Conflict in Marriage

The longer I am married, the more I am convinced that conflict in marriage is inevitable. But like how much? And how much can we avoid it? Or better yet, what can we do to mitigate it, or even prevent it? But maybe that's not the right perspective. Maybe I need to think about conflict differently.

A lot of conflict in marriage comes from miscommunication. I heard a stat from Greg Smalley (2013) on a podcast recently, and he cited the statistic that "70 percent of communication is miscommunication" (p. 81). Wait, what? Yes, that means the majority of communication is inaccurate. When I think of it that way, especially when I think of conflict in marriage, I have to think about conflict differently. If we're miscommunicating, maybe I need to see that as an opportunity, an opportunity to practice communication instead of something to be avoided.

Ryan and Selena Frederick of Fierce Marriage talk about conflict as opportunity for intimacy. Conflict is uncomfortable, often very uncomfortable, but if we commit to working it out, we learn more about each other in the process. We learn more about each other's hopes and dreams (Gottman & Silver, 1999). We learn more about one another's hurts and triggers for hurt. We learn to care for one another better. The conflict itself is not comfortable, but the results of working through it can be very comforting.

Marriage researcher John Gottman (2019) does not shy away from conflict. His research shows that "most of our relational conflict is not resolvable" and "relationships work to the extent that you have a set of perpetual problems you can learn to live with.” Conflict gives us opportunities to know one another, and to express unconditional positive regard, acceptance, and love for the other person. Conflict is going to happen. We just have to decide how to handle it.

I have not been able to fully change my perspective on conflict yet. I still don't like it, and really, I don't need to like it. When it happens, I just need to take a deep breath, and see what I, we, can get out of. Conflict is the soil of opportunity. I just have to decide what to grow there.

Reference:

Gottman, J., Gottman, J.S., Abrams, D., and Abrams, R.C. Eight dates: Essential conversations for a lifetime of love. Workman Publishing.

Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. Three Rivers Press.

Smalley, G. (2013). Fight your way to a better marriage: How healthy conflict can take you to deeper levels of intimacy. Focus on the Family. 

I Can Only Change Me.

I can only change me. Try as I might to exert my will, my way, it doesn't work. What I want might seem to be best, but what do I know? Only God knows. I can only change me.

Jesus talked about judging others when he walked the earth. "'Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?'" He asked (Matt 7:4, New International Version). "'How can you say to your brother, "Let me take the speck out of your eye," when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye'" (vv. 4-5). I have a LOT of planks in my own eyes: failings, fallings, falterings, and just plain human weaknesses. So who am I to judge? Expending my energy on someone else is not going to change anything. I can only change me.

Sometimes, it seems that my own weaknesses and fears are actually what sensitize me to judging, too. As Lisa Bevere shares about her own marriage in her book, Unrivaled, "[His] imperfections were exposing mine on a much grander scale than I imagined possible." I think that is the case with a lot of relationships. Their failings expose mine, and in big ways. I cannot change them, though. I can only change me.

It's hard, even painful, to realize that I have so many failings, that I have so little control. By God-given design, though, I do have some control. I have control over myself through the power of the Holy Spirit. I can only change me. God can only change me. May it be so.

References:

Bevere, L. Without rival: Embrace your identity and purpose in an age of confusion and comparison. Revell.

When Tragedy Strikes

Members of our extended family suffered a tragedy, a terrible tragedy, a little over a month ago. The details are not mine to share, but the effects on my husband and I are. I have said that life is hard. Well this was a whole new level of hard, but one that provided perspective nonetheless. Though I would never, ever wish this tragedy on anyone, I am grateful for the things it revealed to us.

Tragedy revealed our priorities. My husband had to make some hard decisions in the matter at hand. I had to make decisions about whether or not I would support him, or whether I would go my own way. I was stressed. I was scared. I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to go seek support for myself. But when seeking that support meant choosing between my husband and my own wants and desires, by God's grace, I was able to choose my husband. He also chose me. Praise the Lord!

Tragedy reminded me of the need for grace. I am not a very patient person. I want what I want when I want it. I have some understanding, but I fail to give grace with it, especially to my husband. This tragedy softened my heart. Praise God, it made me want to have more grace, show more grace. I pray it will continue.

Tragedy gave me new eyes. I looked at material things differently. I pondered what really matters. I considered what would happen if I lost "everything," and what it would take to rebuild. I considered the greatness of God as refuge. 

Tragedy made me more grateful. I was able to see more as a gift, even as I realized that all is a gift. I entered this world with nothing and will leave this world with nothing except my soul. I could due to have this perspective more often.

Tragedy brought about good. As I wrote initially, I would never, ever wish tragedy on anyone, but we saw, in very tangible and powerful ways, God bring about good through ours. We saw redemption and restoration. We clearly saw God's provision. Grieving brought to our marriage new levels of intimacy and oneness. We longed and prayed more deeply for the salvation of those we love. Against the darkest of backgrounds, the joys of life, and life eternal gleamed brighter. We looked forward with more eagerness to the day of Christ's return, when all things would be made new, when there will be no more mourning or crying (Rev 21:4-5).

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When tragedy strikes, we have choices. Will we let it teach us? Or will will wallow in our sorrow? Will we look for joy, or will we nurse our pain? Will we reach out or reach in? Will we seek God or curse Him? Will we rejoice in life forevermore or more fully pursue a hedonistic enjoyment of the things we have? Choices. Tragedy seems to take them from us, but in reality, it sets more clearly the choices of life before us. What will we choose? 

And Then There's the Rainbow.

As I look at the April calendar and cross off each day, I note the dearth of activities. The events I've crossed out. The mind-numbing way the days have run together. And then I see the photo above the days. The rainbow over the canyon. The sign of God's promise. A sign of lessons learned. A sign of waiting. A sign of hope that there is a better tomorrow. 

The days of waiting and struggle aren't over yet, but surely some good is coming from them. There is much less traffic on the way to work. (Yes, I still go to work, because I work in an essential field.) The world is quieter. There is less pollution.

We got invited into a small group at church. Friends have made more of an effort to connect. I've had to recognize again and again how weak I am and how much I need God's grace, and then the grace of others. I've had to ask my husband for a lot more help, and he has gladly given it.

There's nothing really to do on weekends, so I've been resting more. All my races were cancelled or postponed, so I took a break from running. There aren't all the foods I want at the grocery store, so I've been forced to cook more creatively.

I wouldn't (and didn't) choose this time. I have certainly felt a lot of sadness and grief. I may feel a lot more. There are so many cancelled plans already, and maybe more to come. But then there's the rainbow. 

God is still working. God is still teaching. God is still acting. May we look in awe toward Him.

Sugar Free January? Absolutely Not!

Many of you know that I prefer to be a person of balance. I don't like diets or absolutes or restrictions. I prefer to be intuitive. But this January, after seeing the challenge on Pinch of Yum, I decided to go off sugar, like absolutely. I don't normally eat a lot of sugar to begin with, andnd I usually prefer to sweeten with honey or maple syrup if I can. But I'd noticed myself getting a lot more attracted to sweets, to the point that I realized I was looking to food for comfort, instead of to Jesus my Savior.

So I cut sugar out. I stopped taking chewable vitamins that contained sugar. I checked every condiment I used at home and if it had sugar, I left it off or out (think Worchestershire, sriracha, mustard, etc.) I tried to skip food I knew could have sugar when eating food at work (bread, salad dressing, etc.) I didn't eat homemade bread I made that had a little sugar for sweetener, and I certainly the cookies I made for my husband. I thought I was doing pretty good.

And then I heard on a podcast that table salt contains sugar. I panicked. What? I'd worked so hard to avoid sugar, but I hadn't avoided salt. I'd used it both in recipes and at the table. I went home and checked the label and sure enough, there is dextrose (aka sugar) in iodized table salt. Why? I googled it, and it turns out dextrose is a preservative. So I'd been eating sugar all along, albeit in small amounts.

I was tempted after gaining that knowledge to give up my sugar fast, but I'm stubborn, and I didn't. I wanted to cave again when it got to be January 31st and I made cookies for my husband. Why not indulge? It was the last day of January anyway. But I stuck to my guns. I wanted to binge eat (a negative side effect of fasting) everything sugar (chocolate, cake, cookies, etc.)on the first of February, but by God's grace, I just enjoyed some of this lemon chocolate chip cake.

So what did I learn from Sugar Free January?

-Sugar is in a lot of things.
-Living in a world of absolutes is really difficult, if not impossible. (I can only imagine what it is like for people who absolutely have to avoid certain foods due to allergies.)
-Sometimes when I want sugar, I am just hungry.
-I am capable of finding snacks that taste good or meet a need and don't contain sugar.
-Reintroducing sugar (so far) has really had no ill effects. I just feel best when I eat sugar after I have other food in my stomach (which I already know, but had reinforced by this challenge/experiment/fast).

My biggest takeaway:

Sugar isn't really as evil as some people make it out to be.

Sugar isn't the be all, end all. It's A comfort, not THE comfort. It can be an extreme, but it doesn't have to be. It's a preservative and a flavor enhancer, so it actually has uses. I won't die or even feel that bad if I eat it (or don't).

All in all, Sugar Free January was a good reminder to me to let God be God, people be people, and allow balance to fluctuate in its meaning. 

Maybe I'm stirring up a hornet's nest with saying I don't believe sugar is evil. But I don't. I believe sugar is a good gift from God that's meant to be enjoyed in moderation (1 Tim 4:4; Jam 1:17). May I partake of it as such.

The Other Shoe

We had enjoyed a good morning at church. We had just eaten lunch and I was looking forward to a nap and an afternoon of rest. And then the knock came, "Can you check your hot water heater?" Our neighbor asked. "There is a leak downstairs."

My husband went to work, and sure enough, our water heater was leaking, big time. We'd just had a series of major expenditures, and now this.

"Great," I thought. "Now I won't get a nap. Now we have to spend more money. When's the next shoe gonna drop?"

My husband did a lot of draining and mopping and cleaning. And then we went to Home Depot. We realized we could not fix the problem now, so he put in a temporary fix and at his insistence, I lay down to take a late nap. As I lay there, I thought, 

You know, maybe it's good when the other shoe drops. That firmly plants both my feet on the ground. I know more about what I'm dealing with and can take it to the Lord in prayer. I can start learning how to cope. I can call on others to pray with me. I can ask for help.

That thought was extremely comforting then, and continues to be now. Maybe I need to stop fearing the other shoe. Maybe I need to work more on grounding myself in God and in His word. 

When's the next shoe going to drop? Who knows. Life is full of struggle, and always will be until Jesus returns or calls us home. But God, in His word, promises to provide for all of our needs. That's firm ground, ground I want to stand on with both feet.

Look Where You're Going

"Walk on," you say to the horse and give it a little squeeze with your heels. You think the horse should move, but it doesn't. And then your instructor says, "Look where you're going, and the horse will follow." You unglue your eyes from the saddle horn and squeeze again. "Walk on," you say, and the horse starts moving in a forward direction.

Where the eyes go, the life follows. That's a lesson I've learned time and time again, both in my years working with horses, and in my life in general. And lately, the Holy Spirit just keeps driving that message home. You've probably noticed the theme of perspective in some of my recent posts:

Instead of looking for dysfunction, God is teaching me to look for health, because in so doing, I celebrate life and find more joy.

Instead of getting down on myself, I am learning to treat myself as a child of God, so that I can give love to others.

And there's more:

There was the sermon at church about how we need to focus not so much on the fact that we sin, but on what we do when we sin, because it's our response that drives our forward motion. "Put all your effort into living for the glory of God," the pastor said, "and it will be harder to do the things you do not want to do."

I'm reading a book about marriage by John Piper who says we need to focus less on the benefits of marriage and more on the God who created marriage and holds it together. Otherwise, marriage can become an idol, and when that happens, marriage can fail.

Another book reminded me to focus on strengths, rather than weaknesses in relationships, because gratitude and appreciation is what makes relationships thrive.

In my work with kids, I've found that helping them focus on their good decisions promotes positive identity development, helps them make more good decisions.

Hebrews 12:1-2 says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God" (New International Version, NIV).

Eyes on the prize. Look where you're going. Don't ignore the bad, or the pain, or the sorrow, or the poor choices, but look in the direction you want to go. Seek out the good. Your life follows your focus.

Ride the Waves

I've been telling myself lately that emotions are like waves. They come, and they go, and then they're over. This perspective has helped me, until it didn't.

One Thursday night after work, exhausted and tired, overstretched and overspent, I hit a wall and descended into a really dark place . I didn't feel good enough. I wasn't thinking positive thoughts. I honestly wanted to give up on life, though I had no plans to actually end my life. I couldn't stop crying. It was awful. Miserable. Isolating. Alienating. Lonely. It wasn't a wave of emotions. It was a tidal wave, or maybe even a tsunami.

The people in my life didn't abandon me or give up on me. They didn't pressure me, but they didn't leave me alone, either. They were there for me and with me. That gift of presence and acceptance was a blessing. But even though I knew I could talk to them, I struggled to do so.

The breakthrough for me came Monday morning when I read Romans 12:6, “We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us” (New International Version, NIV). The Spirit showed me that I was comparing myself, comparing myself to others, to my ideal self, to the person I thought I should be. And that's not the way God's economy works. He made me, me, and I need to live in and walk that, "with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me” (Col 1:29). That realization was so freeing for me. It totally changed my perspective and brought me back to my real self.

Ride the waves. That's a good perspective, until the waves are too big to ride on your own. That's where reaching out for and accepting help come in. Because when you can't ride the wave, you need someone to tow you to shore, to bring you home.

Staying In My Lane

"Stay in your lane." 

That was the advice my friend and internship adviser gave me time and time again when I worked with her. And she tells me that even now whenever I talk to her. That advice has come back to me a lot lately.

Most days, I want to be somewhere other than I am. I want to be fully licensed and good at my job. I want to own my own house and be settled and have my future all laid out. I'd like to get married. I'd like to be perfectly healthy and a model of intuitive living. I'd like to have more time to invest in church and things that matter. But right now I'm not in any of those places. I am where I am.

Staying in your own lane is important while driving. It prevents accidents and injuries and head on collisions. It makes sure you get where you're going.

I'd like to be better at my job, but right now I am young and inexperienced. I can't help that. I need this time to gain experience and knowledge.  Staying in my lane looks like staying the course, attending training, and being open and responsive to criticism and feedback.

I wanted to buy a house so badly, and I was extremely disappointed that it didn't work out. But now I see that living at home with my parents is good for me right now. Staying in my lane right now means living at home, paying minimal rent, saving what money I can, and really investing in family relationships.

I'd like to get married, but forcing that issue isn't going to get me into the kind of godly relationship that I want. Maybe God is preparing someone for me and me for someone, and I need to give it time. Maybe God is removing barriers to a good relationship from that guy's life and mine. Or maybe marriage is not a mile marker on this road of my life. Maybe the lane of life I am in is leading me to a destination other than that of having a husband and a family. I don't know. Staying in my lane right now looks like waiting, watching, and growing my relationship with the bridegroom of the church, Jesus Christ.

I am irritated about some of my health issues. I sometimes think I should start some intense workout protocol or diet to "fix" my problems. But then I think that I like my life and don't want to focus all my efforts on improving just my physical health. Instead, I need to stay in my lane and keep taking reasonable and moderate steps towards becoming holistically healthier, mind, body, soul, and spirit.

I get excited when I hear about good things going on at church. I want to jump on board and start helping, but I don't have the time or energy to commit to doing so. Staying in my lane looks like keeping up with my commitment to singing on worship team and being supportive of the other things happening. Maybe I will have the opportunity to get involved in the future.

Speeding gets you tickets. Comparison distracts. Passing can be dangerous. So I'm staying in my lane, driving at a reasonable pace and seeing where God takes me. He's the one who's got the road map for my life anyway.