Listen Without Being Defensive.

A few months ago, my husband and I started a habit of trying to focus each week on improving one area of our marriage. One of the areas we wanted to improve was communication. Being the detailed person that I am, I wanted a specific goal when it came to communication week, so I polled Google for ideas. I came upon "Keys to Effective Communication in Marriage" and decided to work on listening without being defensive. I didn't think I was that argumentative, but I figured it was worth a try. Trust God to bring about focus on an area of my life that really needs attention. 

I was defensive all week, starting with my marriage, and extending from there. I give my husband a rationale for almost every decision I make. My husband tells me I don't need to do so because he trusts me, but I do it anyway. When he shares news, I play the devil's advocate. I'm being defensive. I even read news to him in order to verbally combat it. Goodness!

When Arizona's COVID-19 numbers spiked, national criticism started rolling in. News syndicates bashed the state for its lack of preparations. High school friends who used to live here wrote on social media. I felt a need to write a blog post to defend myself and "my" state. Why? I had no need to defend. The numbers are what they are. My family and I are trying to be responsible. Seriously, the only reason I didn't write the post, though, because it was listening week.

My boss called me in for a meeting at the end of the week. I wasn't in trouble. He just wanted to give me feedback. I confess that I had all kinds of defenses for my actions rolling around in my head as we met, though. What I needed to do was listen and receive.

I went to write an e-mail to the people I serve at work, and I found myself wanting to defend my statements, making for a long and complicated e-mail. There was no need to defend. What the people  needed from me was information. I tried to keep this in mind. I wanted them to listen, not read and write their own defense.

The Bible says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." I didn't see myself as a confrontational person before this week. I hadn't considered that my words could be stirring up anger in others. Defensive words are not always gentle, though, so I am guilty. Listening without defense is a good suggestion for marriage, but really, it's a good suggestion for life. Perhaps if we could listen a little more, we'd all be in a better place, in our marriages, in our relationships outside marriage, and in the world overall.