Real Life Marriage: Making Time

You make times for what's important. That's what my husband says. That's what our pastor says. My husband says that our relationship is important. The cleaning and cooking are "unimportant" comparatively. I agree, but the tyranny of the urgent often overwhelms me. Enter needs for a plan to focus on what's important for our marriage, dubbed in our home as "Ten Minutes."

What is "Ten Minutes?" It is ten minutes where we sit down together and focus on prioritizing quality time. We try not to administrate. Sometimes we share feelings. Sometimes we share thoughts. Sometimes we just sit and stare at each other, well, my husband more than me. I tend to struggle with silence.

How did we get to, "Ten Minutes?" Well, I remarked some time ago that I was trying to offer my husband love through all of the languages, except quality time, because I did not have it. He remarked that if that was the case, we needed to make time. So we did. We do ten minutes almost every day now. It is one of our non-negotiables.

Why, "Ten Minutes?" Many reasons. It forces us to schedule our activities such that we can have the ten minutes each day. Sometimes we have to put off tasks for it. Sometimes we have to stay up late. Keeping the time regular keeps us at it. My husband says that ten minutes is not the ultimate goal (i.e we often don't stop at the ten minute mark). The goal is connection. Research shows that ten minutes is a sufficient start (Walker, et al., n.d.).

Is "Ten Minutes" productive? Yes and no. In terms of visible productivity, no. I often have to put off tasks in order to engage in it. In terms of connection, yes. This makes sense, for as I hard Dr. David H. Rosmarin say, "Connection is the opposite of productivity" (Macpherson, 2021). Connection is productive for relational health. We want that, so we make time for it. Even if it is only ten minutes.

References:

Macpherson, G. (Host). (2021, August 16). "Dr. David H. Rosmarin. Ancient Jewish Wisdom for Modern Mental Health." In The Trauma Therapist. https://www.thetraumatherapistproject.com/podcast/dr-david-h-rosmarin-ancient-jewish-wisdom-for-modern-mental-health

Pioneer Press. (2011, January 18). 10 minutes of quality talk each day reconnects couples. Twin Cites.com. https://www.twincities.com/2011/01/18/10-minutes-of-quality-talk-each-day-reconnects-couples/

Walker, E., Darrington, J.; & Brower, N. (n.d.). Honey, I’m home: Strengthening your marriage ten minutes at a time. Utah State University. https://extension.usu.edu/relationships/research/strengthening-your-marriage-ten-minutes-at-a-time