, the Bible, and it is sound and right in front of me. Some of its commandments are pretty clear:

-"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength....Love your neighbor as yourself" (Mark 12:30-31, New International Version [NIV]).

-"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" (Prov 3:5-6).

-"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thess 5:16-18).

I think faithfulness is right in front of me. I think faithfulness is right within me through the indwelling Holy Spirit. I think I've been over complicating things, and faithfulness is simply walking in obedience to God and letting the chips fall. Obedience doesn't make life easy, but it gives me a clear path to follow. That path is not my own, but God's, and His way is the best. Always has been. Always will be. Praise Him.

What it Means to Wait

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I've endured many seasons of waiting in life, and now I feel that I am in another one: hoping and waiting and wishing for a less stressful, less busy, calmer, easier corona virus free life. I am blessed to be stressed, blessed to be stretched, blessed to have a way to keep working in all this, but I've been so tired.

A friend and I were discussing our careers the other day, about our desires to get to a place where this ministry of helping others to somehow become easier, more sustainable. But then I read in Psalm 38 about waiting. The Spirit impressed upon me that sometimes we wait because the next thing is not here yet, or because we are not ready for it. We long for the future, but yet God calls us to live right now. And then the commentary I listened to on Psalm 40 talked about waiting on God meaning also waiting on God's timing. That convicted me.

If I believe in God's sovereignty, if I believe that God is who He says He is in the Bible, I must wait. I must trust in God's timing. I must be faithful in this season, even if I long for a different one. God is teaching me. God is growing me. May I not forsake the cultivating of life here, even as I long for another one. And may I ultimately long for heaven where I will see Jesus face to face.

Dying to Self: The Lenten Fast

Lent is upon us once again. I've practiced Lent since my second or so year of college, and here I am again, convicted that I need to fast, and yet not wanting to do it. Fast from Instagram of my own accord? Done. Fast from sugar for a month? Did that, too. But somehow when it comes to Lent and the things the Spirit asks me to fast from, it's hard, really hard. Lent is 40 days. Forty days feels like forever. And giving up things just to give them up feels so punitive. I don't like it. But I engage in Lent anyway.

My natural opposition to Lent shows me why I need to fast. My sacrifice of the small things of life for 40 days are nothing compared to the great cost Jesus paid when he gave his life for mine. My sinfulness and selfishness and pride become apparent when I recognize how unwilling I am to give up anything for the One who gave up everything. The difficulties of fasting itself show me how attached I am to earthly things and how I idolize comfort over worshiping Jesus. My feelings show me how much I need a Savior, and needing salvation is what Easter is all about. Easter is about life. It is about Jesus' death and resurrection to give us eternal life. It is about Him coming to give us life to the full (John 10:10). Hallelujah for that!

So here we are, day one of dying to self. I'm praying for Holy Spirit strength. May I remember Jesus and His sacrifice in this process. May fasting prompt me to reorder my life according to the cross. May I walk the barren road to Calvary and fall down and worship at Jesus' feet for the abundant life He gives. Amen.

Thoughtful, But Unkind

I've always thought of myself as a thoughtful person. But the Holy Spirit has shown me lately that thoughtfulness and seeing the needs of others does not always equate with kindness. Though I may be a thoughtful person, able to see the needs of others, I am very unkind.

Case in point: The other night in the shower, I kept turning up the water hotter and hotter. I knew I was running the water tank low, leaving my husband with only cold water, but I did it anyway. I chose my comfort over his. In the same manner, I often see the needs of others, but steel myself against them, sometimes because I don't want to dig deep to see if I can meet those needs, sometimes because seeing the needs hurts me, sometimes for other reasons. In most cases, my selfishness comes to light.

I am not Jesus. I cannot meet the needs of everyone, but I can be kind. And I should be more kind. But I'm not getting there myself. And being self-righteous about how thoughtful I think I am isn't going to help me.

Having the Spirit show me how great a sinner I am is painful. It is shaving down of my pride. But the more I realize I am a sinner, the more I realize I need Jesus. And maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. Jesus is the only truly thoughtful and perfectly kind human. He is the only one who can meet all our needs. May I ever more look to him as the Spirit forms me in His likeness.

Real Life Marriage: The Hardest Thing

(Photo by Arris Affairs)

Two months. That's how long we've been married. It's been wonderful and super painful. It's been joy-filling and heart-wrenching. The hardest thing? The loneliness. And no, it's not because of my husband. It's because of me.

I've felt lonely these past two months. Lonely for the old me. Everything about marriage and being a wife is new. And it's good and growing and beautiful. But sometimes I long for the old me, where I knew a little more about life, or at least in hindsight, thought I did. I long for the comfort and safety of routine and my way. I honestly sometimes long to be selfish and not have to think about anyone else. I long for the times I thought I knew how to love people. I rue the painful, yet productive pricks the Spirit gives as I learn to love the new person who is permanently in my life.

I've felt lonely. Lonely for my parents. The whole leaving and cleaving thing wasn't as hard as I expected in terms of forming a new family with my husband. I enjoy marriage and all of its adventures. But I had no idea how much I relied on my parents until I left them. Now I have to rely on my husband, and though that's a good thing, it's hard and painful. I find myself grieving the parent-child relationship I had, even as I rejoice in the new bonds Chris and I are forming with my parents as a couple.

Marriage is tough. Not because of fighting or relational tension or discomfort so much as because of the way it exposes my flaws. My loneliness has exposed my great need for God, and for Him to be first above all else. My loneliness has exposed my sin and my need for sanctification. My loneliness has exposed my selfishness and my struggle to really love another human fully and completely.

Marriage is good and growing. I thank God for it, and for my husband. And I thank my husband for being patient and gracious and kind to me as I deal with these things that are hard, and that I never thought would be as hard as they are.

To God be the glory. Great things He hath done (and is progressively doing).

All People Have Value. Some Have Priority.

"All people have equal value. Some have more priority." I talked about that with at least two people yesterday. And today, I had to practice what I preached. I set some boundaries at work, and honestly, I felt bad for saying, "No" to coworkers and families. But I also knew I needed to say, "No" to preserve energy for the people that are the most important. And guess what? When I came home, my parents needed me to help them run some errands and take care of some business things for them. 

Were my coworkers or the families I said, "No" to today any less valuable than my family? No. All people have equal value because God created them in His image. But some people do have more priority, especially in this season of my life.

Brene Brown in her book, Daring Greatly, talks about an exercise to help determine whose opinions matter. She suggests taking a one-inch by one-inch square of paper and writing down names of people who you love and who love you. They are who matter, she says. Right now, my square of important people might be even smaller than one-inch by one-inch. But you know what? That's okay. As long as I'm clear about the people who are my priorities, and I make them my priorities.

Boundaries suck sometimes, but they keep the good stuff in, and the less than good stuff out. The people on the other side of my boundary fence right now are as equally valuable as the people on my side. But the people on my side have priority. And if I keep throwing myself over the fence to save the people on the other side, I'll lose all energy for the ones closest to me.

So here's to acknowledging the worth of all people, but asking the Holy Spirit for help to prioritize my people. It's a battle, but one worth fighting.

I Don't Deserve This...

I've been overwhelmed with well-wishes, kind cards, and sweet sentiments in this season leading up to our wedding. Thank you to all who have encouraged us and prayed for us! Your words mean a lot.

In this time of well wishes, however, I sense a need to set something straight: I've done nothing to "deserve" Chris or marriage. At best, I've repented of my many sins and invited the Holy Spirit to do His ongoing work of sanctification in my life. I've committed to follow the Lord and tried to honor Him with my life. At worst, I've moaned and groaned. I've lamented the life God has given me. I've been discontent. I've complained. I've questioned God to the point of borderline doubting His sovereignty. I've been jealous and angry and bitter. The thing I really deserve is God's righteous wrath. To say I deserve anything else would be improper theology. And to say I deserve the blessing of marriage because of the way I've lived would be to tell all my beautiful single friends that they're not doing something right. I refuse.

I am an imperfect person. Chris is an imperfect person. But God, in His grace, has brought us two imperfect sinners to the cusp of a union that can  conform us individually and corporately into the image of Christ. That's a blessing. That's a privilege. And it's a blessing and privilege that can only come from God and that will take God's infinite power to make it work.

I don't deserve any of this...but God. God deserves everything. To Him be ALL glory!

Enjoying Instead of Expecting

I had a little bit of a crash and burn birthday the first year I was home. I had big expectations for the day, not necessarily in terms of gifts and celebrations, but in terms of what I wanted to do.

But then I got a little cold. My parents ran late. The restaurant I wanted to go to had a long wait. My blood sugar got low and I got hangry/chicken little syndrome. I demanded that my parents take me home, and I didn't eat anything but a quesadilla and carrot sticks for dinner. (This isn't great, I know, but the truth.) Eventually we rescheduled the dinner date and celebrated, but the whole thing kind of put a damper on my birthday.

You would think I learned from that experience, but this year, I felt expectations rising again. I didn't want a big celebration for my birthday. (In fact, I told my parents that.) But I specific ideas of how I wanted things to go.

And the Spirit convicted me. I had all these expectations. I was falling prey to fear. I was getting anxious and irritable and overall not nice. I felt the Spirit say to me, "Stop expecting. Starting enjoying."

That really loosened my grip on things. By God's grace, I was able to let go a little and go with the flow. And the day really went well, which was a blessing. But maybe the greatest gift was being able to relax, and live, and enjoy instead of expecting. God is good.

Trusting God, Trusting Others, Trusting Myself

I struggle with trusting God. And I struggle with trusting others. I struggle to trust people when they say they're willing to do something for me. I struggle to trust others when they says I'm really not bothering him or being a burden. I think I struggle to take what other people say at basic face value. And I struggle to trust myself. I think it's all related.

I struggle to trust God and let Him have control. I struggle to trust and believe and act on the truth that God is good. So I don't always believe that people are good. I don't trust my own feelings, or my own body, or the Holy Spirit insight God has given me. So I push and wrestle and struggle and flail. And it's not great...at all, for my faith, or my relationships, or my health.

So I'm working on trusting God, trusting others, trusting myself. I know I won't ever arrive at complete trust, but I need to work on growing it. Because trust is bedrock for everything that's good in life, and solace in everything that's not. 

Look Where You're Going

"Walk on," you say to the horse and give it a little squeeze with your heels. You think the horse should move, but it doesn't. And then your instructor says, "Look where you're going, and the horse will follow." You unglue your eyes from the saddle horn and squeeze again. "Walk on," you say, and the horse starts moving in a forward direction.

Where the eyes go, the life follows. That's a lesson I've learned time and time again, both in my years working with horses, and in my life in general. And lately, the Holy Spirit just keeps driving that message home. You've probably noticed the theme of perspective in some of my recent posts:

Instead of looking for dysfunction, God is teaching me to look for health, because in so doing, I celebrate life and find more joy.

Instead of getting down on myself, I am learning to treat myself as a child of God, so that I can give love to others.

And there's more:

There was the sermon at church about how we need to focus not so much on the fact that we sin, but on what we do when we sin, because it's our response that drives our forward motion. "Put all your effort into living for the glory of God," the pastor said, "and it will be harder to do the things you do not want to do."

I'm reading a book about marriage by John Piper who says we need to focus less on the benefits of marriage and more on the God who created marriage and holds it together. Otherwise, marriage can become an idol, and when that happens, marriage can fail.

Another book reminded me to focus on strengths, rather than weaknesses in relationships, because gratitude and appreciation is what makes relationships thrive.

In my work with kids, I've found that helping them focus on their good decisions promotes positive identity development, helps them make more good decisions.

Hebrews 12:1-2 says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God" (New International Version, NIV).

Eyes on the prize. Look where you're going. Don't ignore the bad, or the pain, or the sorrow, or the poor choices, but look in the direction you want to go. Seek out the good. Your life follows your focus.

Lessons Learned from a Power Outage

It had been an exciting day, and I had my evening all planned out. I was going to research a few things on the internet, take a hot shower, eat a nice leisurely snack while reading the newspaper, and go to bed early or on time (a novelty these days). And then the power went out.

I was ticked. Power is a first world luxury, but I wanted it, needed it. I felt angry about having to walk around the house use my cell phone as a flash light. (I was blessed the phone was charged.) I felt disgruntled that I couldn't use internet. I wanted light for my shower. I felt I deserved my routine after the busyness of the day. I felt I needed that nightly set of habits to be safe. In my anger and frustration, I even prayed for the power to come back on. It didn't.

I obsessively checked the power outage map on my cell phone. It said power restoration at 12:24 am, but would update every five minutes. I checked every five minutes, or less. No changes. I debated not taking a shower, but decided against it. I needed a shower, even if it wasn't how I wanted it. The Spirit convicted me that I was looking to earthly things for comfort when God was my comfort. Things therefore, weren't going to change.

So I took my shower, got my snack, and started trying to read the newspaper by hurricane lamp. I put my phone away. I didn't finish my internet research. Finally, I got to a place where I was almost content. And then right before I went to bed, the power came back on. That was a blessing, as I rely on a box fan for white noise, and I needed power for that. But to be honest, I was a bit miffed. I lost "my evening" for the power outage, and now I really needed to go to bed. So I tried to cultivate a spirit of thanksgiving and gratitude and go to sleep.

I think I'm seeking the Lord, walking in His ways, and relying on Him, and then little things show me I'm not. Oh, how I need the grace of God, every hour, every minute, every breath. He's my Power Source.

"Good Enough" and the Golden Rule

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I always took this verse to mean that I needed to serve others more than myself. In my younger days, I would sometimes take it to an extreme of being a martyr or an ascetic. I sometimes thought I should be less feeling and more of a doormat for people.

As I've grown in my faith and in my work as a counselor, however, I've realized that the way I feel about myself affects how I treat others. When I feel less than, not good enough, or down, I am less likely to see the needs of others. I feel less love in my heart. I am more irritable and easily angered. I am susceptible to anxiety. I perceive the actions of others toward me as more negative. I tend to be unforgiving and bitter.

Conversely, when I know who I am in Christ, when I accept my identity as a beloved child of God for whom Christ died, I have more love in my heart for others. I forgive more easily. I am happier and more able to spread joy. I can serve better.

I'm not promoting self-aggrandizing pride or narcissism or egoism, but I am challenging myself to consider where I'm at when I don't like how I'm interacting with others. Often, I need to examine my heart to see what's internally wrong and resulting in externally wrong actions. I need to ask Christ to ground my heart and cleanse me of my sin. I need to ask for Holy Spirit power to forgive myself. I need to feel God's love so I can give it to others.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." 

For me, that means treating myself with the care that Christ does, so that I can then go out into the world and treat others as close to how Christ would treat them as I can. I'm a perfectionist, but certainly not perfect, after all. This is why the way I treat myself needs to be grounded in my God-given identity, not in how "good enough" I feel on any given day.

Ride the Waves

I've been telling myself lately that emotions are like waves. They come, and they go, and then they're over. This perspective has helped me, until it didn't.

One Thursday night after work, exhausted and tired, overstretched and overspent, I hit a wall and descended into a really dark place . I didn't feel good enough. I wasn't thinking positive thoughts. I honestly wanted to give up on life, though I had no plans to actually end my life. I couldn't stop crying. It was awful. Miserable. Isolating. Alienating. Lonely. It wasn't a wave of emotions. It was a tidal wave, or maybe even a tsunami.

The people in my life didn't abandon me or give up on me. They didn't pressure me, but they didn't leave me alone, either. They were there for me and with me. That gift of presence and acceptance was a blessing. But even though I knew I could talk to them, I struggled to do so.

The breakthrough for me came Monday morning when I read Romans 12:6, “We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us” (New International Version, NIV). The Spirit showed me that I was comparing myself, comparing myself to others, to my ideal self, to the person I thought I should be. And that's not the way God's economy works. He made me, me, and I need to live in and walk that, "with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me” (Col 1:29). That realization was so freeing for me. It totally changed my perspective and brought me back to my real self.

Ride the waves. That's a good perspective, until the waves are too big to ride on your own. That's where reaching out for and accepting help come in. Because when you can't ride the wave, you need someone to tow you to shore, to bring you home.

Flip The Script

Prepare for the worst

Hope for the best

Won't you steady my heart

For whatever comes next?

~King and Country, "Need You More"

I generally consider myself an optimist, a person who looks at the bright side of things, a person who sees the glass as half full, who always holds hope. I've been convicted lately, however, that I might not be as optimistic as I think. When times are good, I'm wondering when they'll be bad. When relationships are healthy, I'm afraid to give thanks, for fear that this will lead to a prideful fall and rupture. When I have ample financial resources, I act as a miser, for fear that one day the money won't be there. When I have time off work, I let myself get overwhelmed with home details, or fear of going back to work. When days are sunny, I wonder when the rain will come. I find that I have a tendency to label life as hard, instead of seeing it as good. In so doing, I miss the joy of the moment, and I can end up sabotaging myself.

Now that I've realized what I'm doing, I'm trying, by the Holy Spirit's power, to view life as more of a privilege than a struggle. I'm trying to be present in the now instead of looking so muhc into the future. I'm trying to give thanks instead of worrying. Life is good. God has blessed me. Sure, there are hard parts of living, but that's not the substance of life. There is so much worth celebrating. So many good things worth recognizing and further pouring into.

Let's flip the script, shall we? Instead of looking for dysfunction, let's look for function. Instead of living with foreboding joy* about the future, let's celebrate the now. Let's rejoice and give thanks, for when we have God, we always have good.

*Credit for this term goes to Brene Brown and her books.