Conflict in Marriage

The longer I am married, the more I am convinced that conflict in marriage is inevitable. But like how much? And how much can we avoid it? Or better yet, what can we do to mitigate it, or even prevent it? But maybe that's not the right perspective. Maybe I need to think about conflict differently.

A lot of conflict in marriage comes from miscommunication. I heard a stat from Greg Smalley (2013) on a podcast recently, and he cited the statistic that "70 percent of communication is miscommunication" (p. 81). Wait, what? Yes, that means the majority of communication is inaccurate. When I think of it that way, especially when I think of conflict in marriage, I have to think about conflict differently. If we're miscommunicating, maybe I need to see that as an opportunity, an opportunity to practice communication instead of something to be avoided.

Ryan and Selena Frederick of Fierce Marriage talk about conflict as opportunity for intimacy. Conflict is uncomfortable, often very uncomfortable, but if we commit to working it out, we learn more about each other in the process. We learn more about each other's hopes and dreams (Gottman & Silver, 1999). We learn more about one another's hurts and triggers for hurt. We learn to care for one another better. The conflict itself is not comfortable, but the results of working through it can be very comforting.

Marriage researcher John Gottman (2019) does not shy away from conflict. His research shows that "most of our relational conflict is not resolvable" and "relationships work to the extent that you have a set of perpetual problems you can learn to live with.” Conflict gives us opportunities to know one another, and to express unconditional positive regard, acceptance, and love for the other person. Conflict is going to happen. We just have to decide how to handle it.

I have not been able to fully change my perspective on conflict yet. I still don't like it, and really, I don't need to like it. When it happens, I just need to take a deep breath, and see what I, we, can get out of. Conflict is the soil of opportunity. I just have to decide what to grow there.

Reference:

Gottman, J., Gottman, J.S., Abrams, D., and Abrams, R.C. Eight dates: Essential conversations for a lifetime of love. Workman Publishing.

Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. Three Rivers Press.

Smalley, G. (2013). Fight your way to a better marriage: How healthy conflict can take you to deeper levels of intimacy. Focus on the Family.