A Letter to Friends Who Don't Share My Faith

Dear Friend,

I have something to say that might come as a surprise to you: You don't have to believe for me to be okay. Yes, you heard me right. You don't have to share my faith for me to be okay. Do I want you to share my faith? Do I pray for your salvation? Yes. But your belief or lack thereof does not effect my salvation.

You see, my friend. Christ died for all. His substitutionary atonement is sufficient to cover all of my sin and reconcile me to him. My salvation depends not on my proselytizing you or winning you to salvation, but on His finished work.

Sure, your lack of faith may cause me distress. I want to share eternity with you! My connection with Christ does not depend on your salvation, though. It depends on the presence of the Holy Spirit, which God the Father gifted me at the moment of my conversion.

What do I see as my job, then? I want to share the truth with you in love (Ephesian 4:15). I want to, with God's help, live out a faithful life before you. I want to allow God to comfort me when my heart hurts because you don't believe.

What don't I want to do? Take out my distress on you. Make you think that you have to believe to somehow pacify me or up my accolades in the kingdom. My faith is my faith. If you choose to believe on Jesus for salvation, your faith will be your faith. 

Our friendship, I believe, is because Christ put us in each other's paths. Will it be for your salvation? I sure hope so. But if it isn't, I still value you. I believe that you are a unique creation of God, saved or unsaved, and I want you in my life.

Inspired by:

Chef Kibby. (Host). (2025, February 12). Escaping the distress cycle. (No. 5) [Audio podcast]. In Hungry for connection. https://chefkibby.com/podcast/episode-05-escaping-the-distress-cycle

Real Life Marriage: Asking Instead of Assuming.

"I was doing this for you," He said. 

"And I thought we were doing this for you," I replied.

And there we stood at an impasse on the corner of the street, on a windy day in San Francisco.

I had asked to come to California to run a race, this is true. I thought that morning when I asked what he wanted to do for the day, though, that we could do something for him. He was insistent that this trip was for me, though so he had planned the day around what he thought I wanted to do.

The problem was that neither of us had asked what the other wanted. We thought we knew. He thought that I wanted to go to San Francisco. I thought he knew that I wanted him to take the day for himself. Our hearts were good, but our communication was not.

I am thankful that God blessed with me a husband who wants to do nice things for me. I hope that sometimes I can do nice things for him. In order for these nice things to happen, though, we have to communicate. We have the realize that we are not the other person, and instead of assuming, we have to ask what the other person wants. Yes, it is arduous. Yes, it is sometimes not fun, but it leads to more success in the end.

Thankfully, by talking out our missteps, we were able to salvage our San Francisco trip. We ordered a Waymo. We saw some sights. We ate sourdough at the famous Boudin Bakery. We took some pictures at Fisherman's Wharf. We went back to our hotel. 

Was it a perfect day? No. Was it a learning day? Yes. By God's grace, for our good, and to His glory, may we continue to do so. In Jesus' name, amen!

Real Life Marriage: Winners and Losers

I had a realization this past year. Winners and losers cannot coexist in marriage. We are both winners, or we are both losers.

When we communicate, or miscommunicate, sometimes I find myself trapped in a cycle of wanting to be right, of wanting my husband to understand. I don't necessarily need him to agree with me (or at least I don't think I do), but I want him to acknowledge my perspective, validate me. Sometimes he doesn't understand, or can't understand. It feels like we are both losers.

Other times, when we communicate, we learn from each other. We come to an understanding. We see something from the other's point of view. We are both winners, and it feels awesome!

I want to remember when we disagree that resolving our issues is about finding a solution where both of us win. It's not about me being right, or him being right, but about our marriage being in a better, stronger situation. 

We are both winners, or we are both losers. Instead of arguing, I hope we can continue to work towards understanding, instead of being right (Smith, 2021). I hope we can keep working towards solutions to our problems that we both feel good about (Focus on the Family, 2015). It's not easy, but there is a lot less conflict that when winning and losing divide us.

So here's to further work at communication. To vying for our marriage instead of competing for our own personal prizes. May God be glorified in our unified efforts.

References:

Focus on the Family. (2015, June 8). No losers. https://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/no-losers/

Smith, D. (2021, July 26). Winners and losers in marriage. Dr. Debi Smith. https://drdebismith.com/winners-and-losers-in-marriage/

Disagreement Doesn’t Have to Mean Conflict

I've been learning something lately, mostly in my marriage, but I think it applies to the rest of life too:  Disagreement doesn’t have to mean conflict. Yes, sometimes I need to get another person to agree with me, or I need to agree with them. A lot of the time, though, it is okay to differ, uncomfortable, yes, but okay.

So how do we keep disagreement from becoming conflict? Well first of all, we stand firm in our own positions. We know that believing differently does not mean anything good or bad about us as people. It just is. Secondly, we choose to value that person and that person's opinion. This helps preserve our respect for the person and not make the disagreement person. Third, we choose not to argue. If the conversation is headed there, we can just stop. We can agree to disagree, and just move on. Ultimately, we can accept the other person and that person's view. We don't have to like it, but we can accept it.

We fight in this country about a lot, a lot of things. Some of them are values issues. Some are ethics and morals. Some battles are worth fighting some are not. In marriage, we need to agree on some core issues and key tenets. In other less intimate relationships, we need to agree on less. And in society at large, we really do not have to agree at all. We can respect each other and disagree. Disagreement doesn't have to mean conflict.

So can we all agree to be a little more understanding? A little kinder? A little more considerate and gracious when people disagree with us? You do not have to like it. You just have to agree with it, and accept it.

Conflict in Marriage

The longer I am married, the more I am convinced that conflict in marriage is inevitable. But like how much? And how much can we avoid it? Or better yet, what can we do to mitigate it, or even prevent it? But maybe that's not the right perspective. Maybe I need to think about conflict differently.

A lot of conflict in marriage comes from miscommunication. I heard a stat from Greg Smalley (2013) on a podcast recently, and he cited the statistic that "70 percent of communication is miscommunication" (p. 81). Wait, what? Yes, that means the majority of communication is inaccurate. When I think of it that way, especially when I think of conflict in marriage, I have to think about conflict differently. If we're miscommunicating, maybe I need to see that as an opportunity, an opportunity to practice communication instead of something to be avoided.

Ryan and Selena Frederick of Fierce Marriage talk about conflict as opportunity for intimacy. Conflict is uncomfortable, often very uncomfortable, but if we commit to working it out, we learn more about each other in the process. We learn more about each other's hopes and dreams (Gottman & Silver, 1999). We learn more about one another's hurts and triggers for hurt. We learn to care for one another better. The conflict itself is not comfortable, but the results of working through it can be very comforting.

Marriage researcher John Gottman (2019) does not shy away from conflict. His research shows that "most of our relational conflict is not resolvable" and "relationships work to the extent that you have a set of perpetual problems you can learn to live with.” Conflict gives us opportunities to know one another, and to express unconditional positive regard, acceptance, and love for the other person. Conflict is going to happen. We just have to decide how to handle it.

I have not been able to fully change my perspective on conflict yet. I still don't like it, and really, I don't need to like it. When it happens, I just need to take a deep breath, and see what I, we, can get out of. Conflict is the soil of opportunity. I just have to decide what to grow there.

Reference:

Gottman, J., Gottman, J.S., Abrams, D., and Abrams, R.C. Eight dates: Essential conversations for a lifetime of love. Workman Publishing.

Gottman, J. & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. Three Rivers Press.

Smalley, G. (2013). Fight your way to a better marriage: How healthy conflict can take you to deeper levels of intimacy. Focus on the Family. 

Sharing Money

I was very adamant that my husband not know much about my money before we got married. After we got married, however, I insisted that I share all my accounts and even my credit cards with him. The bank demanded a marriage license for me to do this. The credit card agency warned me that adding my husband to the account that was previously mine did not give him any accountability, at least with the credit bureaus. I did not care. We were married, and we now shared everything.

Couples differ in the ways that they handle money. I am not here to say there is necessarily always one right way. Situations differ. I am here to make a strong argument for the importance of sharing money, however, and to encourage couples to consider it if they have not yet done so.

Sharing money cements a marriage. It puts some skin in the game. If we share money, we share ownership. If we share ownership, we share responsibility. It is not one person's job to manage the money, but both a responsibility for both spouses, and if marriage is two becoming one, this makes sense.

When we share money, we share accountability. Both of our expenses affect, well, both of us. We cannot spend in isolation and therefore impoverish the other. We also cannot spend in anonymity. The bank shows what and where we spend, preventing us from spending on things we shouldn't, and forcing communication when we do spend. We know from experience that increased communication benefits our marriage.

Sharing money not only promotes positive marriage habits, but promotes a positive marriage environment overall. How? Writer Shaunti Feldhan suggests that having separate accounts and having to negotiate money results in a 50% deduction in marital happiness (Fuller, Smalley, & Smalley, 2021). That's huge, and not something I want!

Does sharing money fix everything in our marriage? No, it makes some things hard, like buying each other gifts, like spending on things we want. Is it worth it overall, though? Yes. The unity, communication, and happiness it promotes are worth it. I would not have it any other way.

References:

Fuller, J., Smalley, G., and Smalley, E. (Hosts). (2021, June 24). Working through different financial priorities. [Audio podcast episode]. In Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast. 

https://www.focusonthefamily.com/episodes/focus-on-marriage-podcast/working-through-different-financial-priorities/

Good Communication: Self-Aware and Selfless

I have been expressing my needs a lot lately, specifically to my husband. I don't like it, but I have realized it is necessary. Why? Because my husband has no way to know what I need unless I tell him. Expecting him to read my mind is inherently self-centered.

My revelations about marriage continue the longer I am married, but this one came about in a specific circumstance. My husband went out of town and I asked him for a communication plan. Why? Because I felt like I bothered my husband with my communication the last time he was away. Because I wanted to stay connected with him. Because I know that I fear distance and constantly need reassurance. Because I believe that a good marriage requires continual communication. That is a research-based fact.

As I talked to my husband about how to communicate while he was gone, I realized that I was asking him to communicate with me, and not offering anything in return. I was expecting him to know when I might need or want communication, but not offering any feedback. Furthermore, I was not asking what he needed. How self-centered! The world does not revolve around me. I have to reach out if I want someone to reach in.

My husband and I worked on continual communication while he was gone this time. That required both of us to reach out, perhaps beyond our comfort zones. Our communication grew our marriage, though. It grew my awareness that we both have needs and that we both need to communicate about them. It is selfish to say I want communication and then never communicate. Good communication requires self-awareness, knowing my needs, but also selflessness--communicating those needs and looking out for the needs of my husband, too.

Committed to Conflict or Communication?

Dancing is the coordinated movements of partners in response to one another: steps forward and back, side to side, twirls, dips, etc. Communication in marriage is much like this, though sometimes less coordinated or choregraphed. We have a general pattern of movement, and we fall into this whether we like it or not. When we realize the pattern, though, we come to a decision point. Do we continue or same old dance? Or do we stop and try a different step?

I am a feeler. My husband in more of a thinker. Our personality differences contribute to our communication patterns. I hear and interpret with my feelings. My husband hears the facts. Our our worst days, I only feel, and he only thinks. This leads to continued collision on the dance floor. On our best days, I can reflect back what my husband says, and then tell him how I feel. This is a good first step, but then sometimes we get stuck. My husband says that what I heard with my feelings is not what he said. I say that I did hear what he said, but that I want him to hear my feelings. And back and forth we go. Unless we stop. Sometimes I need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and evaluate. Is this dance working? And if it is not, what is my role in the non-productive interaction? I can only control myself. I can only change myself. 

In my marriage, I find that I often get committed to conflict. I feel a certain way, and I want my husband to feel the same way! Or at least acknowledge it. But do I really need him to agree me with? Yes, I want him to acknowledge me, but I cannot control him. Often in our conflicts, the feelings I attach to what my husband says have more to do with me than with him. Sometimes they have to do completely with me. So I have to ask myself, "Am I committed to conflict, or am I committed to communication?"

It is sinful human nature to commit to conflict, to want and to even demand our own way. But is it beneficial? It is not for my marriage, so I have to make the choice, to abandon my need to be right, and to choose to actually tune in and listen to what my husband is saying. He gets to decide what he means with his words. Though not perfect, God has gifted him with a logical brain, and most of time, he says what he means. I can choose to believe my emotions, or believe my husband. One choice leads to conflict. One choice leads to communication, and exchange of information that could build our relationship. 

Marriage contains many dances. Communication is just one of them. In all of these dances, though, we have choices about where we commit ourselves. Do we commit to conflict, or to our relationship? Marriage itself is a commitment. We just have to decide how much we value it. Our dance steps, in communication, and otherwise, are indicative of where our values lie.

Reference:

Fuller, J., Smalley, G., & Smalley, E. (Hosts). (2022, February 8). Honey, what did you mean by...? [Audio podcast episode]. In Focus on Marriage Podcast. Focus on the Family. https://www.focusonthefamily.com/episodes/focus-on-marriage-podcast/honey-what-did-you-mean-by/

Real Life Marriage: Communication Is a Two-Way Street.

"I thought I told you," he said.

"I don't think you did," I replied. "Or maybe I didn't hear you." 

I'd been coming and going from place to place. Appliances just added noise to the fracas that sometimes is my life. Was my lack of knowledge his fault or mine? In the end, I realized that it really didn't matter. Maybe he had said something. Maybe he hadn't. In either case, I hadn't heard. Communication is a two way street, and if both sides are going, there is no exchange of information.

There are all sorts of reasons for miscommunication. Sometimes it is failing to speak. Sometimes it is failing to hear. Sometimes I say words, but do not say what I mean. Sometimes I hear words, but do not interpret them correctly. Clear communication requires effort, effort on behalf of both the sender and the receiver. Failure on either part means failed communication, and failure for both.

My husband and I are still working on our communication. I have a feelings it will always be a work in progress. By God's grace, we'll make progress, and Lord willing, instead of assuming something about communication in our next exchange, we'll actually communicate.

25 Christmas Conversation Starters

I'm trying to start a new tradition this year: doing something each day to get in the Spirit of Christmas. Time and money aren't always accessible, but we can talk about Christmas. To that extent, here are 25 questions to get you started. I plan to use these at family dinner, but please feel free to use as you see fit.

1. What is one Christmas food that is overrated?
2. Tell about a gift you were surprised to receive.
3. Tell about a time you were excited to give a gift to someone else.
4. Recall a time you were stunned by a display of Christmas lights.
5. Recount when you learned “the true meaning of Christmas.”
6. Reflect on whether or not you ever believed in Santa.
7. Retell a fond Christmas memory.
8. Have you ever experienced a white Christmas? If no, would you want to? If yes, when.
9. Tell the story of an awkward experience at a Christmas party.
10. Describe a Christmas performance you attended and enjoyed.
11. Name your least favorite Christmas song and tell why.
12. Tell your favorite Christmas carol.
13. Talk about how you have celebrated Advent in the past. If you have not celebrated, discuss how you will make room in your heart for Jesus this year.
14. Describe the Christmas trees you had in your house growing up.
15. Recall a Christmas parade you attended.
16. What Christmas treat makes you salivate?
17. When did your family open gifts, on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day? Describe that experience.
18. Did your family make a traditional Christmas dinner? If so, what was it?
19. What members of your extended family, if any, did you see at Christmas?
20. What is your favorite color and style of Christmas lights?
21. Describe any traditions you had around celebrating Christmas.
22. Where would you go for Christmas if you could choose anywhere?
23. Who is it important for you to talk to around the holidays?
24. Do you have any Christmas traditions with friends?
25. What was special about this Christmas?

–

What questions should I add to this list?

How are you and your family celebrating Christmas?

Please feel free to share in the comments.

Listen Without Being Defensive.

A few months ago, my husband and I started a habit of trying to focus each week on improving one area of our marriage. One of the areas we wanted to improve was communication. Being the detailed person that I am, I wanted a specific goal when it came to communication week, so I polled Google for ideas. I came upon "Keys to Effective Communication in Marriage" and decided to work on listening without being defensive. I didn't think I was that argumentative, but I figured it was worth a try. Trust God to bring about focus on an area of my life that really needs attention. 

I was defensive all week, starting with my marriage, and extending from there. I give my husband a rationale for almost every decision I make. My husband tells me I don't need to do so because he trusts me, but I do it anyway. When he shares news, I play the devil's advocate. I'm being defensive. I even read news to him in order to verbally combat it. Goodness!

When Arizona's COVID-19 numbers spiked, national criticism started rolling in. News syndicates bashed the state for its lack of preparations. High school friends who used to live here wrote on social media. I felt a need to write a blog post to defend myself and "my" state. Why? I had no need to defend. The numbers are what they are. My family and I are trying to be responsible. Seriously, the only reason I didn't write the post, though, because it was listening week.

My boss called me in for a meeting at the end of the week. I wasn't in trouble. He just wanted to give me feedback. I confess that I had all kinds of defenses for my actions rolling around in my head as we met, though. What I needed to do was listen and receive.

I went to write an e-mail to the people I serve at work, and I found myself wanting to defend my statements, making for a long and complicated e-mail. There was no need to defend. What the people  needed from me was information. I tried to keep this in mind. I wanted them to listen, not read and write their own defense.

The Bible says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." I didn't see myself as a confrontational person before this week. I hadn't considered that my words could be stirring up anger in others. Defensive words are not always gentle, though, so I am guilty. Listening without defense is a good suggestion for marriage, but really, it's a good suggestion for life. Perhaps if we could listen a little more, we'd all be in a better place, in our marriages, in our relationships outside marriage, and in the world overall.

Wasted?

My husband recently completed an experiment. He stuck a discarded carrot top in a pot of soil and watered it to see if it would grow. Lo and behold, it sprouted! After awhile, the sprouts died off. Whether that was due to poor growing conditions, lack of viability, inattention, or what, I don't know. That's besides the point. The point is that something grew.

I've been thinking about that carrot in terms of life. How often do the periods of our life that feel "wasted" actually produce growth? On the other hand, how often do we waste what seems meaningless or of no value? Take, for example, the time of being at home due to COVID-19 restrictions. Was it wasted?  It could be. Many of us, including me, spent too much time scrolling social media, laying around, being afraid, etc. in the early days. But then we had a choice: do something productive, or sit and stew. Some people were really productive, think small-business starting, home-organizing, amazing mom mavericks. I wasn't. In the space COVID-19 created, I did have some new realizations, however.

I realized the need I had for grace.  I realized how many little things I took for granted. I realized the privileges of using technology to communicate. I realized how my much my communication strategies still need work. I realized more how stress affects me and what I need to do up my self-care game. I realized that I was more tired and burned out than I thought. I realized that I need to ask for help just like the next person.

Was this "quarantine" season wasted? In some ways, it felt like it. I didn't get to do things I'd planned on doing for a long time. I was disappointed. I felt and still feel grief. But this was also a period of growth; a period of realizing what's essential, and what's not; a period of realizing I can make do with less than I think; a period of growth.

Is there waste in life? Certainly. But maybe there is less than we think. Maybe there are actually more opportunities for growth than we realize. Maybe we just need eyes to see them.

Things We Say, but Probably Shouldn't

"In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, But he who restrains his lips is wise" (Prov 10:19, New King James Version).

Oh, words. I believe they have power, but yet we throw them around so lightly:

The weather is bipolar.

I have a love affair with....
I'm not married to that.
That's so retarded.
Shoot me.
I bet....

Words these are, but words that have meaning. Words that could demean. Words that could have offend. Bipolar disorder is a real illness, one the weather can't have. And perhaps if I say those words in the hearing of someone struggling with this disorder, I belittle their battle. Love is a powerful thing. To say I love a thing, or even more so, to have an affair with a thing, can demean love, and be an affront to the very real and important love I have with my husband in marriage. Some things may feel stupid or dumb, but retarded is not a good descriptive word to use. I might argue it is never a good word to use. And talking about killing is dangerous, especially to little ears who may not fully understand sarcasm. The betting phrase? A kid at worked called me out on it saying, "We don't bet." Duly noted. Gambling is not a habit I endorse, and my words should follow suit.

Words have power, friends. Are you using them wisely? I know I am convicted that I need to attend to my own words a little more carefully. Some more restraint might be in order, both for the respect of others, and for myself.

Real Life Marriage: Our Relationship Still Needs Work

I am a counselor. We are two mature adults. We really don't fight. So I guess I thought at some point things would get easier. I thought we'd "arrive." Nope! This marriage requires work, and that's been especially evident over the past five months.

The longer my husband and I are married, the more I realize that marriage is not easy. It is a choice and a commitment. It is a process. We have to work at our communication. We have to work at honoring and respecting one another. We have to work at making joint decisions. We have to work at prioritizing. We have to work at spending time together. I cannot expect to ever reach perfection in any of these areas.. 

Five months is a short time. And yet, five months is a long time. We are already forming patterns and habits. We are "falling" in love more and more each day because we choose to do so. And as we do so, I find I need him more and more each day. The love in my heart grows exponentially, even in the hard.

Marriage is hard. It is sanctifying. It is refining. But I'm starting to think it's supposed to be that way. Our relationship needs work, but the work that it requires brings us together, binds us together. And that's what marriage is supposed to be: an irrevocable bond that images Christ and the church.

To God be the glory.

Why Communication Matters in Relationships

I asked my parents to take the Love Languages test earlier this year. Yes, I'm a nerd like that. But we'd had some conflicts and I wanted to know how to love them better. I figured the results of this test might help.

The results of the test weren't too surprising, but they were informative. And as I've reflected more on what I learned, I've realized that a key source of contention in my family relationships can be how we show love. Quality time is high for my parents, but low for me. Where I want to do acts of service to tell them how much they mean to me, they want me to spend time with them. When I rebuff their attempts to give me quality time, I hurt their feelings. When they don't recognize my acts of service or receive my words of praise, I feel in the wrong. But the issue really isn't about me. The issue is about mismatched love languages.

So how am I working to rectify this situation? Communication. I'm asking my parents what is important to them. Time is limited and I can't do everything with them, so I need to talk to them to learn what quality time looks like to them. And when they tell me something matters (or doesn't), I have to take what they say at face value and not over analyze. Then I have to give time to them to do the things they tell me matter. Similarly, I have to use communication to tell them when I appreciate what they do for me, or that their words of affirmation really encouraged me. They're working to tell me how I can benefit them with an act of service, and I'm working to receive their quality time. It's a give and take process.

Relationships are messy and hard, especially because people are so different. But that's a beauty of love, that we get to work on ourselves as part of our commitments to care for others who are unlike us. We grow as a result.

I sure don't have the love languages thing figured out, but I'm trying. And I'm learning that communication is key.