Celebration

Those that follow me on Instagram may have noticed something different about November. I posted every day. If you didn't catch the theme, the posts may have seemed random. And they were, but with intention. Using the National Day Calendar, I found something to celebrate every day. Silly at times? Yes! Needed? Yes! In this season of days without end, I needed something to mark my days. I also needed to flex my happiness muscles. 

I'm no brain scientist, but I do have a degree in behavioral health. In my personal and professional experience, I have realized that we need not only the chemicals in our brain to produce happiness (which is why I think that sometimes anti-depressants or other psychotropic drugs are needed), but also need to have the experiences that give those good brain chemicals chances to work. I was running low on at least the latter, and I needed to change that.

I had grown weary in trying to celebrate life. I would make plans to celebrate and then let them go, giving the excuse that I was too tired and weary. Celebration just seemed like a stressor. And in a way, it was. But it was a good stress, a stress I needed to feel happy.

The early days of November came with some struggle to get to my daily celebration. I just wanted to give up, but my commitment to celebrating and posting about it kept me going. (I honestly put celebration Instagram post on my daily to-do list.) Some days were a stretch. Some days, I celebrated late, but I made it through.

Do I feel happier? No, not necessarily, but I know I gave myself a chance. I also gave myself a task to work at and complete. That alone helped my brain at least a little. Will I continue? Maybe. Maybe not. What I do know is that I need to keep working at celebration, as it does not always come easily or naturally. And does anything good come steadily and easily? I'm beginning to wonder if it does. Maybe work is part of the process of celebration.

Mental Health in the Madness: Five Ways to Cope

Schools are shuttering. Churches are closing. Events are cancelling. I couldn't even find a cart when I went grocery shopping this past week. The fear and hysteria and panic are real. As a person, who's always struggled with anxiety, these things haven't helped my mental health. But I'm trying to keep things in perspective, because I know that stress lowers immunity perhaps more than anything else. And mental health is still health and something to be supported and upheld wherever possible. Here's what I'm doing to that extent:

1) Preparing. No, I don't need to buy toilet paper for a year, but I do want to be prepared. And after my panic last week about barer cupboards and food scarcity, I did what I could. I bought five pounds of pasta, 13 pounds of oatmeal (the rate at which we go through it is unreal!), four pounds of beans, and some barley and extra frozen vegetables. Will it get us through months of isolation? No, but it will get us through some time, and that eases my mind.

2) Praying. Perhaps the most powerful thing we can do, and what can bring peace. Prayer may not halt the spread of this virus, but it can stymie the control fear has on us. I'm all for that.

3) Going to church for as long as we can. Hebrews 10:24-25 has come my way so many times lately. I'm all for quitting non-essential social gatherings (my heart goes out to all those planning weddings at this time), but church is essential. So for now, we'll go, practicing appropriate social distancing protocols. And after that, we'll stream online services or do whatever else we can to stay connected. The Body is important!

4) Getting outside. Yes, social distancing is a thing, but we can right now still walk or run around our neighborhoods or hike (though we might avoid places where we have to touch common surfaces, such as Camelback).

5) Making our home a "virus-free" zone. We don't want the virus, but we don't want fear to control us, either, so last weekend, I asked my husband to hold me accountable to not analyze the situation further outloud. If there are details we need to discuss, we will, but otherwise, we will go on living to the extent that God allows.

Pat Palau, in her book What To Do When You're Scared to Death (which I non-coincidentally started reading before this hysteria) shared the oriental legend of cholera. A traveler met Cholera on the road and said, "Where are you going?"

"To Baghdad to kill 20,000" Cholera replied.

The traveler later met Cholera and said, "You lied. You killed 90,000."

"No," Cholera replied. "I killed 20,000." Fear killed the rest.

Let's be smart. Let's be practical. Let's be wise. But let's not let fear control us. Let's tend to our mental as well as physical health. And if this plague gets us, let's have lived our lives well and rejoice, knowing that we have certainty about our eternal home in heaven.*

*If you don't yet know Jesus as Savior, today's the day! Do the ABC's and receive eternal certainty about your destiny.

Ten Tips for Being Eco-Friendly Without Sacrificing Mental Health

I'm not vegan and I own (and drive!) a car, but I still care about the environment and like to be eco-friendly. I'll tell you how below. But let's get a few things straight right away:

I don't worship the environment or believe I can save it. I know that this earth will one day perish and God will create new heavens and a new earth (2 Peter 3:13). But I do believe we're called to be good stewards of what God has given us (1 Peter 4:10). I believe there are higher goods than creation, most notably health and wellness and ability to serve others. I was vegetarian for a time, but it didn't work for me. I feel better physically and mentally when I eat meat. Yes, I rode the light rail to work for a time. Yes, I appreciated its efficiency and clean energy use. But the commute was detrimental to my time management and mental health, so I stopped. 

So on that note, here are a few things I do to be a good steward, without (hopefully) going overboard and making myself crazy: 

1) Skip the receipt (gas pumps, pop-up shops, etc.). I have the blessing of owning a smart phones and can either record our purchases in notes, or get the receipt e-mailed to me. I really don't need the paper.

2) Shop using reusable bags. My best friend got me mesh reusable bags, and they are great for produce. Most stores sell bags for the bulk of the other goods. (Note: I still use plastic sacks for meats. No use being unsanitary and getting sick because of trying to be eco-friendly.)

3) Buy from the bulk bins. Save money and save plastic (bagging with reusable bags above). Stores like Basha's,Fry's, Sprout's, Whole Foods, Win-Co, and more have bulk bins.

4) Re-use what plastic bags we have. Use plastic grocery sacks as trash liners. Only change the trash liner when needed. (We consolidate trash in the kitchen trash sack, and dump that for the week. No need to throw away a trash liner when all it held was office paper or cleaned out recyclables.)

5) Use dryer sheets at least twice. We aren't to the point of dryer balls yet, but we can still use a sheet several times.

6) Clean with micro-fiber. We generally only use paper towels for really nasty stuff, or when we don't have access to anything else in one of those "panic" moments.

7) Buy juice concentrate. Yes, the concentrate comes in plastic, but there is less plastic than buying juice in bottles all the time. (Plus, mixing up our own juice from concentrate is cheaper for the most part.)

8) Wash Ziploc bags. Yes, we still use them. But we wash and re-use them until they're not usable anymore. (Balance, people!) We also use silicone bags where we can.

9) Pack lunches. This saves times and money and throw away paper goods and plastics from eating out. (Yes, this is a source of and use for washed Ziplocs.)

10) Recycle. Our city does not recycle a lot, but we take advantage of what it does. Baby steps....

Being a good steward seems so all-consuming sometimes. There is so much publicity about the "right way" to live. But really the right way to live is 1) in alignment with God's will, as expressed through his word, and 2)in alignment with our own values and priorities (which vary from person to person). There are lots of ways to cut back and save and do better for the environment. You do you.**

*If you are vegan or vegetarian for the environment's sake and it works for you, great! But if your overall health is struggling because you are making choices to honor the environment that don't feel good in your body, here a few articles with helpful information:

https://www.sarahberneche.com/blog/2020/1/23/can-intuitive-eating-co-exist-with-a-plant-based-diet

https://www.blogilates.com/i-went-meatless-for-20-days-and-this-is-what-happened/

**Explore other ways to live responsibly by reviewing these resources:

https://www.curbed.com/a/how-to-live-sustainably

https://www.thehealthymaven.com/sustainable-living/

Why I Run

I've been meaning to write this post for awhile. I thought about it again this past weekend after my 10 mile training run. Why do I run? Some people think I'm crazy. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. But then I remember how I feel when I run and the benefits it gives me. I don't run for fitness or physique (those those are side benefits.) I really run for a variety of other reasons.

1) Running is my time with God. Running gives me time to think and pray and process life. I am sure part of it is the bilateral stimulation of the brain that running gives, but it's also the way God made me.

2) Running provides tangible, measurable achievement. No, life isn't all about achievement, but having something I can reasonably accomplish helps my overall mental health.

3) Running produces endorphins. Running produces feel-good chemicals in the brain. People argue about whether or not running is addictive. I reply that any habit can become an idol. As long as it does not become all consuming, running is good for me.

4) Running helps me get my daily steps in. Life is not about getting 10,000 steps a day, but since having a FitBit, I like to try. I'm more of a cardio than a strength girl, and running is the former.

5) Running is a (mostly)* free hobby. I don't have time for much with the busyness of work and life, but running is something I can fit into most weeks. I don't need a gym or special equipment (other than shoes) or tons of time. And since Arizona has a very moderate climate, I can run most days.

*Races generally cost money to enter, and I've been running more of those lately. Special supplies like energy shots also cost money, but the overall cost is negligible in my mind, and not even totally required.

I probably run for more reasons that these, but more now, this is a start of a list. Special thanks to Sarah at Bucket List Tummy who recently reposted her list of reasons to run and reminded me to write my own.

Metamorphosis

"You look really good." I've heard that from two friends lately. While I don't want to put too much stock in external validation, their words meant a lot, because for many years, I've gotten criticism about the way I looked. And with good reason. Sometimes I was sick. Sometimes I was stressed. Sometimes I was sick because I was stressed. Sometimes I was stressed because I was sick. And sometimes I was stressed and sick. And it showed.

Life is not a bed of roses, but I do feel that I'm in a better place now. Maybe it's marriage. Maybe it's coming home to myself. Maybe it's age and maturation. All I know is that I'm in a process of becoming that isn't over yet.

I liken life to a serious of metamorphoses. There are times when we're in the darkness of the cocoon, safe and warm and well fed. And there are times when we're struggling against the darkness, trying to get out and be free. And there are times when we are happy, not perfectly so, but joyful. And we celebrate those times.

Tomorrow is World Mental Health Day, and in honor of it, I'd like to challenge all of us to take a minute to consider where we've been, where we are, and where we're going. May we remember that we are never stuck in the darkness. May we remember that freedom comes when we fight the good fight. May we remember that life is beautiful even if painful at many points along the way. Life is worth living, at any and every stage. May we live today and each day to its fullest. To God be the glory.

Mental Health Days, And Why We Need Them

I took a day off a few weeks ago. I hoped it would be to go see my new nephew be born, but alas, he tarried. So I took the day off to rest. Oh, how I needed it.

Here's what my unscheduled day looked like:

Sleeping in

A slow jog

Yoga

Reading

A nap

Fabric card making

Errands

Dinner with family in town

Was I productive? Kinda. Did I do things that matter? Yes. Did I do everything that needed to be done? Nope. And irresponsible as it sounds, I tried not to think about work.

Why? I needed a Mental Health Day. I needed a break. Our minds can tire just like our bodies break down and get sick. And my thoughts and emotions had taken a beating in the prior weeks. They needed time to rest and heal just like our bodies do after illness. So with the Lord's help, I gave myself that time.

Do I recommend that everybody take Mental Health Days? Yes, actually I do. I'm not saying to shirk duties and call out sick from work all the time. But I am encouraging us to consider that our brains need to be healthy just as much as our bodies. So when we've had enough, feel we've hit a wall, and just don't want to do it anymore, maybe it's time for a break. Maybe it's time to respect our mental health just like we do our physical health.

Good Enough

Coming home has been healing in a lot of ways. And the Spirit, by His grace, has revealed a lot of areas that I didn't even recognize needed healing. My mom the other day pointed out that it seems like the "real me" is coming out again, and I would have to agree.

It's been a long road for me to get here, one that I haven't ever shared all at once, and one I don't even know if I ever could. But I'll share that part of that road has been an obsessive focus on pleasing others. I never felt like I was good enough, and therefore I was always striving to perform, to achieve, to perfect. And it was exhausting. I didn't always even want to be better than others, I just wanted to be better. And specifically, I wanted to please my parents and prove to them that I was worthy of their love. Because I thought I wasn't.

I didn't realize the cost of my perfection until I graduated with my bachelor's degree, in three years, Summa Cum Laude (a GPA related honor). And my Dad said, "You sacrificed all that for this?" I thought my parents knew my GPA. I guess I assumed they'd been tracking it. I thought they cared. And guess what? My dad didn't know or care. My dad was more concerned with my physical and mental health, which was tenuous at best.

That moment was a wake up call. I'd thought all my life that I needed to impress my parents. And now that I had, I found out that what I'd done didn't really matter. And the longer I've been back at home, the more I've realized that the stringent expectations I had for myself growing up weren't my parent's expectations. They were mine. I was the one always trying to prove things. I was the one believing I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't loved. Guess what? I was loved all along.

So I'm starting to relax the expectations I have for myself. I'm starting to accept and acknowledge the love my parents have for me. I've stopped trying to be good enough and just started trying, by the Spirit's power, to do good, to see that life is good. It's been freeing.

Friends, do you believe that you are good enough? That God loves you just the way you are? Because He does. And Jesus gave His life to set you free. May you run towards that freedom today.

Healthy Looks Different on Everyone

I'm probably the healthiest I've been in years. 

That might seem like a contradictory statement given how sick I've been lately, my dystonia, and the "healthy" habits I no longer practice. I've gained weight, decreased my HIIT exercise, watched my cholesterol go up, struggled with sleep, and even given up some of my tidiness. All things I'd used to say were unhealthy. But my definition of healthy has changed. Right now for me, healthy for me means being in a good place mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and relationally. Yes, my health includes the physical part, but that's probably the least important at this point. As Rachael Hartley puts it so well, "If doing something makes you feel bad mentally, then it's not actually health, no matter how 'good' it is physically." And at this point, I want holistic health as much as anything.

So what does healthy look like for me these days? 

It looks like hiking and getting in steps instead of always trying to get more fit and toned. It looks like chilling out instead of vigorously cleaning the house. It looks like normal eating instead of meal planned or even intuitive eating, where sometimes I eat too much and sometimes I eat too little and it's okay. It looks like accepting whatever weight comes to me as I live my life. It looks like forming deeper connections with the people around me, even when it means disrupting my schedule. It looks like doing meaningful work, even if it taxes and tires me. It looks like letting God redefine my priorities. 

I've changed my definition of healthy.

So next time you go to judge healthy for yourself or someone else based on outward appearance and external facts and figures, I challenge you to look deeper. Are you mentally healthy? Are you happy? Are you doing things that matter to you? And if not, then are you really healthy?

Look at me, and you might not say I'm the healthiest I've been, but you may not know where I've come from. And God is still growing me. 

Healthy looks different on everyone. 

Butterfly Run 2.0

I like running. Maybe I'll do a post some other time about all the reasons why, but this post will be about one particular time I liked running: The Butterfly Run this past weekend in Tempe.

The Butterfly Run is a partnership between Nationwide Children's Hospital and Big Lots. It is designed to bring awareness to pediatric behavioral health issues and raise money for research into the causes of and treatment of the same. This was my second time running the race (a recap of my first is here) and I will run it again if I can. I like running, but I'm also passionate about the mental health of children.

The course this year was once again at Kiwanis Park. We went around the opposite way around, however. I did make all the turns and got in the full race this time, unlike last year when I had to run around a little extra to get in the 5K.

One of my friends ran with me, and my best friend from Arkansas watched, so that made the race extra fun. I've been sick and haven't been running that much or that hard lately. I've also been focusing more on physical therapy for my dystonia and gaining muscle than I have been on speed training. But somehow, I made really good time and set a personal record on this course. I also got first place in my gender/age division (only six people, but still, I'm thankful). 

The weather Saturday was beautiful and I got to go to brunch and spend time with my best friend after the race. We ate at The Uprooted Kitchen, wandered the gardens surrounding it, and then went shopping at Marshall's. 

I like running for a lot of reasons, but this weekend, I particularly liked it for the ways it allowed me to connect with causes and people I care about. My heart was filled and I came back from my "mini-vacation" a happy girl. Thank you, Lord!

My Journal, (Not) My Best Friend

"Journal? I thought that was the name of your boyfriend," my coworker said after I shared my list of anger coping skills. My coworker likes to tease my about being single, so I had to laugh. But on a more serious note, the interaction made me think about journaling and its role in my life.

I started journaling after a particularly difficult first semester of college. It was my solution to my disconnection from my life, to my lack of honesty about how much I was struggling. I committed to journaling once a week at that point, and slowly, journaling evolved to an every day practice. I started writing down lessons learned in my daily devotions. When the Spirit convicted me about lack of gratitude, writing in my journal became a practice in thanksgiving. Then I started jotting down prayer requests and quotes and thoughts. I wrote in full sentences for awhile. I wrote neatly for a while. Now my journal is filled with jots and tittles and dashes and sketches and everything else. I often find food and chocolate smears in my journal. Basically, my journal is a mess, because my life is a mess. But I think the mess of my journal keeps me grounded.

I don't journal as much as I used to. I primarily journal when I read my Bible in the morning, when I get home from work, and before I start winding down for the night. I used to take my journal to work and write while I snacked before bed, but I found that those practices could keep me stuck in my head and stimulate overthinking, so I quit them.

I have saved my journals from the last nine or so years of life, but I've yet to flip back through many of them. I'm not sure I want to, and I'm not sure I want anyone else to, either. My journals are my way of sorting out life, of purging the good and the bad. I do mince a few words for fear that others will read, but basically, my journals are raw. They're a reflection of the real me, good, bad, and ugly, really ugly.

Journaling is a valuable practice in my life, but in no way does it fully meet my needs for processing and connection. I still need people and community. I need people to help me reflect and process and see things in a new light. I need community to love me and encourage me and pray for me and support me. I need people to remind me that I'm not the center of the universe and that my thoughts don't run the world. 

Journaling is a valuable practice for me, but let's be clear. My journal is not my best friend (or my boyfriend!). I'm human and no inanimate object can take the place of my need for other people.

My Prescription for Good Mental Health

I wrote this post awhile ago, as life and work got a little crazy. I'm revisiting it now and realizing how much I need a dose of good mental health. I've stopped doing some of these things, but I need to start again.

1. Three rows of crochet: I don't get to this every day, but overall, it's an activity that calms my brain (by crossing the center line, EMDR folks) and makes me feel like I've accomplished something for the day. More than three rows is not good self-care because of my "dystonia."

2. Positive mental input via podcasts and radio: In the midst of external criticism and feelings of inadequacy, filling my mind with the good stuff (aka crowding out the criticism) is vital.

3. Daily Scripture intake: Usually via reading, but sometimes via the audio One Year Bible recording. If I'm not starting the day with truth, I'm starting the day with no foundation

4. Good nutrition: It's easy to forget eating or eat junk when I'm busy, but neither turn out very well. Meal prep and snacks are vital during this time

5. Comfy clothes: When days are long, it's not good to be uncomfortable. I'm not talking sloppy here, but wearing clothes that fit and cover me thoroughly is vital to survival. Layers are also helpful for the widely varying temperatures in Arizona.

6. Floor sitting: There's got to be some science behind this, but sitting on the floor (usually to crochet) winds me down and helps me relax before bed.

7. No social media during nighttime snack: Scrolling Instagram or Pinterest before bed isn't a good idea. I'm in a brain-numbed state and I can't seem to stop. And if I do it while eating, I often violate point four by eating junk food mindlessly.

8. Crosswords: The antidote to my social media scrolling. These engage my brain and help me not think about the day past or the day future, or much else but my intense drive to finish. (Yes, I'm competitive with myself.)

9. Creative outlets: I need to make and create, even if I'm not an artist. This also goes back to number one, but also feeds into my need to make fabric cards and cook.

10. Prayer: I often don't want to do this, but I need to, and before the crisis, not after or during. Prayer is my power connection, as well as a way to calm my mind and remind myself that I'm not in control.

11. Yoga: I am trying to get back into practicing, at least once a week. Yoga is a good way to create a quiet space to detox mind, body, and spirit. It is also a way to stretch and unwind the kinks that build up in my body after a log week of work.

I'm not saying that I'm perfect, or even that I practice these things well, but I think it's important to make a list, to realize what works and what doesn't, so on those bad days I can remind myself to "take the pill" of my prescription for good mental health and chill.

What is your prescription for good mental health? Please share in the comments section.

*This post is inspired by Georgie Morely of In It For the Long Run.

Veteran's Day Weekend

Thank you to all the veterans of the armed services, I enjoyed the freedom to have a great Veteran's Day weekend!

Friday started with going in for my yearly blood work and delivering the crisis phone from work to the next recipient. But then I had a nice slow breakfast and wrote this happy list:

@717jr got me started on this habit, and it's a great way to end the week, especially when I'm tired.

Packing for my weekend trip, yoga, and a trip to the doctor (no botox this time since I requested another EMG-we'll see if that shows anything different than the last test). Then I was on my way to Phoenix!

I stayed at Drury Inn in Tempe. Work training introduced me to this hotel, but I'd go back again and again. It's clean, has comfy beds, and complimentary breakfast and dinner. Win, win!

I laid down for a quick nap when I got there, but woke up feeling stir crazy. So I took myself for a little walk over to IKEA to do some shopping.

I ended up with some family gifts as well as these cute ceramic cacti for my best friend:

I mapped my walk through IKEA and figured out that the market itself is over half a mile. I added onto that with my walk over to the restaurant and then a stop at Panera to pick up some wholesome dinner. The hotel food is okay, but I wanted the freshness of Panera.

The night was beautiful. I am not a big fan of Phoenix's traffic and air pollution, but the warm fall temperatures are amazing. I also enjoy the palm trees that the warmer temperatures allow to grow.

I went with the ancient grain, arugula, and chicken salad and a pumpkin muffin for dinner.

I intended to save the muffin for snack, but felt hungry enough to eat it with dinner.

I have struggled with stomach discomfort all week and unfortunately it returned after eating, so all I did for the rest of the time was finish the pictured crossword and surf social media. 

I ate a Kashi Honey Almond Flax granola bar and hit the hay at 9 pm, praying to feel better in the morning.

I didn't feel great when I woke up, but I made it out to The Butterfly Run anyway. I probably arrived earlier than needed, but I got a cool grab bag:

This race was the first of several of its kind. I really wanted to run in this race because it supports research for children's behavioral health, something about which I am very passionate. The statistics about children's mental health are staggering. For example one out of five children is diagnosed with a mental illness before the age of 12. I work in behavioral health and the numbers of suffering children still make me want to cry. What was cool about this race was the partnership of Big Lots in supporting it. The CEO of Big Lots, David Campisi was there in person from Columbus, Ohio. Big Lots employees from all over the US came, too, as well as Dr. Steve Allen of Nationwide Children's Hospital. I find it really encouraging to see companies and healthcare organizations partnering together like this.

The race itself started at Kiwanis Park and went around the lake. The course was well-marked, but somehow my directions got off and I had only run two miles when I got to the three mile banner. So I walked my RunKeeper and tried to keep up. I ended at 3.08 miles, a little less than the 3.114 needed for 5K, but I had to let it go.

After the race, I met my Arkansas best friend for breakfast at The Broken Yolk. I went for a simple two eggs breakfast with rye toast and home fries. I expected something like seasoned breakfast potatoes with the home fries, but they turned out more like scalloped potatoes without the cheese. Whatever. At least the potatoes were real and with a little added ketchup and cholula sauce, they tasted great.

My friend and I headed to Arizona Mills for shopping after that. This is one of the nicest malls I've been to, with a full mile indoor circuit of stores. We hit up Marshall's, Ross Dress for Less, and a variety of other smaller stores. We mostly made Christmas gift purchases, but we did stop into a photo booth to document our adventures.

Post shopping, we parted ways, she to the event she came to Phoenix for, and I to my home. It was a good weekend.

Happy Veteran's Day, and thanks again to all who served!

The "F-Word"

I'd like to address a trend I've seen on Instagram: using the "f-word" towards things (especially psychiatric disorders) and people. (I'm assuming that I don't need to spell out the word for you and that you know what word I'm talking about.) 

I know that the "f-word" is a cuss word and that people like to use it to describe how they feel. But when they do that, are they remembering what the "f-word" means? To be explicit, yet vague, it's a term used to describe sexual intercourse. Given that, do people really want to "f" depression, eating disorders, OCD, negative opinions, and critical words? Sexual intercourse is an intimate act. Do people really want to get intimate with psychiatric disorders and people who are cruel? I don't think so. I think they want these things to "bug off," to "get lost."

The first time I heard someone use the "f-word" correctly was in a description of a sexual assault the person endured. That wasn't a good thing. So again I ask, do people really want to use the "f-word?" Do they want to speak of the thing that are violent to thm (e.g.the depression that steals people's happiness, eating disorders that strip bodies of nutrients and health, OCD that torments people with obsessions, negative opinions that lead to guilt and shame) using a word associated with violence? I don't think so! 

William Madsen, a narrative therapist, suggests that the language people use is important. In his book Collaborative Therapy with Multi-Stressed Families he writes, “Militaristic metaphors such as beating, kicking, or thrashing a problem fit with patriarchal ways of being in the world and have the potential to replicate those ways of being at the same time that we are seeking alternatives to them” (p. 208). Based on his assertion and the thought I've shared above, I'd like to make a suggestion: If you're really upset about something, use your words. Describe the negative effect that thing has had on your life. Show pictures of the devastation. Ask another person to write a testimony about what they saw you experience. Just don't use the "f-word." It's not descriptive. It will keep some people from reading your post. And most of all, it will further propel the trend of fighting violence with violence.