I Choose Joy.

It's no secret that For King and Country is my favorite band. And I do get super excited when they put out a new song. (I'm eagerly awaiting the release of their new album October 5th.) But the reason I like their music so much is that it resonates with me. Take for example, their new song, "Joy."

"And I choose joy" is the central lyric of their chorus. My life is not terrible by any means, but I have been struggling. I get tired and exhausted and somewhat despairing of life more often than I'd like to admit. And multiple times lately, as I've been feeling this way, I've turned on the radio and heard, "Joy." Through it, I heard the Holy Spirit gently asking me, "What will you choose, Sarah?"

I truly believe in the importance of honoring and acknowledging feelings, but I also know I can't dwell in the feeling realm. Nancy Wilson, in her book, Learning Contentment, writes that “Ruminating on your troubles makes you grumpy, increases your lack of thanks for what you have, and 'stresses you out' so you can't enjoy your blessings” (p. 47). She states that the direction of our gaze fixes the contentment of our hearts. As I drove into Prescott last weekend after a particularly frustrating morning, I had to ask myself where my eyes where, and they're weren't on God or on expressing gratitude. They were on myself and my troubles. As God worked on my heart, "Joy" came on and the Spirit once again asked me, "What will you choose?"

So as I work to fix my eyes on Jesus, I'm giving myself a little challenge. I'm starting an #IChooseJoy hashtag campaign for the month of September to remind myself to look for the good, focus on Jesus, and express gratitude. 

Want to join me? Just use the #IChooseJoy hashtag and feel free to tag me when you post. I'm at MyArizonaAdventure over on Instagram and you'll see I started the campaign with my September 1st photo. My goal is to post at least once a day all month long, because I truly want choosing joy to become a habit.

Singleness is a Lonely Place.

I've been single for my entire life. It wasn't such a big deal when I was in high school, or college, or even a little bit post college. I had my family, my friends, and my people. But now, as I pass 30 and head into the wide unknown of the future, my singleness hurts.

As a teen, I always thought I would get married and have my own family post-college. I had life planned out up until that point. When college ended and I found myself unmarried, I wasn't quite sure what to do. But God provided a place for me to live with college girls and they became my family. In some ways, it was weird being the only working adult in a house full of college students, but I became a surrogate mom of sorts. In that role, I harped on the girls to keep the house clean, tried to model a "normal" sleep schedule, and even signed the discharge papers for a roommate who had an unexpected emergency room trip. I found my place, for a few years.

My college friends got married and some of them moved on. I started graduate school for counseling and though I felt called to talk that step, I still had the idea in the back of my mind that I might get married afterward. "Counseling would be a good side job if I had a family," I thought. But grad school came and went and even my very best friends married and moved on. I decided to move myself.

I had no expectation that I'd get married when I moved home to Arizona. But I also had no idea that I'd end up actually living at home with my parents for over two years (and I'm going on year three!) This has been a redeeming time, but I am also realizing how very lonely I feel. I'm trying to figure out where I fit and how to find my own community outside my family of origin, and it's HARD.

There isn't a great place for singles in the world, and especially in the church. I hid out for awhile after I got home, trying to find a community of people like myself. But I mostly found older singles recovering from divorce, married moms my own age, and much younger high schoolers. I didn't do a whole lot with any of them because I felt out of place and different. But then I got desperate for community and convicted that I needed to try it, and I and started to humble myself and reach out more. I started going to the Bible study of mostly older, married women, hanging out with 18 year-olds on worship team, and basically doing whatever I could to find and associate with people. As a result my singleness has begun to be acknowledged and I have made some friends, which is refreshing in some ways. But now it's like I'm the poster child for singleness and the receipt of extra advice and feedback in that department. It's kind of a catch-22.

My mom says I'm sensitive about my singleness, and I think she's right. Singleness is a my reality right now, but it's not the sum total of my existence. I'm a counselor, a daughter, a friend, and a child of God. I have a lot of relationships that need love and attention, and in some ways, my singleness allows me to give more attention to those than I could if I was married. Singleness has some benefits, too. As a single, I can travel at will (as long as I schedule time off work). I have expendable income. I can make decisions and take risks that, to some extent, don't adversely affect others. I am able to hang out with a wide variety of people that I otherwise might not be able to. Do I still want to be married? Yes, but I'm not sure if that's God's will for me, and I know I can be lonely even in a marriage, because only God can completely meet my needs.

Singleness is a lonely place, but I think it can also be a lovely place, if I let it. I just need to stop focusing so much on my loneliness and live life. Because if I just live life, I think I'll find myself more thankful, more grateful, more content, and more satisfied. Singleness isn't my life. Christ is my life, and He is the only One who will never leave nor forsake me (Deut 31:8).

Do I Idolize Contentment?

As much as I talk about wanting contentment, I wonder if I want it too much. I wonder if I want contentment more than I want Jesus, if I'm seeking comfort more than I'm seeking the Comforter. Because when I'm seeking anything more than Jesus, I'm idolatrous.

As I was reading my Bible this morning, these verses really stuck out to me:

Now these things occurred as examples to keep us from setting our hearts on evil things as they did.  Do not be idolaters, as some of them were; as it is written: 'The people sat down to eat and drink and got up to indulge in revelry.'

(1 Corinthians 10:6-7, New International Version).

It struck me that I'm supposed to enjoy life, but that I'm not supposed to idealize, it, or idolize it. When I am too content, too settled, when food and drink and friendship and home satisfy me too much, I don't remember my need for Jesus.

Teresa Swanstrom Anderson writes in her book, Beautifully Interrupted, "Every day [God] reminds me, I didn't put you in this world to be content. I put you in this world to make a difference for My Kingdom" (p. 127). She goes on to write, 

Admittedly, when I'm soul weary there are times I actually crave the fat and happy idea....But I don't think that's the contentment God desires of us....I know it's when He stretches me and I have no choice but to lean heavily on Him that I need to be content. Content with knowing that His plan is the best plan. Unconditional contentment even in the wait. (p. 128).

The Lord knows that I am wanting for and waiting on a lot of things right now. Yet He calls to me, "be content with what [I] have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'" (Heb 13:5). God calls me to be content not in what I have, but with what I have, because I HAVE Him!

I've got a lot to learn about contentment, but here's to pursuing God in that journey. To worshiping the Model and Provider of contentment rather than the virtue itself. To finding my identity as a contented child of Christ rather than idolizing contentment itself. God, help me.

My Bitter Self

I've been finding myself feeling extremely bitter of late. I'm bitter that I'm not married. I'm bitter that my hand doesn't work. I've seen bitterness oozing out of me in the form of negative thoughts, snarky comments, and overall discontent. I don't like my this bitter side of myself.

As I drove into physical therapy recently, I remembered a wise woman's comment, “Anger is a secondary emotion.” And I thought to myself, “I'm not really angry. I'm sad.” I'm sad that I haven't found someone to share my life with. I'm sad that it appears my hand functioning will never return to normal. I'm sad because I have expectations that are going unmet. As I thought all of this, I wondered to myself what would happen if I just let myself be sad. Could I be sad instead of angry?

I talk a lot about feelings, but the truth is that I don't really like emotions, especially the negative ones. And when it comes to negative emotions it's easier for me to feel anger than it is to feel sadness. Anger directs my focus at someone or something. It is external. Sadness, on the other hand, forces me to look inward to myself and my relationship to God. Sadness forces me to realize that that I am not in control and that I must submit to God's plans for me, even in that means long-term singleness and a bum hand. Sadness hurts.

I don't like sadness, but I like my bitter self even less. So I'm trying to let myself feel and deal. God is with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me. Friends and family and plans may fail, but God never does. He gives me reason to rejoice, even amidst the sadness.

Settling

My brother gave me a beautiful wood-wick candle for Christmas. I was saving it for my own home, so I put it away in a cabinet. But since buying and inhabiting my own home seems like a far off dream at this point, I decided to open it and light it. As the candle set there on the corner crackling and burning, I thought, “I've decided to live here. I'm settling."

I'm settling on quite a few things in life right now because I refuse to settle on other things for the long term. I'm settling on living at home with my parents because I refuse to settle on buying a sub-par house, or buying a home that exceeds my budget. I'm settling on being single because I refuse to settle on less than God's best in marriage. I'm settling on suboptimal hand performance because I refuse to settle for more botox. I'm settling on staying in Arizona because I refuse to settle and believe that I've done all I can here.

Life is about decisions, and I've got to settle one way or another. So I'm settling on living out my life right here and right now, rather than reaching for things that aren't good for me.

I'm Still Eating Coconut Oil.

You might not be able to tell, but there's coconut oil on my pancake. 

Yes, I'm still eating it.

I've seen a lot of people freaking out over the American Heart Association's advisory against saturated fat (which I might note is about reducing all saturated fat, not just the kind in coconut oil). They're saying we shouldn't eat it, or at least that we should replace it with a "better fat." You know what? Coconut oil is my "better fat." I used to eat margarine and spreads with trans fat. And "they" said that wasn't good for you. I could see the logic, as trans fats are man made, so I decided to make a switch to a more natural, more "whole" food. (This is what I decided to do. You do what works for you.) I started with butter and didn't like the taste. Then somehow, I stumbled upon coconut oil, and the flavor grew on me. So I made the switch to coconut oil as my bread spread and baking oil (though sometimes I use olive oil if its flavor fits better with what I'm making.) And I liked it.

To be honest, I've only skimmed the American Heart Association article and I'm not dwelling on it because I've already made my decision about what I'm going to do. I'm going to keep on doing what I'm doing because you know what's worse for me than coconut oil? Stress. If I really believe everything I read about food and health, there will be nothing to eat and more exercise than I could possibly do. I'm choosing to be content with my life and my current way of doing things. If you're convicted differently, great! But I'll take your coconut oil.

*Thanks to Emily Fonnesbeck for her article that inspired this post.