My Bitter Self

I've been finding myself feeling extremely bitter of late. I'm bitter that I'm not married. I'm bitter that my hand doesn't work. I've seen bitterness oozing out of me in the form of negative thoughts, snarky comments, and overall discontent. I don't like my this bitter side of myself.

As I drove into physical therapy recently, I remembered a wise woman's comment, “Anger is a secondary emotion.” And I thought to myself, “I'm not really angry. I'm sad.” I'm sad that I haven't found someone to share my life with. I'm sad that it appears my hand functioning will never return to normal. I'm sad because I have expectations that are going unmet. As I thought all of this, I wondered to myself what would happen if I just let myself be sad. Could I be sad instead of angry?

I talk a lot about feelings, but the truth is that I don't really like emotions, especially the negative ones. And when it comes to negative emotions it's easier for me to feel anger than it is to feel sadness. Anger directs my focus at someone or something. It is external. Sadness, on the other hand, forces me to look inward to myself and my relationship to God. Sadness forces me to realize that that I am not in control and that I must submit to God's plans for me, even in that means long-term singleness and a bum hand. Sadness hurts.

I don't like sadness, but I like my bitter self even less. So I'm trying to let myself feel and deal. God is with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me. Friends and family and plans may fail, but God never does. He gives me reason to rejoice, even amidst the sadness.

God Rejoices in His Creation.

This world is so messed up and broken: filled with crime, devastation, murders, natural disasters, etc. It's easy to get discouraged, to think there is nothing beautiful left. But then I read that God rejoices in His creation. He finds joy and gladness in it, which means we can, too.

God Rejoices in His creation.
Is glad for; takes delight in (Dictionary.com, n. d.)

Psalm 104:31
May the glory of the Lord endure forever; may the Lord rejoice in his works.

Proverbs 16:7
When the Lord takes pleasure in anyone’s way, he causes their enemies to make peace with them.

Zephaniah 3:17
"The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing."

Haggai 1:8
"Go up into the mountains and bring down timber and build my house, so that I may take pleasure in it and be honored," says the Lord.

Zechariah 4:10
"Who dares despise the day of small things, since the seven eyes of the Lord that range throughout the earth will rejoice when they see the chosen capstone in the hand of Zerubbabel?"

Reference:
Rejoice. (n. d.). Dictionary.com Unabridged. Retrieved from http://www.dictionary.com/browse/rejoice.