In the midst of rapid rises in the number of COVID-19 cases in my county, I have been contemplating my own mortality with increasing regularity. I ask myself:
-Have I done everything I wished to do?
-If I die, will my husband have what he needs?
-Do I want a DNR?
-Do we need a will?
These thoughts nearly bring me to tears. But then I remember that COVID-19 is not a terminal diagnosis. I don't even know for sure that I've been exposed to it yet. It isn't a sure death knell.
As I thought further recently, I thought of the verse, "To live is Christ, and to die is gain" (Philippians 1:21). I pictured myself at heaven's door, with my life being weighed on the scales. I saw the weight of my sin thud my side of the balance to the floor. But then I saw the weight of Jesus' perfect sacrifice land on the other side, catapulting my sins far, far away. (Psalm 103:2 says that God removes our sins as far as the east is from the west.) That comforted me. Should I go, when I go, I know where I am going: to heaven, a place where no trace of COVID-19 or its wrath remain.
COVID-19 is serious. We are taking precautions we can, but we still may get it. But even then, COVID-19 it isn't a sure killer. You know what is the death knell? Sin. We're all infected by it. We all test positive. Sin separates us from God here on this earth and in the life to come unless we have a relationship with Jesus.
Maybe this seems a bit serious or even preachy, but seriously, if you don't know Jesus, take care of it now. I have. We're all going to die, of COVID-19, or something else. And if we die without Jesus as Savior, we're going to experience even greater suffering than we currently have.
So please, if you don't know Jesus:
-Repent of your sins.
-Believe in Jesus and his perfect atoning sacrifice for salvation.
-Confess that Jesus is Lord.
Do this today. Do it before COVID-19 or something else takes you from this life. Salvation by grace through faith in Jesus is the only thing that can save you from the sure death knell of sin.
Two months. That's how long we've been married. It's been wonderful and super painful. It's been joy-filling and heart-wrenching. The hardest thing? The loneliness. And no, it's not because of my husband. It's because of me.
I've felt lonely these past two months. Lonely for the old me. Everything about marriage and being a wife is new. And it's good and growing and beautiful. But sometimes I long for the old me, where I knew a little more about life, or at least in hindsight, thought I did. I long for the comfort and safety of routine and my way. I honestly sometimes long to be selfish and not have to think about anyone else. I long for the times I thought I knew how to love people. I rue the painful, yet productive pricks the Spirit gives as I learn to love the new person who is permanently in my life.
I've felt lonely. Lonely for my parents. The whole leaving and cleaving thing wasn't as hard as I expected in terms of forming a new family with my husband. I enjoy marriage and all of its adventures. But I had no idea how much I relied on my parents until I left them. Now I have to rely on my husband, and though that's a good thing, it's hard and painful. I find myself grieving the parent-child relationship I had, even as I rejoice in the new bonds Chris and I are forming with my parents as a couple.
Marriage is tough. Not because of fighting or relational tension or discomfort so much as because of the way it exposes my flaws. My loneliness has exposed my great need for God, and for Him to be first above all else. My loneliness has exposed my sin and my need for sanctification. My loneliness has exposed my selfishness and my struggle to really love another human fully and completely.
Marriage is good and growing. I thank God for it, and for my husband. And I thank my husband for being patient and gracious and kind to me as I deal with these things that are hard, and that I never thought would be as hard as they are.
To God be the glory. Great things He hath done (and is progressively doing).
"Walk on," you say to the horse and give it a little squeeze with your heels. You think the horse should move, but it doesn't. And then your instructor says, "Look where you're going, and the horse will follow." You unglue your eyes from the saddle horn and squeeze again. "Walk on," you say, and the horse starts moving in a forward direction.
Where the eyes go, the life follows. That's a lesson I've learned time and time again, both in my years working with horses, and in my life in general. And lately, the Holy Spirit just keeps driving that message home. You've probably noticed the theme of perspective in some of my recent posts:
Instead of looking for dysfunction, God is teaching me to look for health, because in so doing, I celebrate life and find more joy.
Instead of getting down on myself, I am learning to treat myself as a child of God, so that I can give love to others.
And there's more:
There was the sermon at church about how we need to focus not so much on the fact that we sin, but on what we do when we sin, because it's our response that drives our forward motion. "Put all your effort into living for the glory of God," the pastor said, "and it will be harder to do the things you do not want to do."
I'm reading a book about marriage by John Piper who says we need to focus less on the benefits of marriage and more on the God who created marriage and holds it together. Otherwise, marriage can become an idol, and when that happens, marriage can fail.
Another book reminded me to focus on strengths, rather than weaknesses in relationships, because gratitude and appreciation is what makes relationships thrive.
In my work with kids, I've found that helping them focus on their good decisions promotes positive identity development, helps them make more good decisions.
Hebrews 12:1-2 says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God" (New International Version, NIV).
Eyes on the prize. Look where you're going. Don't ignore the bad, or the pain, or the sorrow, or the poor choices, but look in the direction you want to go. Seek out the good. Your life follows your focus.
I generally try to present my best self on social media. I prefer pictures where my hair looks at least half done, makeup covers my blemishes, and I'm smiling. But that's not real life, friends. Some days, plenty of days, I barely comb my hair, have a face covered in acne, and am still wearing PJs or workout clothes by midday. I wouldn't say those things make me ugly, though. What makes me ugly is my heart.
People often think I'm a "nice girl" or a "goody two shoe" because I'm a rule follower. But guess what? My heart can be evil and wicked. I envy. I wish harm to people. I gripe. I moan. I discourage. I don't pray. I grasp for control. I worry. I curse. People don't always know all this, because these things generally happen inside me, but these sins are ugly. And often I act ugly. I have a short temper. I get easily irritated. I speak unkindly. I'm pessimistic. I'm not or good company.
Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (New International Version) That is certainly true of my heart without Jesus. It is only because of Jesus and the redeeming work of the Holy Spirit that there is anything good in me. It is only because of being in Christ that I am metamorphosing into a new creation (2 Cor 5:17).
I do want to be beautiful. Let's be honest, I want to be beautiful on the outside, but I recognize that is only superficial. What the Spirit within me desires is that I cultivate inner beauty, because that is what lasts. And so in a spiritual sense, I also want to be beautiful, to have a "gentle and quiet spirit" instead of worry and envy and discontent, to be brave and "not give way to fear" (1 Pet 3:4, 6). Because as I do these things, the ugliness of my heart fades, allowing the beauty of the Spirit to shine. And that is true beauty, a kind of beauty that lasts!
Life is a lot sometimes. And it just seems to throw at us more than we can take. Sometimes the things that come are consequences of our own sin. Sometimes they are consequences of the sins of others. And sometimes, they're consequences of the sinful world we live in. And they're all hard.
It's easy to do what I deem sitting in a puddle and crying. Life is overwhelming and we just want to quit. But that's not necessarily a godly or beneficial response. The best thing to do is to put one foot in front of the other and do the best we can.
Sometimes the best you can looks like getting out of bed in the morning. Sometimes it looks like taking a shower, getting dress, eating. Sometimes it looks like confessing sin to others, to apologizing to those you've hurt, to making amends. Often, it looks like doing things other people don't understand and having to be okay with it.
Life is a journey and sometimes timing doesn't make sense. But as Dr. Colleen Reichmann says, "Just because you're taking longer than others doesn't mean that you've failed." Healing is hard. Healing takes time. Recovery requires effort, and sometimes all we have to give is all we have to give. We just have to do the next right thing.
As God said to Gideon, sometimes we have to "go in the strength [we] have" (Judges 6:14) and trust that it is enough. Not enough for yesterday. Not enough for tomorrow. Enough for today. Enough for right now.
Go in the strength you have. It's what you've got. It opens us up to what God's got. And it's easier for God to move an object in motion than it is to move one stuck in a mud puddle.
I recently posted this photo of a 5K medal I received on Instagram. I almost didn't. I didn't want to boast. I didn't want to seem arrogant or proud or stuck-up. I was just thankful, and happy, and I guess proud of myself for what my body accomplished, but not in an, "I'm better than you" way.
(This is the medal I received in the mail from September's Patriot Run.)
I consulted with my mom before posting, and she said she thought it was okay. I put a lot of stock in what Mom says, so I posted. But I mulled over the issue of pride all night.
When is it appropriate to be proud? When is pride a sin? The Bible doesn't seem clear, calling pride a sin in some situations, but then using it to describe belief and self-confidence in other situations. Take a look at the verses below:
Proverbs 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.
Proverbs 11:2
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.
Proverbs 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.
Romans 12:16
Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.
2 Corinthians 7:4
I have spoken to you with great frankness; I take great pride in you. I am greatly encouraged; in all our troubles my joy knows no bounds.
Galatians 6:4
Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else.
Is pride just bad when it preoccupies a person? When it begins to put self above others and God? When is it okay to be proud? Billy Graham's website says, "the kind of pride the Bible condemns is a pride that puts ourselves first, and leaves God out of the picture." Maybe that's why I tagged my Instagram post #thankful.
I struggle with extremes, as noted in my many posts about perfectionism. I think this is another area of it. I want to be a perfect Christian, to not come near sin. But in the process, I often demean myself. I don't give God gratitude for things He allows me to accomplish, like winning a medal in this 5K. And when I obsess about trying to be a perfect Christian by avoiding any possibility of sin, I feed into the lie that I can be good enough to earn my salvation. That says Christ's sinless sacrifice wasn't good enough to cover my sin. I don't even want to go there.
Where am I settling on pride? I am settling on the idea that it is okay to be proud of accomplishments, to give God glory for the ability to get things done on this earth. It's wrong to be proud and stuff things in the faces of others, to demean God's created beings by pretending I'm better than them. But it's also wrong, and prideful, to not share God's goodness, to hide His gifts and pretend like that makes me holy. It doesn't. It makes me stingy and ungrateful and lacking in confidence to do what God wants me to do.
So friends, where are you? What has God allowed you to accomplish? Celebrate it. Talk about it. But just don't forget to remember the God that got you there.
