This March Called Life

This March Called Life

By Sarah Earles

Marching, marching

Will it ever, ever end?

But God said march.

God said pray.

God said stay the course,

so another round I'll go.

Marching, marching.

I'm getting tired, Lord.

But you said if I marched,

the walls would fall,

So I'm waiting,

Waiting.

Waiting, waiting,

obeying marching orders.

The seventh day hasn't come

but God said it would,

so I keep marching.

I keep walking by in faith.

Maybe these days are years.

Maybe these days are centuries.

I don't know,

'cause I haven't seen the victory yet.

But God said it would come,

and he hasn't failed me yet.

Marching, marching,

on and on I go.

God said He'd give victory

and I know He is able.

So as long as I'm able.

I'll continue, until the walls fall.

Until the walls fall,

or God me releases.

This life is my march.

Obedience is my call.

God deserves it all,

my obedience, my life, this ongoing march.

(Loosely based on the fall of Jericho depicted in Joshua 6).

Grace for the Martha's and for the Mary's

Martha toiled. Martha was "distracted" (New International Version, 2011, Luke 10:40). Martha got "worried and upset" (Luke 10:41). Martha ratted on her sister Mary to Jesus.

Mary was better. Mary "[chose]...better" (Luke 10:42). She sat at Jesus' feet, ostensibly to learn from him and be with him.

But both sisters struggled with unbelief. Both separately told Jesus that if he would have been there when their brother Lazarus was sick, Lazarus would not have died (John 11:21, 32). Both believed Jesus could heal living people, but they didn't seem to believe he could heal living people. 

Martha believed...somewhat. Mary believed...somewhat. Neither believed fully. Martha's distraction didn't take from her belief, or lack thereof (at least in this instance. Mary's sitting at Jesus' feet didn't make her believe better (in this instance). Both needed the grace and mercy of God, BOTH.

There is grace for the Martha's, 

and grace for the Mary's. 

Grace for the go-getters, 

grace for the sitters. 

Grace for the believers, 

grace for the halfways, 

and even grace 

for the not-there-yets.

Jesus gives it all.

Jesus is it all.

Jesus is grace personified;

for all he died.

So whether you think

you're better or worse

Jesus came to break sin's curse.

There is grace for the Martha's.

There is grace for the Mary's.

Whether we tend to be distracted

or whether we tend to sit,

there is grace for all who believe

even if it is just a little bit.

Reference:

New International Version. (2011). BibleGateway.com. http://www.biblegateway.com/versions/New-International-Version-NIV-Bible/#booklist

Unless the Lord Builds the Marriage

Psalm 127 starts out, "Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain" (New International Version, NIV). I am sure the writer had in mind literal building of a house in this verse, but also the metaphorical building of a house/home/family. So lately, I have been paraphrasing the verse for my own life to read, "Unless the Lord builds the marriage, its builders labor in vain." With marriage as under attack and character trying as it is, I just don't see any way to make it work without Jesus.

My husband and I are pretty much polar opposites in many ways. In fact, when we were dating, I googled our personality types and most everything I read said we should not be together. I tried to resist the attraction for a while, but after regular prayer about it, decided I just had to trust God. If God would unite me with a man very different than me, I had to trust that His plans and ways were greater than my ways. No surprise, in marriage, we are still very different, and that can be difficult. It is character trying, and Lord willing, character building.

That's the thing, though. We see marriage as a greater than just our union. We see it as a reflection of the gospel, "the gospel on display," as one friend wrote on our wedding canvas. We seek the Lord and His will, and for me, it was very clear that God willed for me to marry my husband. Could I have said no? Yes. Would I have suffered. Yes, and if I was truly running from God's will in the matter, God might have sent a Jonah-sized whale to be my home for a while. No one wants God to build that kind of house!

I know some people make marriage work without God. I am just not sure how. Maybe the enemy does not attack? Maybe those people view marriage differently? All I know is that without the foundation of the Lord, the house of my marriage is tipping off center. There are just too many hard things to survive without having a strong base, and an all-wise builder who anticipated the storms that come to accost the place.

So here we are, seeking the Lord, duking it out at times (me probably more than him). Struggling. Succeeding. Sustained by the Lord's strength. That's the only way this house is going to stand.

The Bewitching Hours

I woke up and had to go the bathroom. Sneaking a look at the clock, I saw the early hour of 12:39 AM glare back at me. I laid back down and tried to sleep. I couldn't. My mind started racing. Very quickly, it went to the worst. I thought terrible things about my marriage. I contemplated what would happen if my greatest fears in life materialized, how I would cope, if I would cope. And on and on and on. These dark thoughts weren't unfamiliar. They didn't come often, but when I wake up at an early am hour, I knew to expect them. One of my pastor called these early hours of worry the "bewitching hours," and oh, they really are.

Half asleep, my mind lacks strong executive function. Half asleep, I am prey to the enemy. Wanting sleep, the last thing I want is to worry, but that is where my mind automatically goes. So I have a plan. I have a strategy. When I wake up during the bewitching hours, I try to pray. If the enemy intends this time for evil, by the power of God's Spirit, I shall use it for good! If I can't pray, I will recite memorized Bible verses. And if I can't stay awake enough to do that, I will get my phone and read the Psalms, or if alone, turn on a small light and read. These may be the bewitching hours, but I shall not be bewitched.

Plenty of things happen automatically, like the dark thoughts that come to me middle of the night. While I cannot stop the thoughts, I can come at them with a plan. My plan is a Be-With-God plan. It doesn't always work (because I am a fallen human), and it doesn't always work right away. Sometimes, I even wonder if God is waking me up because he wants me to pray. Regardless, I plan to not be had. I plan to be with God, all the time, regardless of the hour. Bewitched, I will be not. Being WITH God, yes, this I shall be.

The Bible is True.

People throw a lot of shade on the Bible, saying it's outdated, too black-and-white, too-legalistic, etc. Respectfully, the more I read, and the more I learn via my chosen profession, the more I see that the Bible is true, and that God's way is the best way.

For, example, take the Bible's recommendation to remain abstinent before marriage. Some people think that's God hurting their fun. Well, studies show that abstinence before marriage increases marital satisfaction (Stanley, Rhoades, & Markman, 2006). Want a good marriage? Wait for sex. Your marriage will be better. 

The Bible is old. It was true when it was written, and now scientific findings back it up. God commands against sin, not just because it hurts His relationship to people, but also because it hurts people. That thing about sins passing on to the third and fourth generation (New International Version, Exodus 20:5)? Epigenetics show that this is, in fact, the case (Curry, 2019). Epigenetics also show that it takes up to three generations to ameliorate the effects of trauma (Learn. Genetics., n.d.). The Bible is true.

That thing about the ideal family being two parents? Well, it really is best for kids. Children who come from two parent homes, of multiple races, have less poverty, less prison, and more college (Wilcox, Wang, & Rowe, 2021). While some families do suffer trauma and tragedies that prevent the presence of both parents, where possible, it is worth it to work at keeping the family together.

God is not a fun-killer. His commands are for the best of his people. The Bible is the way He reveals those plans. It would behoove us to read it, not just to relate to him, but to relate to and live out its truths. It really will be best for everybody!

References:

Curry, A. (2019, July 18). Parents' emotional trauma may change their children's biology. Studies in mice show how. Science.org. https://www.science.org/content/article/parents-emotional-trauma-may-change-their-children-s-biology-studies-mice-show-how

Learn. Genetics. (n.d.). Epigenetics & Inheritance. Learn. Genetics. Genetic Science Learning Center. https://learn.genetics.utah.edu/content/epigenetics/inheritance

Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2006). Sliding Versus Deciding: Inertia and the Premarital Cohabitation Effect. Family Relations, 55(4), 499–509. http://www.jstor.org/stable/40005344

Wilcox, W.B., Wang, W., & Rowe, I. (2021, June 17). Less poverty, less prison, more college: What two parents mean for black and white children. Institute for Family Studies. https://ifstudies.org/blog/less-poverty-less-prison-more-college-what-two-parents-mean-for-black-and-white-children

Crocheted Bible "Sweater"

Reading your Bible a lot can lead to wear and tear. For this reason, I have always liked using a Bible cover. My parents gave me a nice cover for my current Bible, but I was curious if I could also crochet one. I searched for a few patterns, and then found one that I altered.

Basically, I crocheted a long rectangle and then slip stitched the corners together to make flaps into which I could tuck the Bible covers. I then slip stitched the edges in between to make it look even.

Not perfect, but it will cover the Bible. I think the color blocking I did makes the cover look like a sweater, hence calling it a Bible "Sweater." I used my size J Boye ergonomic crochet hook again. I followed the book cover pattern at Me 'N My Hook, but since I used a J hook, my gauge was much larger. (This worked to my advantage, since I was covering a fairly large study Bible. I used Red Heart saffron yarn, and some random red yarn my husband had. (He knits with it!) All in all, I think I am satisfied with this project. (If anyone needs a Bible cover, comment below. I can probably perfect this pattern and whip out a few more fairly quickly.

Here's to reading our Bibles more, and if needed, covering them to protect and preserve their contents for future use!

Real Life Marriage: The Value of the Word

Marriage is not easy. If you go the way of the world and choose marriage to make you happy, you soon find yourself disappointed. If you go with the Christian idea that marriage is supposed to make you holy, not happy, you miss the joy. To have a good marriage, you must be a student of the Word. I knew this in theory when I got married. In real life, I find myself needing to return to the Word again and again.

God's Word tells me that marriage has value. Genesis shows that it was not good for man to be alone (Gen 2:18), and how God created woman as man's helper. Ephesians 5 reflects the created order of marriage, and how marriage images Christ's relationship with the church. Proverbs and Ecclesiastes show how marriage can be a source of joy. Marriage is a good thing. When times are hard and days are dark, I need that reminder from a source of truth. God's Word is that truth.

The Word tells me who I am supposed to be as a wife, and how I can be a blessing to my husband's life. Noble and prudent are some of the adjectives that describe the wife that is a blessing in the Old Testament (Prov 12:4, 19:14). The New Testament tells me about submitting to and respecting my husband (Eph 5:22-33; Col 3:18). These are not things that come naturally to me. I need reminders.

Reading the Bible convicts me of the many ways that I fail as a wife. I fail when I disgrace my husband (Prov 12:4). I fail when I am quarrelsome (Prov 19:13). To be unfaithful is to fail not only my husband, but also God. I want to do neither.

I would like to say that I know everything the Bible has to say about marriage. The reality is that I don't. I need the Word. I need its truth. I need its correction. The Word has immense value, most of all because it leads me to the author of marriage, and the author of life, God the Father, and He is of the greatest value!

Having Generosity For My Husband

The scriptures resound with the concept of generosity. The poor widow put all the money she had into the temple treasury (Mark 12; Luke 21). The woman with the alabaster jar poured out all of its expensive contents on Jesus' head (Mark 14). Jesus gave His life for me! And yet I do not lean towards generosity. I lean towards stinginess, self-righteousness, and self-justification, especially in my marriage. The Spirit continually convicts me of this.

God gave me a wonderful gift in my husband. My husband is not perfect, but seeks to follow God, serve others, and serve me. I do not always keep this at the forefront of my mind, though. I do not always want to give, especially when I am tired. I find that roots of bitterness start to grow as I dwell on things I would like to happen that are not. I crave affections and attention and then push away when it does not happen like I want. These are not generous responses.

The widow gave all she had, and then had to rely on God. This was a generous response! As a wife, God has called me to give to my husband. Yes, I may grow tired and weary, but if I am following God, and living according to His will, will He not fill me with all good things? (2 Pet 1:3). His word says He will.

If I rely on God, can I not have generous, gracious responses to my husband? If I believe that my husband is following God (and I do), that should inform my interpretations of His behaviors. Yes, some things annoy me, but I am pretty sure my husband is not trying to annoy me. A generous response would be a generous interpretation of his motives, which in actually, is probably the most accurate interpretation.

I made a promise when I got married, to love my husband unconditionally, until death does us part. Sometimes that love hurts. It hurts my pride. It means I have to give, rather than get. The Psalmist says that a righteous man "keeps an oath even when it hurts," though (Ps 15:4). This is my calling.

Sometimes my husband wants my time. Sometimes he wants a listening ear. Sometimes I see that I could put off my own plans to better serve him. To do so is generous.

I have a long ways to grow in generosity. This is one of the many areas for growth God is revealing to me through my marriage. God has been so generous and gracious to me with the gospel and though I can never attain to God's perfection, I can keep reaching. May God's generosity overflow through me to my husband, and through our marriage to the world beyond. To God be the glory!

I Read My Bible Standing Up.

Confession: Most days, I read my Bible standing up. So what? You might ask. I am reading on my phone. I am reading on the go. I read one handed while I do physical therapy exercises. I read as I go on morning walks. I read as I foam roll. I rarely actually sit down to read my paper Bible. I feel like I am "cheating," like I'm not giving my reading the full focus I should. I feel like reading on my phone is less worthwhile than reading my paper Bible. Maybe it is, but this is life right now, and I'm trying to prioritize reading. Reading standing up in one way I do it.

As I thought about my Bible reading one morning as I walked and read, I had a new insight. The Spirit brought to mind Deuteronomy 6:6-7 where Moses says,

These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. (New International Version)

I guess I am unintentionally fulfilling that commandment right now: reading while I am out and about, reading on the go, thinking about and meditating on God's word as I move about. Reading standing up is not what I set out to do. I set out to read my Bible daily (instead of listening to it, or just not doing it.) By God's grace I am. My style may be atypical, but maybe, by God's provision, it actually has some benefit. When I have the opportunity to sit down and read my paper Bible, I will, and I will enjoy it. But when I don't, I will probably keep reading my Bible standing up. It is a way to keep God's commandments on my heart, as the Bible commands that I do.

Capacity

I am the weaker vessel. I am less strong than my husband and more needy. I fall apart relatively easily and need lots of support. I continually find that I don't have the bandwidth for all of the activities that other people do, or even for all of the responsibilities on my plate. I get tired easily. I need a lot of sleep, and food, and alone time. Take any of that away and I am a mess. When I get into a mess, it also takes me long time to recover from it. My capacity is just low. My limited capacity has persistently bothered me, and I am still reckoning with it.

I heard a sermon some time ago about spiritual gifts, and about how God gives believers capacity and then fills it. Fills it. Even a small capacity. If I believe that God is perfect, and I do (at least at a head level), that means my small capacity is not a mistake. It means God has given me everything I need, and that I do not need to grasp for more. It means that I can do everything God calls me to do in his strength (and likely that all that capacity expanding stuff is not for me.) After all, 2 Peter 1:3 says: "His divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness" (New International Version). 

If God has given me everything I need, that means that God's gift of grace is just right for my capacity. Instead of mourning my lack, I can give thanks for God's sufficiency. As Ephesians 4:7 "But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it." In Romans 11:29, the Apostle Paul writes, "God’s gifts and his call are irrevocable." If God has filled my capacity for my calling, my capacity is not going to change. So I had better get to work accepting it, and maybe on cutting out the things that surpass it.

How I see my capacity affects how I use it. If I see myself as lacking, I am either sitting around mourning my lack, or striving for more, working outside my gifting and calling. Neither one brings honor to God. Mourning my lack is like burying my talent. (See the parable in Matthew 25:14-30). It says that God might have made a mistake. And operating outside my calling says the same, or that I think I can somehow outsmart the way God wired me. It is not going to work. I remember reading something Kylie Mitchell wrote about her husband saying, 'You don’t know your capacity until you’re past it.” Recognizing symptoms of being past capacity means I have a lot of bailing out to do. That does not reserve time or space or energy to do what calls me to do.

So what is God calling me to do? To be faithful with my gifts. To be faithful to where God has called me. With my limited capacity, or maybe what I should rephrase as my God-given capacity, that means basically means three things: following God, working, and being faithful to the calling of marriage. Not much, if you ask some. Honestly, too much if you catch me on my bad days. But this capacity of mine, these responsibilities, are what God has given me. May I learn to be content, so that God can truly fill and use me as He (not I!) sees fit.

Reigniting Desire to Read God’s Word

I resolved this year to read my Bible, and to actually read it, not just listen to it. (Listening to the Bible is good, but what I believe I had started to default to out of laziness.) I tried to keep reading my Bible in the mornings, but I felt rushed and unfocused. I read my Bible a few evenings, on the premise that I had morning activities that might prevent or delay reading and you know what? It helped me get more interested and invested in reading.

I have been keeping a mental tally lately of things that motivate me to read God's word. I am thankful for this season of renewed fervor, yet know that I will mostly likely fall into struggle again. With that in mind, and with the recognition that others might struggle to read their Bibles, too, I thought I would share my current list of things that have in the past, or in the present or the future help might  reignite my desire to read:

1) Pick a new time of day. Brain function varies due to different demands. Life circumstances can also help make readings more or less difficult. Switching up reading times can help!

2) Choose a new translation. The western world is beyond blessed to have so many Bible translations available. Read a new one and see if it helps with re-engagement. 

*Caveat: Make sure to read a translation that is accurate. Paraphrases are good, but can assume a lot. Therefore, I try to read something translated from the Bible's original languages.

3) Find a new way to read. Try reading from a different book, or from an electronic device such as a phone or tablet. 

*Note, as pointed out in a recent episode of the Let's Talk podcast, people may not know a person reading on a device is reading the Bible, so if the person wants to make their spiritual discipline clear (e.g. to children or other viewers), reading a paper Bible might be best .

4) Journal. Writing by hand forces the two hemispheres of the brain to work together, resulting in more insights and deeper learning. Kinesthetic learners might find that journaling helps them recall the material read better, too.

5) Get accountable. A dear friend (who I hope reads this post) and I started swapping insights from our readings via text and e-mail. This helps us see new things, and it keeps us accountable for doing our readings, because we need to do so in order to have something to share.

The speakers in the Let's Talk podcast (linked above) stated that the goal if spiritual disciplines is a a soul that works right. The purpose of setting up spiritual disciplines is to create a pattern of life, not pursue perfection. If I am making it without my spiritual disciplines, I should be looking out for idols in my life, because really, I am made to feed on the Word of God.

Those are all my tips, my ways to reignite desire for reading God's word. I hope they work. I hope the Spirit works. He is the one who really is in charge of igniting a passion to seek after God through reading His Word after all. Practicing the spiritual discipline of reading God's word is really just making room for Him to work, and inviting him into life to do so.

The Weaker Vessel

The weaker vessel. That's what the Bible says the wife is (1 Pet 3:7). I don't like it. I've never liked it. I've always touted the strong female ideal. That got smashed when I got married. Compared to my husband, I am weaker at almost everything. My IQ and EQ are lower. He has more endurance when we hike. He can unscrew jar lids that I can't. He can solve a million problems, dozens of which I didn't even know I had. He can do chores faster and more efficiently. He's a more technical cook. He knows the Bible better. I could go on and on. I am blessed that my husband is so strong, but lots of times, it makes me feel unworthy, of lesser value. But if I look at it from the flip side, all that stuff my husband is better at and does for me shows what a gift he is. The fact that my husband is so much stronger than me and still cares for me should make me feel good. But it often doesn't. I struggle to accept my role as the weaker vessel. I am prideful. I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want to cause my husband to need to sacrifice. I feel like my weakness is deficiency on my part, something I need to atone for. But God already did that. And God created marriage.

So if I believe that God created marriage (and I believe He did), and if God created me (and I believe He did), then maybe my weakness is part of the plan. My husband pointed out some time ago that my denial of my weakness keeps him from serving me, and that's what he's called to do. Ouch. That really hurts my pride. I want to be the cause of joy and mirth and glee, not pining and refining. But if I want my husband to be sanctified (and I do) and I believe marriage is part of that process (and I do), I’d better stop kicking against the goads and surrender. That means surrendering to my weakness. 

I am weak. I don't like it. But I need to let my pride go and let God use my weakness as He sees fit to do. That means accepting my role as the weaker vessel. This is part of my sanctification. This is part of my husband's sanctification. To God be the glory.

The Power of Routine and Ritual

I am a creature of habit. A servant of routine and ritual at times. In my life, I find that routines and rituals serve me. Let me explain.

But first, what are routines and rituals? Routines are sets of actions regularly practiced. Rituals are actions that have the addition of meaning and purpose. Routines can become rituals and rituals can become routine, but not always. Some examples of routines are morning and night sequences of actions, work or class schedules, or even athletic practices. Rituals can include prayer, food, and celebration. Some people hate routines. I like them.

Routines

1) Routines help ground me. They calm my nervous system by telling it what to expect. I don't have to face a day in sheer panic because I know I have a morning routine list that I stick to. I don't have to fear day's end because I know I have a bedtime ritual that helps calm me before sleep. Even when in-between times are crazy, I make time for these routines because of their impact on my sense of peace.

2) Routines help me get important stuff done. With routines, I know that each task of the week (cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc.) has a set time. I can worry about that chore only during that time (or that is what it is supposed to do). Without routine, I feel under constant pressure to remember all my "to-dos." 

3) Routines help reduce feelings of scarcity. When I recall that a certain day is grocery day, I feel less anxiety about running out of a certain item. When I remember that I will my husband at dinner every night, I feel less panicked when he can't respond to my text during the day. Routines of e-mailing my family help me feel like they are close, and not far away, even if I am not seeing them in person.

Routines serve me for many reasons. They also help me remember my rituals. I include rituals in my routines to both calm me and get important stuff done. In that way, the two are interwoven.

Rituals

1) Rituals connect me to God. I include prayer and Bible reading in my morning routine because I need access to my Higher Power and to His truth. I struggle with the craziness of life even with these things. Without them, I am unfounded and ungrounded.

2) Rituals help me celebrate and find joy in everyday moments. For example, my family of origin and now my husband and I have pancakes for breakfast most Saturday mornings. This is not something we can do every Saturday, but doing it most Saturdays marks that time as special. I also drink tea, coffee, or hot chocolate with most of my breakfasts and night time snacks. I like my drinks really hot, which means I have to slow down and savor them. That helps me slow down and center, and that calm benefits me for the day or night ahead.

3) Rituals help mark time. I walk in and out of my home or office between tel-events. That action used to be routine, but with COVID-19, it has become ritual, the ending of one thing and the beginning of another. In the blur of life, I need that.

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Routines and rituals serve me. They quiet my and calm me, but I also have to be careful not to get too attached. Life is not always predictable, and I often need to be flexible. But where I can, I will continue with what works because, it works!

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Please feel free to share any routines or rituals you observe in the comments section.

Going to the Word

It's been a dark season. I'm not sure it's over yet. But over the past few days, I've been pushed more towards the Word, drawn to it even. Here are a few recent reflections--

Regarding burdens:

Very recently I had an evening of almost oppressive sorrow: my own grief over unmet expectations, lost opportunities, etc.; grief for the loss of loved ones; grief over hardship for loved ones. The verse playing through my mind was, "Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2, New International Version). 

But Lord, I said. Who will carry my burdens? I am carrying so much. I have no one. (Or at least that's the way it felt.)

But the verse kept weighing on my heart. So I started praying, Lord, will you bear my burdens? God, I need you to bear my burdens.

And then the Spirit drove me to study burdens in the Word. These are the verses of reassurance that I found:

Psalm 54:4
Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.

Psalm 55:22
Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.

Psalm 68:19
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.

Isaiah 46:4
Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you

No confident pie-in-the-sky hope here. Just quiet reassurance rest in the ONLY one who can bear my burdens perfectly. Praise the Lord!

Regarding the hard:

And last night, I felt empty, needy, so I pulled down my Romans journal and read chapter eight. Verse 28 jumped off the page.

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

(English Standard Version, ESV)

All things. Not just some. God works all things together for good. Not necessarily for my personal local good, but for  global, holistic, God-defined good. All things. Even the hard now. Even the past that was hard. Even the hard that may come. All things.

I'm not sure my hard, the world's hard is over. I really think it's not. But God. But God's Word. It still stands. It stands the test of time even. 

I need daily sustenance. God is giving me His Word as daily bread. I am a fool not to receive it. May I ever go to the Word and never forsake it, even in hard. Especially in the hard.

When My Heart Doesn't Believe

Do I admit that I've felt hopeless? Do I confess that my heart is not in what I preach right now?  I normally don't write when I'm in the middle, when I have no resolution to a situation, but here I am, feeling compelled to write....now. Why? I don't know. Maybe someone else feels the same as I do.

I feel hopeless. In my head, I know that God exists, that the Bible's promises are true, that God can do anything. I don't feel it it my heart, though. I feel dead, numb, sad, sorrowful, pained. The waves of emotion vary day by day, but they beat the shore of my life with the same dull message: "It's impossible." It's impossible that the stress will end. It's impossible that life will get better. It's impossible that my health will improve. It's impossible that I will overcome my selfish habits and be a better wife. It's impossible that we will have the type of marriage I want. The list goes on and on. The roar is deafening. And amidst the roar, I still hear more: the emptiness of God's promises when I recite them to family, friends, coworkers, and clients; the messages of guilt. The cacophony is intense.

Even with all this, another message has been tapping against my heart lately, squeezing in between the larger waves and gently lapping at my shores: "Hope that is seen is no hope at all" (Romans 8:24, New International Version [NIV]). "Hope that is seen is no hope at all." What is hope? Waiting for something to happen? Expectation? A heart thing? Or is it a head thing? Is it faith, even against all odds? I'm starting to lean towards that last one.

I see nothing at times. I feel nothing at times. I believe only because my belief is all I have left. If God does not exist and His promises are not true, I am of all people the most miserable (1 Corinthians 15:19, King James Version [KJV]). I truly have nothing to live for. But if hope is not hope until it is in the unseen, maybe I am on the right track. Maybe the hope I thought I had in the past truly was not hope. It was in tangible things, things I could see. Now those are not there. All I can do is hope the unseen, have faith that God can do the impossible. It's all I can do. All I can wrap my head around. Maybe my heart will follow in due time.

Walk in Obedience.

No lie. Life has been hard lately. First it was the move and a new job and all those stressors. Then it was the pandemic and the shutdowns, and then more shutdowns; fears and worries and lack of fellowship, new mandates. Now there's the ongoing stress of not knowing what is to come, coupled with the residual effects of angst not fully processed. I am tired. I question how to be faithful, how to go on. Don't get me wrong. I want to be faithful, but it's just so hard sometimes.

I define faithfulness for myself as genuineness, staying true to who I am, staying true to the Lord, staying committed to my husband, exercising caution and care, staying in my lane, and ultimately, just being responsible with the things put in front of me. But that's part of the hard. The responsibilities I have right seem so many and weigh heavily on me. I often don't feel like I know where to turn or what to do next. I heard a podcast recently about faithfulness, though. The speakers defined faithfulness as "an outcome of obedience." What if faithfulness is a lot simpler than I've been thinking? What if faithfulness means one thing instead of many things? What if I can just obey God and everything else will follow? Decisions in life might be a whole lot easier!

But how do I obey God? Is that nebulous, too? Well, God gave me His word, the Bible, and it is sound and right in front of me. Some of its commandments are pretty clear:

-"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength....Love your neighbor as yourself" (Mark 12:30-31, New International Version [NIV]).

-"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" (Prov 3:5-6).

-"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thess 5:16-18).

I think faithfulness is right in front of me. I think faithfulness is right within me through the indwelling Holy Spirit. I think I've been over complicating things, and faithfulness is simply walking in obedience to God and letting the chips fall. Obedience doesn't make life easy, but it gives me a clear path to follow. That path is not my own, but God's, and His way is the best. Always has been. Always will be. Praise Him.

Encouragement for This Season

Whew! It's been a season, hasn't it? COVID-19. Racial tensions. Death. Protests. Rioting. Looting. More COVID. Anxiety. Fear. Worry. Anger. It seems like life just won't let up! The Holy Spirit keeps reminding me that Jesus told us these times would come. "In this world you will have trouble," He said (John 16:33). But He followed by saying, "Take heart! I have overcome the world." It's been hard for me to take heart lately. Nothing in the world has lasting encouragement to offer. But the Word. The Word has something to offer.

Galatians 6:9

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."

Philippians 3:20

"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ."

2 Corinthians 4:7-12

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body.  So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you."

2 Corinthians 4:17

"For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."

Hebrews 12:1b-3

"Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

May these words encourage your heart as they have mine. The world and its words are passing away, but the Word endures forever.

I Had A Dream.

The dream was pretty vivid. I was sitting in a church auditorium, a cattywampus one at that, with booths and tables and all kinds of seating styles, all jammed together and out of order. The sense of distress and uneasiness was high. And all of a sudden, there was an announcement, "There's a dead guy outside." The room went silent. Fear was palpable. And then I, the one who normally remains silent in big gatherings said, "God is our refuge."

The dream ended there, but its memory did not. If I analyze my dream, I think I know where the murder scene came from: a news article read before bed about a recent police shooting. And in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, I know all too well the feelings of panic and mass hysteria. But the "God is our refuge" piece? That came 1) from the Holy Spirit, and 2) from reciting the truth to myself and claiming God's promises. I've been breath praying, "Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge" (Psalm 16:1, New International Version) over and over recently. I've also been trying to memorize more verses about God as refuge. And I've been Bible journaling the Psalms, in which this concept of God has refuge just keeps coming up. I need this truth.

I had a dream, and it showed me something. Mindset matters. We get in what we put out. God's Word is always true, but the more we study it, the more it becomes true. God's Word...

...May we study it.

...May we learn it.

...May we hide it in our hearts.

...May we dream it.

To Him be the glory!

Ride the Waves

I've been telling myself lately that emotions are like waves. They come, and they go, and then they're over. This perspective has helped me, until it didn't.

One Thursday night after work, exhausted and tired, overstretched and overspent, I hit a wall and descended into a really dark place . I didn't feel good enough. I wasn't thinking positive thoughts. I honestly wanted to give up on life, though I had no plans to actually end my life. I couldn't stop crying. It was awful. Miserable. Isolating. Alienating. Lonely. It wasn't a wave of emotions. It was a tidal wave, or maybe even a tsunami.

The people in my life didn't abandon me or give up on me. They didn't pressure me, but they didn't leave me alone, either. They were there for me and with me. That gift of presence and acceptance was a blessing. But even though I knew I could talk to them, I struggled to do so.

The breakthrough for me came Monday morning when I read Romans 12:6, “We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us” (New International Version, NIV). The Spirit showed me that I was comparing myself, comparing myself to others, to my ideal self, to the person I thought I should be. And that's not the way God's economy works. He made me, me, and I need to live in and walk that, "with all the energy Christ so powerfully works in me” (Col 1:29). That realization was so freeing for me. It totally changed my perspective and brought me back to my real self.

Ride the waves. That's a good perspective, until the waves are too big to ride on your own. That's where reaching out for and accepting help come in. Because when you can't ride the wave, you need someone to tow you to shore, to bring you home.

Self-Discipline

Remember that post I wrote about my tangled life and getting back to the basics? Yeah, much as I would like to say I've done that, I haven't. When I'm tired and burning out, I really struggle to do what I need to do. I stay up late when I need to sleep. I put off meal prepping when I need to have solid nutrition to get me through my long days. I stay on social media instead of cleaning and organizing. I delay exercise until I have to rush to get it done. I don't make time for Bible reading and devotions. And it becomes a vicious cycle.

I know what I need to do, and I don't do it. There's got to be room for a little grace, but I've also go to have some self discipline. Because if I know what I need to do and I don't do it, I am the only one to blame for the consequences that result.