When You're Losing a Loved One (And They're Still Here)

I have lost a variety of loved ones over the course of my life. Some have been family. Some have been friends. Some have been friends that felt like family. Several I have lost before it seemed like time to lose them. Some I have lost while they were still on earth. Losing the people we love is extremely difficult, whether they are still living, or actually dead. Sometimes I lose people to relationship struggles and they cut me off. Sometimes the person loses capacity due to a physical health issue (such as a stroke that affects speech). Sometimes the person becomes a shell of their former selves due to a neurological or mental health condition (eg Alzheimer's or a mental illness). It's hard. It's still a loss.

In the midst of some of these losses, I received some wise counsel. "Who they are now does not take away from who they were," he said. Another time, he said, "You've done enough." Those words have stuck with me.

When I feel grief over "loss" of a loved one who is still here, I feel that I have lost all that they are/were. It almost feels worse that if they died, because if they died, I would still have those memories. Now, it feels like something else is replacing those good times. To the counsel I received, though, change cannot take people away from us. That includes both physical death and emotional/mental/relational death. We can choose what to hold onto. I am learning to choose to remember the good, and let the rest go.

As I learn to grieve people who are still here, I wonder if some of those people grieve, too. Maybe they grieve the decision that separated them from us, temporarily or permanently. If they realize they are losing cognitive faculties, they may grieve that loss, too. Or maybe they want to keep their mood regulated, but cannot. They may grieve the loss of their self-control, or even the personality they once had. They may grieve themselves.

Grief is a thing, whether I am grieving a person still here, gone to be with the Lord, or gone someone else. I can even grieve loss of my former self. Nothing can truly take away the past. I can choose to remember it. I can choose not to let today steal the joy of yesterday. I can choose to acknowledge the former good of a person, even if things are not good now. I can choose to see the person as good, even if they are not able to act good or be good to me now.

What It Looks Like to Care

Care. "The provision of what is necessary for the health, welfare, maintenance, and protection of someone or something" (Oxford Languages, n.d.). I used to think it was about me doing the work: physically, mentally, spiritually, and/or emotionally. Now I realize it is so much more.

Sometimes care looks like asking for help. I want to do the thing, but I can't. So I ask for help, and I accept the help offered.

Sometimes care looks like letting someone else do the task. Their way. Their care. I have to humble myself, especially when their care is better than what I could offer.

Sometimes care looks like making hard decisions, decisions other people might not like. Decisions of which others might not approve, but in my own heart, I determine are right before God, and before the ones in question.

And sometimes care looks like not making decisions. It looks like letting circumstances ride out their course. It looks like letting people face consequences for their decisions, sometimes very difficult ones. Sometimes it hurts a lot to care in this way.

Care. It's both a lot harder, and a lot fuller than I ever imagined. May God continue to teach me what the word means, even I learn to accept that in all this big, beautiful, and hard life, He is caring perfectly for me.

Reference:

Oxford Languages. (n.d.). Google's English Dictionary. https://www.google.com/search?q=care+definition

A Longer Table

My husband and I have a moderately small condo. Two years ago, we hosted my parents for Thanksgiving. Two guests are a comfortable amount. This year, it was our turn to host again, and we wanted to invite more people. Our table is small, and we only have four chairs, but we decided to see who would come and make it work. We did not want space to limit our hospitality.

Out of all we invited, only four (two being my parents) people came. When we added the built-in leaf, our table was big enough; we just lacked chairs. No problem. My husband and I stood. It was  small sacrifice that allowed us to enjoy our dinner, and our company. 

Some unknown person said  “When you have more than you need, build a longer table, not a higher fence." We don't need to build a fence. Our complex has taken care of what we need. We added a leaf to our table, and that ended up being all we need on the table. This holiday was a good lesson in faith and trusting God though. If God says invite, He will provide-longer table, bigger table, or whatever it is. He is sufficient!

Why Social Media

Today is National Social Media Day, and in honor of it, I thought I'd write a blog post about why I use social media. I have had Facebook since you needed a .edu address. I got Pinterest as a young working adult, and I tuned into Instagram when I moved back to Arizona. I periodically fast from social media because I admit, it can get out of hand, but each time I go back, I find some redeeming qualities, some reasons for me to use social media in moderation. Here are a few:

Camaraderie: Social media is a place to connect with like-interested (even if not like-minded!) people. I stay connected to my alma mater this way. I especially like Still I Run, and the running community as a whole. I learn from them. Maybe they learn from me. 

Celebration: Some social media is just fun! I enjoy posting joyful moments from my life. I enjoy celebrating with others from afar. I will also put in this category businesses and other entities that I follow in order to receive notifications and announcements. Not all are celebratory, but many are.

(en)Couragement: Hebrews 10:24 says, "Let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds." Not all the bloggers I follow are Christians, and not all are encouraging towards others, but the information I gain through social media, while a double edged sword, can encourage me towards helpful practices like self care, balanced exercise and eating, having a healthy marriage, etc. Social media also gives me opportunities to encourage others.

Community: Nothing substitutes for in-person interaction, but social media does provide some sense of connection. (See below.) I've met some special people through social media, mostly through The Joy Squad. One of these ladies is the most awesome pen pal ever!

Connection: There are some people that prefer social media as means of contact. When I delete social media, I have less access to them. Can I still e-mail or call them? Yes, but they're more likely to respond to a Facebook message or Instagram DM.

Creativity: Pinterest is a good place to find recipes. Bloggers provide fun craft and cooking ideas. I like the process of finding and reading about new ideas.

(Head on over to Instagram to see my post where I tagged some special people in each of these categories.

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All in all, social media brings me joy, so I keep using it. As I read this list, though, I realize that my reasons for using social media are a lot about me, and less about others. Maybe I need to change that. Social media brings me joy, but am I using it to bring joy to others? Food for thought....

A Little More Dangerous

We were talking about the re-opening of society after the COVID-19 outbreak, my supervisor and I. We discussed various safety precautions and the physical, spiritual, mental, and social implications of enforcing them. "Maybe life is just going to be a little more dangerous," He said. That comment struck me.

"Maybe life is just going to be a little more dangerous." Maybe we will be more worried that we will get sick after going out in public. Maybe there will be more risk to life. But hasn't there always been risk? Traffic accidents take lives every day. Natural disasters steal lives. Crime steals lives. Genetic disorders and cancer and old age steal lives. And yet we still go on living.

I am not saying we should disregard safety precautions. I'm not encouraging you to disregard orders from the governing authorities. I am saying that life has always been inherently finite, because it has a beginning and an end. Life has always been inherently dangerous, because all life ends in death. So maybe as we go back to living (outside our homes at least), what we we need is not greater fear, but rather greater appreciation. Maybe we need to value full shelves at the grocery stores. Maybe we need to value our commute time to and from the office. Maybe we need to value time with friends and family more. Maybe we should take a few risks. Maybe life is just going to be a little more dangerous.

I don't know what valuing life looks like for you, but I encourage you to explore it. Danger doesn't keep us from living. It might make us need to be more contemplative about the way we live, however. Maybe this pandemic is just what we need to motivate us to cultivate more thoughtful, more intentional lives.

Midnight Madness

Two 5K’s back-to-back? Running at 10:30 pm and 12:10 am? No sweat. It’ll be fun! That’s what I thought when we signed up. The races were fun, or at least novel (not to be confused with a novelty race), but they weren’t easy, or pain free. Number one, I haven’t pushed my runs in awhile. Number two, I’m not a night person. Number three, we moved to a warmer location, so my body isn’t used to running in the cold. Results? A hard run and maybe a new PR, but I was sore!

I haven’t run as much since my half-marathon. (Granted, I needed some time off.) Then we hiked the Grand Canyon and my foot hurt. And then we moved and traveled, leaving my body very worn out. I only walked for the first few weeks after we moved, and then I started running again. I went on some longer runs, even up to 5.5 miles, the pre-10K training distance, and I thought I’d be fine, but I haven’t been running fast or hard. I intended to keep up with our friend running 8:15 miles at a higher elevation. Right out the gate, I knew I couldn’t keep up. And I was pushing it to come in at 25:35. That was 8:13 a mile, but it didn’t feel good, and I didn’t super enjoy it. I’m just competitive with myself and wanted to run fast.

I don’t run at night. I’m normally in bed asleep by 10:30 pm, so running that late wasn’t great. I’ve normally eaten a big snack by then, but since I was running, I’d just had dinner and a lonely muffin. So I wasn’t well fueled. I felt nauseous after that first race and didn’t do more than sip some water and toast with apple cider before the second race.

I don’t run much in the cold anymore, or at least when I’m rapidly taking in cold air. My chest hurt during this one. I also got several stitches. I tried breathing out, but as noted above, felt nauseous. It might be because I’d eaten too close to the start of the race. But I was hungry....

I finished 4/8 in my age group for the first run. For the second run, we stuck together with friends for a run/walk. I finished 14/14 for that race (and behind my husband and our friends). It hurt to run starting out, so the walking was probably good for me. The group gathered up a sprint at the end; but I didn’t have what they had in me. (Maybe I should do some speed work? But I don’t like it.)

We finished two 5Ks in two days, though. We got some cool medals. We spent time with friends. My husband and I got close to crossing a finish line together. (As noted above, he beat me in the sprint.) All in all, it was a cool experience.

Would I run this race again? Maybe. If it was with my husband and the right people. But running the race for running’s sake? No, that’s kind of madness. Midnight madness!

I'm Grateful for My Tribe.

It's been a whirlwind of a life lately: The Grand Canyon, moving, Thanksgiving, looking for a new job, commuting for work, and overall just trying to get used to the new "normal." Along the way, I've had so many texts, e-mails, and calls, some from people I consider myself close to, and others that I didn't know cared. Even as my own faith has faltered, I have been so ENCOURAGED.

So if you've written, called, talked, or texted me lately. Thank you. If you've prayed, thank you. If you've thought of us, or helped us in our process, or provided material goods, thank you. It takes a village. It takes a tribe, and I'm grateful for mine...family, friends, and overall, just those that care.

TO GOD BE THE GLORY!

The World is My Oyster (Or Is It?)

I remember that morning very clearly, the day of my masters graduation. I went for a jog in the crisp clear air, and as my feet hit the pavement of my oh, so familiar route, I thought, “The world is my oyster. I can do anything.” I felt a sense of freedom that day, a sense of exhilaration, a sense of anticipation. Little did I know that my decision to pursue counseling licensure in Arizona would require nine months of back and forth correspondence with the state counseling board, or that finding a job and community in Arizona would be so hard or so time-consuming.

But here I am, two and a half years later, living in Arizona, working as a counselor. As 2019 has begun, I see many open days before me. I know that I can fill the pages of this book of my year as I choose, but I also realize that my time and energy are limited. I can do anything, but I can't do everything.

I enjoy fitness, but it isn't my life. Besides physical therapy, I basically have 30 minutes a day to commit to exercise. That means I can choose weights or cardio, but not both. I have to choose what is more important. I just don't have time or energy to throw around the weights and hit the streets for my preferred three mile plus runs.

I've finally gotten to the point where I'm getting more invitations to do social things, but I just don't have time for all of them. Sometimes, I need to stretch and expand my horizons by hanging out with new people and doing new things. Other times, I need to say, “No,” in order to focus on investing more deeply in the relationships that are most important to me.

Work presents dozens of opportunities for training and learning, and frankly, just more hours, but I need to decide what I'm called to do and what I'm not. Work is a big part of my world, but not my entire world. I don't want it to become all-consuming.

I have numerous hobbies and activities I'd like to do in my spare time, but there just isn't always time for everything. I need to rest, too.

So the world is my oyster, but it's also not. Many opportunities lie before me, but I have the responsibility to choose which ones to crack into, and which ones not. I have to choose where to mine for beauty, and what mines to let others tend to. Life is beautiful, but I miss the fullness of that beauty if I never stop to appreciate it.

May God give me wisdom as I anticipate the days ahead and traverse with him the sands, waves, and seashores of this life.

Weak

I have a dear friend and former roommate who liked to call me Wonder Woman. She even bought me a Wonder Woman cup. But man, lately I've felt anything but.

I've been sick a lot, or a lot more than I normally am. First came a cold, and that turned into a sinus infection, and then I got another cold. I hated it. I could barely keep my head above water. I wasn't thinking about other people's needs. I was working, coming home, and crashing. I wasn't optimistic or hopeful. I was anxious and worried and sick.

But I didn't want people to know.

So I wasn't texting my friends. I wasn't going to social events. I was hermiting. Hard core.

Then the Spirit convicted me that I was once again subscribing to a perfectionistic mindset. In my hermiting and withdrawal, I was acting pridefully. I was trying to deny the fact that I felt weak and was weak. I was trying to deny my struggle.

I got another little cold recently, and back came the anxiety and worry. But this time when friends asked me how to pray for me, I admitted I felt sick and asked prayer my health. I admitted my struggle and gave just a little more over to God. It was freeing.

Wonder Woman is still my favorite superhero. In a perfect world, I would be brave and fit and strong enough to save everyone. But we don't live in a perfect world. I'm human, and the only real superhero is God. In sickness and in health, I get my strength from Him!

I Don't Date. I Phone Date.

I have fussed a lot about how lonely I feel in this season of singleness. In my heart of hearts, I do want to get married and have a "forever friend," but the truth is that I have friends, but don't always spend time with them. And that's on me. The issue for me is that most of my best friends live out of state and in other time zones. Calling them requires time and coordination and work. And sometimes I just don't want to make sacrifices or put the work in.

Lately, however, I've been trying to make an effort to reach out to my friends, to tell them that they matter. And that often means scheduling dates, phone dates. If I think I am one day ready to commit to getting to know a potential future spouse through dating, I must be able to commit to scheduled times and places to call my friends. It's important!

Week by week, I've started to carve out a little more time, give up a few more evenings, and pick up the phone to talk to people I love. I've talked to both my best friends and another close friend and had back and forth texts with several others in the past month or so. And you know what? The time has been so worth it! Sure, not everyone responds when I reach out, but the conversations I have had have filled my heart, and I hope blessed my friends as well.

Hard as this season of singleness has been, it has some perks. I have time. I have resources. I am the only one relying on my schedule. So no, I don't date. I phone date. 

Filling My Heart

I told someone recently that it's been a rough several years. It is not that my life is bad. In fact, I am very blessed. I have a job and a home and family and friends. But emotionally, life been tough. There have been a lot of highs and lows and everything in between. Sometimes I just feel emotionally beat up and bruised and don't know how to recover.

I've been telling myself lately that I need to find a life. It's not that I don't have a life, but that I need to be more diligent in trying to things to do other than sleep, eat, work, and repeat. And the things I choose to do need to be sustainable and attainable. They need to help fill my heart so that I have energy and life to live and give. These past few weekends, God has given me the following activities to fill my heart:

1) Hiking: This requires some planning and exertion, but the sun and the effort and the stillness of nature calm my spirits and promote rest in my body.

2) Quality conversation: I don't have a lot of friends here, but when I actually make time for the few I have, it's worth it. Sometimes quality conversation looks getting creative with time differences to schedule a phone date over the distance, too. I don't really need a lot of friends, just quality ones who will be iron sharpening iron and speak truth into my life.

3) Cooking: It's a simple thing, but therapeutic in its own right. It's so fulfilling to chop or knead or stir or bake something into existence. And the eating of the food is enjoyable, too.

Self-care isn't all about activities. Sometimes it's about rest and alone time and quite frankly, plain old isolation or hibernation. But for me, I'm realizing that I need to balance effortless activities with some efforted activities. May God continue to show me the way....

Who Is My Neighbor?

We had a compelling sermon this past week at church. I came away with the question, "Who is my neighbor?" It's a question that's been rattling around in my head for quite some time. I read Bob Goff's book, Everybody Always this summer. And I recently finished Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist. Neither book was entirely about neighbors, but they both referenced love and loving the people around us.

My job is to serve people, and I love it and am thankful for it. It is a privilege to walk with and encourage people in their journeys of life, particularly in the hard times. But I've been realizing that my service during the day can come at a cost to my family and friends during the rest of my life. The work I do always comes at a cost to those around me, because it is emotionally taxing and draining. But sometimes work comes at too much of a cost, where I'm putting work before family and friends.

The question, "Who is my neighbor?" for me, therefore, has become less about the general "who" and more about the specific "who." Shauna Niequist writes about the "home team," and encourages readers to really hone in on who that is. Bob Goff writes times and times again about not trying to be Jesus. Jesus is the Savior and Healer and Redeemer, and I'm not it! I'm realizing that part of my issue with work is that I'm trying to do too much, playing medic for the away team while my home team suffers. I need to do the work I'm called to do, but I also need to make time and space for the direct people in my life, the people who are behind and before me in the work I do. Because if I lose my home team, I've got nothing.

So who is my neighbor? Every human being that God has created is my neighbor! But there are some specific neighbors, my family and my close friends, that God calls me to serve in specific ways, and I need to find time and space to do it. By God's grace, may I never step over the bleeding neighbor at my doorstep to be a "savior" to the neighbor far away.

Scarf Number Three

What started out as one scarf has now become three. It was on my #bucketlistproject to make a scarf with my sister-in-law. But then I made another one for my best friend. And I figured I'd better make one for my other friend, too. I don't want to be unfair in my scarf giving!

No really, scarves are easy to make and different from my usual afghans and sometimes quicker (though not this one).

So without further ado, here's scarf number three:

As per the norm, I used Red Heart yarn. This is their blue color.

The pattern is Eve's Scarf from Pattern Paradise.

I'll probably move back to afghans soon, but are there any other types of projects I should try before I do? I'd welcome feedback in the comments section.

I Wanna Be an Island.

Sometimes I just wanna be an island. No, not a sandy shore next to the ocean, but an island of a person. I don't want to need people. I want to be able to go and do my own thing and not be alone. I want to take care of myself, my car, my life, and my health without anyone else. I want to avoid that pain that comes when I get close to someone and they hurt me. I want to avoid the inevitable grief that happens when a best friend moves away. I want to avoid the heart-wrenching loneliness that comes after I see "my people" and have to say goodbye. It'd be easier if I was a loner.

But I'm not an island. I need people. I'm not mechanically savvy, so I need my dad to give me car advice. I don't get all my health stuff, so I need doctors and a mom who is a nurse to interpret. I need people at church to preach God's words of truth to me. I need bankers to manage my finances. I need bosses and supervisors to teach me to do my job better. I need loved ones who tell me to tone it down or cut it out when I'm living life on the rev limiter. I need friends who teach me to have fun and remind me to do it regularly. I need people in my life to point out the beauty that I frequently miss due to my crazy, uptight perfectionist, Type A personality. Basically, I'm a crappy human when left to my own devices.

Being in relationships with others is the way God designed life. He's a triune God and he created Eve to fix Adam's loneliness. So relationships are His gig. But being in relationship to others is sure painful. The let-downs hurt. The loneliness sinks in deep. My inadequacies become glaring. The fact that I don't know how to love well becomes obvious.

People remind me that I need Jesus, and I do, so I guess I don't really wanna be an island. But some days, it sure seems like it'd be easier.

Food, Freckles, Fun

I spent last weekend in the islands, The Bahama Islands, to be precise. Two of my best friends from college and I went on a three day cruise out of Orlando. It's what I wanted to do for my 30th birthday, but it got delayed a little due to scheduling.

I took an early afternoon flight out of Phoenix and arrived in Orlando late. (Thanks, four hour flight plus a three hour time difference.) It took my forever to get to the hotel due to trouble finding the shuttle, but I made it. Being greeted by these two was spectacular. It was late, but we proceeded to girl talk late into the night/early morning. I laughed so hard I spit the water I was drinking all over myself. These two are some of the few that really understand me and know me enough to get me to my silly state.

We departed for the ship mid-morning. Uber and Lyft are the way to go. My friend gets credit for reservations, but we had nice cars and nice drivers and the price was very reasonable!

We got to the ship in time for lunch and then toured the boat. This boat wasn't as nice as the last one (no sauna or steam room), but it worked. We weren't on the boat that much anyway.

Food on the boat is pretty spectacular. There are options of the main dining room or the buffet for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. We went with the main dining room for all three meals, but dinner was definitely the best. You can pick your appetizer, entree, and dessert each night, but here's a sampling of what I had:

Calamari

Spectacular salmon

Tasty duck

Roasted lamb

And plenty of snacks spread throughout

I climbed the rock wall the first morning. It took me three tries since I am pretty weak because of my hand stuff, but I did it!

Then we got off the boat and went for a walk in Nassau, Bahamas. We wanted to see Atlantis resort, but underestimated the distance and exertion of the walk. When we got there, it cost an arm and a leg to see anything. Oh well. We still had the experience.

The next day was all day at CoCo Cay, Royal Caribbean's private island. It was paradise! I waded, went for a walk, and just laid on the beach since being wet is not really my thing. I had some time to actually rest and think, which was awesome.

I wore sunscreen and reapplied, but I still got a little sunburned. I also got a lot more freckles. Oh well, a minor sunburn is a small price to pay for all the fun we had. And I like my freckles.

The most trouble we got into was stamping our own passports. We really didn't get into trouble, either. We just used the stamp sitting on the desk in the empty room and didn't tell on ourselves when the clerk came back.

I had so much fun, and though life has hit me square in the face now that I'm back on land, I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. I am so thankful for the time I spent and so thankful for friends who agreed to go with me. We dubbed this vacation the start of our cruise club, so hopefully they'll be a next time.

Filling the Time

Work has been crazily slow lately. Like I logged less than an hour overtime two weeks ago and got to take an unplanned day off last week. I've been trying to figure out what to do with my life in the meantime.

I usually fill my life with work, work, work. I love what I do, but it's not all of me. I have friends and family and church and maybe even some hobbies. But far too often I forget and neglect all of these. And in some ways, I'm afraid to indulge in real, authentic living, because I fear getting attached to it and then getting crazy busy again.

Crazy busy in an armor, so I'm trying not to overfill my life in this time of respite. Maybe God is trying to do some new things in my life. So I'm trying to live life a little and fill my life with some of the good things I've been lacking like community and relationships and rest. 

God's Word says, "He has made everything beautiful in its time" (Ecc 3:11a, New International Version). Hard as this season of my life has been, I think I'm beginning to see this truth played out. Praise be to Him.