Committed to Conflict or Communication?

Dancing is the coordinated movements of partners in response to one another: steps forward and back, side to side, twirls, dips, etc. Communication in marriage is much like this, though sometimes less coordinated or choregraphed. We have a general pattern of movement, and we fall into this whether we like it or not. When we realize the pattern, though, we come to a decision point. Do we continue or same old dance? Or do we stop and try a different step?

I am a feeler. My husband in more of a thinker. Our personality differences contribute to our communication patterns. I hear and interpret with my feelings. My husband hears the facts. Our our worst days, I only feel, and he only thinks. This leads to continued collision on the dance floor. On our best days, I can reflect back what my husband says, and then tell him how I feel. This is a good first step, but then sometimes we get stuck. My husband says that what I heard with my feelings is not what he said. I say that I did hear what he said, but that I want him to hear my feelings. And back and forth we go. Unless we stop. Sometimes I need to take a step back, take a deep breath, and evaluate. Is this dance working? And if it is not, what is my role in the non-productive interaction? I can only control myself. I can only change myself. 

In my marriage, I find that I often get committed to conflict. I feel a certain way, and I want my husband to feel the same way! Or at least acknowledge it. But do I really need him to agree me with? Yes, I want him to acknowledge me, but I cannot control him. Often in our conflicts, the feelings I attach to what my husband says have more to do with me than with him. Sometimes they have to do completely with me. So I have to ask myself, "Am I committed to conflict, or am I committed to communication?"

It is sinful human nature to commit to conflict, to want and to even demand our own way. But is it beneficial? It is not for my marriage, so I have to make the choice, to abandon my need to be right, and to choose to actually tune in and listen to what my husband is saying. He gets to decide what he means with his words. Though not perfect, God has gifted him with a logical brain, and most of time, he says what he means. I can choose to believe my emotions, or believe my husband. One choice leads to conflict. One choice leads to communication, and exchange of information that could build our relationship. 

Marriage contains many dances. Communication is just one of them. In all of these dances, though, we have choices about where we commit ourselves. Do we commit to conflict, or to our relationship? Marriage itself is a commitment. We just have to decide how much we value it. Our dance steps, in communication, and otherwise, are indicative of where our values lie.

Reference:

Fuller, J., Smalley, G., & Smalley, E. (Hosts). (2022, February 8). Honey, what did you mean by...? [Audio podcast episode]. In Focus on Marriage Podcast. Focus on the Family. https://www.focusonthefamily.com/episodes/focus-on-marriage-podcast/honey-what-did-you-mean-by/