Look for the New.

I walk past the same wall frequently. It's had the same loud mural on it for as long as I can remember. The bright colors struck me for awhile, but slowly I got used to them and lately, I have hardly even noticed them. But today, today the colors were new! And I almost missed it. I walked past like I normally do, listening to my podcast, thinking about what I was learning, pondering the day, counting my next steps. Then I stopped. Wait, was the wall different? Did someone paint a new mural on it? I had to stop and actually observe. I had to pause and consider.

Life is a blur these days. Wear the mask. Do the thing. Go home. Do more things. Fall into bed exhausted. It seems like the to-dos never end. And maybe they don't. But is there something new happening? Are there things I am missing because of my harried pace? I am sure there are.

And what about that new? Am I missing it? In the wake of pandemic deaths, it feels like much in life is growing stagnant, old, dying. But what if God is slowly repairing and repainting some walls at the same time? What if God has some new brightness and joy to offer? Am I slowing down to seek and find it? Am I allowing myself to enjoy happiness when it comes? These are certainly questions to ponder. 

In these trying times, I need a new way forward. Maybe you do, too. Maybe  pausing to observe our surrounding and look for the new is the start to finding it.

Ten Ways to Cope with Crippling Anxiety

The crippling fear. The tightness in your chest. The feeling that at any moment you might panic and lose it. Yes, I know these things. Though I have never experienced a full blown panic attack that I know of, I have for years struggled with anxiety. I've taken medications. I (still) take supplements. I try manage lifestyle factors and exercise, and still sometimes anxiety takes me surprise. It tries to knock me down, but by God's grace, I try to cope. Here are at least ten of the ways I do so:

1) Talk about it. A college professor told me that Satan has power over what we keep in darkness. So vulnerable as talking is, and often with embarrassment, I talk, usually to my husband, sometimes to my mom, sometimes to a trusted friend. I don't broadcast my struggle to everyone who needs to know, because that wouldn't be helpful. But someone needs to know.

2) Drown it out. There is a time and place for coping with anxiety, but sometimes I just need to drown out the noise in my head with something else: sermons, podcasts, music, my own singing, you name it. I just need noise.

3) Walk. Exercise can become compulsive, especially when you struggle with anxiety, but in moderation, it helps. The simple movement of putting one foot in front of the other reminds me that I can keep moving in life as well.

4) Get some sunshine. This kind of goes with the above, but sometimes the Vitamin D helps.

5) Eat. I didn't know that anxiety can be a sign of hunger until I read Rachael Hartley's blog post. If I am feeling unreasonably anxious, especially in the morning before breakfast, I try to stop what I am doing and eat. That often helps, if not takes care of that particular version of crippling anxiety.

6) Sleep. Not always possible, but sometimes just laying down helps calm my nervous system. Bonus if you have a weighted blanket. I am not sure if there is empirical validation for using weighted blankets with anxiety, but they are warm and comforting and keep me still, again, calming my nervous system.

7) Self-talk. I tell myself, "This too shall pass." I tell myself that I can keep going, that it will get better. Sometimes it works. Sometimes not. It's worth a shot.

8) Get a hug. Did you know that hugs release the feel-good chemical oxytocin? Not everyone is privileged to be around safe people who give hugs, but if you have those people in your life, use them!

9) Phone (or text) a friend. I am blessed with a few friends who really get anxiety, mostly because they've been there, or are there themselves. If I reach out to them, they can empathize and often encourage and pray with me. They make me feel less alone.

10) Look to the Lord! Pray. Access the truths of the Bible. Recite those truths over yourself. Work to believe that there is a power greater than anxiety (because there is!) And if you do not know Jesus as Lord and Savior, let your anxiety drive you to him for saving faith.

Is my anxiety crippling*? It feels that way. It tries to tell me I am unable to go forward. (That's the definition of crippling.) The truth is that, most days, my anxiety is not crippling. It is debilitating, sure, but I can walk with a limp. And when I walk with a limp, I can somehow get to the next place. And that's what I'm trying to do when coping with anxiety. I am trying to get to the next place, to the next season, to a place of greater functioning. These strategies help.

*Some anxiety truly is crippling and utterly debilitating. Always seek professional help when this is the case, preferably before an all out crisis emerges. Sometimes our brains need medication to calm the anxiety down. Sometimes we need therapy. Sometimes we need biblical counseling. Sometimes we need mentoring. Please seek all and any of these services as you see fit. My sharing is in no way to replace or supersede professional advice, or to in any way make you feel guilty for whatever (healthy) coping skills you use to deal with anxiety.

Ride the Waves

I've been telling myself lately that emotions are like waves. They come, and they go, and then they're over. This perspective has helped me, until it didn't.

One Thursday night after work, exhausted and tired, overstretched and overspent, I hit a wall and descended into a really dark place . I didn't feel good enough. I wasn't thinking positive thoughts. I honestly wanted to give up on life, though I had no plans to actually end my life. I couldn't stop crying. It was awful. Miserable. Isolating. Alienating. Lonely. It wasn't a wave of emotions. It was a tidal wave, or maybe even a tsunami.

The people in my life didn't abandon me or give up on me. They didn't pressure me, but they didn't leave me alone, either. They were there for me and with me. That gift of presence and acceptance was a blessing. But even though I knew I could talk to them, I struggled to do so.

The breakthrough for me came Monday morning when I read Romans 12:6, “We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us” (New International Version, NIV). The Spirit showed me that I was comparing myself, comparing myself to others, to my ideal self, to the person I thought I should be. And that's not the way God's economy works. He made me, me, and I need to live in and walk that, "with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me” (Col 1:29). That realization was so freeing for me. It totally changed my perspective and brought me back to my real self.

Ride the waves. That's a good perspective, until the waves are too big to ride on your own. That's where reaching out for and accepting help come in. Because when you can't ride the wave, you need someone to tow you to shore, to bring you home.

Suicide.

Let's just go there. I've been there (or at least to the ideation stage). Now someone I love is there, with intent and a plan. And far too many other people have been there, and lost there lives there.

What brings people to suicide? Desperation. Despair. Hopelessness. Depression. That last one is where I want to focus. If you're depressed, GET HELP!

I expressed some pretty severe depression in my teenage years. I felt completely hopeless, as if life didn't have a purpose, as if there was no reason to live. I didn't have a plan to commit suicide, but I didn't have a reason to go on living, either.

In my case, I was under 18. My parents (without my permission or cooperation) got me help. They took me to doctors and put me on medication and introduced me to therapy (the profession I now pursue). The drugs retrained my brain chemicals to function properly. The therapy taught me life skills. It took a long time and a lot of pain, but I got better. I learned that suicide is not an out, not an answer. 

Suicide doesn't yield the life the person wants, and it makes life miserable for everyone else. And let's just be a little gruesome here: No matter what path a person chooses for suicide, there is always cleanup. Always. And that's a terrible job to have to do.

So back to the depression piece. Are you depressed? It's serious! Get help before things deteriorate to where you can't go on living. See your doctor. (Maybe your depression is as simple as a hormone or nutritional imbalance. But maybe it's not.) Call on a friend. Ask your pastor for prayer. Go to counseling. Learn life skills.

Already suicidal? GET HELP! Call the suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255). Go to the ER. Tell a friend your struggles. It can get better. It will get better. But you have to reach out.

Romans 5:3-5 says, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Depression is suffering. Medication often leads to physical discomfort. Therapy involves struggle. But all of these yield perseverance, and character, and HOPE! Hope is the antithesis to suicide, a reason to go on living.

Find hope today, my friend. Reach out. GET HELP! Your life is worth it.