I've
been finding myself feeling extremely bitter of late. I'm bitter that
I'm not married. I'm bitter that my hand doesn't work. I've seen
bitterness oozing out of me in the form of negative thoughts, snarky
comments, and overall discontent. I don't like my this bitter side of
myself.
As
I drove into physical therapy recently, I remembered a wise woman's comment, “Anger is a secondary emotion.” And I
thought to myself, “I'm not really angry. I'm sad.” I'm sad that
I haven't found someone to share my life with. I'm sad that it
appears my hand functioning will never return to normal. I'm sad
because I have expectations that are going unmet. As I thought all of
this, I wondered to myself what would happen if I just let myself be
sad. Could I be sad instead of angry?
I talk a lot about feelings, but the truth is that I don't really like emotions,
especially the negative ones. And when it comes to negative emotions
it's easier for me to feel anger than it is to feel sadness. Anger
directs my focus at someone or something. It is external. Sadness, on
the other hand, forces me to look inward to myself and my
relationship to God. Sadness forces me to realize that that I am not
in control and that I must submit to God's plans for me, even in that
means long-term singleness and a bum hand. Sadness hurts.
I
don't like sadness, but I like my bitter self even less. So I'm
trying to let myself feel and deal. God is with me. He will never
leave me nor forsake me. Friends and family and plans may fail, but
God never does. He gives me reason to rejoice, even amidst the
sadness.
❤️ Such truth. Hard, smack you in the gut truth. Thanks for being open Sarah.
ReplyDeleteThis really speaks to me. I often feel that anger is my go to emotion and that only one I truly feel comfortable with.
ReplyDelete