Real Life Marriage: More is More

During premarital counseling, our pastor provided us with this chart. To do hard things, he said, your marriage has to be in a good place. I took a picture of that chart, and to this day, have kept it on my phone.

I think there is sometimes a misconception in the church that we should be able to do everything in the power of God. It's hard? Push through? Limited resources? Push through? Marriage in a rough place? Just trust in God and He'll get you through. True, and not, at the same time.

As we have faced struggles in our lives, things that take the life out of us, I have found that we need more and more investment into our relationship. The same goes with service to others. The more we serve others, the more time we need to invest into us to keep our marriage solvent. It is counterintuitive in a way, that more is more, but it also makes sense. If we invest more, we can give more.

I will be honest and say that I tend towards stinginess, even in my marriage. I want more of my husband and struggle to share. At the same time, when the Holy Spirit convicts me, I am trying to choose to let myself, and us, be stretched for God's glory and the good of others. I find it easier to stretch, though, when our marriage is in a happy and full place.

So here's to more investment, more energy, my time, more love, so that we can give God's love away to others. We will never be able to fill ourselves on our own. Even that requires the power of God, but by God's grace, may we do it.

Real Life Marriage: We Stress Each Other Out!

"Who in your life causes you the most stress? What do they do that causes it?" The couples connection questions asked. I tried to caveat my answers. I tried to add nuance. Nevertheless, my answer remained: my husband. He is the person I care most about in the world. He is the one person from I really cannot separate myself. Boundaries be had or not, he stresses me out!

I wondered what my husband would say when he answered the questions. Honestly, waiting for him to answer made me a little nervous. Eventually, he gave me a smirk and I was pretty sure I knew his answer.

"Me?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied. And he nuanced his answer a little bit too. "I think anybody who is married would answer the same way," he said (or something like that).

I know I am a lot to put up with. I am my own ball of stress and nerves, and I know that affects my husband. I don't try to be a pain in the neck, but I am. At times, I am not sure I am worth it, but at this point, my husband is committed, and he is a man of his word.

I was honestly somewhat relieved by his answer, though. The fact that I stress him out shows that he does care about me. The fact that he is not bothered by that fact is reassuring. I think I do stress him out, but on my side, it is more me stressing about him that is the stressor. My husband is low needs, and he would like me to do less (and tells me as much), but that is hard for me. I do care about his health and well-being and happiness, and I monitor it more than I do for anyone else. He is part of me. If we go with the biblical definition of one flesh, he is me. I want to take care of him. I want to take care of us. I want to take care of me.

So there you have it. My husband and I are each other's greatest stressors. I'm not proud of the sin that causes me to stress my husband, but I am thankful that he accepts that responsibility. On my side, I am thankful that I get to have a husband to be a stressor. Marriage is not a gift everyone gets. So, good or bad, for better or for worse, here's to stress, and to maybe learning to stress less as God grows and matures us in our marriage.

I'm Tired of the Have-To's.

Consumerism thrives off telling people they need things, or have to do things. I try not to give in to believing I have to buy things. I try to buy only things I need or want. Lately, though I find myself falling prey to a different form of consumerism: the have-to's.

I have somewhat of an obsessive tendency to my personality (not surprising, given my bent towards perfectionism). Lately, I've been noticing how much that manifests in the have-to's. I feel like I "have-to" scroll my Instagram feed until I see the check mark showing that I have read all the posts. I feel like I have to complete the DuoLingo challenges each month. I feel like I should keep up with cooking challenges. I once started. Why? Continuing these things is not filling my life with purpose or joy. It is just keeping me busy, tired, stretched, and stressed. 

I know the New Year is coming, and with it plenty of "challenges." I have already gotten e-mails about the Yoga with Adriene challenge. I know Nourish Move Love will offer a new year challenge. I have enjoyed both of these in the past, but do I really want to do them this year? Will they add to my life, or subtract? Will they help me live in the present, or just rush and stress me? Honestly, I am not sure, but I want to consider before committing. I'm tired of the have-tos.

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What about you, friends? Any have-to's you've succumbed to? What are your priorities for the new year? What have-to's might you set aside to truly be present? Please share in the comments section.

Completing the Stress Cycle

Stress. It's the bane of our modern existence. Probably, it's part of the curse of sin, part of the toil it now takes to end the earth. Regardless, it's here, and it's real. I can fight it, or I can learn how to release it. I am working on the latter.

I read the book, Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski PhD and Amelia Nagoski DMA last year, and I have thought about the contents of it on and off since. A main tenet of the book is that our bodies are not mean to hold stress, and as such, we have to find ways to release it. Physical activity is one way to do this. “Physical activity is what tells your body you have safely survived the threat and now your body is a safe place to live. Physical activity is the single more efficient activity for completing the stress response cycle," they write. Sometimes physical activity is not possible, though, and things like social interactions, laughter, and affection can come into play. Really, I think figuring out how to release stress is a personal project, but an important one at that!

Walking is my primary way to release stress. I do it at work. I do it at home. I do it out in the community (and this is apart from my regular exercise). Walking helps me notice tension in my body. (Hopefully, it helps me release it, too.) It helps me think. It changes my environment. It exposes me to grounding stimuli. It is free, and most of the time available.

Other habits help me close out stress, too. A lot of these are "summary" activities, like finishing my notes at work, sitting down and doing my daily habit recording, writing a weekly e-mail to my family about life, journaling, and blogging. Writing helps me process, and the writing that I share helps me connect. Both help me close out the stress cycle.

Rhythm and routine help me, too. More and more so, I try to close out work on work days. I try to shut down my e-mail and not check it again until right before the next work week starts. When work thoughts crop up, I try to shut them down, saving them for reboot during work time. At my counselor's suggestion, I try to fill my mind with non-work things to crowd out those thoughts. I also try to fill my time with good things: time with my husband, special events, and rest. These all remind me that one cycle of work stress is over.

Work is the primary stressor of life right now, or at least the one with the greatest volume of stressors. Other things stress me too: traffic, grocery shopping, the pain of family and friends, etc. Not all stress is bad, either. Some stress just is. Stress can help us grow. All stress needs to happen in a cycle, though. All stress needs to be closed out, rather than cycling in an infinite loop.

Have I got this stress thing figured out? No, certainly not! I am learning, though, learning thanks to this book and so many other things. May God continue to help me so that I can continue to grow in his image, having more and more capacity to serve him when it's time to be, "on," and resting when I am not.

Reference:

Nagoski, E., & Nagoski, A. (2019) Burnout: The secret to unlocking the stress cycle. Ballantine Books.

Fun Free: Not the Way It's Meant to Be

I once tried to live a fun-free life. Not one of my finer times, as you will see, but you know what? It is probably time to write about it, because maybe other people have been where I was, wondering if trying to live an ascetic life would help put things back in order. Spoiler alert: It did not work for me.

Back in February, I was really struggling. I felt awful about myself, the world, and just life in general. Stress was high. I could not seem to keep up with everything on my plate. My husband told me to cut out things to make time for rest. I, in an act of defiance, decided to give up fun, and literally dubbed the month, "Fun-Free February" in my mind. What did fun-free mean? No Facebook (or social media in general). Only educational podcasts. No fiction reading. No fingernail polish. No flour (my Lenten fast). No French (learning via DuoLingo). No Fussing. That last one was my end goal. I was hoping to become a better person by eliminating fun things. I thought if I told myself I could not have things, maybe I would long for what I did not have less. No, just the opposite.

I found it hard to give up social media. I found that I had used it to distance and numb myself out from real life. Endless scrolling is not good, and that is where I found myself. Cutting that out meant, theoretically, more time, but also more felt pain. Having no where to go to take a break only made my mental health worse.

Since I gave up Facebook, I also gave up Instagram. Instagram was also a scroll trap, but something I realized that I also used as a creative outlet. Well, no time for that. I still took pictures, because that is what I do, but I realized I got joy from sharing, and well, I had one less opportunity.

I listen to podcasts a lot. I did not stop for February, but I did focus on only listening to learning podcasts. That made me miss the occasional, "just for fun," episodes thrown in. I started to like listening to podcasts less.

I rarely read fiction, but I made a focus to avoid it in February, only reading non-fiction, preferably Christian life books. No problems with that. I finished four books. I felt deprived, though, and reading became more stressful because of what I imposed on myself.

No fingernail polish really did not affect my nails. It affected my feet, as I like to keep my toenails freshly painted. It is somewhat vanity, but also something that helps me like my body more. With running and yoga and stretching, I look at my feet a lot. I like my painted toes. My feet? Not so much. This month, I had to stare at my feet a lot. Seeing my nails bare only contributed to further self-loathing.

I chose my Lenten fast before I chose fun-free February. Lent has a purpose, and I learned from it. Fasting from flour at the same time as basically everything else was not the best idea, though. Depriving myself of everything all at once only deepened my struggles.

DuoLingo is love/hate for me. I started because my husband suggested it. I like to learn, but it became a burden. Having time off gave me a few more minutes in the morning. Not being able to do it when my brain craved learning, well, once again left me sitting with hard feelings.

I should probably note that February was not completely fun-free. I did celebrate Valentine's Day with my husband by playing tennis and making a special dinner. My mom came down to go hiking with me. I had a day off work for President's Day. I excused the former because they were with other people, and the latter, well, it was just the schedule. My end goal was to be better, especially for the people closest to me, e.g. family, friends, and coworkers, so I could not exclude their fun. I failed to better them with my fun-free month, though.

Taking all the fun out of my life made my negative emotions more extreme. I had no exhaust valve, so my emotions came out in even more meltdowns (e.g. shows of extreme negative emotions, often accompanied by tears). I was not fun to be around. My limitations placed limitations on my those around me, especially my husband. My tolerance was low. I was a hypocrite when it came to teaching others to care for themselves while not doing the same for myself. Fun-free February was not good for me, or for anyone around me.

Fun and pleasure can become idols. I can look to them instead of looking to God for comfort. That is a problem. Asceticism can become an idol, too, however. I can think that in taking things away from myself I can somehow become a better person. I cannot. Only God can work good in me.

God created humans with the capacity for joy (1 Tim 6:17). I think we are supposed to use it. Balancing fun with the rest of life looks different for everyone. There are obvious wrongs in the Bible, but outside that, balance is a matter of prayer and listening to the Holy Spirit. I have not discovered the perfect balance, but then again, I do not think I ever will. I just know that fun-free is not the way God created humans to be. February was long enough to prove that to me.

Self-Care As Survival

I stopped doing self-care for awhile, at least most of it. It was work to fit it in. It wasn't fun. I didn't feel like I really deserved to spend time caring for myself when I wasn't even keeping up with what had to be done, with what I wanted to get done. I had responsibilities to others. So I cut out the fun, or at least I tried. It was painful. I had to sit with my emotions instead of finding a way to ease them. I craved and missed some of the joys that self-care activities had given me, even if I hadn't recognized their joys at the time. Maybe it was good to take a little break from some of my personal interest activities, to push on and prove to myself that I could do it. But then my self-proclaimed "fun-fast" fast stopped working. I found myself more and more unable to move forward, stuck, and certainly lacking in motivation. My husband had been harping on me to practice self-care for a while, warning me that I would burn out if I didn't. I was on the cusp, so despite my misgivings, and even some feelings of guilt, I started taking small steps to add back the fun, to practice some self-care. In so doing I realized that sometimes self-care is a matter of survival.

I think there's an idea out that that self-care helps you achieve your highest self, that in it is some measure of self-fulfillment or self-actualization. You'll be your best self and your happiest self if you do it. You will feel calm, centered and relaxed. You'll be energetic and full of life and purpose. But maybe, like I've found, you won't. Maybe self-care will take effort. Maybe it will be drudgery. Maybe it will not create noticeable benefits, but rather keep you at baseline. Maybe practicing self-care is a matter of not dipping into deficit.

Self-care is a good habit, if nothing else. It leaves a little space to ponder. It can help connect with one's body and thereby help notice if there is anything wrong. It can help recognize a need for rest. It can highlight what is lacking in life. Self-care might not fulfill a need, but it might help prevent even more needs, and sometimes, hopefully at some point, help you have more to give towards the needs of others. So here's to self-care, because our lives, and the lives of others depend on it.

Breathe.

Yep. We might all need this one today. Because whether our candidate got elected or not, the world is a scary place. Let's be real. It was scary before this. COVID, anyone? So here's a simple piece of advice: Breathe. Yeah, it seems basic, but we really need to do it.

One day recently, I got really overwhelmed. My thoughts were racing. My body was spastic. I was rushed and in a hurry. I went for a walk and literally had to focus on my breath and tune out everything else. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Listen to the sounds of air coming in and out. Breathe in. Breathe out. It made a surprising difference.

Other ways to breathe? 

The hand breath

The belly breath

Meditation

You do you. Find your way and do it. Just breathe. Life may be stressful, but nothing can take away your breath, at least until God says it can. So use your body. Serve your body. 

BREATHE!

Stress Management: What Can I Add?

This season of life is just hard, and stressful. I want things to change, and yet I realize that we cannot change much about our situation. There is just a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it. Since I can't take anything away from my life, I started asking, "What can I add?" It seems like a counterintutive question, but if I can find some joy by adding things to my life, maybe it will balance out what stress subtracts. 

Here are a few of my recent "adds":

Downtime: Getting up early is annoying, but if I get up early enough to start the day slowly and not rush, it helps. I spend more time (when I have it) just lying around, too. It feels lazy and wasteful, but sometimes I just have nothing else to give. Pushing myself further just increases my stress.

Music: I spend hours at a time in the kitchen Friday/Saturday/Sunday cleaning up from the past week and prepping for the next one. I have started playing Pandora or other music from my phone or the Bose speaker while I do so. Sometimes I sing along. Sometimes I don't. Overall, the music seems to make the tasks at hand more bearable, and a little less tedious.

Podcasts: I spend hours upon hours commuting to and from work. Instead of listening to the radio or pondering the work day, I have added some fun podcasts. Some are educational. Some are encouraging. Some just occupy my mind. There is time and space for thinking, but sometimes I do it too much.

Purposeful quiet: Though I do try to fill some of my time with music and podcasts, I also take time to turn everything off for a few minutes and think/pray. The space feels novel and new. As long as the quiet is calming, I do it. If anxious thoughts start to rage, I switch back to one of the above silence fillers.

Tea: I drink tea almost every morning. But sometimes I drink it at lunch (when I am home) or dinner. Tea has a calming effect on me. It helps slow down my mind. It causes me to sit down a little longer. Both can be beneficial for stress management.

Walking breaks: Dr. Bruce Perry says that regular rhythmic activity helps cancel out the negative effects of stress. So every hour that I can (at work and at home), I try to get up and walk around a little bit. It helps clear my mind.

I haven't added much. I can't add much. What I can, I am doing, and I leave the rest up to the Lord. May He increase wisdom and add where I cannot.

Balance

If you haven't noticed, I tend to be a kind of black-and-white, extreme, all or nothing type person. But I continue to realize that life exists in shades of gray. Maybe if I lived there a little more often, I would experience a more free, more joyful, and less stressful life. There's moral right and wrong, sure, but when it comes to other things, maybe there is more than one right way.

Maybe my bedtime can shift 15 minutes or so if that causes less stress.
Maybe it's okay if my yoga was 5 minutes instead of the 20 I desired.
Maybe I can eat breakfast in 20 minutes, even though 30 minutes feels a lot nicer.
Maybe the walk I need is however long feels good, instead of a certain number of miles or minutes.
Maybe my diet should not be low-carb, or no-carb, but some carbs.
Maybe I should use butter and margarine and canola oil and olive oil and coconut oil.
Maybe I can mix white and whole grains.
Maybe I can have caffeine sometimes, when it will serve my body well.
Maybe I need a little less pressure, not no pressure.
Maybe I can work really hard and relax really hard.
Maybe I can live "in the middle."

Life is a trip. Life is an adventure. Don't I always say that? There are definitely highs and lows in this life. The "sweet spot" is probably somewhere in between.

32.

Well. 32 has hit. We're 35 days from one year of marriage. And we're surviving a pandemic. It's been a year. I pretty much feel like I got to do all the things I wanted to do in the first six months of last year, though. Thankfully we got those in before everything closed:


1) We got married.

2) I ran a half-marathon.

3) We hiked the Grand Canyon.

We also bought a house, moved, traveled to Seattle, and got new jobs. There's been a lot of stress. I'm tired.

So how what about my goals for 31?

Eh. Most of them are still a work in progress.

1) I don't know if learning to be a wife can ever come to a point of completion. Am I learning? Sure. See my Real Life Marriage posts for more on that. Is the process painful yes? Is marriage worth it? One-hundred percent. But nobody said it would be easy.

2) We've done some celebrating: my husband's birthday, holidays, month anniversaries. I feel like celebration has been a little lacking lately. Marking days in these times of social isolation has been hard. Being tired makes celebrating sometimes seem like more work than it's worth, too. I'm still blogging and Instagramming, so I guess those are small means of celebration, but I want to do better.

3) Well, with all the upset, we are definitely not in a routine. We were just starting to find some kind of normalcy when COVID hit. Now we just function day-to-day There is some freedom in that, but also some lack of accountability and productivity. I'm trying to hold it all with grace.

Goals for 32:

These might seem general, but with the current state of the world, they are all that seem appropriate, attainable, and reasonable:

1) Give thanks. I want to find  a place of contentedness and gratitude. My life is what it is. My health is what it is. As my husband says, "Be concerned, but not worried." God gives me strength for each day He calls me to live, and I want to thank Him for that.

2) Seek joy. My joy has been sorely lacking lately. Partly because I am tired. Partly because so many things are out of my control. But I have been reading about how anxiety stems from pride, and how joy comes from standing in awe of God and his world and work. I want to live a life of more joy.

3) Manage stress. Yes, this is a near repeat of one of my birthday goals before, but I need to revisit it. External stress is outside my control, but my responses to stress are my responsibility. Whether managing means more yoga or a different routine, or what, I don't know. I just know my body, mind, soul, relationships (and health!) can benefit from less stress.

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I'm thankful for for each day, and another year of life. Here we go...

Blessed to Be Stretched

"I want a different life." Those were the acrid, bitter words that came out of my mouth one Friday night. It had been a long week at work. Traffic was terrible. Grocery shopping took forever. I was tired. And I had so much left to do.

But almost as soon as I said those words, I regretted them. The Holy Spirit's conviction came fast and hard. Did I really want a different life? The reason why I felt stressed was because I had so much. I had a home that required care. I had a job that required time. I had food that needed to be put away, and/or cooked. I had a husband that needed attention. But did I really want to give any of it up? By all means, no! These gifts added responsibilities to my life, but they were also blessing.

This season of life has been stressful. The many things I have to do weigh heavily on me at times, but I don't want to go back. I want to move forward by God's grace and in His power.

Blessed to be stressed? Yes. But I am also blessed to be stretched. God is Sovereign. He saw this season coming. He ordained it. May I be faithful to my calling within it.

A Basic Guide to Meditating

I read a book recently about how "affirmative action reduces negative hormones" (Galloway, 2012). That got me to thinking about my thoughts and how they affect my health. If you've read this blog very long, you've probably gathered that I'm a pretty stressed person who struggles to stay calm. But lately, I'm trying to change that. Or at least, I'm trying to change my thinking.

When a negative thought or worry comes up, I'm trying to say, "You are God of ______." Or "God can take care of __________." I've then taking to trying to meditate on that thought by repeating it over and over.

The basic idea of meditation is to calm the brain by sitting, breathing, and thinking of one thought, and then no thought, and eventually getting to a place of "emptiness," or "floating." Here's how that works with the above scenario:

"You are God of ________________."
(Repeat until my brain feels calm.)

"You are God."
(Repeat until my brain feels calm.)

"God."
(Repeat until my brain feels calm.)

I usually stop there, because as a believer in Christ, I think emptying my mind is a dangerous thing. I want God to always be filling me. So ending on God is where I want to be. 

Sometimes I practice meditation while doing an activity (such as walking or running). And when I'm done. I'm done. Other times, I do it while trying to fall asleep. So it ends when I sleep. And other times, meditation is a short break, a "rest" for my day. 

Whatever way you do it, meditation works. Basic or not. I'm thankful.

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Do you meditate? If so, how do you do it? Please share below in the comments.

Mindfulness Aids: The FitBit

There's a lot of judgment in the wellness world. Judgment for following certain plans and not following others. Judgement for using certain methods of measurement. Judgment for not using methods of measurement. I'm all for intuitive living, but sometimes it just doesn't work. I need some accountability and some help. And that's why I bought a FitBit. Okay, that's not the only reason why I bought the device. I will confess that some of my reasons were vain, and because of wants, but that's not what this post is about. This post is about how sometimes we help getting back in tune with our bodies and what's good for us.

It is no secret that I have a high stress job. I like my job, but it can get pretty intense at times. It can also cause me to sit for hours on end. I try to stand up when I work on my Microsoft Surface computer, but even that does not happen sometimes. I have been thinking about buying a FitBit for awhile, and when they went on sale the weekend of Black Friday two years ago, I did it. And I really haven't looked back.

What do I like about the FitBit?

Well at lot of things. I like that it logs steps. I like the fancy, "rise to wake" time feature (though it also annoys me because sometimes it doesn't work, and sometimes it works at the most inopportune times, like it a pitch black room when I'm trying to sneak about unnoticed.) I like the heart rate tracking feature. I like the auto-track for exercise. I like the accountability it gives me to get up and move every hour.

What don't I like about the FitBit?

The manufacturing! I got a crack in the face of my Charge 2 before the first year I used the FitBit. The company warrantied it, and gave me a new dongle, which I appreciated. But this year, less than a year into using that dongle, I got another crack. And the company warranty doesn't fix it. FitBit, please find a better manufacturing process. I like your product, but....

The app favors cardio workouts. Step goals are one thing, but strength training and even cross training have value. And the device doesn't give as much credit to those.

What features do I use?
I track workouts that aren't running (to give myself some credit, since the steps don't really add up for certain types of exercise--see above). I monitor my sleep via the app. (it helps keep me accountable, or at least lets me know why I feel tired.) I use the app as a period calendar (because the doctors always ask, "When was your last cycle?" and I don't remember!). 

What features don't I use?
The stopwatch. The run tracker. (I prefer RunKeeper.) The guided breathing. The food tracker. (This is where intutive eating comes into play. I'm not really sure that calorie counter is right. And if I start from basal metabolism to "earn calories," it's depressing. But if I eat to keep up with the estimated calories, I can overeat. Honor hunger cues, people. It's a much better way to go.)

My take-aways:
Although I'm all for intuitive living and doing what feels right in your body; I argue that data can inform the way we live. The FitBit is one such source of information for me. It keeps me more mindful of my body and the fact that my body is created to move, frequently, as in every hour, not just for my 30 minutes of daily exercise. I look at the clock less at night since I know I can check my FitBit dashboard to see how I slept. I notice when I have a fever or I am stressed because my heart rate noticeably rises. I feel more in tune with my body overall, and let's be honest, being able to have at least one measurable goal (as in steps) a day that is reasonably achievable is nice.

In conclusion:
Is the FitBit for everyone? No. Technology is a first-world privilege. Step trackers are definitely not a necessity in life. And plenty of other companies make step trackers. Nor will the FitBit necessarily help with mindfulness. Checking steps can become obsessive and compulsive. If you struggle in that way, maybe it's not right for you. Can steps become an idol? Probably yes to that, too.

In summary, the FitBit is helpful for me right now. I use it. I'm thankful for it. Yes, paradoxically, a concrete external data provider is actually part of my mindfulness practice. Contradictions sometimes do exist.

Mental Health Days, And Why We Need Them

I took a day off a few weeks ago. I hoped it would be to go see my new nephew be born, but alas, he tarried. So I took the day off to rest. Oh, how I needed it.

Here's what my unscheduled day looked like:

Sleeping in

A slow jog

Yoga

Reading

A nap

Fabric card making

Errands

Dinner with family in town

Was I productive? Kinda. Did I do things that matter? Yes. Did I do everything that needed to be done? Nope. And irresponsible as it sounds, I tried not to think about work.

Why? I needed a Mental Health Day. I needed a break. Our minds can tire just like our bodies break down and get sick. And my thoughts and emotions had taken a beating in the prior weeks. They needed time to rest and heal just like our bodies do after illness. So with the Lord's help, I gave myself that time.

Do I recommend that everybody take Mental Health Days? Yes, actually I do. I'm not saying to shirk duties and call out sick from work all the time. But I am encouraging us to consider that our brains need to be healthy just as much as our bodies. So when we've had enough, feel we've hit a wall, and just don't want to do it anymore, maybe it's time for a break. Maybe it's time to respect our mental health just like we do our physical health.

Thirty-One (And a Whole Ton of Change)

If you would have told me on May 10th of last year that I'd be getting married in 13 months, I would have told you that I thought you were crazy. Well, here I am at 31, with only, Lord willing, 35 days left as a single person.

A lot can change in a year. Last year, I thought I would be single forever. I thought I would focus on my job and just enjoy life. In fact, those were my birthday goals:

So how did I do?

1) I am almost two years into my job. I am learning. I am figuring out who God made me to be as a therapist. I'm passionate about my work. I have some ideas of things I would like to learn, trainings I would like to attend, and certifications I would like to earn, but still really no idea of what the future holds as far as my counseling. God knows, though.

2) I'm working on stress management. I probably always will be. But God is helping me day by day, and I see growth in areas like my handling of the on-call phone at work and not jumping on the panic wagon when others do. I've hiked more, and done yoga for less minutes, but tried to be more diligent about prioritizing both. (For me, that looks like spending more time hiking outside, and engaging in shorter yoga sessions inside, but practicing once a week, if possible.) And some stress management, like crocheting, has pretty much gone to the wayside due to health issues and lack of time. It's okay. Life changes.

3) I'd say I've lived this year. I started being more social last year because I was desperate. And God used that desperation to make me face my fears of hanging out with and getting to know Chris more. God knows what he's doing. I've had to prioritize and re-organize life and relationships again now that we're engaged and planning a wedding, but it's good. God is good. And I'm working on enjoying and celebrating God's goodness everyday.

My top three memories were:

1) My Bahamas Cruise: It's been on my bucket list for awhile to go to the Bahamas, and having a friend reunion while doing so made it even better!

2) Butterfly Run: Having my best friend and Chris there (yes, he was there, but I didn't post pictures because we weren't officially dating at the time) made it super fun. And I got my best time yet!

3) Getting engaged: Kind of unexpected based on where I was last year this time, but kind of timely based on where Chris and I were in our relationship. I'm glad he asked when he did.

Goals for 31:

1) Learn to be a wife (because I've never been one before!)

2) Celebrate life. I've been working on this, but want to do it more, because God is always good, even in the hard. I have a feeling that part of this will be finding a better work/life balance. I like my job and feel called to it, but man, it's hard! To celebrate life, I somehow have to live out the hard at work and not let it cloud my everyday. I'm not there yet.

3) Find a new routine. (I'd say "normal," but philosophically, I don't believe that normal exists.) This kind of goes with number one, but finding and fulfilling a new role in life is different than finding a new structure. I've been on my own for most of my adult life and now it's time to merge my life and find out what life looks like for us. (And I want that routine to include celebration! See point number two.)

So here's to another year of life and whatever God has for me in it. To Him be the glory!

Trusting Jesus More

"Trust and obey, for there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey."

~John H. Sammis, "Trust and Obey"

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

~Proverbs 3:5-6, New International Version

"'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His Word. Just to rest upon His promise, just to know, 'Thus saith the Lord!'"

~William J. Kirkpatrick, "'Tis So Sweet To Trust in Jesus"

My closest friends and family know that I've had a saying, "There's always a reason to trust Jesus" for quite some time. And man is that ever true! I think I'm dealing with fear and coping well with life, and then around the corner comes another area where I need to trust Jesus. And I don't like it.

Work stress, and life busyness, and engagement, and wedding planning all at once have recently brought to light many areas where I need to trust. I wonder, "When will the struggle to trust be over?" But then I remember that life is a gift, that struggles are gifts, for struggles cause us to fall upon the grace of Jesus.

"Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him! How I've proved Him o'er and o'er. Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!

Oh, for grace to trust Him more!"

~William J. Kirkpatrick, "'Tis So Sweet To Trust in Jesus"

May Jesus be glorified as I, a fallen human, learn to trust Him more.

Wise Words

I have a tendency to freak out about things. I over think. I over react. I get all in a tizzy when I don't need to. During one such episode earlier this year, my dear best friend texted me these wise words:

"There are no promises. There is no guarantee. Everything is terrifying, and there is only Jesus."

She couldn't have said anything more apt. There truly are no promises in this world. There are only the truths of the living Bible. There are no guarantees, only the reality that God is holy and that His definition of good will eventually win out. This world and its troubles are frightening. I truly don't know what will happen today, or tomorrow, or in the future. I only know that the end of my story is eternity in heaven won by Jesus' sacrificial death on the cross for my sins.

As I've faced fear after fear lately, and walked with my family and friends as they've faced their own fears, I've continually repeated my friend's words, "Everything is terrifying, and there is only Jesus." I don't enjoy facing fear, but realizing that fear is part of life and that my Savior is my only certainty is life-giving. The way I live my life is a choice, and I choose Jesus.

The Big 3-0!

Well, it's May 5 again and the date of my "big" birthday. Am I finally an adult now? No one really believes that I'm 30, but whatever. My birth certificate proves I am.

And now, on to the year in review.

My three favorites from the year:

1) My new job: Hard as it is, I'm finally doing what I trained to do. Lord, help me do my job with grace and strength!

(No, I don't play in the sand every day, but I do engage in sand tray sometimes. This was a tray I created in supervision.)

2) Traveling! Yes, I actually left the state to this year, three times in fact! First, I went to Kansas for my cousin's wedding. Then I visited littlest brother in Wisconsin, and more recently I went to Texas to run the Fresh 15 5K with my brother and sister-in-law.

3) King and Country: Maybe it wasn't the best concert experience ever, but I did it and checked another item off my bucket list.

My Goals for Year 29:

How'd I do? Ehh. I'm working on it, I guess. I have been trying to cook more. I've discovered that I really want chocolate most mornings at breakfast, so I've been having it, usually in the form of chocolate oatmeal or hot chocolate. I stopped being so vegetarian and started eating more meat because it just worked better for me. I'm eating what sounds good even when it sounds ridiculous, like the other night when I had chicken salad and green peas for a bedtime snack. Food isn't the end all, be all, but it's nice when it is satisfying.

My sleep got a little better, as I focused on it more all the times I was sick. But recently it's been not so great. I wonder if the changing of seasons has something to do with it, seeing that I'm waking up at 4 am again.

I've played around with exercise a little bit. I've taken a few more days off due to tiredness and sickness. I got a FitBit watch and am trying to move more during the work day. I'd like to be stronger and healthier, but this is the body I've got, so I need to be grateful for what I can do and not lament what I can't. And I still need to learn to listen to my body more.

My Goals for Year 30:

I'm working on my #bucketlistproject. Those are my specific goals for 2018. In the next year of life, I guess I'd say that I more globally want to:

1) Get better at my job. I need to attend trainings and apply what I learn. That's often a challenge in the fast-paced, ever-changing work world, but it's possible.

2) Stress less. I stress a lot. I really need to get better at managing my own stress so that I can achieve goals one and three.

3) Live life. I'm bad about letting stress and tiredness steal my joy. I need to let those things go and live as much as I can. Certain things are out of my control, like getting married or finding a house I can afford. But I can live in the moment, enjoy what I have, and keep reaching out to find new experiences and relationships.

And that's a wrap. Any comments or suggestions about my goals? What goals did you, or do you have for year 30? Please share in the comments section.

What's Going Right?

Last week was very difficult for me, professionally and personally. I had several rough nights of sleep, days where I didn't have time to sit down and eat (and had to eat packaged foods in the car or on the run), and news about ongoing health issues that I didn't want to hear. One thing that kept me going in the midst of this was a practice of gratitude. This wasn't my idea, per se. I think it came from the Spirit.

On even the hardest days, I kept having the urge to ask myself, "What's going right?" And somehow, there was always something. In my One Year Bible audio readings Wednesday or Thursday, the commentary said, "Think to Thank. Pause to Pray." Those phrases confirmed the importance of my daily habit of gratitude. 

Sometimes I have to think really hard to find reasons to give thanks. And that's okay. Because sometimes life is really hard. But when I practice gratitude even on those hard days, I entrench a way of thought. I build my gratitude muscles, making my practice easier to sustain in the long run.

Gratitude isn't easy, but it's necessary, especially for me as a Christ-follower. The sermon from 1 Thessalonians 1:2-4 at church on Sunday said just that. I can't expect everyone in the world to give thanks, but because I believe in Jesus as the Savior who died for my sins to give me life, I do ALWAYS have reason for thanksgiving.

Friends, what's going right for you today? Please share below in the comments section so that we can have a virtual gratitude gathering.

I'm linking up with Amanda at Running with Spoons for this Thinking Out Loud post.