Real Life Marriage: Holy Not Happy (A Reprise)

When I first got married, I really railed against the idea that marriage is "to make you holy not happy"  (a paraphrase from Gary Thomas' (2015) book Sacred Marriage). It was really that word "not" that I railed against. Marriage was making me happy, and I wanted to enjoy it. I still do. Marriage is a gift from God, one I do not want to take for granted. Six plus years into marriage, though, I think I am starting to get it.

I love my husband. Really, I do! He is a gift. He is smart, kind, caring, compassionate, helpful, wise, and so much more-AND-we are very different. Six years in, those differences seem to be becoming more, not less pronounced. Or maybe they are just becoming more apparent as we experience more of life together. If marriage was all about happiness, I would argue that we would be out. Marriage is a lot more about sanctification, or at least overtly choosing that path.

Being married to a very different person forces me to confront my selfishness over and over again. If I am honest, most of the time I just want to make choices that benefit myself. I want to eat what and where I want to eat. I want to do chores on my schedule. I want to watch movies I like. I want to spend money on things for me. Sometimes I want to make choices that benefit and bless my husband, but most often, I don't. Marriage makes that very apparent. Marriage show me how much I need to grow.

I have plenty of happy times with my husband. We enjoy adventuring together. We travel. We play games. In this season, though, my need to grow is apparent. I have always needed the Lord's sanctifying work, but now more than ever, I see it. Marriage is an instrument God is using in my life. Man, it can be rough. Man it can be painful. Since marriage is God's will for me, though, I would not have it any other way. I need to be more holy and when God in His grace allowed me to get married, this was part of His plan.

Reference:

Thomas, G. (2015). Sacred marriage: What if God designed marriage to make us holy rather than to make us happy? Zondervan.

Three Reasons Why Happiness Is Hard

I used to think that happiness came easily, without effort. In fact, I think I defined happiness by its unwilled nature. But is that truly the case? Does happiness always come without work? I've come to believe lately that happiness is often hard. Here are three reasons why:

1) Sometimes our brains don't have what they need. Happiness requires both an activating event and a brain response. Sometimes our brains don't have what it takes to respond in a way that makes us feel happy, that is, the chemicals that happy antecedents should trigger don't come. This is why I personally believe that medication is sometimes necessary. Sometimes our brains need help to work the way that God-intended. Taking medication can have its own side effects, though. It can be hard, especially is a culture that still casts shame on mental health struggles. But the hard of medication, short- or long-term may be what is required to actually feel happy.

2) Happiness itself can bring with it feelings of guilt. In the midst of hard times, it can feel bad, even wrong to have happiness. When loved ones die, when people are in, when we are in the midst of a pandemic, happiness feels out of place. I think that's one of the reasons God gave us happiness, though, to sustain us in times of trial. It is hard to let happiness come when it feels like all we should feel is pain, but we should let it, because it may be that happiness that gets us through.

3) Fear can come in tow. It can be scary to feel happiness, because if we let ourselves have it, we acknowledge that we may soon not have it. Some of us would rather live in the expected hard than cope with the pain that comes from the ebb and flow of happiness. There isn't really a fix here, other than to acknowledge the fear and feel happy anyway. To live in fear is no way to live.

Is happiness worth it? Yes, I think it is. But happiness is also hard. I think if we acknowledged that, we might work a little more to achieve happiness, and in so doing, increase our appreciation of it.

Marriage Misnomers: Holy Not Happy

 "Marriage is to make you holy, not happy." A paraphrase from Gary Thomas', I heard this time and time again leading up to marriage. I even read the book (Sacred Marriage) from which the quote was taken. But I didn't fully agree. I still don't fully agree. Marriage is hard. It has a sanctifying effect, sure, but I'm convinced it doesn't exclude happiness. Maybe I'm going out on a limb, but I'm going to say that if your marriage doesn't bring you happiness, there is a problem.

We live in the 21st century, a time and a place where we have the privilege of choosing our spouses. We choose our spouses because of attraction, because of love, because of compatibility. One of my greatest joys in life is doing life with my husband: adventuring, cooking, paying bills, even going shopping. (Yes, these same activities also bring sanctification.) I mourn for my brothers and sisters who want to experience this happiness, but have not yet been granted its gift. Marriage provides opportunities for future joy, too: in celebration, in dating, in intimacy, in laughter. The author of Proverbs realized that when he wrote, "May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth" (Proverbs 5:18, New International Version [NIV]). Is there hard stuff? Sure. But if the hard stuff eclipses happiness all the time, that might be a sign that your marriage is not in the right place.

Marriage accelerates growth. We need to weigh that fact, consider it, and take it to heart before we get married. When we get married, we need to be aware of the attacks that will come against our marriages. We need to work at at marriages lest they stagnate. We need to be holy because first and foremost, marriage honors God. But we must not forsake joy and happiness, because God is Joy. Happiness helps keep our marriages healthy, and healthy marriages image God.

Marriage is to make us not only happy, but also holy. Marriage is to make us not only holy, but also more joy-filled. Marriage can make us holy and happy. I think that's a better way to put it.

Celebration

Those that follow me on Instagram may have noticed something different about November. I posted every day. If you didn't catch the theme, the posts may have seemed random. And they were, but with intention. Using the National Day Calendar, I found something to celebrate every day. Silly at times? Yes! Needed? Yes! In this season of days without end, I needed something to mark my days. I also needed to flex my happiness muscles. 

I'm no brain scientist, but I do have a degree in behavioral health. In my personal and professional experience, I have realized that we need not only the chemicals in our brain to produce happiness (which is why I think that sometimes anti-depressants or other psychotropic drugs are needed), but also need to have the experiences that give those good brain chemicals chances to work. I was running low on at least the latter, and I needed to change that.

I had grown weary in trying to celebrate life. I would make plans to celebrate and then let them go, giving the excuse that I was too tired and weary. Celebration just seemed like a stressor. And in a way, it was. But it was a good stress, a stress I needed to feel happy.

The early days of November came with some struggle to get to my daily celebration. I just wanted to give up, but my commitment to celebrating and posting about it kept me going. (I honestly put celebration Instagram post on my daily to-do list.) Some days were a stretch. Some days, I celebrated late, but I made it through.

Do I feel happier? No, not necessarily, but I know I gave myself a chance. I also gave myself a task to work at and complete. That alone helped my brain at least a little. Will I continue? Maybe. Maybe not. What I do know is that I need to keep working at celebration, as it does not always come easily or naturally. And does anything good come steadily and easily? I'm beginning to wonder if it does. Maybe work is part of the process of celebration.

Marriage Misnomers: Happy Wife, Happy Life

"Happy wife, happy life." It's a saying I've heard too many times to count. To some extent, it's true. And it goes right along with the family version of the saying, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Emotions do have a way of bleeding over. When one person is sad, or mad, or happy, others often join. But in marriage, is this true? Yes, and No.

The Bible says that marriage makes two people one flesh. One flesh has one brain, which connotes one set of emotions. So in the sense that marriage people share life and love together, they share feelings. So if the wife is happy, the husband should be happy, too. Right? Well in theory, yes, but in practice, no.

There are many times that I am happy and my husband is not. For example, I may have a good day at work while he has a bad one. When we convene at the dinner table, our emotions differ in response to our circumstances. My happiness can't fix what happened to him. They might make him happy for me, but not make him actually happy for himself. Similarly, if he makes a ground-breaking achievement at work while I get called in to talk to my boss, he may be happy and I may not be. As a result, our life together may not be as happy as either one of us would wish it.

"Happy wife, happy life" is usually aimed at a husband, inferring that if he can make his life happier if he makes his wife happy. That places a lot of burden on the husband. That infers that the husband actually have power to make their wife happy. That just isn't true. Sometimes the wife just isn't happy. It's that time of the month. Her friends have been mean. She has had a bad day at work. She is sad, scared, lonely, hungry, angry. A husband can help his wife process. He can try to cheer up his wife. He can love his wife. That might lead to more happiness, but he can't make her happy.

There is a second part to the saying, too: "Happy life." This is the conclusion that a wife is happy, the husband will have a happy life. Husbands have more going on than marriage. They have hard days, too. No matter how much a wife may do for or with them, sometimes they are just unhappy and that is part of life.

"Happy wife, happy life?" No. Happiness is more than just one spouse. And life is more than happiness. Joy-filled marriage, joy-filled life? That might be more like it.

God Gives "Two Cents!"

It had been a long, hard week. I had just picked up my groceries at Wal-Mart and still needed to grab a few items at Safeway. I felt defeated. I really didn't want to spend any more money! I'd already spent enough. And I just wanted to go home. But we needed the items at Safeway, so I went.

Dragging myself into the store, I picked up the items on the list. In my head, I debated over each one. Should I buy it? Should I not? Did we really need it? Or could we do without? Should I buy bread, or make it? In the end, I decided to forgo the bread, but buy everything else.

I sometimes add up my expected grocery bill in my head as I shop, but not this time. Waiting in line at the self-check, I was just too tired to do it. I just wanted to buy the groceries and go home. I got to the kiosk soon enough and started scanning. Beep! Beep! Beep! My total just kept increasing. I didn't watch too closely. just wanted to get it over with and go home. But then the "magic" happened. I put in my savings card and the total started decreasing. Down, down, down to exactly two cents. I kid you not! I got the biggest smile on my face as I shoved my card into the chip reader. No one could see my face since I was wearing a mask, but if they had, I am sure the relief and joy I felt was evident! I was so happy I even talked to the clerk on the way out! Once home, I just had to take a picture of the receipt and send it to my mom. She is the one who taught me my super scrappy saver skills anyway (though I don't do her "education" justice).

Mom's reply?

And Mom's wisdom comes through again. I hadn't thought about the significance of the two cents until she said something. We use "two cents" to say our opinion isn't that valuable, or isn't worth much. This, on the other hand, was worth so much as a sign of God's care! In the exhaustion, depression, and despair of these current times, I confess that I've often forgotten to look for God's fingerprints, yet God came through on this date in time. He knew the week I had. He knew my stress over the grocery budget. He knew the exact weight of all that produce I would buy. His Holy Spirit prompted me to buy what I did, nothing more or less. God provided the coupons and made the total what it was, and then brought along my mom to help me see the significance. Providence. 

I simply don't believe in coincidence. This experience was a spiritual one, a sign that God has two cents (and so much more!) about our lives. He sees. He cares, even about the little things, especially about the little things, even if those things are only worth two cents in the world's eyes.

Meaningful

I read a quote some time ago from Bob Goff: "God isn't trying to make our lives easier; He wants to make them more meaningful." Could any quote be more apt? During this time of COVID-19, it seems that nothing is easy. Getting groceries is hard. Wearing masks is hard. Being without our normal fellowship and having our sense of community disrupted are hard. Some are dealing with jobs lost and lives lost. Health professionals are working more, or less. The way we all work has certainly changed. Schools are online, or off line. Some resources are scarce. Some resources are being produced in such great abundance that we now have recalls about ones that are poisonous. Who knows when the economy will ever return to normal? I suspect we will never get back to the normal we have. It's all difficult. So, so hard.

Do I believe that God caused COVID-19? No. But in His sovereignty, I do believe that He is allowing it. Why? I don't know the ultimate reason why, but I do know that He desires that we be holy over happy. This season certainly gives us reason to live that out.

Now is certainly not an easy time, but it is a time when things take on a lot more meaning. The arduous task of grocery shopping makes food prep and purchasing more meaningful and valuable. Masks cause me to realize the importance of smiling and otherwise having non-verbal communication. Physical distancing makes the ability to hug loved ones seem oh, so much sweeter. Having work, even if it is a lot of work to do it in these times, is a great blessing. Seeing the weight of decisions resting on the backs of public officials causes me to give thanks for this country, and to pray even more fervently for those that govern. Is this life easy? No. Is it meaningful? Yes.

We have a choice now, to complain and gripe and mourn, or to make the most of these days, to focus on what really matters. Who knows when this pandemic will end? Who knows when life will get easier? No one but God. May we make life meaningful in the meantime.

Make Your Own Happiness.

I made my own birthday cake this year. I wasn't sure how or if we would get to celebrate my birthday, and I wanted to do something. I felt a little selfish cooking for just myself, but knew I'd be happier for it. I think sometimes life is like that. We want people to make happiness for us, but sometimes we need to make our own.

My birthday came at an odd time this year. It was in the middle of a pandemic. It was in the middle of a work week. It was in the middle of college finals week. We'd planned to go see my parents the weekend prior, but didn't know if we could. I could let my birthday pass and be grumpy and mourn, or I could take the initiative and make my own celebration. That's what I did. In the end, I actually got to see my family to celebrate, and my mom made me a big cake. My mini celebration made room for a larger celebration with others.

Sometimes we need to take ourselves out for coffee. Sometimes we need to plan our own dates. Sometimes we need to make our own cakes. Sometimes we need to initiate our own celebrations of life. Sometimes we need to make our own happiness.

Making our own happiness prepares us to celebrate with others. Making our own happiness gets our brains ready to receive joy. I'm not saying be selfish. Still care for others. Still serve and give selflessly, but don't wait for permission to take care of yourself and live. Putting in a little time for personal celebration may make room for more, or at least make you a more pleasant person to be around. (In full disclosure, I ended up freezing the cake I made and brought it out later to celebrate my husband.)

So here's to celebration. Here's to happiness. Here's to a little self-care, a little more self-love, and celebrating with those we love when we can. May the world be better for it.

When Times are Good...

Life is a swirl of excitement right now. There's a new niece, and wedding planning, and friend visits, and spring, beautiful spring! I want to celebrate it all and live out this season of celebration, but honestly, there's still fear. 

Fear of not having enough time to invest with all the people I love
Fear of missing out on one thing or another
Fear of the other shoe dropping and this facade of happiness crumbling
Fear of sickness
Fear of conflict
Fear of fear

And all the fear eats at my joy.

"When times are good, be happy," King Solomon wrote (Ecc 7:14a, New International Version). That's the sentiment that keeps coming back to me. So I'm trying. Trying to live in the moment. Trying to wring every drop of joy out of this season. These times are a blessing, for God has blessed me.

With family I love
With a fiance I love
With a beautiful new niece who's growing by the day
With warmer weather
And sunshine-y days
And hiking
And living 
And planning
And breathing
And being

WITH BEING A BELOVED CHILD OF GOD!

Hard times will come. That's what the latter part of the verse says. But God has made the happy times as well as the hard. I want and need to celebrate both.

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Love

Things Love Does:

• Takes time off work.
• Gets up early.
• Travels long distances.
• Joins with others in preparations.
• Celebrates.
• Gives.

Ultimately, love for me condenses down to three categories: God, Others, and Self. I'd argue that all three are important. As I traveled to my cousin's wedding this weekend, I had a front row seat to see love in all three areas.

God:

• Blessed me with an easier work day Friday before I flew out.
• Provided the means (financial, energy, and otherwise) to go on this trip.
• Showed His love through the many selfless acts of love I saw: "Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us" (1 John 4:11-12).

Others:

• Sacrificed to travel with us. Originally, only my mom and I planned to go on this trip, but my dad and boyfriend decided to take time off work to accompany us. That was a sacrifice of their time and resources, as well as extra work since they had to find people to cover the tasks they left behind.

• Invited us to celebrate in their special occasions. My paternal cousin and his wife were celebrating their son's birthday this weekend, but let us join in since that was the only time we could see them. What a blessing! I haven't seen that part of the family for probably seventeen years. And their son was so adorable!
• Gave up comfort in order to provide comfort for us. We had amazing hosts who not only freed up spare rooms for us, but also talked to us, fed us, gave us directions, and even offered to iron our clothes. Wow! I was blown away by the gift of God's grace seen through them.
• Joined with us in preparations. We joined with an amazing group of people team up with my maternal aunt and uncle to prepare for their daughter's wedding. Some were family. Some were friends. Some were neighbors. My boyfriend did a ton even though he was just a guest. What gifts!
• Demonstrated Christlikeness in their relationships. My cousin and new husband had such a godly wedding ceremony. I admire them and was so blessed to celebrate in their special day! Congratulations, you two!
• Showed love in the little things. My uncle bought lunch for us. Dad got Mom coffee from Starbuck's multiple times. Mom and my boyfriend went walking with me in the airports, and in the community. Dad drove us through Chik-Fil-A when I asked for that for supper. My boyfriend checked me in for my return flight so I didn't have to get up so early. Mom took pictures (because she knows how much I like them and how much they mean to me). Wow. I am blessed!

• Loved me when I was less than lovable. Traveling and stress don't make me the nicest, most pleasant person, but the people around me were still kind and compassionate. I need to work on being more kind to them!

Myself: 

• Set limits. This one was hard for me. I am realizing more and more that I can only do so much. Loving others means I have to love myself enough to say, "No" and save my energy for what's really important. I had to do that a few times this weekend, and I didn't like it, but I needed to do it.
• Meant taking time away. Walking did that for me this weekend. I also spent a little time before bed each night by myself doing crosswords and eating my snack. I want to be able to go, go, go and be around people all the time, but the reality is that I am an introvert and need time alone to recharge. I can love others better when I take time out.

The US Constitution says men are endowed with certain inalienable rights, including life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I changed the last part to the pursuit of love for the purpose of this post, because I think we need love to experience happiness. I always thought love was a "given," but God has been showing me that love takes work. It's required opening myself up to greater vulnerability and even pain, but it's also brought more richness to life, more joy. Praise God for times like this weekend when I've seen both the beauty of love and the need to grow in it at the same time.