“He called a little child to him, and
placed the child among them. And he said: 'Truly I tell you, unless
you change and become like little children, you will never enter the
kingdom of heaven.'”
~Matthew 18:2-3
I made the decision to move back
Arizona a little over two years ago. On faith, I decided to pack up
and leave, without a job, relationship, or a place of my own to go
to. It has been a rough several years, but despite all the twists and
turns of life, I feel like I'm finally coming home.
Coming home in a lot of ways looks like
becoming a child again. I live with my mom and dad. Little brother
was home for awhile. Though Mom and Dad treat me as an adult and
respect me, we are once again making family memories over kid things like
meals and grocery shopping and hiking.
I am regularly engaging in kid activities in my daily life. I ride bikes with a kid every other week for work. I
went kayaking for the first time in 20 years a few Sundays ago. This year, I
hung out with horses for the first time since I moved home. I do a lot more art. The
things that mattered to me as a kid (and even some that didn't) are
suddenly coming back into my life.
My relationship with my body has had
its fits and starts, but I feel like I am becoming more comfortable
in my own skin. I've become un-vegetarian since moving home and eat a
lot more “fun food” because it's available. I now enjoy pizza
most weekends, a favorite “kid food.” I wear yoga pants more than
jeans, and that's okay, both with me and with work. Yoga
pants/leggings were my favorite attire growing up, and they are
becoming so again. Why not wear comfy when I can?
When as a child, I first told Mom what I wanted to do with my life, she told me that she couldn't see me
sitting behind a desk. I got a little upset, but she was right. My
job has been hard, but I feel like I'm finally starting to own it. I
play with kids A LOT, and it's fun. My employer embraces atypical
services and that's a good thing for me. Hard as this job may
be, I feel like I'm doing what I was designed to do since I was a
child: helping people.
Brene Brown writes, “We can't
selectively numb emotion. Numb the dark and you numb the light.”
Children generally don't know how to numb. They learn that “skill”
as they experience trauma and hardship and disappointment. They start
to tune out life as a means of survival. God doesn't want us to live
like that. He wants us to live out of faith and trust and a belief
that He is good and that there is good in the world created. He wants
us to celebrate the good amidst the bad.
I've been “home” for almost two
years, but I feel like I'm finally coming home, home to myself and to
the person God created me to be. The highs are high and the lows are
low, but I am finally feeling them and integrating them into my
existence. God is bringing me to a place of more authentic living, to
increased reliance and dependence on Him, and that is where I need to
dwell. Praise be to Him!
