I've been telling myself lately that emotions are like waves. They come, and they go, and then they're over. This perspective has helped me, until it didn't.
One Thursday night after work, exhausted and tired, overstretched and overspent, I hit a wall and descended into a really dark place . I didn't feel good enough. I wasn't thinking positive thoughts. I honestly wanted to give up on life, though I had no plans to actually end my life. I couldn't stop crying. It was awful. Miserable. Isolating. Alienating. Lonely. It wasn't a wave of emotions. It was a tidal wave, or maybe even a tsunami.
The people in my life didn't abandon me or give up on me. They didn't pressure me, but they didn't leave me alone, either. They were there for me and with me. That gift of presence and acceptance was a blessing. But even though I knew I could talk to them, I struggled to do so.
The breakthrough for me came Monday morning when I read Romans 12:6, “We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us” (New International Version, NIV). The Spirit showed me that I was comparing myself, comparing myself to others, to my ideal self, to the person I thought I should be. And that's not the way God's economy works. He made me, me, and I need to live in and walk that, "with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me” (Col 1:29). That realization was so freeing for me. It totally changed my perspective and brought me back to my real self.
Ride the waves. That's a good perspective, until the waves are too big to ride on your own. That's where reaching out for and accepting help come in. Because when you can't ride the wave, you need someone to tow you to shore, to bring you home.
Remember that post I wrote about my tangled life and getting back to the basics? Yeah, much as I would like to say I've done that, I haven't. When I'm tired and burning out, I really struggle to do what I need to do. I stay up late when I need to sleep. I put off meal prepping when I need to have solid nutrition to get me through my long days. I stay on social media instead of cleaning and organizing. I delay exercise until I have to rush to get it done. I don't make time for Bible reading and devotions. And it becomes a vicious cycle.
I know what I need to do, and I don't do it. There's got to be room for a little grace, but I've also go to have some self discipline. Because if I know what I need to do and I don't do it, I am the only one to blame for the consequences that result.
As much as I talk about wanting contentment, I wonder if I want it too much. I wonder if I want contentment more than I want Jesus, if I'm seeking comfort more than I'm seeking the Comforter. Because when I'm seeking anything more than Jesus, I'm idolatrous.
As I was reading my Bible this morning, these verses really stuck out to me:
Now these things occurred as examples to keep us from setting our hearts on evil things as they did. Do not be idolaters, as some of them were; as it is written: 'The people sat down to eat and drink and got up to indulge in revelry.'
(1 Corinthians 10:6-7, New International Version).
It struck me that I'm supposed to enjoy life, but that I'm not supposed to idealize, it, or idolize it. When I am too content, too settled, when food and drink and friendship and home satisfy me too much, I don't remember my need for Jesus.
Teresa Swanstrom Anderson writes in her book, Beautifully Interrupted, "Every day [God] reminds me, I didn't put you in this world to be content. I put you in this world to make a difference for My Kingdom" (p. 127). She goes on to write,
Admittedly, when I'm soul weary there are times I actually crave the fat and happy idea....But I don't think that's the contentment God desires of us....I know it's when He stretches me and I have no choice but to lean heavily on Him that I need to be content. Content with knowing that His plan is the best plan. Unconditional contentment even in the wait. (p. 128).
The Lord knows that I am wanting for and waiting on a lot of things right now. Yet He calls to me, "be content with what [I] have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you'" (Heb 13:5). God calls me to be content not in what I have, but with what I have, because I HAVE Him!
I've got a lot to learn about contentment, but here's to pursuing God in that journey. To worshiping the Model and Provider of contentment rather than the virtue itself. To finding my identity as a contented child of Christ rather than idolizing contentment itself. God, help me.
