Marriage Misnomers: A Good Marriage is a Good Marriage.

I am blessed when I hear people affirm our marriage: "You all started off good, so you'll have a good marriage." "You all have a good marriage." "You're doing good." Said with authenticity, I appreciate the sentiment. Said to flatter or without knowledge of the hardships of life, I rue the statements. And all of them, I believe contain a fallacy that a good marriage is always a good marriage. No! A good marriage takes work.

There is certainly something to be said for the value of preparation for marriage. Compatibility tests, premarital counseling, and a fair amount of planning have their proper places. I would argue that it is foolish to rush into marriage without some discussion of what it may be like and some seeking of external wisdom. Starting off a marriage in a good place does not ensure that it will stay a good marriage, however.

Weekly check-ins, regular date nights, planned vacations--these, too, play a role in making a good marriage. Honesty, vulnerability, laughter, and fun all contribute to the strength of a relationship, but in and of themselves, they do not make a good marriage.

I would suggest that pursuing a good marriage does not always feel good, at least for the individual. Sometimes pursuing the good in marriage means self-sacrifice of personal good. Sometimes it looks like walking through deep waters. Sometimes it means doing hard work in counseling. Sometimes it means reciting vows through gritted teeth and just trying to get through another day of covenant.

Sometimes marriage feels good, for sure! Love reigns supreme. Bonds are close. Affection is frequent and regular. Communication is clear. These are not all the days, however.

A good marriage is a good marriage not because of feeling but because of constant, continual work. Marriage requires not just maintenance, but progression. A good marriage is a good marriage because the partners work at it, and in a Christian marriage, because God is at work.

Marriage Misnomers: Marriage is Hard

I have said many times that marriage is hard. But then I heard some sermons that stopped me in my tracks. To summarize, the pastor said: 

"God created marriage."

"Marriage is good."

"Marriage is not hard."

As he talked, my stomach sank. I felt convicted about the way I had been speaking about marriage. I knew in my heart that marriage as an institution was good. God created it, after all. I had been calling marriage hard, when it was really the things that marriage exposed that were the hard things.

What hard things did and does marriage expose? It shows up my selfishness. It shows up my neediness, and my inability to be the strong woman I want to be. It exposes my sin. None of these make marriage bad. In fact, they further evidence that marriage is good. They show how God uses marriage as a tool for sanctification. The process of going through sanctification, the surrender it takes to be formed more into Christlikeness, however, is hard. 

Married life can also feel hard because of the external pressures on it. Marriage unites two people in the closest way humanly possible and often, all the world seems to fight against that. Work demands can reduce time spent together. Tragedies take away resources. Extended family needs draw on emotional stores. Society preaches lies about self-love and self-service that erode core unity. There is also the enemy of the soul who wants to do everything he can to destroy marriage and the image it paints of the gospel.

Is marriage itself hard? No, marriage as a God-created institution is good. But married life does bring with it some hard. Life can also bring hard things to the marriage. I don't always want the hard, but I want my marriage. I want marriage for my good, for my husband's good, and for God's glory. Amen.

Marriage Misnomers: What's Good for You

Marriage is self-emptying. It requires self-sacrifice. It means unity. But does unity mean morphing into the other person? Does it require spending every minute that you can together? Does what's good for you have to be good for both of you? Some would say it does. I disagree. While marriage does require a lot of selflessness, it also requires a measure of self-care, and that means at least at little attention to self.

I tried for a long time to be completely sacrificial in my marriage, to give my husband as much as I could of what he wanted and stuff down what I wanted. Sure, I did some things that I wanted to do, but I often served him out of a sense of obligation and grudging. I often refused to let him help me, feeling guilty if I wasn't doing absolutely everything I could ever be capable of doing. And I fell apart. At some point, I realized that I wasn't serving my husband in refusing to admit my needs or care for myself. We were one flesh, and if I wasn't doing well, he wasn't going to do well. He had been asking me to ask for help, so I started doing it. It was freeing.

As I continued to practice asking my husband for help, I started taking some time for myself. Time to check in. Time to recharge. Time to care for myself. I needed my life back! I couldn't give life to my marriage when I was stifling my own life. I started trying to plug back into my intuition and start respecting the still small voice inside. The path was rocky, accentuated by that familiar voice of guilt, and not comfortable, but I had to do something.

Not coincidentally, as I did things that were good for me, I found that I had more energy to give to my husband. I could tolerate a little more distress. I had more grace and an increased sense of understanding when my husband wanted to do something for his own good, such as spending time with friends or pursuing a hobby. I realized that sometimes what's good for you individually is often good for the unified you.

On the flip side, does what's good for both of you always feel good for you? No. Again, sometimes marriage requires sacrifice. Marriage is, after all, a sanctifying process. But if you individually are full of good and are pursuing good, it is easier to make sacrifice.

Things are good for you only if they're good for both of you? No, do good things. Purse your own good. Pursue your spouse's good. Pursue your unified good. Pursue God. He defines the ultimate good.

Marriage Misnomers: Submission Means Domination.

I get quite a bit of push-back about my endorsement of traditional gender roles. When I say that I believe in complementarian roles, or even, gasp, that a woman's place might be at home (not that she can't work, but that her primary place of belonging is the home), people think that I'm for androcentrism or male chauvinism. They assume that I think women aren't as worthy or as equal in value as men, or even that I'm for male domination. Nope! I think that women have value. Equal value. And that submission is part of that created order.

What is submission? To me, it is realizing that God created men to lead families, home, and society. Argue with me if you want, but if marriage images Christ and the church, and the man is to imitate Christ, that means he leads. Christ saved me, not vice versa. I CAN'T save myself! Christ has to do it. And that makes Him, and thereby, my husband, the leader.

What does submission look like? It looks like attitude. It looks like respecting my husband and his role. It looks like appreciating my husband and his unique talents and abilities. It looks like recognizing that he has different responsibilities than I do. It looks like valuing him for him, and not wishing for him to be like me.

Submission also looks like action. It looks like putting off making decisions that will affect both my husband and I until I have talked to my husband. It looks like respecting and considering my husband's opinions and viewpoints when he shares them. It looks like not spending large amounts of our money before I ask my husband if he is in agreement with a purchase. It looks like defaulting to my husband's decision if we can't agree because in the end, before God, he bears the responsibility for the family.

Does submission look like domination? Maybe once in a while when he has to make a final decision. I find that last scenario very rare,  if at all, however, at least in my marriage. I am blessed with a husband who loves God and shows me love by respecting me and taking my opinions into account.

So how does submission look? Surprise! It often looks like respect for both women and men. It looks like valuing them equally because they have separate and different roles. It looks like women and men walking in their God given roles in both their attitudes and actions. And when that happens correctly, it results not in domination, but adoration, both of the other spouse and of the God who created spousal roles. God designed it that way!

Marriage Misnomers: Love is Enough.

Love is enough. Love will get you through. If I I've heard it once, I've heard it a million times, and I'm here to tell you it's just not true. Love is foundational. Love is crucial. Love is fun; but love alone is not enough to make a marriage last. Making a marriage last requires more.

Marriage requires choice. Marriage means choosing to focus one's attraction. There are plenty of attractive people in the world, but when you marry, you commit to a one and only. It's for this reason that I refuse to identify celebrity crushes or even discuss the attractiveness of people of the opposite gender. It's the reason I ask my husband before accepting friend requests from males outside my family. It's the reason I try to avoid work activities that put me alone with another man. I chose my husband when I married, and that means choosing to avoid anything that would tempt me away from continuing to choose him.

Marriage is also a commitment. Marriage has plenty of hard days, days when I would rather have my own way than die to myself and live for my marriage. I committed to marriage, and to a covenant marriage no less. It is that commitment to God and to my husband that keeps me going on the hard days, especially when I really don't feel loving and don't want to act in a loving manner.

Is love important? Sure it is! But it's just not enough. Love can wax and wane. Love can apply to everything from food to souls to God. But marriage needs love AND. Love AND choice. Love AND commitment. Love that is eternal, everlasting, and for believers, LOVE that mirror the love Christ has for the church, covenantal love great enough to sustain not only an individual marriage, but to give the life of a sinless man to pay for the insurmountable sins of a fallen world. That was the epitome of love in action!

Marriage Misnomers: Let Things Go.

The joining of two lives in marriage can cause some friction and even conflict. Some people will tell you to let things go. That's all well and good, but after I let so many things go, I start to feel bitter and resentful about what I am losing. I feel better better when I decide to give some things up. Letting go is passive. Giving up is active.

Take for instance, cooking. I would like to be good at things like bread baking and pancake flipping. I am not, and my husband is. I can try to compete with him. I can try to dissuade him from practicing his gifts. Or I can give some things up and wholeheartedly endorse the areas where he shines. Which is better for our marriage? The answer is pretty clear.

I don't have a lot of time. Sometimes my husband asks me to do things when I have other things still on my list to do. I can let go of my things and do his, but then I feel bereft. I grasp at what I left. If I willfully decide to give up what I want to do, it's gone. I have made a sacrifice for our marriage and though it may hurt, it doesn't leave behind as many hurt feelings.

I want to have the right answers. Sometimes I get defensive and argue with my husband because I want to be right. I can let go of what I think and believe whatever he says, but sometimes that feels like abandoning myself. If I give up my need to be right and instead choose to close my mouth and agree to disagree, things go better.

Letting things go? Maybe that's sometimes the answer. But in marriage, I think it's better to give things up. Giving up is active. It's intentional. It's purposeful. After all, isn't the point of marriage to give up your life to make a new life, and in that way image Christ? And isn't His giving up His life the best gift of all? He didn't let go. He willingly gave. ALL. And we should follow in His steps.

Marriage Misnomers: Holy Not Happy

 "Marriage is to make you holy, not happy." A paraphrase from Gary Thomas', I heard this time and time again leading up to marriage. I even read the book (Sacred Marriage) from which the quote was taken. But I didn't fully agree. I still don't fully agree. Marriage is hard. It has a sanctifying effect, sure, but I'm convinced it doesn't exclude happiness. Maybe I'm going out on a limb, but I'm going to say that if your marriage doesn't bring you happiness, there is a problem.

We live in the 21st century, a time and a place where we have the privilege of choosing our spouses. We choose our spouses because of attraction, because of love, because of compatibility. One of my greatest joys in life is doing life with my husband: adventuring, cooking, paying bills, even going shopping. (Yes, these same activities also bring sanctification.) I mourn for my brothers and sisters who want to experience this happiness, but have not yet been granted its gift. Marriage provides opportunities for future joy, too: in celebration, in dating, in intimacy, in laughter. The author of Proverbs realized that when he wrote, "May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth" (Proverbs 5:18, New International Version [NIV]). Is there hard stuff? Sure. But if the hard stuff eclipses happiness all the time, that might be a sign that your marriage is not in the right place.

Marriage accelerates growth. We need to weigh that fact, consider it, and take it to heart before we get married. When we get married, we need to be aware of the attacks that will come against our marriages. We need to work at at marriages lest they stagnate. We need to be holy because first and foremost, marriage honors God. But we must not forsake joy and happiness, because God is Joy. Happiness helps keep our marriages healthy, and healthy marriages image God.

Marriage is to make us not only happy, but also holy. Marriage is to make us not only holy, but also more joy-filled. Marriage can make us holy and happy. I think that's a better way to put it.

Marriage Misnomers: There is No "I" in Team.

"There is no, 'I,' in 'team,' or so the saying goes. Team is a "we," not a "me," identity, so on the surface, this makes sense. But how do you get from, "me" to ,"we?" I'm convinced it takes time.

Team identity requires shared experiences. Team identity requires shared emotions: joy, elation, loss, hardship. Team requires joint failure and joint recovery and resilience. Team requires delegation and trust. Team requires a person to give of himself or herself.

There is no, "I" in "team," but there is an "I" in time. Time requires that I give up some of "my" things for "us" things. Time requires that I sacrifice some of what I want for what my spouses wants. Time requires that I let go and cede some of my tasks and responsibilities. Time requires that I give sacrificially of myself so that we can form a joint identity.

Time is not my primary love language. I prefer to show my love through acts of service. When it comes to forming our team identity in marriage, though, time is where it's at. The more intentional time we spend together, the more I get out of the way and let "we" replace "me." The more time we spend together, the deeper our marital bond grows. The more time we spend together, the more I get out of the way and let my "i"dentity become one based on unity. There is no, "I" in team, but there is an "I" in time. The more "I" give, the more, "we" get.

Marriage Misnomers: Love is Blind.

"Love is blind," the old saying goes. But is it? People warned me against blind love when I was dating, saying I wanted to see the person for who they were, faults, flaws and all before marriage. That way I'd know what I was getting into. The intoxicating effects of love could have a "rose-colored glasses" effect, people said, so "Wise up; see things clearly," they advised. I thought I did that. I saw my husband as he was. I accepted him. What I didn't see was me.

I brought plenty of my own baggage to marriage: my fears, my perfectionism, my white-knuckle grip on my routine. I expected these things to continue to plague me. What I didn't expect was how they would affect my relationship with my husband. My husband is more of a laid-back, easy-going, lighthearted person. Very little troubles him deeply. I, on the other hand, am troubled by much, and often. I knew my husband was different when we were dating. I appreciated it even. I didn't expect (or want) him to change. I didn't know, however, how hard it would be for me to have my own weaknesses exposed in marriage. I was blind to myself.

I was blind to how deeply entrenched my own negative beliefs about myself and the world were. I was blind to my selfishness and self-centeredness. I was blind to how my need to control could drive my husband and I apart. I was blind to my deep-seeded self love. I didn't realize how hard it would be to selflessly love another. I truly didn't see.

Over one year into marriage, I'm here to tell you that love is blind, but not in the way society suggests. Love and its accompanying cascade of feel good hormones, does make you blind, blind to yourself. Love makes you think your own flaws will go away. Love makes you think you can be selfless without it costing too much. Love builds you up and makes you think you have superhuman power to do anything and everything. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. True love, the kind of self-giving love that makes marriage work, is very, very hard. So hard that it requires superhuman power. 

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters" (1 John 3:16, New International Version [NIV]). That is not a blind love. That is an eyes-wide open, eyes fixed only Jesus kind of love. That is a self-sacrificing, self-abasing, deal with the log in your eye and not the speck in theirs kind of love. That is an all-seeing love, not a blind love, and the only kind of love that will last eternally. May God give us eyes to see.

Marriage Misnomers: Happy Wife, Happy Life

"Happy wife, happy life." It's a saying I've heard too many times to count. To some extent, it's true. And it goes right along with the family version of the saying, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." Emotions do have a way of bleeding over. When one person is sad, or mad, or happy, others often join. But in marriage, is this true? Yes, and No.

The Bible says that marriage makes two people one flesh. One flesh has one brain, which connotes one set of emotions. So in the sense that marriage people share life and love together, they share feelings. So if the wife is happy, the husband should be happy, too. Right? Well in theory, yes, but in practice, no.

There are many times that I am happy and my husband is not. For example, I may have a good day at work while he has a bad one. When we convene at the dinner table, our emotions differ in response to our circumstances. My happiness can't fix what happened to him. They might make him happy for me, but not make him actually happy for himself. Similarly, if he makes a ground-breaking achievement at work while I get called in to talk to my boss, he may be happy and I may not be. As a result, our life together may not be as happy as either one of us would wish it.

"Happy wife, happy life" is usually aimed at a husband, inferring that if he can make his life happier if he makes his wife happy. That places a lot of burden on the husband. That infers that the husband actually have power to make their wife happy. That just isn't true. Sometimes the wife just isn't happy. It's that time of the month. Her friends have been mean. She has had a bad day at work. She is sad, scared, lonely, hungry, angry. A husband can help his wife process. He can try to cheer up his wife. He can love his wife. That might lead to more happiness, but he can't make her happy.

There is a second part to the saying, too: "Happy life." This is the conclusion that a wife is happy, the husband will have a happy life. Husbands have more going on than marriage. They have hard days, too. No matter how much a wife may do for or with them, sometimes they are just unhappy and that is part of life.

"Happy wife, happy life?" No. Happiness is more than just one spouse. And life is more than happiness. Joy-filled marriage, joy-filled life? That might be more like it.

Marriage Misnomers: Your Spouse is Your Best Friend.

I am starting a new blog series this Monday on marriage misnomers. In addition to my monthly real life marriage series, I want to share about some commonly made statements that I haven't found to be true. I hope this series will be helpful to both married and unmarried readers.

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I've seen many people ooh and aah about marrying their "best friend." I wasn't one of them. When I got married, I had best friends and did not want to replace them.  My husband was my friend, but not my best friend. We'd spent time together, but we weren't joined at the hip, constantly together, or even telepathic like some of my best friends. We'd just spent enough time together to know we didn't want to be apart. I married my husband because I loved him, well, like a lover. 

After a year and counting of marriage, I still love my husband. I am still attracted to him physically, spiritually, emotionally, and otherwise. Over time, though, our initial attraction has grown into something more. The warm fuzzies and giddiness have grown into a steady sense of commitment and family. We're becoming better friends, and maybe best friends. Dare I say that maybe marriage is a best friend making process?

Marriage results in lots of time spent together. Marriage is an accumulation of many shared experiences. Marriage is living and learning...a lot. Marriage is having fun and laughing together. Marriage is experiencing hardship and crying together. If it takes 200 hours to make a best friend and you haven't spent that much time together before marriage, marriage provides the fertile ground of time for making a forever best friend.

Some people say they marry their best friend. I say that your spouse becomes your best friend. Marriage is a best friend making process. While I still have best friends, my husband is slowly eclipsing them all, and that's the way it should be...for better or for worse.