Coming Home

“He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: 'Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.'”

~Matthew 18:2-3

I made the decision to move back Arizona a little over two years ago. On faith, I decided to pack up and leave, without a job, relationship, or a place of my own to go to. It has been a rough several years, but despite all the twists and turns of life, I feel like I'm finally coming home.

Coming home in a lot of ways looks like becoming a child again. I live with my mom and dad. Little brother was home for awhile. Though Mom and Dad treat me as an adult and respect me, we are once again making family memories over kid things like meals and grocery shopping and hiking.

I am regularly engaging in kid activities in my daily life. I ride bikes with a kid every other week for work. I went kayaking for the first time in 20 years a few Sundays ago. This year, I hung out with horses for the first time since I moved home. I do a lot more art. The things that mattered to me as a kid (and even some that didn't) are suddenly coming back into my life.

My relationship with my body has had its fits and starts, but I feel like I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin. I've become un-vegetarian since moving home and eat a lot more “fun food” because it's available. I now enjoy pizza most weekends, a favorite “kid food.” I wear yoga pants more than jeans, and that's okay, both with me and with work. Yoga pants/leggings were my favorite attire growing up, and they are becoming so again. Why not wear comfy when I can?

When as a child, I first told Mom what I wanted to do with my life, she told me that she couldn't see me sitting behind a desk. I got a little upset, but she was right. My job has been hard, but I feel like I'm finally starting to own it. I play with kids A LOT, and it's fun. My employer embraces atypical services and that's a good thing for me. Hard as this job may be, I feel like I'm doing what I was designed to do since I was a child: helping people.

Brene Brown writes, “We can't selectively numb emotion. Numb the dark and you numb the light.” Children generally don't know how to numb. They learn that “skill” as they experience trauma and hardship and disappointment. They start to tune out life as a means of survival. God doesn't want us to live like that. He wants us to live out of faith and trust and a belief that He is good and that there is good in the world created. He wants us to celebrate the good amidst the bad.

I've been “home” for almost two years, but I feel like I'm finally coming home, home to myself and to the person God created me to be. The highs are high and the lows are low, but I am finally feeling them and integrating them into my existence. God is bringing me to a place of more authentic living, to increased reliance and dependence on Him, and that is where I need to dwell. Praise be to Him!