Self Care is My Responsibility.

I have never been especially good at self-care. I have become especially bad at it since getting married. It is not the fault of my marriage. In fact, my husband has been a vocal proponent of self-care. I just thought that my job as a wife was to sacrifice and be selfless, and it is, but I have been doing it to my detriment. I could not figure out how to separate self-care from selfishness, and I did not want to be selfish, so I tried to give up self-care. As you can guess, it did not work out well. I am learning that not practicing self-care actually leads to the kind of selfishness I wish to avoid.

I have many times felt like I needed permission to practice self-care. When I would vocalize this need, my husband would tell me that it was not a need. He already gave me permission. In fact, he encouraged me to practice self-care. That freed me up a little, but I still didn't endorse the idea. It felt selfish practicing self-care when I had responsibilities to do. I knew I had permission to do self-care, but I thought I needed time. Then my husband started intentionally doing more and more for me to try to give me time. I felt ashamed and not good enough to take time away from our daily duties, so I kept working. Self-care could wait.

I have put self-care on the back burner to the point that I do not function well, that my husband has to command me to stop doing what I am doing and stop. That is not the best way to have to practice self-care. It is a selfish way to practice self-care, too, because my actions are requiring my husband to stop what he is doing to take care of me. I have realized that although it is his biblical job to take care of me as the leader of our home, I also have a job in my care, and that is self-care.

My husband gets to know me better and better the longer we are married. He cannot read my mind, though. Only I know what is in my head. Only I know the mental signs that I need a break. To push past them is to disconnect from my body, leaving my head hanging and myself a less functional whole (Rosmarin, as cited in Macpherson, 2021). Only I know what I really need in a moment of tension or stress. My husband can offer ideas, but I have to make the choice. Ultimately, if I am not practicing self-care, I am emptying my husband (and possibly others; he is just the closest to me) of resources instead of giving to him, which is what I am supposed to do as his wife and helpmate.

I have come to the conclusion that self-care is my responsibility. I have to practice self-care to avoid selfishness and to be able to sacrifice. As marriage and family therapist Erin Smalley (2021) says, "It’s my job to make sure I'm full so I’m not serving up leftovers." Leftovers are great in terms of making for a quick bite to eat, not so great in terms of sustenance. My marriage needs sustenance. I need sustenance.

I may not be good at self-care. I may be rusty and out of practice. I may not always know what I want or need. I may feel guilty. These are all excuses, though. The fact is that I need an appropriate amount of self-care, to function in my calling as a wife, and beyond. So here's to learning, to following my husband's leading (he wasn't so wrong about self-care after all) and to getting better, for me and for my household as we seek to serve the Lord (Josh 24:15).

References:

Macpherson, G. (Host). (2021, August 16). "Dr. David H. Rosmarin. Ancient Jewish Wisdom for Modern Mental Health." In The Trauma Therapist. https://www.thetraumatherapistproject.com/podcast/dr-david-h-rosmarin-ancient-jewish-wisdom-for-modern-mental-health

Fuller, J. (Host). (2021, September 7). Listen to the metronome. [Audio podcast episode]. In Focus on the Family Marriage Podcast. Focus on the Family.