I once tried to live a fun-free life. Not one of my finer times, as you will see, but you know what? It is probably time to write about it, because maybe other people have been where I was, wondering if trying to live an ascetic life would help put things back in order. Spoiler alert: It did not work for me.
Back in February, I was really struggling. I felt awful about myself, the world, and just life in general. Stress was high. I could not seem to keep up with everything on my plate. My husband told me to cut out things to make time for rest. I, in an act of defiance, decided to give up fun, and literally dubbed the month, "Fun-Free February" in my mind. What did fun-free mean? No Facebook (or social media in general). Only educational podcasts. No fiction reading. No fingernail polish. No flour (my Lenten fast). No French (learning via DuoLingo). No Fussing. That last one was my end goal. I was hoping to become a better person by eliminating fun things. I thought if I told myself I could not have things, maybe I would long for what I did not have less. No, just the opposite.
I found it hard to give up social media. I found that I had used it to distance and numb myself out from real life. Endless scrolling is not good, and that is where I found myself. Cutting that out meant, theoretically, more time, but also more felt pain. Having no where to go to take a break only made my mental health worse.
Since I gave up Facebook, I also gave up Instagram. Instagram was also a scroll trap, but something I realized that I also used as a creative outlet. Well, no time for that. I still took pictures, because that is what I do, but I realized I got joy from sharing, and well, I had one less opportunity.
I listen to podcasts a lot. I did not stop for February, but I did focus on only listening to learning podcasts. That made me miss the occasional, "just for fun," episodes thrown in. I started to like listening to podcasts less.
I rarely read fiction, but I made a focus to avoid it in February, only reading non-fiction, preferably Christian life books. No problems with that. I finished four books. I felt deprived, though, and reading became more stressful because of what I imposed on myself.
No fingernail polish really did not affect my nails. It affected my feet, as I like to keep my toenails freshly painted. It is somewhat vanity, but also something that helps me like my body more. With running and yoga and stretching, I look at my feet a lot. I like my painted toes. My feet? Not so much. This month, I had to stare at my feet a lot. Seeing my nails bare only contributed to further self-loathing.
I chose my Lenten fast before I chose fun-free February. Lent has a purpose, and I learned from it. Fasting from flour at the same time as basically everything else was not the best idea, though. Depriving myself of everything all at once only deepened my struggles.
DuoLingo is love/hate for me. I started because my husband suggested it. I like to learn, but it became a burden. Having time off gave me a few more minutes in the morning. Not being able to do it when my brain craved learning, well, once again left me sitting with hard feelings.
I should probably note that February was not completely fun-free. I did celebrate Valentine's Day with my husband by playing tennis and making a special dinner. My mom came down to go hiking with me. I had a day off work for President's Day. I excused the former because they were with other people, and the latter, well, it was just the schedule. My end goal was to be better, especially for the people closest to me, e.g. family, friends, and coworkers, so I could not exclude their fun. I failed to better them with my fun-free month, though.
Taking all the fun out of my life made my negative emotions more extreme. I had no exhaust valve, so my emotions came out in even more meltdowns (e.g. shows of extreme negative emotions, often accompanied by tears). I was not fun to be around. My limitations placed limitations on my those around me, especially my husband. My tolerance was low. I was a hypocrite when it came to teaching others to care for themselves while not doing the same for myself. Fun-free February was not good for me, or for anyone around me.
Fun and pleasure can become idols. I can look to them instead of looking to God for comfort. That is a problem. Asceticism can become an idol, too, however. I can think that in taking things away from myself I can somehow become a better person. I cannot. Only God can work good in me.
God created humans with the capacity for joy (1 Tim 6:17). I think we are supposed to use it. Balancing fun with the rest of life looks different for everyone. There are obvious wrongs in the Bible, but outside that, balance is a matter of prayer and listening to the Holy Spirit. I have not discovered the perfect balance, but then again, I do not think I ever will. I just know that fun-free is not the way God created humans to be. February was long enough to prove that to me.
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