Real Life Marriage: Things I Never Expected

Photo by Sharon Lane

In our first ten months of marriage, I never expected...

...Marriage to be so hard.
...Marriage to expose so much of my selfishness.
...To move hours away from my family.
...To buy a house.
...To change jobs.
...To have the honeymoon period wear off and yet still love so much it hurts.
...To have my identity change.
...To let go of so many things that used to matter so much.
...To have amazing best friends, but yet find my husband really is becoming my bestest friend.
...To be living through a pandemic.

We are healthy and well today, and for that, we praise God. And I am thankful. For all the hard times, and the good times. To be with my person, even if it is cooped up in a house. That we got married last year instead of this year. For a God who knew everything that would happen on this earth before it all begin. We stand in awe of him.

Arkansas, Actually

"Arkansas, actually." That's what I say when people ask me where I went to school. I received not one, but both of my degrees from a little school in Siloam Springs, Arkansas called John Brown University. It was by no means a perfect school, but I am thankful for it. And this past weekend, Chris and I got to return to celebrate the centennial anniversary of the school.

We started off our journey with an early morning trip to the airport. We of course got delayed in Dallas, but we took some good Texas pictures.

And I found some Twisted Root:

It took us a bit to get our rental car, but they were out of the economy model I requested, so we got to toodle around in this Hyundai Tucson. 

Off we went to the mall for some birthday shopping, and then to Hammontree's for some gourmet grilled cheese.

(I got the Ragin' Cajun, with andouille sausage and poblano peppers on cornmeal bread.)

Then off to our gracious hosts and to bed for the night.

I woke up decently early Friday morning and decided to go for my 4.5 mile jog. I forgot that Arkansas has hills....

Then it was off to the centennial chapel and time capsule opening. 

The time capsule opening was not that fantastic, but hearing them read what is going into the new time capsule was pretty funny. Who knows what will happen in the next 50 years? And seeing my best friends from college made everything all the better.

After the time capsule, it was alumni shopping time and lunch time. We visited my great aunt and uncle, I took Chris to see the camp where I spent some growing up years, and then we had dinner with our host family. 

Saturday was walk with a friend,

coffee time, rugby,

 and the Homegrown festival. 

Chris and I basically just hung out with my Arkansas best friend until lunch time. 

Lunch was the vegetarian burrito at La Huerta, an old favorite!

I napped Saturday afternoon because I was SO tired. Then we went to dinner at Barnett's.

(I mean, I really just went for the ice cream.)

Then off to the showcase and fireworks. 

The fireworks show was pretty epic if I do say so myself.

We had another early flight Sunday morning, more flight delays, and a long day in Phoenix, but it was worth it.

Sweet potato red pepper sandwich at Worth Takeaway

Here's to another 100 years, JBU, Lord willing!

Moments and Memories

I never thought I'd have a wedding day. And then I did. Marrying Chris was (and is!) such a blessing, but there are so many other God-things about the wedding weekend and wedding day that I want to remember:

1) Having my entire family back together again. Thanks little brother for majorly inconveniencing yourself with work in order to make it!

2) Having both my best friends in the same place at the same time. And on National Best Friend's Day, at that!

3) Saturday night family dinner. I was initially opposed to this, but seeing and spending time with maternal and paternal relatives before the wedding was such a blessing.

4) Not having to decorate, and being able to nap instead. I read some time ago in my Savor devotional that "what make[s] a wedding day perfect is...a bride and groom who are happy, connected, and present" (p. 165). The best gift I felt I could give Chris was an unfrazzled bride. Letting go of decorating and resting was one way I did this.

5) Our rehearsal dinner. One of our sweet friends and her cohorts decorated for us and put scriptures about love on each table. The decorations were both beautiful and meaningful.

6) Prayer at my girls' get together/bachelorette. My friends prayed the sweetest things over me and thanked God that they got to be part of my life for my long single season. The words they said and offered up were so encouraging. They gave me a ton of gifts, as well as a notebook with well wishes and a long list of fun questions for Chris and I to discuss on our honeymoon drive. Thanks, girls!

7) Singing "To God be the Glory" right before the ceremony. My Mom prayed for God's glory in the ceremony, and then we had more time to sign. Hearing my best friends, mom, and bridesmaids sing alongside me was probably the best moment outside the ceremony.

8) Having our niece and nephew as flower girl and ring bearer. They were the cutest! And they stood through the whole entire ceremony. Basically, they're rock stars!

9) Dismissing our guests row by row. It is still hard for me to remember everyone who attended our wedding, but I am so glad we at least got to see and greet them all as we dismissed them to the reception. This made us feel better about not being present for much of that time. We really wanted the reception to be for the guests and not us anyway.

There are many more moments and "God-things" from wedding weekend that I could probably share, but for now, this is a pretty good list.

When Times are Good...

Life is a swirl of excitement right now. There's a new niece, and wedding planning, and friend visits, and spring, beautiful spring! I want to celebrate it all and live out this season of celebration, but honestly, there's still fear. 

Fear of not having enough time to invest with all the people I love
Fear of missing out on one thing or another
Fear of the other shoe dropping and this facade of happiness crumbling
Fear of sickness
Fear of conflict
Fear of fear

And all the fear eats at my joy.

"When times are good, be happy," King Solomon wrote (Ecc 7:14a, New International Version). That's the sentiment that keeps coming back to me. So I'm trying. Trying to live in the moment. Trying to wring every drop of joy out of this season. These times are a blessing, for God has blessed me.

With family I love
With a fiance I love
With a beautiful new niece who's growing by the day
With warmer weather
And sunshine-y days
And hiking
And living 
And planning
And breathing
And being

WITH BEING A BELOVED CHILD OF GOD!

Hard times will come. That's what the latter part of the verse says. But God has made the happy times as well as the hard. I want and need to celebrate both.

Wise Words

I have a tendency to freak out about things. I over think. I over react. I get all in a tizzy when I don't need to. During one such episode earlier this year, my dear best friend texted me these wise words:

"There are no promises. There is no guarantee. Everything is terrifying, and there is only Jesus."

She couldn't have said anything more apt. There truly are no promises in this world. There are only the truths of the living Bible. There are no guarantees, only the reality that God is holy and that His definition of good will eventually win out. This world and its troubles are frightening. I truly don't know what will happen today, or tomorrow, or in the future. I only know that the end of my story is eternity in heaven won by Jesus' sacrificial death on the cross for my sins.

As I've faced fear after fear lately, and walked with my family and friends as they've faced their own fears, I've continually repeated my friend's words, "Everything is terrifying, and there is only Jesus." I don't enjoy facing fear, but realizing that fear is part of life and that my Savior is my only certainty is life-giving. The way I live my life is a choice, and I choose Jesus.

Singleness is a Lonely Place.

I've been single for my entire life. It wasn't such a big deal when I was in high school, or college, or even a little bit post college. I had my family, my friends, and my people. But now, as I pass 30 and head into the wide unknown of the future, my singleness hurts.

As a teen, I always thought I would get married and have my own family post-college. I had life planned out up until that point. When college ended and I found myself unmarried, I wasn't quite sure what to do. But God provided a place for me to live with college girls and they became my family. In some ways, it was weird being the only working adult in a house full of college students, but I became a surrogate mom of sorts. In that role, I harped on the girls to keep the house clean, tried to model a "normal" sleep schedule, and even signed the discharge papers for a roommate who had an unexpected emergency room trip. I found my place, for a few years.

My college friends got married and some of them moved on. I started graduate school for counseling and though I felt called to talk that step, I still had the idea in the back of my mind that I might get married afterward. "Counseling would be a good side job if I had a family," I thought. But grad school came and went and even my very best friends married and moved on. I decided to move myself.

I had no expectation that I'd get married when I moved home to Arizona. But I also had no idea that I'd end up actually living at home with my parents for over two years (and I'm going on year three!) This has been a redeeming time, but I am also realizing how very lonely I feel. I'm trying to figure out where I fit and how to find my own community outside my family of origin, and it's HARD.

There isn't a great place for singles in the world, and especially in the church. I hid out for awhile after I got home, trying to find a community of people like myself. But I mostly found older singles recovering from divorce, married moms my own age, and much younger high schoolers. I didn't do a whole lot with any of them because I felt out of place and different. But then I got desperate for community and convicted that I needed to try it, and I and started to humble myself and reach out more. I started going to the Bible study of mostly older, married women, hanging out with 18 year-olds on worship team, and basically doing whatever I could to find and associate with people. As a result my singleness has begun to be acknowledged and I have made some friends, which is refreshing in some ways. But now it's like I'm the poster child for singleness and the receipt of extra advice and feedback in that department. It's kind of a catch-22.

My mom says I'm sensitive about my singleness, and I think she's right. Singleness is a my reality right now, but it's not the sum total of my existence. I'm a counselor, a daughter, a friend, and a child of God. I have a lot of relationships that need love and attention, and in some ways, my singleness allows me to give more attention to those than I could if I was married. Singleness has some benefits, too. As a single, I can travel at will (as long as I schedule time off work). I have expendable income. I can make decisions and take risks that, to some extent, don't adversely affect others. I am able to hang out with a wide variety of people that I otherwise might not be able to. Do I still want to be married? Yes, but I'm not sure if that's God's will for me, and I know I can be lonely even in a marriage, because only God can completely meet my needs.

Singleness is a lonely place, but I think it can also be a lovely place, if I let it. I just need to stop focusing so much on my loneliness and live life. Because if I just live life, I think I'll find myself more thankful, more grateful, more content, and more satisfied. Singleness isn't my life. Christ is my life, and He is the only One who will never leave nor forsake me (Deut 31:8).

Food, Freckles, Fun

I spent last weekend in the islands, The Bahama Islands, to be precise. Two of my best friends from college and I went on a three day cruise out of Orlando. It's what I wanted to do for my 30th birthday, but it got delayed a little due to scheduling.

I took an early afternoon flight out of Phoenix and arrived in Orlando late. (Thanks, four hour flight plus a three hour time difference.) It took my forever to get to the hotel due to trouble finding the shuttle, but I made it. Being greeted by these two was spectacular. It was late, but we proceeded to girl talk late into the night/early morning. I laughed so hard I spit the water I was drinking all over myself. These two are some of the few that really understand me and know me enough to get me to my silly state.

We departed for the ship mid-morning. Uber and Lyft are the way to go. My friend gets credit for reservations, but we had nice cars and nice drivers and the price was very reasonable!

We got to the ship in time for lunch and then toured the boat. This boat wasn't as nice as the last one (no sauna or steam room), but it worked. We weren't on the boat that much anyway.

Food on the boat is pretty spectacular. There are options of the main dining room or the buffet for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We went with the main dining room for all three meals, but dinner was definitely the best. You can pick your appetizer, entree, and dessert each night, but here's a sampling of what I had:

Calamari

Spectacular salmon

Tasty duck

Roasted lamb

And plenty of snacks spread throughout

I climbed the rock wall the first morning. It took me three tries since I am pretty weak because of my hand stuff, but I did it!

Then we got off the boat and went for a walk in Nassau, Bahamas. We wanted to see Atlantis resort, but underestimated the distance and exertion of the walk. When we got there, it cost an arm and a leg to see anything. Oh well. We still had the experience.

The next day was all day at CoCo Cay, Royal Caribbean's private island. It was paradise! I waded, went for a walk, and just laid on the beach since being wet is not really my thing. I had some time to actually rest and think, which was awesome.

I wore sunscreen and reapplied, but I still got a little sunburned. I also got a lot more freckles. Oh well, a minor sunburn is a small price to pay for all the fun we had. And I like my freckles.

The most trouble we got into was stamping our own passports. We really didn't get into trouble, either. We just used the stamp sitting on the desk in the empty room and didn't tell on ourselves when the clerk came back.

I had so much fun, and though life has hit me square in the face now that I'm back on land, I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. I am so thankful for the time I spent and so thankful for friends who agreed to go with me. We dubbed this vacation the start of our cruise club, so hopefully they'll be a next time.

This is How I Roll.

I traveled again this past weekend. This time, I went to Colorado to attend a beloved friend's wedding. The wedding is her story to tell, but I thought I'd share a few other fun (and not so fun) details of the trip.

1) I parked a country mile (1.54 miles, to be exact) from the terminal. It made parking $7 cheaper per day, and I'm cheap.

2) I like to leave early when I go to Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport because I like to walk around all the different terminals. The sky bridges are my favorite.

3) I pack lots of snacks! When I asked if I needed to remove snacks from my bag, the agent asked what I had. "Five granola bars," I said. 

When I pulled out my gallon sized Ziploc bag with the granola bars plus all my other loot, the man in front of me said, "Holy ----, lady, you've got a whole refrigerator in there."

Yep. I don't like to be hungry.

4) I tried "half sour" pickles. They taste like salty cucumbers, not pickles.

5) We waited an hour and a half to get our rental car. An hour and a half, people! The poor rental agents were stressed!

6) Splitting food at restaurants is the best! It reduces costs, leaves room for me to try more fun food, and reduces food waste.

Avalon bison burger at Ted's Montana Grill in Denver.

7) I can't eat spicy food anymore. This loaded breakfast hash with jalapenos was tasty, but it hurt my stomach.

Food from Over Easy

8) I'm directionally challenged, so I took a picture of where I parked to find my car for the way home.

Call me a quirky traveler, but this is how I roll, rolling suitcase and all!

The Latest in Crochet

I made my first scarf of the year in a week or so. This one took three months. And now we're out of winter and headed for summer. Oh well, I finished it. This is the Granny Takes a Dip scarf in Red Heart soft navy and gold. Not ironically, these are the colors of my alma mater.

This scarf is part shawl, part scarf, and part blanket, which you can see in this progression of pictures:

And the finished product:

I sent this scarf to my best Arkansas friend who stills works at our school. We'll see how she uses it.

What would you do if you had a scarf this large? Please share in the comments section.