I've Gotten Bigger.

I've gotten bigger. No, not more muscular. I don't think that's really in the cards for me (or in my genetics). Rather, I am learning to take up space in the world--not to take space from others, but to take up my own space. Let me explain.

For some reason, it always seemed "better" to me to take up less space, be smaller, operate on minimum resources, cow-tow to those around me. Maybe it was pride. Maybe it was fear. Maybe it was both. But I was always trying to be less; make less of a splash, and do more on less. Running is teaching me the opposite, that it is good to use resources, to take up space.

"I spent x dollars on more running snacks," I told my husband after a recent Costco trip.

"So?" He didn't bat an eye. I'm not used to buying so much extra food to support my running, and I felt a bit guilty about it. He didn't seem to care. Another day, I noted that our grocery budget was going up due to all I was eating. "So, you run more, you eat more," he said (or something like that). To him, it was no big deal that I needed more resources. To me, it felt presumptuous. I was taking more from us, and I knew if I did less, I would need less. At the same time, I hated to give up on my big running goals just because I was unwilling to use resources and take up space.

Endurance running takes up not only resource space, but time space. It takes time from other leisure activities. It takes time from my husband. Sometimes, it requires me to reconfigure my work schedule. I've felt bad about all taking up space in all of these areas, but if the people in my life support me, why do I feel guilty for making use of the opportunities they give me? I really do want to see what I can do!

Running has been an avenue for learning, not the only one, but a wide one. I am still learning what it means to take up my space in the world humbly, to use resources well, to give thanks, and so much more. I'm getting bigger, bolder, braver, and I hope, in the Lord's strength stronger to ask for what I need and use it for my good and His glory. May whatever space I take up in the world always point to him.