Walk in Obedience.

No lie. Life has been hard lately. First it was the move and a new job and all those stressors. Then it was the pandemic and the shutdowns, and then more shutdowns; fears and worries and lack of fellowship, new mandates. Now there's the ongoing stress of not knowing what is to come, coupled with the residual effects of angst not fully processed. I am tired. I question how to be faithful, how to go on. Don't get me wrong. I want to be faithful, but it's just so hard sometimes.

I define faithfulness for myself as genuineness, staying true to who I am, staying true to the Lord, staying committed to my husband, exercising caution and care, staying in my lane, and ultimately, just being responsible with the things put in front of me. But that's part of the hard. The responsibilities I have right seem so many and weigh heavily on me. I often don't feel like I know where to turn or what to do next. I heard a podcast recently about faithfulness, though. The speakers defined faithfulness as "an outcome of obedience." What if faithfulness is a lot simpler than I've been thinking? What if faithfulness means one thing instead of many things? What if I can just obey God and everything else will follow? Decisions in life might be a whole lot easier!

But how do I obey God? Is that nebulous, too? Well, God gave me His word, the Bible, and it is sound and right in front of me. Some of its commandments are pretty clear:

-"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength....Love your neighbor as yourself" (Mark 12:30-31, New International Version [NIV]).

-"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" (Prov 3:5-6).

-"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thess 5:16-18).

I think faithfulness is right in front of me. I think faithfulness is right within me through the indwelling Holy Spirit. I think I've been over complicating things, and faithfulness is simply walking in obedience to God and letting the chips fall. Obedience doesn't make life easy, but it gives me a clear path to follow. That path is not my own, but God's, and His way is the best. Always has been. Always will be. Praise Him.

Giving Up the Fast

I haven't listened to the radio in my car for almost seven months. Why? I started the practice as a biblical fast last October, but after awhile, when God didn't answer the prayer which led me to the fast, it just became habit to leave the radio off. To be honest, I stopped praying so much and just got used to the silence and quiet of my drive time.

And now? I've decided to start listening to the radio again. Why? God answered our prayers (Thank you, Jesus!), and to continue fasting, for me, would be asceticism, not a spiritual discipline.

Is fasting always asceticism? No, but asceticism is a trap of self-righteousness into which I often fall. Salvation is by Jesus' sacrifice, not mine.

God is using the radio in my life, too. Multiple times in the past few weeks, I've heard Hawk Nelson's new song, "Diamonds." The chorus,

He’s making diamonds
Making diamonds
He’s making diamonds out of dust
He is refining
And in his timing
He’s making diamonds out of us

really resonates with me. This has been a hard year for many reasons. God's refining process in my life has been, and is painful. But it's His process, not mine, which brings me back to giving up the fast. Fasting is about acknowledging God's power, and my powerlessness. Therefore, for me, giving up the fast is about glorifying God instead of glorifying myself.

29.

I've made it a habit over the past few years to use my birthday as a time of reflection, both for the past, and for the future. I like groups of three, so here's the past and the future.

Three Favorite Memories From the Past Year:

The Patriot Run September 10, 2016-My family got to see me run for the first time, and I had the privilege of honoring the victims of September 11th, the Granite Mountain 19, and the men and women currently serving our country as part of fire departments, the military, and the police force.

Getting to know my sister-in-law better over Christmas-My brother and sister-in-law made a sacrifice to buy tickets to come out and visit us in Arizona. I love my brother, but it has been such a treat to get to know my sister-in-law better. She is a compassionate, kind, courageous, Christlike, and adventurous woman, and I love her so much!

Pat's Run April 22, 2017-Such a special weekend with my mom!

Three Goals for the Next Year:

This is the notorious "final question" of the traditional birthday questions. My friends know what I'm talking about. In the past, my goals have been along somewhat the same lines:

 2015-More philosophical than practical, but along the lines of love God, love others, and love self.

2016-More practical and specific. I actually accomplished the first two. The third one, eh, not so much. And I am not sure that falling in love with a guy/getting married is God's will for me. I'm working to accept that and find my place in the world as a single woman.

2017-My goals for this year revolve around that second point of my third goal for last year: loving myself. Since moving to Arizona/that first doctor's appointment where the nurse practitioner said I was weak and had potentially serious neurological problems, I've felt pretty crappy about myself. Physically, I think I'm stronger than ever before. I ran 4.2 miles with the fastest miles I've probably ever run,

but I still feel dissatisfied, not necessarily just with my body, but with myself over all. I just don't feel "at home" in this vessel. Mentally, I had that small breakdown in March, but before and after that, God has given me Holy Spirit perspective on a lot of tough situations. Yet somehow I don't feel like myself. Spiritually, I learned a ton from the True Woman 201 study and I enjoyed singing in the Christmas and Easter choirs at church. But I'm really struggling with understanding the church and what it should be about, especially after what I'd call a crisis in my local church. So without further ado, my three goals for next year center around health, mostly in physical ways, but in ways that I think will benefit my health as a corporate entity:

1) Eat satisfying foods instead of just whatever I find lying around. This means I need to cook more. I don't know how that will happen with my busy schedule and not having my own kitchen, but I can try.

2) Improve my sleep quality-My body started waking me up at 4 am sometime last fall, and it hasn't really stopped. I get up at 5 am every morning, purposefully, but I usually feel exhausted. Naps have been shorter in duration and less satisfying. I'd like to have more restful sleep. Sleep is so vital to good mental health.

3) Find what feels good-as far as exercise and life in general. I've experimented with yoga not once, but twice. I didn't like Yoga Revolution, but the phrase, "Find what feels good" has stuck with me. I've been trying to listen to my body more, especially as I trained for Pat's Run. I decreased my cardio (no HIIT and very little extra walking), lifted more weights (I'm up to a 40 pound deadlift, which is a lot for me!), and did more regular yoga. I'm still learning.

And that goes for the rest of life, too. I'm always learning. I won't "arrive" until heaven, but I'd like to become better in the next year. Until next May 5 and the BIG 3-0!